So, where’s my money, David?
Come on, man. We go back.
Here’s the thing: We do go back. But it’s not college anymore, okay? We’re not just selling lids out of my dorm room. And you owe me $43,000.
I told you, I got robbed, Brad. They took everything I had, man. This week’s drop, 22 grand of my own money that I’d saved, I’m ****.
Listen, this is a **** up situation, but I might have a win-win for both of us.
I have a smidge of very choice mari-ju-ana down in Mexico and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular courier is out on a count of the fact that he got gunned down. Anyway, that’s where you come in. You could be my mule. I need someone I can trust. You go down to Mexico, bring it back here by Sunday night, not only will I forgive your debt, I will pay you a standard courier fee of $100,000.
You’re gonna give me 100 grand to move a smidge across the border?
Smidge and a half. It's nothing.
Dude, I got rolled by the **** cast of Annie. Now I come walking in here you’re asking me to become an international drug dealer.
This is easy money, David. Come on, all you gotta do is pop down to Mexico, go to this address and tell them you're there to pick up for Pablo Chacon.
Who the **** is Pablo Chacon?
I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don’t get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?
(on the phone, to Brad)
Oh, hello, Brad. Where the **** have you been? I left you like 5 messages, man!
David! You’re alive! Cool! How did that happen?
Why don’t you ask the real Pablo Chacon how it happened?
I’m not gonna make excuses. It was kind of a dick move. A little bit.
A dick move? A dick move!
Little bit of a dick move.
Okay, well, tell you what. I’m not driving another ****in’ mile, all right? I want some goddamn hazard pay from your ass. Otherwise, I’m gonna turn around and get this smidge of pot back to Chacon, along with your **** address. Do you understand me?
It actually sounds like you’re threatening to double-cross me.
And I’m kind of turned on right now. You make a good case for hazard pay. How much you want?
How much? Oh, I don’t know, I’m thinking half a million dollars. How about that?
****in’ right it’s done. Good.
But I need it here by tonight or the deal is off.
Okay. No problem. That’s fine with me.
Where the hell are you anyway?
We’re at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Butt****, New Mexico.
Why? Why?! Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his **** nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that’s why!
That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers? Listen, man, giddyup, okay? Tick-tock.
I heard you and Mrs. O’Reilly fighting.
It’s called flirting, Kenny. You’ll learn about it in college. What are you doing up? It’s almost 2. Where’s your Mom?
Uh, she went for a drink. With a friend.
Last week. Uh, so I got the whole place to myself. Yeah. Rolling Han Solo for the weekend.
Um, speaking of rolling, I was wondering if…
I don’t sell to kids, Kenny.
I’m 18, I’m gonna get my own place soon. Not a kid, David.
Yeah, you are, take care.
Give me my **** phone! You guys are such assholes!
ST Street thug
Hey, baby.
ST Street thug
Oh, I’m sorry, baby.
Unhand her. Hey, leave her alone. (grunts)
Goddamn it, Kenny. (David follows Kenny)
ST Street thug
**** tough guy, huh?
ST Street thug 2
You don’t have to…
Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Easy, easy. What’s going on here?
ST Street thug
Mind your own **** business, old man.
Oh, my God, You’re a dude. Ha, ha! That scared me. I was like, what the hell? I mean, your voice was much deeper than your bone structure.
These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone.
Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren’t you homeless?
Okay, this was fun, carry on. Come on, let’s go.
Wait, no. These guys are picking on her and it’s not fair.
ST Street thug 2
What the **** are you gonna do about it, white boy? You some type a hero?
No, he’s not a hero, he’s just a dumb kid. I got an idea. Leave the girl alone. You three just move along. Huh, what do you say? Move along?
ST Street thug
What are you, some kind of cop?
No, he’s not a cop. He’s actually really cool. He’s a drug dealer.
ST Street thug
Really? (Holds up a switchblade)
ST Street thug
Give me your backpack.
ST Street thug
Well, there’s not gonna be a fight. See, you either give me your backpack, or I’m gonna stab you in the **** neck and take it.
Whew. So it’s a real Sophie’s choice here, huh? Alright. Okay, backpack it is. If you want… Run, Kenny! (David swings it at a street thug, and runs into alleyway, with the street thugs in pursuit of him)
ST Street thug
You’re dead meat!
(walking down the street in nonchalant tone)
Hey, sorry, I dropped my phone. Are we still going out tonight or what?
(to the street thugs as he swings his backpack around)
Oh, shit. Sorry, this is **** dumb. (lands on the dumpster feeling hurt)
ST Street thug
Whoa-ho-ho, mother****er.
ST Street thug 2
We got you now.
Unh! (He is caught by the thugs and his apartment is cleaned out of marijuana and cash.)
ST Street thug
Do whatever’s in the safe too.
ST Street thug 2
Look at that.
It’s not even my money. If you take that, my boss will kill me.
Are you okay, David? I can help. I’ll call the cops. (To David slumped on the apartment floor)
NF Natalie the Flight Attendant
Hi, you folks have everything you need?
Oh, you betcha! Yeah, we’re heading out on a family vacay here, you know? Off to see grandma, huh?
N Natalie
Well, you have a lovely family.
Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, this is my son, Kenny Miller, right here. And my lovely daughter…
Casey. Casey Miller. That’s right. And I’m David Miller. We’re the Millers. Yeah, now, you know, I got my hands full here. Couple of kooky teenagers.
Yeah, I’m going through all those typical teenage girl issues like finals and college applications…and am I gonna get asked to prom. Plus, I haven’t gotten my period in two months…which is really weird, because I’ve mostly just been doing anal.
Oh, that’s enough. Well, thank you for your help, Natalie.
Although you are forgetting one thing.
You don't have a **** choice.
[David and Kenny are hanging out on steps of their building]
So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?
Drug smuggler, Kenny, there's a difference.
Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border, I mean, no offence, but you look like a total drug dealer.
You could wear a disguise.
Okay, thats what I thought you said. So, a disguise, so what I should dress like, I dont know, whats hot this halloween these days. Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane, from Batman something like that on some of my **** face. [Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth] "Oh there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about"; Yeah, good idea.
RD RV driver
Hey, pardon me, sure hate to bug you fellows but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost so if you could help..
Yeah, **** off real life Flanders.
[Police officer tells RV driver that there is no parking here and gives RV driver directions and David has an epiphany]
Holy **** shit! Thank you dick heads!
Hey hey hey hey easy easy, whats going on here?
ST Street thug
Mind your own **** business old man.
Oh my god, you're a dude. I was like, what the hell, I mean your voice was much deeper that your bone structure.
These assholes are trying to steal my iPhone.
Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?
So? **** you dude. [Note:Not clear who she says this to]
Okay, this was fun, carry on.
Wait, no. These guys are picking on this girl, and it's not fair.
ST Street thug 2
What the **** are you gonna do about it white boy? You some type a hero? [Note:The street thug is caucasian]
No, he's not a hero, he's just a dumb kid. I got an idea, leave the girl alone. You three just move along huh? What do you say? Move along?
ST Street thug
What are you, some kind of cop?
No, he's not a cop. He's actually really cool. He's a drug dealer.
ST Street thug
Really? [Holds up a switchblade]
ST Street thug
Give me your bag pack.
ST Street thug
Oh, there's not gonna be a fight. See, you either give me your backpack, or I'm gonna stab you in the **** neck, and take it.
Whew. So it's a real Sophie's Choice here huh? Alright, okay, back pack it is you want... [David swings it at a street thug, and runs into alleyway, with street thugs in pursuit of him]
[Casey walking down the street in nonchalant tone]
Hey sorry, I dropped my phone. Are we still out tonight or what? [David is caught by the thugs and his apartment is cleaned out of marijuana and cash.]
I can help. I'll call the cops. [To David slumped on apartment floor]
So I heard you and Miss O'Riley fighting.
Its called flirting, Kenny. you'll learn about it in college. What the hell you doing up. Its almost two am. Where's your mom?
Uh, She went for a drink with a friend.
Last week. So I got my whole place to myself. Rolling Han Solo for the weekend. Um, speaking of rolling, I was wondering...
I don't sell to kids, Kenny.
I'm 18, Im gonna get my own place soon. I'm not a kid, David.
Yeah, you are, take care.
[Kenny has noticed three men harassing a young woman in an alleyway so Kenny has walked over]
Goddammit, Kenny. [David follows Kenny]
We didn't know if you were dead in a ditch. You couldn't've called?
Or some of those damn text messages you always sending out there; "hey its me casey, im not dead in the ditch lol, a little pig with a **** smile, #YOLO".
Whoa, was that so hard to say, thank you, appreciate that.
Unbelieveable, she learned a new word Rose. Thank God.
"I'm sorry", He will be great.
Oh, there he is. Kenny, oh my god you looks so much better.
Yeah, doesn't he looks better?
Yeah, he looks like a thousand bucks. Lets go come on.
Hey, take it easy. Would you just relax? Oh, hurt my elbow.
David, look what's happened to you, when you running around like a crazy person.
What are you talking about? He's fine, come on. Come on Ken doll hop hop buddy, here we go here we go.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Whats wrong with me? Look this job has a deadline and in four **** hours alright, and if you thinking I'm gonnna lose half a million dollars pay day because of one of Kenny's boo boos then you're out of your goddamned mind.
Whoa, wait a second, you're making half a millon dollars on this deal?
Rose, listen to me, I can explain it.
You're making $500,000 and giving me only $30,000?
$30,000? I'm only getting $1,000!
You guys are getting paid?
What, come on girl. You texting me girl. You know what's up?
Scottie! Hey! get you hands off of her! Come here Casey. [To Scottie P.] And you put your hands on her one more time. I swear I will rip that **** tattoo right off your chest! You know what I'm saying?
You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone man?
What do you gonna do about it? Eye brows?
One...two... [Rose immediately punches him]
Broke my nose. How aggresive, woman. You know what I'm saying? [Scottie P. walks away]
That was awesome, you just **** decked him!
Yeah, well I just dealt with him like the assholes like him at work. Come on, let's just get outta here. Thanks for the back up, Kenny. What's with the count? If you gonna punch somebody, you punch 'em on the one.
Well, David told me to count.
David? David hasn't punch anybody, ever. I think the exit is this way.
This is what I miss right? The ping pong action. The repartée. Casey says; "Go **** yourself" then you go **** yourself, and then Rose, you say; "you go **** yourself", then Kenny's like; "I don't wanna **** anybody".
We're not getting in the RV.
What? okay, okay. I know whats this is about, and I get it. We gonna split the $500,000, evenly, between the four of us. You guys get what i'm saying here. Kenny, you wanna be like this. Thats a lot of video games kiddo. Casey, you can buy a house, run away from it, you know what i'm mean? Like whatever. You get $125.000, You get $125.000, you get a... you know, I'm like ****in' Oprah here. You know, like if she was a white dude at a carnival. Okay look, what do you want? you want me to beg? Kids, what do you think?
