Gayle
Oh, and F.Y.I., you're playing on this girl's court now, okay? So you're playing by her rules.
Wheeler
Are you the coach?
Gayle
I am the coach. I'm the coach and I'm the point guard, I'm the two forwards, the center, and I'm the other guard. I'm the entire organization.
Gayle
Language, Ronnie!
Ronnie
My language is English and this mother****er tried to grab my hang-dang.
Gayle
I know why you're here, so don't BS a BSer, Ok? Your "Presence" here, court ordered.
Danny
Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren't here?
Laurie Bohner
I learned to play the ukulele in one of my last films, "Not-So-Tiny Tim".
Laurie Bohner
Terry and I worship an unconventional deity. The power of another dimension. Now you are not going to read about this dimension in a book or a magazine because it exists nowhere... but in my own mind. Through our ceremonies and rituals we have witnessed the awesome and vibratory power... of color.
Laurie Bohner
We are Winc. W-I-N-C. Witches In Nature's Colors
Brogan
Where's Fiona's signal?
Gretched
What she waiting for?
Cookie
He's going to get away!
Brogan
No, He's not.
Donkey
Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. [rushes up to plate] Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness!
Shrek
Donkey! [Points Donkey] Don't eat that! [Donkey stopped and frowned.] There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? [Donkey trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it.] I’m just... What are you...? Bad Donkey! Mustn't--I said, don’t! Don't! No! Get away from it! [Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles.] You did.
Donkey
Uh-oh.
Shrek
Look out!
Shrek
Donkey! Are you OK?
Donkey
I'm fine. [But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming.]
Shrek
Donkey. [leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to army crawl through it.]
Donkey
Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help!
[Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool, and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him.]
Watch your head.
Hey, it's a new guy!
Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest.
Gretched
He's really tiny, isn’t he?
Yeah.
Brogan
Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up!
Let's go, greenie.
Shrek
Now, wait a minute! [He was placed in an armored vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going.] Hey!
Brogan
Here you go.
Brogan
Welcome to the resistance.
Shrek
Resistance?
Brogan
We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! [He then held his nose and started blowing a horn-like sound through his ears, and then all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already.]
Shrek
I didn't know we could do that.
Donkey
Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange! I'm poisonous! I'm all poi...
Shrek
I'll take him! This order's to go.
Cookie
Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet.
Shrek
Trust me, you don't wanna eat this one.
Donkey
I go down smooth, but come out fighting!
Shrek
Let go!
Cookie
Don't make Papa mad.
Shrek
Your dinner is my friend!
Brogan
Come on, guys!
Cookie
I got to get the giblets out!
She's back. [Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad in a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet and revealed herself to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flair. When Shrek saw her, he grinned with such relief.]
Shrek
Fiona! [hands axe to one of the ogres, begins running up to her, Fiona spots him] I'm so happy I found you!
Princess Fiona
Maybe you missed orientation, [her helmet to Brogan.] but for future reference, personal space is very important to me.
Shrek
You don't know who I am, do you?
Princess Fiona
No. [to Brogan] Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. [Brogan agreed]
Shrek
Fiona.
Princess Fiona
Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight.
Shrek
I need to talk to you.
Princess Fiona
What is it?!
Shrek
OK, I know you don’t remember me, but... we’re married. [Needless to say, Fiona gave a confused look as he recapped the incident at the birthday party.] Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, [As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona.] and this boy kept saying, [as Butterpants] "Do the roar. Do the roar." Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. [Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey.] Right? Who’s with me?
Princess Fiona
Wow, [chuckles a bit] I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought.
Shrek
Fiona, I need to...
Princess Fiona
Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! [She and the other ogres [except Shrek] went to their battle stations.]
Shrek
Fiona!
Donkey
Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches!
Shrek
Come on, now.
[Some ogres quickly cut ropes to seal the large hiding holes and dropped sandbags to extinguish the fires. They secured weapons in a net and a few concealed themselves in a hole underground. Others, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, submerged in the swamp water, while Fiona, Brogan, and the remaining ogres, disguised with bushes, crouched around Shrek’s hiding spot. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey’s mouth as three witches flew overhead on broomsticks. The lead witch glanced down but saw no ogres or camp, then sneered and flew off to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they left, the ogres emerged from hiding and murmured as they returned to their posts.]
Brogan
Fiona, that's the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever.
Princess Fiona
Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to.
Donkey
That's your wife?
Shrek
That’s my wife.
Donkey
Well, I see who wears the chainmail in your family! [Shrek gave a weird look at him.]
Rumpelstiltskin
Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! [saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured.] That's not even an ogre; it is a troll! Nice try. [sees that Wolf was wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs.] And that...
Roar.
Rumpelstiltskin
...is just sad. [spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding.] And what is that supposed to be?
I'm just a frightened old man.
Pinocchio
Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty!
Rumpelstiltskin
That is your father painted green.
Pinocchio
No, it's Shrek! Honest! [his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making Rumpelstiltskin shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face.]
Rumpelstiltskin
Oh! Aye! Ow! [to a witch] Take them away! [Witch takes Pinocchio and Geppetto away. Rumpelstiltskin went to his table, frustrated] Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! [angrily pounded on the table in frustration] I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! [Then the door of the throne room slammed open]
Shrek
Stiltskin! [Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisle] I hear you're looking for me.
Rumpelstiltskin
All right! Finally! [calls out and looks around] Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime?
Shrek
I do.
Rumpelstiltskin
What?! But--
Shrek
If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. [He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped it in the magic ink jar] That means you have to give me anything I want.
Rumpelstiltskin
No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna [mimics walking] doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back--
Shrek
I'm not here to get my life back.
Rumpelstiltskin
Then what do you want?
Puss in Boots
The ogres, they're all free.
Donkey
But where's Shrek?
Puss in Boots
This is not good.
Rumpelstiltskin
I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. [mockingly] The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. [The witches trying to shackles Shrek with chains]
Shrek
All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe.
Rumpelstiltskin
Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. [He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out]
Shrek
Fiona!
Shrek
Stiltstkin, we have a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!
Rumpelstiltskin
Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, [slyly] is she? [He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly.] By day, one way; by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha-ha! [He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph and more triumphantly] Nobody's smart but me! [He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn, sad look]
Princess Fiona
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek
No, you were right. I wasn't there for you, and I'm not just at the dragon's keep, but... every day since.
Princess Fiona
Well, you're here now. [Long pause; Shrek grins at Princess Fiona]
Donkey
Let go of me; I have to save Shrek!
Gretched
DON'T BE A FOOL, MULE!
Brogan
She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard.
Cookie
And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches.
Hey! [The ogres, Donkey and Puss looks up at the two witches.] We can hear you!
Brogan
Sorry! [Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled.]
Puss in Boots
We must get into the palace.
Donkey
Man, Shrek and I just busted out of that place!
Brogan
But how?
Donkey
The same way we're gonna bust in.
