Joker quotes from The Lego Batman Movie (2017)

Joker

Your city is under attack by Gotham’s greatest criminal masterminds! Including... Riddler! Scarecrow!

Pizza delivery!

Joker

Bane!

Hello.

Joker

Two-Face!

We need that door open.

Joker

Catwoman!

Meow-meow, you're in, meow-meow.

Joker

And let's not forget Clayface! Poison Ivy!

No, you freeze.

Joker

Mr. Freeze! Penguin! Crazy Quilt! Eraser! Polka-Dot Man! Mime! Tarantula! King Tut! Orca! Killer Moth! March Hares! Zodiac Master! Gentleman Ghost! Clock King! Calendar Man! Kite Man! Catman! Zebra-man! And the Condiment King!

… Okay, are you making some of these up?

Joker

Nope, they’re all real! Probably worth a Google.

Joker

Okay, look, I-I'm fine with you fighting other people if you wanna do that, but what we have is special. So when people ask you who's your number one bad guy, you say...

Batman

Superman.

Joker

Are you seriously saying that there's nothing, nothing special about our relationship?!

Batman

Whoa! Let me tell you something, J-Bird. Batman doesn't do ships.

Joker

What?

Batman

As in relationships. There is no us. Batman and Joker are not a thing. (Joker's face is slowly saddening) I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. (Joker becomes heartbroken for a long pause) No one does.

Joker

I've got a surprise for you guys! And it's gonna make you smile!

Batman

Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace!

Joker

Hi, Bats!

Batman

What have you done to my...Bruce Wayne's house? You better hope there's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy.

Joker

What happened to all your friends?

Batman

I don't need friends! I don't need anyone to stop you!

Joker

Are you sure about that? Look in the mirror, Batman. When I saw you working with your friend-family, I actually thought you changed. But no, you pushed them away. You've ran away from every person in your life, but I'm the one you're always chasing!

Batman

Is this about that stupid "greatest enemy" thing?

Joker

No, it's not. (The lights turn on and show every villain from the Phantom Zone.) Not anymore.

You tell 'im, Joker!

It's time for a fresh start!

He's not worth it!

Joker

I think after 78 years, I deserve respect!

Harley

That is right; respect!

Joker

Do you realize that you have never once said the words, "I hate you, Joker"?

Harley

Not once!

Batman

Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now, that's for darn sure.

Joker

Annoyed is not the same thing! Listen, Batman. I hate you.

Aww!

That's nice.

Joker

Now you say it.

Batman

Me, too.

Joker

You won't... You won't change, because you can't. You won't and you can't.

Batman will never say it!

Harley

You know what, Booboo, just shut it down.

Joker

These disease lunatics are right.

Voldemort

Yes, we are.

Joker

I'm not gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer!

Harley

Yes!

Batman

What are you talking about?

Joker

You and I are done.

Batman

What is wrong with you?

Joker

I'm moving on!

Batman

That's ridiculous.

Joker

And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!

Batman

No, you're not serious.

Voldemort

Wingardium Leviosa! (He uses his levatation spell on Batman to turn him back to Joker.)

Joker

You know what for once, Batman, you're right. I'm not your greatest enemy; your greatest enemy... (He pulls out the Phantom Zone projector.) ...is you. Goodbye, Batman.

Batman

Wait a minute, hold on a second!

Harley

Good for you, Booboo!
(The others cheer.)

Huh. You're not a traditional bad guy, but you're not exactly a good guy, either. You even abandoned your friends.

Batman

What? (sees the video of Batman sending his friends away) Abandoned? No. No, I was trying to protect them.

By pushing them away?

Batman

Well, yeah.

Are they really the ones you are protecting?

Batgirl

Computer, Batman's in danger!

Robin

Please, computer! Take us back!

Batgirl

Do you really want the man who made you to come to harm?

Batman programmed me to obey him, but he didn't say to not not rescue him. (begins to turn around)

Batman

What are they doing?

Joker

Come on, guys. Let's hustle. Gotham City's not going to blow itself up. (sees Batgirl, Robin and Alfred flying towards them) Well, hello!

Batgirl

Computer, go to super-secret stealth mode. (King Kong grabs the ship and rips it apart) Hold on!

Batman

No!

Joker

Evil buddies, those are my last three painful reminders of Batman!

Batgirl

[crash lands the ship and they run) Run! Come on, Alfred! This way!

Batman

Wait, where's Dick?

The little guy? He's over there. (points to Dick in the Batcave)

Initializing Batman operating system.

Batman

What's he doing?

Robin

I've gotta save my family! Just think. What would Batman do?

Batman

What?

Robin

I know. Not listen to anyone else. (pushes button, opens the wardrobe, takes a costume and swings to one of Batman's vehicles) Be mean to people. Destroy as much property as possible. Talk in a really low, gravelly voice. (puts on a mask and talks really low) And go in alone!

Batman

Kid, don't do that!

Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.

Batman

Don't do what I would do! (Robin drives away) I never even taught you how to drive! Hold on a second, Brick Lady. (stammers) I'm so sorry. I need to get down there and stop this.

I can't let you go. My boss will be really mad at me.

Batman

Yeah. But I bet your boss would be happy if you were able to get all those bad guys back in here.

Hm. She sure would.

Batman

Then let me try. Let me get down there and help them.

But haven't you tried that before?

Batgirl

This way, Alfred! (dodges King Kong's attack)

You do the same thing over and over. (Alfred and Batgirl fall into one of the villains' traps) What's gonna change?

Alfred

No!

Batman

I know what I need to do. Just give me 24 hours and I'll come back. (Robin drives out of the Joker Manor) You gotta let me go down there and save them. (Robin drives the vehicle uncontrollably) I'll do whatever you want. (Batgirl is about to be eaten by King Kong) Please.

Exterminate!

Batman

Please!

Okay, but I need all the bad guys locked up in here.

Batman

I promise!

And I mean all of them.

Joker

Batman?! What are you doing? You are completely outnumbered here! Are you nuts?!

Batman

You want to get nuts? Then come on. Let's get nuts! Because I just wrote a song about how I'm going to kick all of your butts.

Joker

Stop him before he starts singing!