Stu
There's a demon in me.
It's true, he has semen in him.
Tied for most-quoted character in The Hangover Part II (2011): in 8 of its 15 quotes
Most scenes with: Alan Garner (5), Phil (4), Chow (2)
Scenes with Stu
8 scenes
Stu
We're looking for a little kid.
Samir
$2,000.
Stu
Huh?
Samir
Maybe more, I don't know. How young you want this kid to be?
Stu
Oh my God! We kidnapped a monk!
We live an alternative lifestyle.
Do you ever do anything that doesn't end in a stand-off, Chow?
I am an international criminal. It always ends like this. I met my wife at one of these things.
Stu
You have a wife?
Yeah. We married 15 years. What, Chow not good-looking enough for a woman?
You wouldn't even be with her if it wasn't for us!
Stu
Oh, this will be good!
Stu, think about it! You ended up ditching Melissa... two years later, you met your true soulmate. You take Vegas out of that equation, you would've married a ****! [Old couple looks over and gives Phil dirty looks] Oh, it's ok... No, I'm allowed to say it, it's a bachelor party. Drink up everybody! Oh wait, there's no alcohol. I forgot, we're at a ****in' IHOP!
You ready for the craziest **** story ever? (Collapses on the table)
Chow! (Pats him)
Mr. Chow, are you okay?
You gotta be kidding me! (Checks for Chow's pulse) ****, he's dead!
Stu
(Freaks out, starts screaming)
Help!
Stu, shut up. Stu, shut up!
Stu
Call an ambulance!
Shut up, he's dead! Look, if someone comes and finds a dead body and a pile of cocaine, we're gonna spend the rest of our lives in a **** Thai prison! Now shh! Alan, please stop crying!
Kimmy
This one was following me around like a little puppy dog all night, saying how he fall in love with me, and asked me to marry him.
Classic Stu.
Stu
We didn’t get married, did we?
Kimmy
Of course not. We just had some fun in the Chardonnay Room.
What, uh… What happens in the Chardonnay Room?
Stu
Let’s just stay on task here.
Kimmy
Oh, you know. Dance for him. He tickle me. We had sex. I massage his shoulders…
Stu
****!
It’s okay. Hey, you're not married yet. It's no big deal.
Stu
It's cheating, okay? No offense to you, you're a lovely woman; it's a violation of my moral code.
Kimmy
Don’t be sad. Stu you love it. You were crying, saying how special it was.
Wait. I’m sorry, he was crying?
What a baby. He was crying.
Kimmy
You should have seen him. He was so sexy, the way he move ‘round. I had to ask him to slow down so I don’t drop my load too quick.
Stu
Load? What load?
Kimmy
Oh you know, my sperms.
Stu
Eh, I think your English is off. She’s talking about my sperm. Where would your sperm come from?
Kimmy
From my balls.
Hold on. Back up.
Stu
Wait, wait. Are you…?
Kimmy
Hey, you’re in Bangkok sweetie. There’s a reason they don't call it Bang-****!
Stu
Woah! Here's the deal man, I got a dark side. There's a demon in me.
It's true, he has semen in him.
Stu
I said demon.
But you also have semen in you remember, from the...
Stu
It's not relevant, but thank you Alan.