Kelly quotes from Kelly's Heroes (1970)

We've been waiting here for two hours...

No, that's map section three, not four...

I don't give a damn what command says about anything!

Listen, Mulligan, I don't think I'm getting through to you. You're dropping your damn barrage on our position!

Kelly

Sitten Sie.

You can't hear me? The reason you can't hear me is because you're firing your mortars on your end, and they're landing here, at our end!

No, the Krauts aren't here! We're here!

Mulligan, your bombs are coming down on our heads! I don't know where the Krauts are. Just lift your goddamned barrage! Over!
[throws radio mic into jeep with Little Joe ]

Wait, Kelly, wait. Will you listen to me a second? Will ya listen to me! It's not me, I tell ya, it's not me! I - I can't tell one shell from another, they all look alike! They all look alike. If was me, if I could tell, would I be here? WOULD I BE HERE?! I wouldn't be here, Kelly! I'd be back in the States! I'd be out with all those broads! I'd be working in a factory!

Kelly

Relax.

Wait a minute. Will ya just listen to me? We gotta have a little understanding around here. Why the hell can't we ever have any understanding around here?!

Kelly

Relax. Mulligan, I just want to make a proposition to you.

A prop-proposition? Well, is it dirty or just illegal?

Kelly

Well, I want you to set up a barrage for me. I want you to lay down a barrage for me, Mulligan. Grid section 7, right here at these crossroads.

I got to have a signed operations order from the C.O.

Kelly

You see, that's just the problem, Mulligan. We don't have an authorization.

You don't have a... Gee, well, Kelly, without an authorization... I can't help you.

Kelly

I told you I had a proposition, Mulligan. That's just what I meant. [takes out a gold bar] A proposition.

Well... why?

Kelly

Why what?

Why... Why not?

Kelly

You won't forget me now, will you?

No. No, I won't forget, Kelly.

Kelly

You're a good man, Mulligan.

Kelly

Crapgame?

Staff Sergeant "Crapgame"

Whaddya want?

Kelly

I want to talk to you for a few minutes.

Crapgame

What about?

Kelly

I have this deal I've been working on. I thought you might be interested in helping me out.

Crapgame

What kind of deal?

Kelly

A private deal.

Crapgame

Hey, Harry, go get yourself a haircut. [Harry leaves] I hear Maitland's got himself a yacht and taking it to Paris. There's money in yachts. What does he want a yacht for?

Kelly

Who cares, as long as it keeps him out of our hair for a few days?

Crapgame

Okay, Kelly. What is it? What is it you want?

Kelly

Well, I want 15 Thompsons, two .30-caliber machine guns, two bazookas, two field radios and enough supplies and ammunition to last a platoon of men in the field for three days.

Crapgame

Oh. Is that all?

Kelly

Nope! I want this Intelligence report for this whole sector and I need it in the next two hours.

Crapgame

That's nice. What's in it for me?

Kelly

A piece of the action.

Crapgame

What kind of action?

Kelly

This kind of action.

Crapgame

Oh, wow! Hello, Izzy? Yeah, it's me, it's me. Listen, get me a quotation for gold on the Paris market. Yeah, now and hurry it up! How much more where this came from?

Kelly

Fourteen thousand bars.

Crapgame

Fourteen thousand bars! Fourteen thousand bars! Fourteen thousand! Oh, wow, wow! Hey, sweetheart, have yourself a bottle of booze, you're beautiful! That's beautiful! Where is it?

Kelly

In a bank.

Crapgame

In a bank? You're getting pretty ambitious, aren't you? You think you could blow a bank and get away with it?

Kelly

It's behind enemy lines.

Crapgame

Behind enemy lines. [realizes] That could be the perfect crime.

Yeah, just a few little things, Kelly. According to this map, we got a river to cross before we get into this town of yours.

Kelly

Well, there's a bridge right here, six miles out.

There was a bridge. The Air Corps knocked every bridge out of that river months ago.

Kelly

Uh-uh, intelligence reports the Air Corps knocking 'em out by day and the Germans rebuilding 'em at night. Now, all we have to do is be there tomorrow morning at dawn and we got ourselves a bridge.

Oh! Well, how about the German Army? Do you think they'd mind us crossing their bridge there, eh, Kelly?

Kelly

Probably.

You know something, Kelly? I think you're crazy. Better yet, I think I'm crazy! How the hell I ever let you talk the guys into this?! Push 30 miles behind enemy lines, take a bridge held by the Germans and then go into a town we don't know how many German soldiers are guarding!

Kelly

Well, I figure there's between 30 and 40 troops in that town.

All right, how'd you figure that?

Kelly

Well, it's of no military importance, it's not big enough for a garrison-

You still didn't answer the question! How'd you figure 30 or 40 men?

Kelly

Because that's the normal amount of support for three Tiger tanks.

Tigers? Where'd the hell the Tigers come from?!

Kelly

Well, that's why we have Oddball and his Shermans.

Does he know about the Tigers?

Kelly

Not yet, no.

You bet your sweet ass he doesn't, or he'd be still on that funny-farm of his! He may be nuts, but he's not crazy enough to put Shermans up against Tigers! You know once those things get rolling, they'll blow that whole town to pieces, including us, Kelly!

Kelly

Oh, you're too smart to let that happen, Joe.

Oh, wow...

Kelly

You'll figure us a way in and out of that town, and I know you've got a good head for tactics.

Yeah? And I intend to keep it right here on my shoulders, Kelly! With these Tigers, this operation goes above and beyond the call of duty!

Kelly

Well, what do you think, Oddball?

Oddball

It's a wasted trip, baby. Nobody said nothing about locking horns with no Tigers.

Hey look, you just keep them Tigers busy and we'll take care of the rest.

Oddball

The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to let them shoot holes in me!

Lieutenant Kelly

We just want you to keep them interested for a while, that's all.

Oh, man! You guys are crazy! When we was in the bocage country, we was assaulted by them Tigers! You know what I mean by "assaulted"? Well, I mean assaulted!

Oddball

Why don't you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don't you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don't you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?

Crap!

Lieutenant Kelly

All right, so it's a beautiful day. Now, let's get down to cases. The Tiger is an open-country tank. We happen to have these and a small town with narrow streets. And we do have the element of surprise.

Oddball

Look, Kelly, a Tiger has only one weak point. That's its ass. You've got to hit it point blank and you've got to hit it from behind. Now we do not have the element of surprise. They will hear our Detroit motors long before we ever even get inside that town.

Lieutenant Kelly

What if I can show you a way to get into that town so they don't hear you?

Crapgame

Hey, Oddball, this is your hour of glory. And you're chickening out!

Oddball

To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich! Not some nut who takes on three Tigers.

Kelly

Nobody's asking you to be a hero.

Oddball

No? Then you sit up in that turret, baby.

Kelly

No, because you're gonna be up there, baby, and I'll be right outside showing you which way to go.

Oddball

Yeah?

Kelly

Yeah.

Oddball

Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!

Hey, this guy in the Tiger? Least we can do is get on the radio and talk to 'im.

Oddball

Are you crazy? That guy's gotta be a full fanatic freak! Otherwise he would a split outta this town twenty minutes ago!

Hey, look, all he's doing is guarding the bank like he was told.

Kelly

Maybe. But I wonder if he even knows what's in it.

Cigarette?

No smoke. The fuel system is rotten. We have gasoline all over the place.

S'all right. Hey, look, Max, you and us we're just soldiers, right? We don't even know what this war's all about. All we do is we fight and we die and for what? We don't get anything out of it. Now, in about half an hour, the whole American Army's gonna be coming down that road. So why don't you do yourself a big fat favor, huh? And get the hell outta here?

I have orders. This bank isn't to fall into the hands of the American Army.

Lieutenant Kelly

Sergeant, this bank's not gonna fall into the hands of the American Army. It's gonna fall into our hands. You see, we're just a private enterprise operation.

You- the American Army.

Oddball

No, baby, we ain't. You know what's inside that bank, man? There's 16 million dollars' worth of gold in that bank, sweetheart.

That's about 65 million Marks.

Kelly

And Sergeant, all you have to do to have an equal share of this money, is to crank this turret around and blow a hole in that door.