Alan Garner quotes from The Hangover Part II (2011)

There's a demon in me.

Alan

It's true, he has semen in him.

Oh my God! We kidnapped a monk!

Alan

We live an alternative lifestyle.

You ready for the craziest **** story ever? (Collapses on the table)

Chow! (Pats him)

Alan

Mr. Chow, are you okay?

You gotta be kidding me! (Checks for Chow's pulse) ****, he's dead!

Help!

Stu, shut up. Stu, shut up!

Call an ambulance!

Shut up, he's dead! Look, if someone comes and finds a dead body and a pile of cocaine, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives in a **** Thai prison! Now shh! Alan, please stop crying!

This one was following me around like a little puppy dog all night, saying how he fall in love with me, and asked me to marry him.

Alan

Classic Stu.

We didn’t get married, did we?

Of course not. We just had some fun in the Chardonnay Room.

What, uh… What happens in the Chardonnay Room?

Let’s just stay on task here.

Oh, you know. Dance for him. He tickle me. We had sex. I massage his shoulders…

****!

It’s okay. Hey, you're not married yet. It's no big deal.

It's cheating, okay? No offense to you, you're a lovely woman; it's a violation of my moral code.

Don’t be sad. Stu you love it. You were crying, saying how special it was.

Wait. I’m sorry, he was crying?

Alan

What a baby. He was crying.

You should have seen him. He was so sexy, the way he move ‘round. I had to ask him to slow down so I don’t drop my load too quick.

Load? What load?

Oh you know, my sperms.

Eh, I think your English is off. She’s talking about my sperm. Where would your sperm come from?

From my balls.

Hold on. Back up.

Wait, wait. Are you…?

Hey, you’re in Bangkok sweetie. There’s a reason they don't call it Bang-****!

Woah! Here's the deal man, I got a dark side. There's a demon in me.

Alan

It's true, he has semen in him.

I said demon.

Alan

But you also have semen in you remember, from the...

It's not relevant, but thank you Alan.