What could have possibly happened to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?
You really want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother.
Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing, with those burning red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that.
[sobbing]
No wonder you hate me! If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too!
Tweety Bird Oh, look! Piggies. This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef. This little piggy had...
Tweety Bird [Eddie screams as he falls down]
Uh-oh. Ran out of piggies.
BB Bugs Bunny
[Eddie is falling; Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, both wearing parachutes, join him]
Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumping without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it?
Mickey Mouse Yeah. You could get killed. Heh, heh.
Mickey Mouse Uh, Bugs does.
BB Bugs Bunny
Yeah, but I don't think you want it.
I do, I do, give it to me.
Mickey Mouse Gee, better let him have it, Bugs.
BB Bugs Bunny
Okay, Doc. Whatever you say. Here's the spare.
[Mickey and Bugs deploy parachutes; Eddie pulls ripcord on parachute, car tire comes out]
OH NO!! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!
Mickey Mouse Aw, poor fella.
BB Bugs Bunny
Yeah, ain't I a stinker?
(calliope begins playing "The Merry Go Round Broke Down")
Now Roger is his name/And laughter is his game/Come on you dope, untie his rope/And watch him go insane.
(does slapstick pratfalls to make the weasels laugh)
He's lost his mind.
This singing's not my line/It's tough to make a rhyme/If I get stuck, I'm out of luck--
(more pratfalls; weasels start dying of laughter)
Hey, Eddie, keep it up! You're killing 'em! You're slaying 'em! You're knocking 'em dead!
I'm through with taking falls/And bouncing off the walls/Without that gun I'd have some fun/I'd kick you in the-- *gets hit in head with vase*
Nose? That don't rhyme with walls!
No, but this does!
(kicks Smart Ass in the groin, sending him flying, screaming, into the Dip Mixer, which then dissolves him)
[After the weasels have searched Eddie and Jessica for the will, but have failed]
Do they have the will or not?
Nah, just a stupid love letter.
No matter. I doubt if that will is going to show up in the next 15 minutes, anyway.
What happens in the next 15 minutes?
Toontown will be legally mine - lock, stock, and barrel.
[Bongo the Gorilla spots Eddie for peeping through the keyhole of the door to Jessica Rabbit's dressing room at the Ink and Paint club.]
What do you think you're doing, chump?
Who are you callin' a chump, chimp?
[Bongo opens the door and throws the screaming Eddie out of the Ink and Paint club.]
And don't let me catch your peepin' face around here again! Got it? [closes the door]
M Marvin
Come, my dear, Jessica. Over here. I have everything ready. Right here, on the bed.
[tired out]
Oh, not tonight, Marvin. I have a headache.
M Marvin
Oh, Jessica, you promised.
Oh, all right. But this time, take off that hand buzzer.
[Eddie stands by the window and takes pictures of them playing patty-cake] [surprised]
You gotta be kidding me.
[In Maroon's office; Roger is crying after finding out Jessica playing patty-cake with Marvin Acme] [crying; struggles the window blinds]
Patty-cake! Patty-cake! I don't believe it! [heads to bang his head on his desk] Patty-cake! Patty-cake! Is that true?!
Take comfort, son. You're not the first man whose wife played patty cake on him.
[Maroon hands Roger his handkerchief, he uses it to blow his nose couple times. He hands it back dripping with water and Maroon hands it to Eddie.]
I just don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it. I shan't believe it!
[drops the wet handkerchief in the bin]
Believe it, kid. I took the pictures myself. She played patty cake.
[looks at couple pictures of Jessica and Marvin]
No... not my Jessica! Not patty cake. This is impossible. I don't believe it. It can't be. It just can't be. Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! [throws pictures into the air] Jessica's the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the cream in my coffee.
You better start drinking it black, 'cause Acme's taking the cream now.
Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my friend and neighbor for 30 years. Who would've thought he was a sugar daddy?
Somebody must have made her do it.
[hands Roger a glass of whiskey]
Now drink this, son. It'll make ya feel better.
[Roger takes a shot of the glass of whiskey. He turns a variety of different colors and his eyes bulge. He suddenly shoots into the air and emits a whistling sound so high pitched that it smashes all the glasses, saucers, picture frames and awards since 1923 in the room including the one held by Valiant and the glass awards on the shelves, broken lamp since 1912 and the bottle of beer. As the whistling dies down Roger collapses back into the seat and mutters...]
[drunkenly]
Thanks. I needed that.
[shakes the whiskey off of his hands]
Son of a bitch. Look, Mr. Maroon, I think my work here is finished. How about that carrot you owe me, huh?
A deal's a deal. [hands Eddie the check]
Roger. I know all this seems pretty painful now. But you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Valiant?
Yeah, sure. A good looking guy like that? [chuckles] The dames'll be breaking his door down.
[suddenly comes to life; angered]
Dames?! What dames?! [grabs Eddie by the collar] Jessica's the only one for me! You'll see! We'll rise above this pickling peccadillo! We're going to be happy again! You got that? Happy! Capital H-A-P-P-I!
[Roger crashes through the window, leaving a rabbit shaped hole in the glass and the blinds from smashing window.]
Well, at least he took it well.
[Eddie and Maroon stare dumbfounded out of the window the blinds crash down.] [while crying, looking at his pictures of him and Jessica; wedding, honeymoon and nightclub]
Oh, Jessica. Please tell me it's not true. P-p-p-please?
[Eddie is about to pick up the hand buzzer that fell off of Acme's corpse when Judge Doom stops him with his cane]
Is this man removing evidence from the scene of the crime?
Ah, no, Judge Doom. Valiant here was just picking it up for you. Weren't you, Eddie?
[zaps Doom with buzzer]
Their number one seller.
I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you.
I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for R.K. Maroon.
Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon. He said the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures. The rabbit swore one way or another he and his wife were going to be happy. Is that true?
Hey, pal. Do I look like a stenographer?
Shut your yap, Eddie. The man's a judge.
That's all right, Lieutenant. From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze talking.
[Eddie sees a babysitter, who is lighting a cigar for Baby Herman]
Uh... [runs to them] Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, wait a minute! Hey, hey!
S Sitter
I've been tryin' to make him quit, but he just won't listen to me.
What do you know, you dumb broad? You got the I.Q. of a rattle. You Valiant?
I wanna talk to you about the Acme murder. [to a woman] Hey, psst, doll. Why don't you run downstairs and get me a racin' form? [slaps sitter's butt]
S Sitter
Okay, okay, I'm going! [leaves]
My problem is, I've got a 50-year-old lust and a 3-year-old body.
Look, Valiant. The rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer. I should know. He's a dear friend of mine. I tell you, Valiant, the whole thing world's like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. [hands Valiant a newspaper for August 1947] The paper says Acme left no will. That's a load of succotash. Every toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us Toons. That will is the reason he got bumped off!
Has anybody ever seen this will?
Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.
[turns the baby carriage around]
If you believe that that joker could do anything solid, the gag's on you pal!
I just figured since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might want to help get him out. I can pay ya.
Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes! [angrily pushes the baby carriage forward, and rolls it down the hall]
Hey, no! Valiant, don't! [collides with the sitter, drops his cigar] Oh! My stogie! [looks down at his cigar, starts crying] WAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
[Eddie heads into his office, as Baby Herman continues crying.] [looks at the newspaper in his office]
It ain't not my fault the rabbit got himself in trouble. [drinks his whiskey] All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures. [notices the will is Marvin Acme is in the picture, gets out of the magnifying glass to investigate it] The baby was right. The hell with it.
