Brad quotes from We're the Millers (2013)
Played by Ed Helms
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Brad: Although you are forgetting one thing.
David: What?
Brad: You don't have a **** choice.
[David and Kenny are hanging out on steps of their building]
Kenny: So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?
David: Drug smuggler, Kenny, there's a difference.
Kenny: Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border, I mean, no offence, but you look like a total drug dealer.
David: No shit. Thanks dude.
Kenny: You could wear a disguise.
David: What?
Kenny: A disguise.
David: Okay, thats what I thought you said. So, a disguise, so what I should dress like, I dont know, whats hot this halloween these days. Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane, from Batman something like that on some of my **** face. [Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth] "Oh there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about"; Yeah, good idea.
RV driver: Hey, pardon me, sure hate to bug you fellows but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost so if you could help..
David: Yeah, **** off real life Flanders.
[Police officer tells RV driver that there is no parking here and gives RV driver directions and David has an epiphany]
David: Holy **** shit! Thank you dick heads!
David: What?
Brad: You don't have a **** choice.
[David and Kenny are hanging out on steps of their building]
Kenny: So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?
David: Drug smuggler, Kenny, there's a difference.
Kenny: Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border, I mean, no offence, but you look like a total drug dealer.
David: No shit. Thanks dude.
Kenny: You could wear a disguise.
David: What?
Kenny: A disguise.
David: Okay, thats what I thought you said. So, a disguise, so what I should dress like, I dont know, whats hot this halloween these days. Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane, from Batman something like that on some of my **** face. [Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth] "Oh there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about"; Yeah, good idea.
RV driver: Hey, pardon me, sure hate to bug you fellows but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost so if you could help..
David: Yeah, **** off real life Flanders.
[Police officer tells RV driver that there is no parking here and gives RV driver directions and David has an epiphany]
David: Holy **** shit! Thank you dick heads!
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Brad: So, where’s my money, David?
David Clark: Come on, man. We go back.
Brad: Here’s the thing: We do go back. But it’s not college anymore, okay? We’re not just selling lids out of my dorm room. And you owe me $43,000.
David Clark: I told you, I got robbed, Brad. They took everything I had, man. This week’s drop, 22 grand of my own money that I’d saved, I’m ****.
Brad: Listen, this is a **** up situation, but I might have a win-win for both of us.
David Clark: Great.
Brad: I have a smidge of very choice mari-ju-ana down in Mexico and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular courier is out on a count of the fact that he got gunned down. Anyway, that’s where you come in. You could be my mule. I need someone I can trust. You go down to Mexico, bring it back here by Sunday night, not only will I forgive your debt, I will pay you a standard courier fee of $100,000.
David Clark: You’re gonna give me 100 grand to move a smidge across the border?
Brad: Smidge and a half. It's nothing.
David Clark: Dude, I got rolled by the **** cast of Annie. Now I come walking in here you’re asking me to become an international drug dealer.
Brad: This is easy money, David. Come on, all you gotta do is pop down to Mexico, go to this address and tell them you're there to pick up for Pablo Chacon.
David Clark: Who the **** is Pablo Chacon?
Brad: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don’t get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?
David Clark: Come on, man. We go back.
Brad: Here’s the thing: We do go back. But it’s not college anymore, okay? We’re not just selling lids out of my dorm room. And you owe me $43,000.
David Clark: I told you, I got robbed, Brad. They took everything I had, man. This week’s drop, 22 grand of my own money that I’d saved, I’m ****.
Brad: Listen, this is a **** up situation, but I might have a win-win for both of us.
David Clark: Great.
Brad: I have a smidge of very choice mari-ju-ana down in Mexico and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular courier is out on a count of the fact that he got gunned down. Anyway, that’s where you come in. You could be my mule. I need someone I can trust. You go down to Mexico, bring it back here by Sunday night, not only will I forgive your debt, I will pay you a standard courier fee of $100,000.
David Clark: You’re gonna give me 100 grand to move a smidge across the border?
Brad: Smidge and a half. It's nothing.
David Clark: Dude, I got rolled by the **** cast of Annie. Now I come walking in here you’re asking me to become an international drug dealer.
Brad: This is easy money, David. Come on, all you gotta do is pop down to Mexico, go to this address and tell them you're there to pick up for Pablo Chacon.
David Clark: Who the **** is Pablo Chacon?
Brad: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don’t get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?
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David Clark: (on the phone, to Brad) Oh, hello, Brad. Where the **** have you been? I left you like 5 messages, man!
Brad: David! You’re alive! Cool! How did that happen?
David: Why don’t you ask the real Pablo Chacon how it happened?
Brad: I’m not gonna make excuses. It was kind of a dick move. A little bit.
David: A dick move? A dick move!
Brad: Little bit of a dick move.
David: Okay, well, tell you what. I’m not driving another ****in’ mile, all right? I want some goddamn hazard pay from your ass. Otherwise, I’m gonna turn around and get this smidge of pot back to Chacon, along with your **** address. Do you understand me?
Brad: It actually sounds like you’re threatening to double-cross me.
David: **** right I am!
Brad: And I’m kind of turned on right now. You make a good case for hazard pay. How much you want?
David: How much? Oh, I don’t know, I’m thinking half a million dollars. How about that?
Brad: Done.
David: ****in’ right it’s done. Good.
Brad: But I need it here by tonight or the deal is off.
David: Okay. No problem. That’s fine with me.
Brad: Where the hell are you anyway?
David: We’re at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Butt****, New Mexico.
Brad: Why?
David Clark: Why? Why?! Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his **** nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that’s why!
Brad: That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers? Listen, man, giddyup, okay? Tick-tock.
Brad: David! You’re alive! Cool! How did that happen?
David: Why don’t you ask the real Pablo Chacon how it happened?
Brad: I’m not gonna make excuses. It was kind of a dick move. A little bit.
David: A dick move? A dick move!
Brad: Little bit of a dick move.
David: Okay, well, tell you what. I’m not driving another ****in’ mile, all right? I want some goddamn hazard pay from your ass. Otherwise, I’m gonna turn around and get this smidge of pot back to Chacon, along with your **** address. Do you understand me?
Brad: It actually sounds like you’re threatening to double-cross me.
David: **** right I am!
Brad: And I’m kind of turned on right now. You make a good case for hazard pay. How much you want?
David: How much? Oh, I don’t know, I’m thinking half a million dollars. How about that?
Brad: Done.
David: ****in’ right it’s done. Good.
Brad: But I need it here by tonight or the deal is off.
David: Okay. No problem. That’s fine with me.
Brad: Where the hell are you anyway?
David: We’re at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Butt****, New Mexico.
Brad: Why?
David Clark: Why? Why?! Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his **** nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that’s why!
Brad: That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers? Listen, man, giddyup, okay? Tick-tock.
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