Under Kilroy
[Written on the wall of the bank, after it's been cleaned out]
Up yours, baby.
Big Joe
Telly Savalas · 9 quotes
Kelly
Clint Eastwood · 7 quotes
Sergeant "Oddball"
Donald Sutherland · 4 quotes
Staff Sergeant "Crapgame"
Don Rickles · 4 quotes
Major General Colt
Carroll O'Connor · 3 quotes
First Sergeant Mulligan
2 quotes
Most scenes together: Big Joe & Kelly (5), Sergeant "Oddball" & Big Joe (3), Sergeant "Oddball" & Kelly (3)
Kelly's Heroes quotes
Page 1 of 2Hey, this guy in the Tiger? Least we can do is get on the radio and talk to 'im.
Are you crazy? That guy's gotta be a full fanatic freak! Otherwise he would a split outta this town twenty minutes ago!
Hey, look, all he's doing is guarding the bank like he was told.
Maybe. But I wonder if he even knows what's in it.
If I hear any more threats against Captain Maitland's life, if I hear anymore wild talk about going down to Headquarters and killing the General and raping the nurses at the field hospital, I'll strangle the guy with my bare hands! You understand that? Now all good things come to those who wait! We're gonna have a lot of fun here! Aren't we, Cowboy?
Private Cowboy You can bet your boots on that, partner.
Sergeant, partner!
Private Willard Right, Sarge.
All right!
Private Willard I think I've got the crabs.
[slight pause]
We'll boil our laundry! We'll set up a little shower area so we can wash our cute little bodies. Right, Barbara?
Private Babra
Babra!
Shut up! Shave! A little wine, women and song. A little chiquita for you, Petuko. It'll take a little time to get organized, but I want that farmhouse to look like a nightclub! Little Joe! I want you to set up a bar!
Little Joe
We ain't got no booze.
"We ain't got no booze." Well, we're gonna get some booze! I'm gonna go down to the Battalion, see if I can lay my hands on some dirty movies and when I come back, I want that farmhouse not only clean, but completely decorated! Do you understand that? All right, Corporal, fall them out! Let's get moving.
Yeah, just a few little things, Kelly. According to this map, we got a river to cross before we get into this town of yours.
Well, there's a bridge right here, six miles out.
There was a bridge. The Air Corps knocked every bridge out of that river months ago.
Uh-uh, intelligence reports the Air Corps knocking 'em out by day and the Germans rebuilding 'em at night. Now, all we have to do is be there tomorrow morning at dawn and we got ourselves a bridge.
Oh! Well, how about the German Army? Do you think they'd mind us crossing their bridge there, eh, Kelly?
Probably.
You know something, Kelly? I think you're crazy. Better yet, I think I'm crazy! How the hell I ever let you talk the guys into this?! Push 30 miles behind enemy lines, take a bridge held by the Germans and then go into a town we don't know how many German soldiers are guarding!
Well, I figure there's between 30 and 40 troops in that town.
All right, how'd you figure that?
Well, it's of no military importance, it's not big enough for a garrison-
You still didn't answer the question! How'd you figure 30 or 40 men?
Because that's the normal amount of support for three Tiger tanks.
Well, that's why we have Oddball and his Shermans.
Does he know about the Tigers?
Not yet, no.
You bet your sweet ass he doesn't, or he'd be still on that funny-farm of his! He may be nuts, but he's not crazy enough to put Shermans up against Tigers! You know once those things get rolling, they'll blow that whole town to pieces, including us, Kelly!
Oh, you're too smart to let that happen, Joe.
Oh, wow...
You'll figure us a way in and out of that town, and I know you've got a good head for tactics.
Yeah? And I intend to keep it right here on my shoulders, Kelly! With these Tigers, this operation goes above and beyond the call of duty!
[looking around inside a yacht where Captain Maitland is standing]
What are you doing in there, sir?
Capt. Maitland I'm checking out the motor.
The motor? What for?
Capt. Maitland We're pulling out and I want to see if this yacht is worth taking back to base.
What about Nancy!?
Capt. Maitland Third Army's taking over. We’re going into reserve. Once they take Nancy, we go back into the line.
Aw, Captain, I don't think you have the welfare of your men at heart here! This is a big, big town, with a lot of with a lot of passionate broads... great restaurants, feather beds in rooms with hot water... Look, Captain, we've been rained on, pushed on, bombed on... mortared on by Mulligan all the way from the Normandy beachhead!
Capt. Maitland I'm aware of that problem, Sergeant.
“I’m aware of that problem...” You've been aware of that problem ever since we got out of the water at Omaha! Look, why is it that every time we get to a town like Nancy, it’s these clowns with the clean uniforms and ties that get to ride the trucks into town and make their pitch?
Capt. Maitland The General says we pull out, so we pull out.
Look, Captain! You can't let them do this! I gotta get my men some broads they start freaking-out with each other!
Capt. Maitland I'm aware that that situation might be developing... [looks around] Think I could get this into the hold of a B-17?
We're point section to the whole damn Army! Nancy's our town, Captain!
[voice from outside] Hey, Big Joe!
What is it!?
[voice from outside] Babra says there's a company of Germans pushing up the road!
I'll be with you in a minute! [turns to Capt. Maitland ]
Look, Captain! We got it all figured out. We even got a guide! All we have to do is get in there!
Capt. Maitland There’s a couple of German divisions who say you can't.
OK! So we need a little help!
Capt. Maitland All I need is to figure out how to get this yacht out of here. [pause] You get back to the barn. I'll get the Engineers and do it myself.
You're supposed to be in charge of this outfit!
Capt. Maitland You're doing such a good job, Sergeant- why should I get in your way?
[pause, listening.]
Listen, Mulligan, I don't think I'm getting through to you. You're dropping your damn barrage on our position!
[cut back to Big Joe ]
You can't hear me? The reason you can't hear me is because you're firing your mortars on your end, and they're landing here, at our end!
[pause, listening.]
Mulligan, your bombs are coming down on our heads! I don't know where the Krauts are. Just lift your goddamned barrage! Over!
[throws radio mic into jeep with Little Joe ]
Captain Maitland Okay, Sergeant, everything's secure up here. I'm coming down now.
Hey, Captain.
Captain Maitland Sergeant, do you think I could get this yacht to Paris by Sunday?
You didn't bring me to this lousy farmhouse to talk about this lousy boat again, did you, Captain?
Captain Maitland Oh, now, Sergeant, I worked on a deal with Headquarters. I just want to make sure they have a good time. I must get this yacht to Paris and pick up one and two things for the General.
And where do we spend this vacation?
Captain Maitland Right here, Sergeant.
Are you kidding?
Captain Maitland No, I'm not kidding. With a little imagination, you can fix this place up. Lay out a baseball diamond. Run the water into the back of the house. Special service is coming by with some magazines and paperbacks.
We're 10 miles from the nearest town! There's no action!
Captain Maitland Well, that's the beautiful thing about this location, Sergeant. It's quiet. Get yourself a little suntan, a little rest. In three days we're back in the line.
Private Fisher Hey, Captain! We're all ready to move out!
Captain Maitland Yeah, go ahead.
Captain, there's no broads, there's no booze, there's no action!
Captain Maitland That's another thing. Don't fool around with the women; their husbands carry guns. And don't forget, the penalty for looting is death!
LOOT WHAT?! THERE'S NOTHIN' HERE TO LOOT!
Captain Maitland [hurrying after the truck hauling his yacht]
I'll be back in three days!
Get yourself a suntan and get some rest. He's got to be out of his mind!
Captain Maitland But how does he get away with it? That's what I wanna know.
Very simple. The General's his uncle, that's how.
How are things going with the bank?
[A distant explosion is heard as the Tiger fires; Big Joe shakes his head.]
Nothin'. The Sherman's broken down and nobody's gonna get that Tiger out of the square.
Make a deal with 'im.
What kind of a deal?
A deal deal! Maybe the guy's a Republican! Business is business, right?
Okay, big mouth.
[Upon seeing Kelly, assuming Kelly is there to yell at him for shelling Kelly's unit by accident the previous night]
Wait, Kelly, wait. Will you listen to me a second? Will ya listen to me! It's not me, I tell ya, it's not me! I - I can't tell one shell from another, they all look alike! They all look alike. If was me, if I could tell, would I be here? WOULD I BE HERE?! I wouldn't be here, Kelly! I'd be back in the States! I'd be out with all those broads! I'd be working in a factory!
Relax.
Wait a minute. Will ya just listen to me? We gotta have a little understanding around here. Why the hell can't we ever have any understanding around here?!
Relax. Mulligan, I just want to make a proposition to you.
A prop-proposition? Well, is it dirty or just illegal?
Well, I want you to set up a barrage for me. I want you to lay down a barrage for me, Mulligan. Grid section 7, right here at these crossroads.
I got to have a signed operations order from the C.O.
You see, that's just the problem, Mulligan. We don't have an authorization.
You don't have a... Gee, well, Kelly, without an authorization... I can't help you.
I told you I had a proposition, Mulligan. That's just what I meant. [takes out a gold bar] A proposition.
Well... why?
Why what?
Why... Why not?
You won't forget me now, will you?
You're a good man, Mulligan.
This man is the man I have my mind on today and I'll tell you who he is: this is my opposite number, General Bogle, commanding the 2nd German Armor Division. Now I look at that face, I can read that character... this guy's a loser. Here I am sitting in his headquarters, I'm drinking his scotch... hell, I even got one of his broads hanging around here somewheres. The guy's a born loser... but you gentleman have not buried him yet. Now you call yourselves leaders of men?
Major Roach
They're putting up strong resistance, General.
Aw, c'mon, Roach, I flew over the battlefield this morning; why, I could march a divisional dress parade with band music right through the middle of their lines!
Major Roach
Well, what about our flanks, sir?
Aw, the hell with your flanks, Roach, how many times have I gotta tell ya forget about your flanks, willya?
Major
Sir, there's still half a panzer division between here and Nancy...
Without gas. Without gas, gentlemen.
Colonel Booker Oh, they're getting gas, sir, it's coming up at night.
How?
Colonel Booker By truck.
The Air Force has got my orders to blow every bridge in this sector out of existence.
Colonel Booker Yes, sir, and they're doing it. And the Germans, they're rebuilding the bridges every night.
Well, we're supposed to be blowing 'em up again in the daytime. Captain, get me those aerial photographs.
Captain Jablonski
Right, sir.
Major Roach
General, last night someone gave orders to redirect our mortar fire against some damn crossroads.
Listen, Roach, I don't want any excuses outta you, ya hear me? All I want is to know why this loser of a general is keeping me the hell out of Nancy.
Major Roach
Sir, we haven't got the supplies - it's just a matter of logistics.
Logistics?
Major Roach
Yes, sir.
We got logistics comin' out of our ears! What we need is fighting spirit. The will to win! Where are those aerial photographs?
Captain Jablonski
[Rummaging around for the photos]
I'm sorry, sir, they don't seem to be here.
They don't what?
Captain Jablonski
[Still looking for the pictures]
I can't locate them, Sir.
Hey. [CPT Jablonski looks at Colt] Did you lose my aerial photographs?
Crapgame?
Whaddya want?
I want to talk to you for a few minutes.
What about?
I have this deal I've been working on. I thought you might be interested in helping me out.
What kind of deal?
A private deal.
Hey, Harry, go get yourself a haircut. [Harry leaves] I hear Maitland's got himself a yacht and taking it to Paris. There's money in yachts. What does he want a yacht for?
Who cares, as long as it keeps him out of our hair for a few days?
Okay, Kelly. What is it? What is it you want?
Well, I want 15 Thompsons, two .30-caliber machine guns, two bazookas, two field radios and enough supplies and ammunition to last a platoon of men in the field for three days.
Nope! I want this Intelligence report for this whole sector and I need it in the next two hours.
That's nice. What's in it for me?
A piece of the action.
What kind of action?
Oh, wow! Hello, Izzy? Yeah, it's me, it's me. Listen, get me a quotation for gold on the Paris market. Yeah, now and hurry it up! How much more where this came from?
Fourteen thousand bars.
Fourteen thousand bars! Fourteen thousand bars! Fourteen thousand! Oh, wow, wow! Hey, sweetheart, have yourself a bottle of booze, you're beautiful! That's beautiful! Where is it?
In a bank.
In a bank? You're getting pretty ambitious, aren't you? You think you could blow a bank and get away with it?
It's behind enemy lines.
Behind enemy lines. [realizes] That could be the perfect crime.
Well, what do you think, Oddball?
It's a wasted trip, baby. Nobody said nothing about locking horns with no Tigers.
Hey look, you just keep them Tigers busy and we'll take care of the rest.
The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to let them shoot holes in me!
We just want you to keep them interested for a while, that's all.
PFC Moriarty Oh, man! You guys are crazy! When we was in the bocage country, we was assaulted by them Tigers! You know what I mean by "assaulted"? Well, I mean assaulted!
Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?
PFC Moriarty Crap!
All right, so it's a beautiful day. Now, let's get down to cases. The Tiger is an open-country tank. We happen to have these and a small town with narrow streets. And we do have the element of surprise.
Look, Kelly, a Tiger has only one weak point. That's its ass. You've got to hit it point blank and you've got to hit it from behind. Now we do not have the element of surprise. They will hear our Detroit motors long before we ever even get inside that town.
What if I can show you a way to get into that town so they don't hear you?
Hey, Oddball, this is your hour of glory. And you're chickening out!
To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich! Not some nut who takes on three Tigers.
Nobody's asking you to be a hero.
No? Then you sit up in that turret, baby.
No, because you're gonna be up there, baby, and I'll be right outside showing you which way to go.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!
[Kelly, Big Joe and Oddball approach the last Tiger in the open; a turret hatch opens and the Tiger's commander climbs out to meet them.]
Cigarette?
German Tank Commander
No smoke. The fuel system is rotten. We have gasoline all over the place.
S'all right. Hey, look, Max, you and us we're just soldiers, right? We don't even know what this war's all about. All we do is we fight and we die and for what? We don't get anything out of it. Now, in about half an hour, the whole American Army's gonna be coming down that road. So why don't you do yourself a big fat favor, huh? And get the hell outta here?
German Tank Commander
I have orders. This bank isn't to fall into the hands of the American Army.
Sergeant, this bank's not gonna fall into the hands of the American Army. It's gonna fall into our hands. You see, we're just a private enterprise operation.
German Tank Commander
You- the American Army.
No, baby, we ain't. You know what's inside that bank, man? There's 16 million dollars' worth of gold in that bank, sweetheart.
That's about 65 million Marks.
And Sergeant, all you have to do to have an equal share of this money, is to crank this turret around and blow a hole in that door.
I'm gonna decorate every man in this penetration unit, whoever they are. They saved the reputation of this entire army. [To his officers] You're the ones supposed to be fightin' this battle, and you don't even know where the hell it is! Well, I'll tell you where it is. It's thirty miles beyond where you thought it was. Booker! Come on, now, let's get this army of mine back in the war!
Oh, him? Name's Kelly. Used to be a lieutenant. Pretty good one, too. Till they gave orders to attack the wrong hill. Wiped out half a company of GI's. Somebody had to take the blame and he got picked.