Nick Offerman movie quotes

View Quote Gertie: Look at that! I got an egg. How many eggs did you poach, little brother?
Roger: Do we have to steal other creatures' eggs? I mean, couldn't we just go vegan?
Gertie: Sure, we could eat vegans.
Gavin: Whoops! Oh-oh-oh! Son, sometimes I wonder how you snuck into this family.
Buck: '[singibg] ♪Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro♪ [spoken] With you in a minute. I'll have to rinse and repeat.
Gavin: That weasel is such a buzzkill. Let's go, kids.
Buck: Don't worry, ma'am. I'll catch the crew that poached your egg. It's a pun! I'm winking under the eye patch. [singing] ♪A mother is crying.♪ ♪A damsel in distress.♪ ♪Foreboding intruders have made such a mess.♪ ♪What I detect is a lack of respect?♪ ♪For all that is precious and dear.♪ ♪I am the pint-sized protector of this lost world.♪ [spoken] But my friends call me Buck. Well played, guys. [singing] ♪I have a message, bullies not welcome.♪ ♪Return what you've stolen.♪ ♪Go back where you came from.♪ ♪You know I'm greater, so don't be a hater.♪ ♪You may be Jurassic, but I am fantastic.♪ [singing] ♪Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Figaro Figaro♪ [spoken] Oh, love that bit. [singing] ♪Running and climbing, and spinning and grinning.♪ ♪And dashing and diving and dodging.♪ ♪And sliding and gliding, and staying alive.♪ ♪And these are a few of the things.♪ ♪That I do before lunch.♪ ♪Death-defying.♪ ♪Danger denying.♪ ♪Look, I'm flying.♪ ♪You might think I'm mad.♪ ♪But, hey, you only live once.♪ ♪No need to thank me.♪ ♪But if you insist, I won't resist.♪ ♪Who smells like fish?♪ Hold on to your butts! [singing] ♪Class Dis...♪ ♪...missed!!!♪ Good egg. Here you are, my lady. Go! I'll lead them away. Oh, that was fun! Same time, same place, next week? Toodles!
Gavin: Congratulations, weasel. You just signed your death warrant.
Buck: Weaseled my way out of that one. Hmm. What's all that flash and dazzle about? Who puts a rock in the middle of the jungle? Ha! Blimey! What is this place? Whoops!

View Quote Manny: Uh...Hello?
Sid: [screams]
Manny: [gasps]
Buck: Oh! Hello, mammals.
Eddie: Hi, Buck!
Buck: Hi.
Crash: Bye, Buck!
Buck: Um, a little help.
Manny: [grunting]
Buck: Right on the spleen! Utterly useless, but totally hurts.
Diego: [laughs] Hey, Buck. Welcome back, buddy.
Shira: Wait. This half-a-snack is the dinosaur whisperer?
Buck: And expert salsa dancer. [scats] Whoo! I have one eye but all my original teeth. Would you like to count them? [shows his teeth] Ah...
Shira: No, thank you.
Buck: And this must be Nectarine.
Peaches: Um... Peaches.
Buck: Semantics, my dear. I am deeply honored.
Julian: Sweet eye patch. Very gangsta.
Buck: Thank you. [to Peaches] I like this kid.
Manny: Buck. What are you doing here?
Buck: Well, I... [stops to stare at Stump for a moment then zips close to it] What? I'm trying! But how do you tell someone they're doomed? [to the mammals] He's stumped.
Manny: We're not doomed, Buck. It was just a meteor shower, and the show's over.
Buck: [hops close to Manny's face] Oh, quite the contrary, old chap. It's just beginning. You see, I found a prophecy.
[?]
[Crash & Eddie keep drumming all the time until Manny takes the drum sticks away, much to their disbelief]
Manny: Do you mind?
Crash: Boy, he really sucks the fun out of everything. Doesn't he?
Eddie: Fun sucker!
Buck: I read this tablet front to back. And the story it tells is very disturbing. Every hundred million years or so, the world gets a cosmic cleansing. Before the dinosaurs, there were these horseshoe crab-looking thingies. Ugh! Yuck. Then, at the bottom of this mountain range, an asteroid hit. Boom! Bye-bye. Next, dinosaurs, mountain range, asteroid. Boom! Bye-bye. And coming up next, mammals. Mountain range, asteroid, boom! Bye-bye.
Eddie: [chuckles] Stupid mammals.
Crash: That's us.
Buck: Yep, and there she is. The mother of all asteroids screaming towards us. Even going underground won't save us this time.
Diego: Hey, that wasn't there before. And look what it's doing to the sky.
Buck: No worries. Because I've got a plan.
Manny: Really? To stop an asteroid?
Buck: [shows the tablets on the prophecy] Look, the last two asteroids have pummeled the Earth in the same spot. And it's about to happen again. We've got to go there and see what's attracting the asteroid. Once we know why it's coming, we can figure out how to send it somewhere else.
Granny: That plan is so dumb, I wish it had a face so I could smack it.
Manny: Let me get this straight. Instead of running away from a deadly asteroid, you want us to run directly towards it?
Buck: I know it sounds suboptimal, but the good news is it'll kill us no matter where we went. Well, that's reassuring.
Manny: Okay, but even if we get to the crash site, how are we supposed to change what is literally written in stone?
Buck: Ah, my cynical friend. The dinos were wiped off the face of the Earth, but some escaped. They changed their fate, and we can change ours, too. Who's with me?
[the Herd all look at each other, then quickly huddle in]
Manny: So, what do you think?
Ellie: Honestly, I'm worried the weasel's right.
Buck: [in high-pitched voice] No! Don't listen to the weasel. He's a raving loon! [in normal voice] Sorry. I just love playing devil's advocate. And looking fabulous!
Diego: Well, Buck has saved our lives before, right?
Shira: But what if he can't this time?
Peaches: I don't know what to believe. But I'm afraid our lives will be over before they begin.
Manny: Okay. I guess we're in.
Crash and Eddie: [salute in unison chorus.] Crash and Eddie reporting for duty.
Eddie: [laughs] Doody. [he and Crash laugh]
Buck: Excellent! And dirty word processed. Now, we better get on the road because time till impact is roughly...2 days, 4 hours, 1 minute and 16 seconds. 15 seconds, 14 seconds...
Diego: I think we get it.
Manny: I think we're all gonna get it.
Julian: Whoo! We look so cool. Whoa!
Granny: Ugh. What is this stuff?
[???]
Gertie: [roaring] Where is he? When I am through with that one-eyed weasel...he's going to need two eye patches.
Gavin: I admire your bloodthirstitude, Gertie. But you heard them. An asteroid is coming. This changes things.
Roger: Holy freezballs! It's freezing up here. Parts are retracting into other parts.
Gertie: Would you please stop acting like a parakeet?
Gavin: It's a good thing you got your mother's eyes... or you'd be totally useless.
Roger: Well, that's just hurtful. '[screams]
Gavin: What do you see?
Roger: [sighs] Nothing. Nothing. Deadly asteroid screaming towards Earth. Wait! There he is. That's too bad. He is really far away. Probably too far to reach by flight. [snaps his fingers] Oh, well. Let's just go home.
Gavin: We are not retreating! Until that weasel came along, our family made an honest living stealing dino eggs.
Roger: An honest living. Stealing. Kind of ironic, don't you think? Besides, why take out the weasel if the asteroid is just gonna take us out?
Gavin: So much sight. So little vision. If we stop the weasel and his friends from diverting the asteroid... Kablooie! It kills the weasel and everyone else... while we glide safely above it all. It'll be our paradise.
Roger: That's seems highly implausible. Just from a scientific standpoint. [Gavin and Gertie growl and glare at him.] Fine. It's a great plan. Dynamite! One of the top three or four species annihilation plans I've ever heard.
Gavin: That's better. Now let's make sure that asteroid hits.
Roger: Why can't we just fear the apocalypse like a normal family?

View Quote Gavin: All right, kids. [laughs] Let's have some fun.
Buck: Okay, everyone. Follow the trail. Never leave the trail. Okay, everyone. Leave the trail. Into the forest. Chop, chop.
Shira: But you just said...
Buck: You know I'm crazy. Come on. [Gavin flies and sees, then lets out a roar and is about to lunge at Buck. Buck jumps so high and freezes the forest.] I love the shade. Don't you?
Gavin: Well played, weasel. Stay sharp, kids. They can't hide forever.

View Quote Dick McDonald: A hothead like that, you don't know what he's capable of.
Mac McDonald: It's all bluster, Dick. His bark is worse than his bite.
Dick McDonald: That's what Neville Chamberlain said.

View Quote Ray Kroc: Let me explain something to you, Dick... You boys have full say over what goes on inside the restaurants. But outside, above, below... your authority stops at the door. And at the floor. All right?
Mac McDonald: What is he saying?
Dick McDonald: He's buying the land.
Mac McDonald: Our land?

View Quote Mac McDonald: [telling Kroc the story behind starting McDonald's] Well, we were young and hungry. There wasn't a job to be had in all of New Hampshire, so we decided to pack our bags and head west, to Hollywood. I wanted to be in the movie business, and Dick, well, he wanted to be...
Dick McDonald: Employed.
Mac McDonald: So, we landed jobs at Columbia Pictures, driving trucks.
Ray Kroc: Huh.
Mac McDonald: And after a few years, we've had enough saved to buy our own little piece of show business-a beautiful little movie theatre in Glendora, which would've been swell-except for the timing: it was September of '29.
Ray Kroc: [cringes] Oooh.
Mac McDonald: One minute, we're screening The Gold Diggers of Broadway, and the next it's "Brother, can you spare a dime?"
Dick McDonald: I couldn't.

View Quote Later, he'll lose his grip on the difference between waking and sleeping, and enter a land of pain so great he will wonder why God made the world. What he will remember, occasionally, is how he stopped and dropped his briefcase and began to move his hips to the beat of the drums. And he will think, that is why God made the world.