Woody Harrelson movie quotes

View Quote If the First Amendment will protect a scumbag like me, it will protect all of you.

View Quote If you don't like Hustler magazine, don't read it.

View Quote [to Alan] You don't want to quit me, I'm your dream client: I'm the most fun, I'm rich, and I'm always in trouble.

View Quote [about Columbus, after seeing him kiss Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit ****.

View Quote There's a box of Twinkies in that Grocery Store. Not just any Twinkies, the last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date, and Someday soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go...empty.

View Quote My momma always told me someday you'll be good at somethin'. Who'd have guessed that somethin' would be zombie killin'?

View Quote Another brick! 'Clang, Clang!' I need like a welding torch to play in this league. I'll tell you what: why don't we take all these bricks and build a shelter for the homeless, so maybe your mother will have a place to stay. And your sister too. I want your mother and your sister out of my place immediately!

View Quote A white man wants to win first, look good second. A black man wants to look good first, win second.

View Quote You're too pretty to play basketball, you know that? You got that Z in your 'fro! Hey man, what are you, the Black Zorro?

View Quote Haymitch: They're back.
...
Katniss: Gale! Are you okay? What? What is it?
Gale: I don't get it. Every gun was back online and on us and we flew right past them. They let us go. He's in there. The gas we used on the guards knocked him out, too, but it's wearing off now. You should be there when he wakes up.

View Quote [After rebel leaders watch a propaganda clip of Katniss] Madame President, indulge me for a moment, if you would. Let's everybody think of one incident where Katniss Everdeen genuinely moved you. Not where you were jealous of her hairstyle or her dress went up in flames or she made a halfway decent shot with an arrow. And not where Peeta made you like her. No, I'd like you all to think of a one moment where she made you feel something real.

View Quote Effie: [In response to Haymitch after the rebel leaders watch a propaganda clip of Katniss] When she volunteered her sister at the Reaping.
Haymitch: Excellent example. [Wiping off information of a electronic touch screen] Okay. I hope that wasn't important. Okay. "Volunteer for sister". [Writing a note] Good. What else?
Effie: When she sang that song for little Rue.
Haymitch: Oh, yeah. Who didn't get choked up at that? You know, I like you better, Effie, without all that makeup.
Effie: Well, I like you better sober.
Haymitch: When she chose Rue as an ally as well.
Effie: Yes.
Haymitch: Now, what do all of these have in common?
Gale: No one told what to do.
Beetee: Unscripted, yes. So maybe we should just leave her alone.
Boggs: And wash her face. She's still a girl. You made her look 35.
Plutarch: The opportunities for spontaneity are obviously lacking underground. So what you're suggesting is we toss her into combat?
President Alma: I can't sanction putting an untrained civilian in battle just for effect. This is not the Capitol.
Haymitch: That is exactly what I'm suggesting. Put her in the field.
President Alma: No, we can't protect her.
Haymitch: It has to come from her. That's what people respond to. You want a symbol for the revolution? She cannot be coached into it. Trust me, I know. Maybe there's someplace less dangerous.
Beetee: District 8. They reported heavy bombing last month. There are no military targets left.
President Alma: We can't guarantee her safety.
Katniss: You'll never be able to guarantee my safety. I wanna go.
President Alma: And if you're killed?
Katniss: Make sure you get it on camera. [Plutarch scoffs]

View Quote Men are the ones that try harder to keep it together. They also can hurt you.

View Quote All I ever wanted was to get shot at. Is that too much to ask for, on the battlefield? A battle?

View Quote [walking to deliver the news to a wife that her husband has died] It could be worse. It could be Christmas.

View Quote Reggie: Well, I guess this is good-bye.
Jake: No, Reggie. Good-byes are just hello’s, carried across the wind until our paths... intersect once again.
Reggie: That's beautiful… and confusing.

View Quote [STEVE returns as quickly as he left]
Reggie: Jake, what happened? You were only were gone like a second.
Jake: Actually, I've been gone for years. Have you heard about the turducken?
[Reggie and Jenny share a look of shock]
Chicken: BAWK!
Duck: QUACK!

View Quote Jake: [sternly] Whatever you do, do not make a sound. [removes the bag from Reggie to see him]
Reggie: [screams to see Jake as Jake shuts his beak]
Jake: Shh... I'm Jake from the TFF. That's Turkey Freedom Front. You've just been recruited for a top-secret mission.
[Reggie gives Jake a confused stare for a second]
Reggie: Ah! [runs off back to Camp David with Jake watching him] Help! I've been kidnapped by a wild turkey! Security, set tasers to kill! [Jake uses his own wing to stop Reggie, flinging him into the air] Ah! [Jake grabs the TV remote, as Reggie lands on his back] Oh. [2 security officers hears this from the distance]
Security Guard: What was that? [looks around at the woods with flashlight, as Jake is stealthily hides behind a tree, the security head back inside]
Reggie: [groans in pain]
Jake: Love your enthusiasm, comrade. [grabs Reggie and pins on a tree] But you're running in the wrong direction. Besides, we're already behind schedule.
Reggie: [confused] We're behind schedule?
Jake: We are? Why didn't you say so? [grabs Reggie] Let's move!
Reggie: Look, I think you have me confused with somebody else. I'm not part of any mission.
Jake: Horizon seems clear. Hold on.
Reggie: Hey, wait! That's me! This is the pardoned turkey. Help me!
Jake: A strange rogue turkey. Stay back. I'll take him out. [ ]
Reggie: Please don't hurt me.
Jake: I don't know who you are but you're seriously jeopardizing this operation.
Reggie: Are you insane? It's me. [brief moment of silence]
Jake: Is it? Is it really?
Reggie: Would you get off me?! [ ] You know what? I'm sick of you throwing me around. [draws a line in the dirt with his sharp toe nail & points at with his feathered finger] You see this line? Do not come into my personal- [Jake slaps him in the face] Did you not see the line? 'Cause I was pretty clear that it's right- [Jake slaps his face 3 more times]
Jake: Snap out of it, Reggie.
Reggie: [shocked & confused] Wait, how do you know my name?
Jake: Because he told me everything about you.
Reggie: He? Who is he?
Jake: The Great Turkey. He appeared in the sky on a bright ball of light with a voice that came from everywhere. He gave me my mission, told me I needed to find you. And then, he gave me... this. [revealing a shiny golden doorknob in his wing to Reggie]
Reggie: A doorknob?
Jake: The Sacred Time Knob.
Reggie: This guy is a lunatic.
Jake: That secret military base should be right up ahead. [ ] The facility should be in here. Just need to figure out how to get past this impenetrable gate. [Reggie sarcastically unlocks the gate with his feathered finger as Jake kicks the gate open, shoves Reggie in] So, this is what it looks like on the inside.
Reggie: Okay, what's inside this secret base, anyway? [bumps into Jake as he turns around to Reggie]
Jake: A time machine. [thunder and lightning comes out]
Reggie: A time machine?
Jake: A time machine. [thunder and lightning comes out again]
Reggie: A time machine.
Jake: A time- [thunder and lightning comes out, but stops as Jake realizes] What? Who told you that?
Reggie: You did, just now.
Jake: Of course, I did. I was testing you.
Reggie: Uhhh...
Jake: That's our mission. Not even to safe ten turkeys or even a hundred, but all of them. We're going back in time to the First Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu. [turns to probably break the fourth wall] That's right, we're going back in time to the First Thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu. [Reggie leans to Jake]
Reggie: Who are you talking to?
Jake: This guy right here. [points at his reflection on a hubcap tire of a military Jeep, Reggie frowns at him] He totally gets it. Look, look, see how he's nodding?

View Quote A work ethic. I love it! That is why this country is still number one. Well, behind Germany and France and Belgium and Japan and China. Thank God for Bangladesh!

View Quote [repeated line] Still not gay?

View Quote Dylan: I'm supposed to meet up with Jamie.
Tommy: Who's that? That headhunter?
Dylan: Uh-huh.
Tommy: What, you guys going out now?
Dylan: No, no, no, we're just friends. We're... messing around a little bit.
Tommy: What do you mean?
Dylan: Sleeping together. But it's just sex.
Tommy: That never works, bro. She's a girl. Sex always means more to them even if they don't admit it.
Dylan: Jamie's different.
Tommy: Does she have a penis where most girls have a vagina?
Dylan: No penis.
Tommy: Then she's no different.

View Quote Heard about a job. Big shot gangster, putting together a crew.

View Quote If you come with us, you're in this life for good.

View Quote Let me give you some advice. Assume everyone will betray you, and you will never be disappointed.

View Quote Wow. I actually was writing my own suicide note just now. “I have 32 fleeting minutes of happiness during lunch, which has been eaten up again and again by the same especially badly dressed student, and I finally thought I would rather have the dark nothingness. It sounds so relaxing. Have a nice life without me, ****ers.”

View Quote Life's about taking risks. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there.

View Quote Nadine: Hey.
Mr. Bruner: Busy.
Nadine: I don't wanna take up a ton of your time, but I'm gonna kill myself. I just thought an adult should know.

View Quote [in a letter] Dear Mildred, Dead Man Willoughby here. Firstly, I wanted to apologize for dyin' without catchin' your daughter's killer. It's a source of great pain to me and it would break my heart to think you thought I didn't care. 'Cause I did care. There are just some cases, where you never catch a break. Then 5 years down the line, some guy hears some other guy braggin' about it in a barroom or a jail cell. The whole thing is wrapped up through sheer stupidity. I hope that might be true for Angela, I really do. Second, I got to admit Mildred, the billboards were a great **** idea. They were like a chess move. And although they had absolutely nothing to do with my dyin'... I will assume almost everyone in town will assume that they did. Which is why, for Willoughby's counter-move, I decided to pay the next month's rent on 'em. I thought it'd be funny, you having to defend them a whooole 'nother month after they've stuck me in the ground. The joke is on you Mildred. Ha ha, and I hope they do not kill you. So good luck with all that, and good luck with everything else too. I hope and I pray that you get him.

View Quote Geoffrey: I just wanted to say, there's a lot of good friends of Bill Willoughby in this town, Ms. Hayes...
[Mildred grabs the dentist drill Geoffrey is holding and drills a hole into his right thumbnail]
Geoffrey: Goddamn it!
Mildred Hayes: Then why don't you tell those good friends of Bill Willoughby to tell him to go do his **** job, fat boy.
...
Willoughby: Hey there Mildred! You didn't happen to pay a visit to the dentist today, did you?
Mildred Hayes: [her mouth still numb] No.
Willoughby: Uh?
Mildred Hayes: I said "no".
Willoughby: Oh, so it wasn't you who drilled a little hole in one of big fat Geoffrey's big fat thumbnails, no?
Mildred Hayes: Of course not.
Willoughby: Huh?
Mildred Hayes: I said, "Of course not".
Denise: You drilled a hole in the dentist?
Mildred Hayes: Denise, no, I didn't.
Willoughby: Well, I thought it was kind of funny myself, but he wants to press charges, so we're gonna have to bring you in, I'm afraid.

View Quote Dixon: What's the matter with you, saying that goddamn stuff on TV?... My momma watches that station.
Mildred Hayes: She doesn't know about the torturing?
Dixon: No. She's against that kinda thing.
Willoughby: Who's against what?
Dixon: My momma is against persons-of-color-torturing. She said ****-torturing. I said, You can't say ****-torturing no more. You gotta say persons-of-color-torturing. Isn't that right, Chief?

View Quote Nobody ever wins the Games. Period. There are survivors. There's no winners.

View Quote [Commander Romulus Thread is whipping Gale Hawthorne in the town square for poaching when Katniss intervenes.]
Romulus Thread: Move. [raises his whip] You want another?
Katniss Everdeen: Go ahead.
[Thread shifts the whip to his left hand and draws his sidearm with his right]
Haymitch Abernathy: [hurrying in between them] Whoah, whoah, whoah!
Romulus Thread: [aims at Haymitch] Get out of my way!
Haymitch Abernathy: Y-you don't wanna shoot her.
Romulus Thread: How 'bout I shoot both of ya?
Haymitch Abernathy: Look, Commander, you're new here. Trust me, I'm trying to help. I'm Haymitch. You recognize her? Katniss Everdeen? Darling of the Capitol?
Romulus Thread: She interfered with a Peacekeeper.
Haymitch Abernathy: I never said she was smart! Look, I- you already got a couple of lashes in-
Romulus Thread: That's not good enough; she's an agitator! [jerks his pistol to the right as Peeta approaches him]
Peeta Mellark: Easy. Easy.
Haymitch Abernathy: Look, you sure Snow wants three dead Victors here? Cause that's what we're looking at. It's bad enough that you marked up her face on the eve of the big wedding. Let it go. And we will, too.
[After a few seconds, Thread holsters his weapon.]
Romulus Thread: All right. Okay. But next time, it's the firing squad.
Haymitch Abernathy: Excellent idea.
Romulus Thread: I don't care who she is. [shouting angrily] Clear the square! [turns to the crowd, still shouts] You’re all under curfew! Anyone out after dark will be shot on sight! [turns back to Haymitch] Get 'em outta here.

View Quote Haymitch Abernathy: [points to a TV] Cashmere and Gloss, brother and sister, District 1. They won back-to-back games, Capitol favorites, lots of sponsors, they will be lethal.[TV changes] and the other half of the career pack, Brutus and Enobaria.
Katniss Everdeen: What's with her teeth?
Haymitch Abernathy: She had them filed into fangs so she could rip people's throats out.
Peeta Mellark: She's committed, I'll give her that.
Haymitch Abernathy: [TV changes] Wiress and Beetee. Not fighters, but brilliant. And weird. Real tech-savvy. He won his games by electrocuting six tributes at once. [TV changes] The Morphlings, masters of camouflage. They won their games by hiding until everyone was dead. Self medicating ever since, which I applaud; not a threat. [TV changes to Finnick Odair]
Katniss Everdeen: Finnick Odair, right?
Haymitch Abernathy: Yes he won his games at 14, youngest ever. Extremely humble.
Katniss Everdeen: You're kidding.
Haymitch Abernathy: Yes I'm kidding, he's a peacock. A total preener. But he's the Capitol darling, they love him here. Charming, smart, and very skilled in combat, especially in water.
Peeta Mellark: Any weaknesses?
Haymitch Abernathy: One. Mags. She volunteered for Annie. Mags was his mentor and basically raised him. If he's trying to protect her in any way, it exposes him.
Katniss Everdeen: A guy like that should know she's not going to make it. I bet when it really comes down to it, he won't protect her.
Haymitch Abernathy: Well, Katniss, I hope when she goes, she goes quickly. She's actually a wonderful lady.

View Quote Who you calling psycho?!?!

View Quote The world can really kick your ass. I only have a VAGUE recollection of when it wasn't kickin' mine.

View Quote Take that, you freaky piece of shit. You don't mow another guy's lawn.

View Quote [Jackie is lying in a dumpster] Ed Monix: Jackie, what are you eating?
Jackie: I think it's a pancake...
Monix: Oh come on now Jackie, that's been there a while, hasn't it?
Jackie: Probably....

View Quote Monix: Vakidis, open the window, will ya?
Vakidis: Yes, right on! (does nothing)
Monix: Vakidis, did you give Bobby Dee a handjob?
Vakidis: Yes, right on!

View Quote Jackie: There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.
Clarence Coffee Black: So what's the plan?
Jackie: Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on Tv.
Bee Bee Ellis: What the hell is that?
Jackie: It's eyeliner dummy. Now who's first? Monix?
Monix: Oh, yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.

View Quote The Colonel: All of human history has lead to this moment. The irony is we created you. And nature has been punishing us ever since. This is our last stand. And if we lose... it will be a Planet of Apes.

View Quote The Colonel: Grant...and Lee. Wellington...and Napoleon. Custer and Sitting Bull... You're probably not much of a reader, but this is a big moment. Where were you? We came upon your herd. We got lucky. I was surprised you weren't with them.
[Caesar charges menacingly toward him -- but is instantly yanked back hard. Preacher levels his crossbow.]
Preacher: Hey! Hey! Hey!
[Caesar reaches for his throat to discover his wrists are shackled and his neck is chained by a neck collar... Writhing, he turns to see Red cruelly gripping the end of the chain.]
The Colonel: I hope you don't come to regret sparing his life. He's quite a good shot. Have you finally come to save your apes?
Caesar: I came for you.
The Colonel: For me? Who did I kill that night?
Caesar: My wife. My son.
The Colonel: I'm sorry. I was there for you. My God. Look at your eyes. Almost human.

View Quote Caesar: I think you have no mercy.
The Colonel: You came here to kill me. Were you going to show me mercy?
Caesar: I showed you mercy when I spared your men. I offered you peace and you killed my family.
The Colonel: Mercy. Do you have any idea what your mercy would do to us? You're much stronger than we are. You're smart as hell. No matter what you say, you'd eventually replace us. That's the law of Nature. The irony is, we created you. We tried to defy Nature, bend it to our will. Nature has been punishing us for our arrogance ever since. Ten months ago, I sent out recon units to look for your base. My own son was a soldier with one of the units. One day, he suddenly stopped speaking. He became primitive, like an animal. They contacted me and said that they thought he'd lost his mind, that the war was too much for him. Then the man who cared for him stopped speaking too. Their medic had a theory, before he stopped speaking, that the virus that almost wiped us out, the virus that every human survivor still carries, had suddenly changed. Mutated. And that, if it spread, it would destroy humanity for good this time. Not by killing us, but by robbing us of those things that make us human. Our speech, our higher thinking. It would turn us into beasts. You talk about mercy? What would you have done? It was a moment of clarity for me. I realized that I would have to sacrifice my only son, so that humanity could be saved. I held that gun in my hand for a long time... And I pointed it at my only child. He looked at me with trust in his eyes. Even in his primitive gaze, I felt his... love. I pulled the trigger. It purified me. It made my purpose clear. I gave orders to kill the others infected, all of them. Burn their belongings, anything that might spread contamination. Some of the men questioned my judgment. I was asking them to do what I had done, to sacrifice their friends, their family. Of course, they refused. I had them killed too. Others with children deserted into the woods. One of those cowards fled to my superiors up north. They tried to convince me that this plague could be dealt with medically. Thats when I realized that they had learned nothing from our past.
Caesar: You killed them too?
The Colonel: What did I do, Preacher?
Preacher: You severed their heads, sir.
The Colonel: Except for the one I spared so he could return and deliver a message. If they wanted to relieve me of my command, they'd have to meet me here, and do it themselves. This used to be a weapons depot. They turned it into a relocation camp when the crisis was just beginning. But the weapons are all still here, inside the mountain.
Caesar: How many men will be coming?
The Colonel: Probably all of them. But don't get any ideas, the only thing they fear more than me is you apes. This is a holy war. All of human history has led to this moment. If we lose, we'll be the last of our kind. It will be a planet of apes, and we'II become your cattle. Look at you. You think I am sick, don't you? I didn't mean to kill your son. But if his destiny was to inherit your unholy kingdom... I am glad I did.
[Caesar lashes, only to be restrained]
The Colonel: So emotional! I see how conflicted you are. You are confused in your purpose. You're angry at me for something I did that was an act of war. But you're taking this all much far too personally. What do you think my men would have done to your apes, if you had killed me? Or is killing me more important?

View Quote [broadcasting live as the Yellowstone Caldera is about to erupt] This marks the last day of the United States of America. And, by tomorrow, all of mankind. And we will be visible from the Milky Way as a tiny little puff of smoke. I'm watching the earth crumble before my eyes. The giant ash cloud created by this super-volcano will first envelop Vegas and then St. Louis and then Chicago and then, at long last, Washington, D.C. will have its lights go out! [sees Yellowstone Caldera explode] I have goose bumps, people! [slightly thrown back by shockwave] I wish you could see what I'm seeing, people! I wish you could be here with me! Oh, baby... bring it on! Always remember, folks: [spreads out arms] you heard it first from Charlie!!!! [is hit by a massive rock and killed]