Big Joe quotes from Kelly's Heroes (1970)

We've been waiting here for two hours...

No, that's map section three, not four...

I don't give a damn what command says about anything!

Listen, Mulligan, I don't think I'm getting through to you. You're dropping your damn barrage on our position!

Kelly

Sitten Sie.

You can't hear me? The reason you can't hear me is because you're firing your mortars on your end, and they're landing here, at our end!

No, the Krauts aren't here! We're here!

Mulligan, your bombs are coming down on our heads! I don't know where the Krauts are. Just lift your goddamned barrage! Over!
[throws radio mic into jeep with Little Joe ]

What are you doing in there, sir?

I'm checking out the motor.

The motor? What for?

We're pulling out and I want to see if this yacht is worth taking back to base.

What about Nancy!?

Third Army's taking over. We’re going into reserve. Once they take Nancy, we go back into the line.

Aw, Captain, I don't think you have the welfare of your men at heart here! This is a big, big town, with a lot of with a lot of passionate broads... great restaurants, feather beds in rooms with hot water... Look, Captain, we've been rained on, pushed on, bombed on... mortared on by Mulligan all the way from the Normandy beachhead!

I'm aware of that problem, Sergeant.

“I’m aware of that problem...” You've been aware of that problem ever since we got out of the water at Omaha! Look, why is it that every time we get to a town like Nancy, it’s these clowns with the clean uniforms and ties that get to ride the trucks into town and make their pitch?

The General says we pull out, so we pull out.

Look, Captain! You can't let them do this! I gotta get my men some broads they start freaking-out with each other!

I'm aware that that situation might be developing... [looks around] Think I could get this into the hold of a B-17?

We're point section to the whole damn Army! Nancy's our town, Captain!
[voice from outside] Hey, Big Joe!

What is it!?
[voice from outside] Babra says there's a company of Germans pushing up the road!

I'll be with you in a minute! [turns to Capt. Maitland ]

Look, Captain! We got it all figured out. We even got a guide! All we have to do is get in there!

There’s a couple of German divisions who say you can't.

OK! So we need a little help!

All I need is to figure out how to get this yacht out of here. [pause] You get back to the barn. I'll get the Engineers and do it myself.

You're supposed to be in charge of this outfit!

You're doing such a good job, Sergeant- why should I get in your way?

If I hear any more threats against Captain Maitland's life, if I hear anymore wild talk about going down to Headquarters and killing the General and raping the nurses at the field hospital, I'll strangle the guy with my bare hands! You understand that? Now all good things come to those who wait! We're gonna have a lot of fun here! Aren't we, Cowboy?

You can bet your boots on that, partner.

Sergeant, partner!

Right, Sarge.

All right!

I think I've got the crabs.

We'll boil our laundry! We'll set up a little shower area so we can wash our cute little bodies. Right, Barbara?

Babra!

Shut up! Shave! A little wine, women and song. A little chiquita for you, Petuko. It'll take a little time to get organized, but I want that farmhouse to look like a nightclub! Little Joe! I want you to set up a bar!

We ain't got no booze.

"We ain't got no booze." Well, we're gonna get some booze! I'm gonna go down to the Battalion, see if I can lay my hands on some dirty movies and when I come back, I want that farmhouse not only clean, but completely decorated! Do you understand that? All right, Corporal, fall them out! Let's get moving.

Okay, Sergeant, everything's secure up here. I'm coming down now.

Hey, Captain.

Sergeant, do you think I could get this yacht to Paris by Sunday?

You didn't bring me to this lousy farmhouse to talk about this lousy boat again, did you, Captain?

Oh, now, Sergeant, I worked on a deal with Headquarters. I just want to make sure they have a good time. I must get this yacht to Paris and pick up one and two things for the General.

And where do we spend this vacation?

Right here, Sergeant.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding. With a little imagination, you can fix this place up. Lay out a baseball diamond. Run the water into the back of the house. Special service is coming by with some magazines and paperbacks.

We're 10 miles from the nearest town! There's no action!

Well, that's the beautiful thing about this location, Sergeant. It's quiet. Get yourself a little suntan, a little rest. In three days we're back in the line.

Hey, Captain! We're all ready to move out!

Yeah, go ahead.

Captain, there's no broads, there's no booze, there's no action!

That's another thing. Don't fool around with the women; their husbands carry guns. And don't forget, the penalty for looting is death!

LOOT WHAT?! THERE'S NOTHIN' HERE TO LOOT!

I'll be back in three days!

Get yourself a suntan and get some rest. He's got to be out of his mind!

But how does he get away with it? That's what I wanna know.

Very simple. The General's his uncle, that's how.

Yeah, just a few little things, Kelly. According to this map, we got a river to cross before we get into this town of yours.

Kelly

Well, there's a bridge right here, six miles out.

There was a bridge. The Air Corps knocked every bridge out of that river months ago.

Kelly

Uh-uh, intelligence reports the Air Corps knocking 'em out by day and the Germans rebuilding 'em at night. Now, all we have to do is be there tomorrow morning at dawn and we got ourselves a bridge.

Oh! Well, how about the German Army? Do you think they'd mind us crossing their bridge there, eh, Kelly?

Kelly

Probably.

You know something, Kelly? I think you're crazy. Better yet, I think I'm crazy! How the hell I ever let you talk the guys into this?! Push 30 miles behind enemy lines, take a bridge held by the Germans and then go into a town we don't know how many German soldiers are guarding!

Kelly

Well, I figure there's between 30 and 40 troops in that town.

All right, how'd you figure that?

Kelly

Well, it's of no military importance, it's not big enough for a garrison-

You still didn't answer the question! How'd you figure 30 or 40 men?

Kelly

Because that's the normal amount of support for three Tiger tanks.

Tigers? Where'd the hell the Tigers come from?!

Kelly

Well, that's why we have Oddball and his Shermans.

Does he know about the Tigers?

Kelly

Not yet, no.

You bet your sweet ass he doesn't, or he'd be still on that funny-farm of his! He may be nuts, but he's not crazy enough to put Shermans up against Tigers! You know once those things get rolling, they'll blow that whole town to pieces, including us, Kelly!

Kelly

Oh, you're too smart to let that happen, Joe.

Oh, wow...

Kelly

You'll figure us a way in and out of that town, and I know you've got a good head for tactics.

Yeah? And I intend to keep it right here on my shoulders, Kelly! With these Tigers, this operation goes above and beyond the call of duty!

Kelly

Well, what do you think, Oddball?

Oddball

It's a wasted trip, baby. Nobody said nothing about locking horns with no Tigers.

Hey look, you just keep them Tigers busy and we'll take care of the rest.

Oddball

The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to let them shoot holes in me!

Lieutenant Kelly

We just want you to keep them interested for a while, that's all.

Oh, man! You guys are crazy! When we was in the bocage country, we was assaulted by them Tigers! You know what I mean by "assaulted"? Well, I mean assaulted!

Oddball

Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?

Crap!

Lieutenant Kelly

All right, so it's a beautiful day. Now, let's get down to cases. The Tiger is an open-country tank. We happen to have these and a small town with narrow streets. And we do have the element of surprise.

Oddball

Look, Kelly, a Tiger has only one weak point. That's its ass. You've got to hit it point blank and you've got to hit it from behind. Now we do not have the element of surprise. They will hear our Detroit motors long before we ever even get inside that town.

Lieutenant Kelly

What if I can show you a way to get into that town so they don't hear you?

Crapgame

Hey, Oddball, this is your hour of glory. And you're chickening out!

Oddball

To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich! Not some nut who takes on three Tigers.

Kelly

Nobody's asking you to be a hero.

Oddball

No? Then you sit up in that turret, baby.

Kelly

No, because you're gonna be up there, baby, and I'll be right outside showing you which way to go.

Oddball

Yeah?

Kelly

Yeah.

Oddball

Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!

Crapgame

How are things going with the bank?

Nothin'. The Sherman's broken down and nobody's gonna get that Tiger out of the square.

Crapgame

Make a deal with 'im.

What kind of a deal?

Crapgame

A deal deal! Maybe the guy's a Republican! Business is business, right?

Okay, big mouth.

Hey, this guy in the Tiger? Least we can do is get on the radio and talk to 'im.

Oddball

Are you crazy? That guy's gotta be a full fanatic freak! Otherwise he would a split outta this town twenty minutes ago!

Hey, look, all he's doing is guarding the bank like he was told.

Kelly

Maybe. But I wonder if he even knows what's in it.

Cigarette?

No smoke. The fuel system is rotten. We have gasoline all over the place.

S'all right. Hey, look, Max, you and us we're just soldiers, right? We don't even know what this war's all about. All we do is we fight and we die and for what? We don't get anything out of it. Now, in about half an hour, the whole American Army's gonna be coming down that road. So why don't you do yourself a big fat favor, huh? And get the hell outta here?

I have orders. This bank isn't to fall into the hands of the American Army.

Lieutenant Kelly

Sergeant, this bank's not gonna fall into the hands of the American Army. It's gonna fall into our hands. You see, we're just a private enterprise operation.

You- the American Army.

Oddball

No, baby, we ain't. You know what's inside that bank, man? There's 16 million dollars' worth of gold in that bank, sweetheart.

That's about 65 million Marks.

Kelly

And Sergeant, all you have to do to have an equal share of this money, is to crank this turret around and blow a hole in that door.