Eddie Valiant Here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning.
Most-quoted character in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988): in 55 of its 110 quotes
Most scenes with: Roger Rabbit (13), Judge Doom (9), Jessica Rabbit (8)
You keep talking like that, and I'm gonna have to wash your mouth out! [puts soap to Smart Ass's mouth]
More lines from Eddie Valiant
13 quotes Eddie Valiant Eddie Valiant Judge Doom: Surprised? [after Eddie realizes that Doom is a toon]
Eddie Valiant Eddie: Not really. That lame-brain freeway idea could only be cooked up by a toon.
[moves the street line towards a wall, Lena Hyena crashes into the wall] Toons. Gets 'em every time.
Eddie Valiant Scotch on the rocks. AND I MEAN ICE!
Eddie Valiant [After watching the newsreel]
That's it!! THAT'S the connection!!!
Eddie Valiant [to Roger as Doom tries his "Shave-and-a-haircut trick"]
I don't know who's toonier, you or Doom.
Eddie Valiant [After the Weasels have noisily machine-gunned their way into his office]
Hello, boys. Didn't hear you come in.
Eddie Valiant [A weasel tries to frisk Jessica too close to her cleavage, and gets his hand caught in a bear-trap hidden therein]
Nice booby-trap.
Eddie Valiant [After Smart Ass disagrees with the song lyrics]
No, but this does. [kicks Smart Ass to the dip mixer, killing him]
Eddie Valiant [After Doom is flattened]
Holy smoke, he's a toon!
Eddie Valiant [while seeing Jessica Rabbit and Marvin Acme playing patty-cake]
You gotta be kidding me.
Eddie Valiant [looks at the newspaper in his office]
It ain't my fault the rabbit got himself in trouble. [drinks his whiskey] All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures. [notices the will is Marvin Acme is in the picture, gets out of the magnifying glass to investigate it] The baby was right. The hell with it.
Eddie Valiant Does this answer your question?
Scenes with Eddie Valiant
41 scenes Eddie Valiant [Eddie gets $50 for a $100 job]
Where's the other fifty?
Let's call the other fifty a "carrot" to finish the job.
Eddie Valiant You've been hanging around rabbits too long.
How much do you know about show business, Mr. Valiant?
Eddie Valiant Only that there is no business like it, no business I know.
Yeah. And there's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You saw the rabbit blowing his lines. He can't keep his mind on his job. You know why?
Eddie Valiant One too many refrigerators dropped on his head?
Nah, he's a toon. You can drop anything you want on his head, he'll shake it off. But break his heart, goes to pieces just like you and me.
Kinda jumpy, aren't you, Valiant? It's just Dumbo.
Eddie Valiant I know who it is.
I got him on loan from Disney. Him and half the cast of Fantasia. the best part is, they work for "peanuts".
Eddie Valiant Forget it. I don't work Toontown.
What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown.
Eddie Valiant Then get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't going.
No! Not my Jessica! Not patty-cake! This is impossible! I don't believe it! It can't be! It just can't be! Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! Jessica's the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee.
Eddie Valiant Well you better start drinking it black, Acme's taking the cream now.
Eddie Valiant A ladies' man, eh?
The problem is I got a fifty year old lust and a three year old dinky. Look, Valiant, the rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer, I should know, he's a dear friend of mine. I tell ya Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. The papers said Acme left no will. That's a load of succotash. Any toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us toons. That will is the reason he got bumped off.
Eddie Valiant Has anyone ever seen this will?
Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.
Eddie Valiant If you think that guy could do anything solemn, the gag's on you, pal.
I just figured since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might wanna help get him out. I can pay ya.
Eddie Valiant Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!
[Pushes the stroller, knocks a woman over, Baby Herman's cigar falls to the floor]
My stogie! Whaaaa-a-a-a-a-a! Whaaaa-a-a!
Eddie Valiant Happy Trails.
No thanks Eddie, I'm trying to cut down.
Eddie Valiant Drink the drink!
But I don't want the drink!
He doesn't want the drink!
Eddie Valiant He does!
I don't!
Eddie Valiant You do!
I don't!
Eddie Valiant You do!
I don't!
Eddie Valiant You do!
I don't!
Eddie Valiant You don't!
I do!
Eddie Valiant You don't!
I do!
Eddie Valiant You don't!
Listen, when I say "I do", that means I do!
Eddie Valiant [Eddie sneaks up on Maroon]
What's Up, Doc?
Valiant, what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?
Eddie Valiant You need a heart, before you can have an attack.
Yeah, yeah. You got the will?
Eddie Valiant Sure. I got the will. Question is, do you have the way? I can tell you now it ain't gonna come cheap.
Yeah! Check the probate! Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with his "probate", and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water!
Eddie Valiant Not prostate, you idiot! Probate!
Eddie Valiant Anybody know you're here?
Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh--
Eddie Valiant Who?
Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, green grocerer, the butcher, the baker, they didn't know. But the liquor store guy; he knew.
Eddie Valiant In other words, the whole damn town knows you're here! Get out!
Eddie Valiant What's with him?
Betty Boop Mr. Acme never misses a night when Jessica performs.
Eddie Valiant Got a thing for rabbits, huh?
[catches Eddie peeping through the dressing room keyhole, watching Jesica and Mr. Acme playing patty-cake]
What do you think you're doin', chump?
Eddie Who are you calling a chump, chimp?
Eddie [slams the door] [lifts his arms to scratch his armpits]
OOGA BOOGA!
Eddie Valiant Weren't you the one I caught playing patty-cake with old man Acme?
You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures.
Eddie Valiant What are you talking about?
Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but he said that if I didn't pose for those patty-cake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant. Anything.
Eddie Valiant [Presses her chest against Eddie's with a "thump"]
What a wife.
You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.
Eddie Valiant You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.
I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
Eddie Valiant Seriously, what do you see in that guy?
He makes me laugh.
Well, we're not going anywhere in my car. Let's take yours.
Eddie Valiant I have a feeling someone already did.
From the looks of it I'd say it was Roger. My honey bunny was never very good behind the wheel.
Eddie Valiant Better lover than a driver, huh?
You'd better believe it, buster.
Eddie Valiant [After a weasel is caught in a bear trap from Jessica's cleavage]
Nice "booby" trap.
Eddie Valiant [Marvin Acme squirts ink from his pen on Eddie's shirt and laughs]
You think that's funny?
Marvin Acme
It's a panic!
Eddie Valiant [grabs Acme by the lapels]
You won't think it's so funny when I stick that pen up your nose!
Marvin Acme
Calm down son, will ya. Look the stain's gone, it's disappearing ink.
Marvin Acme
[the stain fades away]
No hard feelings, I hope. Listen, I'm--
Eddie Valiant I know who you are. Marvin Acme, The guy who owns Toontown; the Gag King.
Got the Password?
Eddie Valiant Walt sent me.
Eddie Valiant [the door opens]
Nice monkey suit.
Wise ass!
Eddie Valiant You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you, and what are you doing? Singing and dancing!
But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.
Eddie Valiant Sit down!
You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.
Eddie Valiant Then when they're done laughing, they'll call the cops. That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel.
Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.
Eddie Valiant Why? Because you made him laugh?
That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.
Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday?
Eddie Valiant Fish special?
You know my boss check the books on Friday. If I don't have that money I gave you back in the till, I'm going to lose my job.
Eddie Valiant Don't bust a button, Dolores. You only have one left.
Angelo So who's your client, Mr. Detective-to-the-Stars? Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirrel?
What'll it be?
Angelo I'll have a beer, doll. So what happened, huh? Somebody kidnapped Dinky Doodle?
Cut it out, Angelo.
Angelo No, wait a minute, wait a minute, I've got it. You're working for Little Bo Peep. She's lost her sheep, and you're gonna help her find them, huh?
Eddie Valiant [Angelo laughs. Eddie kicks Angelo's seat out from under him and grabs him by the neck]
Get this straight, meatball! I don't work for toons!
Angelo [Eddie stuffs a hard-boiled egg in Angelo's mouth and storms off] [spits out the egg]
So what's his problem?
A toon killed his brother.
Angelo What?
Dropped a piano on his head.
Angelo Hey, I seen a rabbit.
Where?
Eddie Valiant [Roger gasps]
Ya see?
Where?!
Angelo He's right here in the bar.
Angelo [put his arm around an imaginary friend]
Say hello, Harvey.
What are you going to do to me, Valiant?
Eddie Valiant I'm going to listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario; the story of greed, sex and murder. And the parts that I don't like, I'm going to edit out.
You got it all wrong, I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer!
Eddie Valiant Everybody's gotta have a hobby.
You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant?
Eddie Valiant Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year.
I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?
Eddie Valiant What's that?
Remember how they always thought there wasn't a way to kill a toon? Well, Doom found a way. Turpentine, acetone, benzene. He calls it "The Dip."
I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant. And I'll try him, convict him, and execute him.
Eddie Valiant [dunks shoe in Dip, dissolving it completely]
Geez!
Greasy
[laughs]
That's one dead shoe, eh, boss?
They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant. This is how we handle things down in Toontown.
[Eddie is about to pick up the hand buzzer that fell off of Acme's corpse when Judge Doom stops him with his cane]
Is this man removing evidence from the scene of the crime?
Ah, no, Judge Doom. Valiant here was just picking it up for you. Weren't you, Eddie?
Hand it over.
Eddie Valiant Sure thing.
Eddie Valiant [zaps Doom with buzzer]
Their number one seller.
I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you.
Eddie Valiant I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for R.K. Maroon.
Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon. He said the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures. The rabbit swore one way or another he and his wife were going to be happy. Is that true?
Eddie Valiant Hey, pal. Do I look like a stenographer?
Shut your yap, Eddie. The man's a judge.
That's all right, Lieutenant. From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze talking.
Tweety Bird Oh, look! Piggies. This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef. This little piggy had...
Tweety Bird [Eddie screams as he falls down]
Uh-oh. Ran out of piggies.
Bugs Bunny
[Eddie is falling; Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, both wearing parachutes, join him]
Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumping without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it?
Mickey Mouse Yeah. You could get killed. Heh, heh.
Eddie Valiant You guys got a spare?
Mickey Mouse Uh, Bugs does.
Eddie Valiant Yeah?
Bugs Bunny
Yeah, but I don't think you want it.
Eddie Valiant I do, I do, give it to me.
Mickey Mouse Gee, better let him have it, Bugs.
Bugs Bunny
Okay, Doc. Whatever you say. Here's the spare.
Eddie Valiant Thank you.
Eddie Valiant [Mickey and Bugs deploy parachutes; Eddie pulls ripcord on parachute, car tire comes out]
OH NO!! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!
Mickey Mouse Aw, poor fella.
Bugs Bunny
Yeah, ain't I a stinker?
What could have possibly happened to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?
Eddie Valiant You really want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother.
A toon? No-o!
Eddie Valiant Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing, with those burning red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that.
Oh, no. Where's Roger?
Eddie Valiant Roger? He chickened out on me back at the studio.
No, he didn't. I hit him in the head with a frying pan and put him in the trunk, so he wouldn't get hurt.
Eddie Valiant Makes perfect sense.
Don't make us play rough, Valiant. We just want the rabbit.
What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do?
Eddie Valiant What's all this "we" stuff? They just want the rabbit.
Eddie Valiant Do you mean to tell me you could have taken your hand out of that cuff at any time?!
Not at any time. Only when it was funny.
Several months ago I had the good providence to stumble upon this plan of the city council's. A construction plan of epic proportions. They're calling it a freeway.
Eddie Valiant Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?
Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.
Eddie Valiant So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? I don't get it.
Of course not. You lack vision. I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on all day, all night. Soon, where Toontown once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful.
Eddie Valiant Come on! Nobody's going to drive this lousy freeway when they can take the Red Car for a nickel.
Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to. You see, I bought the Red Car so I could dismantle it.
Eddie (calliope begins playing "The Merry Go Round Broke Down")
Now Roger is his name/And laughter is his game/Come on you dope, untie his rope/And watch him go insane.
I don't think so.
Eddie This singing's not my line/It's tough to make a rhyme/If I get stuck, I'm out of luck--
I'm running out of time!
Eddie Thanks!
(more pratfalls; weasels start dying of laughter)
Hey, Eddie, keep it up! You're killing 'em! You're slaying 'em! You're knocking 'em dead!
Eddie I'm through with taking falls/And bouncing off the walls/Without that gun I'd have some fun/I'd kick you in the-- *gets hit in head with vase*
Nose!
Nose? That don't rhyme with walls!
Eddie No, but this does!
(kicks Smart Ass in the groin, sending him flying, screaming, into the Dip Mixer, which then dissolves him)
Eddie Valiant Holy smoke, he's a Toon!
Surprised?
Eddie Valiant Not really. That lame-brain freeway idea could only be cooked up by a Toon.
Not just any Toon...
(Judge Doom reinflates himself. His hat is blown away and his fake eyes fall to the floor, revealing his true, red eyes)
Remember me, Eddie? (high, squeaky voice) When I killed your brother, I talked JUST... LIKE... THIS!!!!!
Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme.
Eddie Valiant And R. K. Maroon and my brother.
That's what I call one seriously disturbed toon.
[Bongo the Gorilla spots Eddie for peeping through the keyhole of the door to Jessica Rabbit's dressing room at the Ink and Paint club.]
What do you think you're doing, chump?
Eddie Who are you callin' a chump, chimp?
[Bongo opens the door and throws the screaming Eddie out of the Ink and Paint club.]
And don't let me catch your peepin' face around here again! Got it? [closes the door]
Eddie OOGA-BOOGA!
Marvin
Come, my dear, Jessica. Over here. I have everything ready. Right here, on the bed.
Marvin
Oh, Jessica, you promised.
Oh, all right. But this time, take off that hand buzzer.
Eddie [Eddie stands by the window and takes pictures of them playing patty-cake] [surprised]
You gotta be kidding me.
[In Maroon's office; Roger is crying after finding out Jessica playing patty-cake with Marvin Acme] [crying; struggles the window blinds]
Patty-cake! Patty-cake! I don't believe it! [heads to bang his head on his desk] Patty-cake! Patty-cake! Is that true?!
Take comfort, son. You're not the first man whose wife played patty cake on him.
[Maroon hands Roger his handkerchief, he uses it to blow his nose couple times. He hands it back dripping with water and Maroon hands it to Eddie.]
I just don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it. I shan't believe it!
Eddie [drops the wet handkerchief in the bin]
Believe it, kid. I took the pictures myself. She played patty cake.
[looks at couple pictures of Jessica and Marvin]
No... not my Jessica! Not patty cake. This is impossible. I don't believe it. It can't be. It just can't be. Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! [throws pictures into the air] Jessica's the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the cream in my coffee.
Eddie You better start drinking it black, 'cause Acme's taking the cream now.
Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my friend and neighbor for 30 years. Who would've thought he was a sugar daddy?
Somebody must have made her do it.
[hands Roger a glass of whiskey]
Now drink this, son. It'll make ya feel better.
[Roger takes a shot of the glass of whiskey. He turns a variety of different colors and his eyes bulge. He suddenly shoots into the air and emits a whistling sound so high pitched that it smashes all the glasses, saucers, picture frames and awards since 1923 in the room including the one held by Valiant and the glass awards on the shelves, broken lamp since 1912 and the bottle of beer. As the whistling dies down Roger collapses back into the seat and mutters...]
Eddie [shakes the whiskey off of his hands]
Son of a bitch. Look, Mr. Maroon, I think my work here is finished. How about that carrot you owe me, huh?
A deal's a deal. [hands Eddie the check]
Eddie Thanks.
Roger. I know all this seems pretty painful now. But you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Valiant?
Eddie Yeah, sure. A good looking guy like that? [chuckles] The dames'll be breaking his door down.
[suddenly comes to life; angered]
Dames?! What dames?! [grabs Eddie by the collar] Jessica's the only one for me! You'll see! We'll rise above this pickling peccadillo! We're going to be happy again! You got that? Happy! Capital H-A-P-P-I!
Eddie [Roger crashes through the window, leaving a rabbit shaped hole in the glass and the blinds from smashing window.]
Well, at least he took it well.
[Eddie and Maroon stare dumbfounded out of the window the blinds crash down.] [while crying, looking at his pictures of him and Jessica; wedding, honeymoon and nightclub]
Oh, Jessica. Please tell me it's not true. P-p-p-please?
Eddie [Eddie sees a babysitter, who is lighting a cigar for Baby Herman]
Uh... [runs to them] Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, wait a minute! Hey, hey!
Sitter
I've been tryin' to make him quit, but he just won't listen to me.
What do you know, you dumb broad? You got the I.Q. of a rattle. You Valiant?
Eddie Yeah.
I wanna talk to you about the Acme murder. [to a woman] Hey, psst, doll. Why don't you run downstairs and get me a racin' form? [slaps sitter's butt]
Sitter
Okay, okay, I'm going! [leaves]
Eddie The lady's man, huh?
My problem is, I've got a 50-year-old lust and a 3-year-old body.
Eddie Yeah. Must be tough.
Look, Valiant. The rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer. I should know. He's a dear friend of mine. I tell you, Valiant, the whole thing world's like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. [hands Valiant a newspaper for August 1947] The paper says Acme left no will. That's a load of succotash. Every toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us Toons. That will is the reason he got bumped off!
Eddie Has anybody ever seen this will?
Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.
Eddie [turns the baby carriage around]
If you believe that that joker could do anything solid, the gag's on you pal!
I just figured since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might want to help get him out. I can pay ya.
Eddie Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes! [angrily pushes the baby carriage forward, and rolls it down the hall]
Hey, no! Valiant, don't! [collides with the sitter, drops his cigar] Oh! My stogie! [looks down at his cigar, starts crying] WAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Eddie [Eddie heads into his office, as Baby Herman continues crying.] [looks at the newspaper in his office]
It ain't not my fault the rabbit got himself in trouble. [drinks his whiskey] All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures. [notices the will is Marvin Acme is in the picture, gets out of the magnifying glass to investigate it] The baby was right. The hell with it.
Eddie Happy Trails.
No, thanks, Eddie. I'm tryin' to cut down.
Eddie Drink the drink!
But I don't want the drink!
He doesn't want the drink.
Eddie He does!
I don't!
Eddie You do!
I don't!
Eddie You do!
I don't!
Eddie You do!
I don't!
Eddie You don't.
I do!
Eddie You don't!
I do!
Eddie You don't!
Eddie [Roger drinks the glass, causing him to leap into the air and emit the same ear-piercing whistling sound as before in Maroon's office, breaking multiple bottles and glasses. Eddie fights the weasels, smashing all the tables and breaking bottles. As the drink's effect on Roger wears out, he nearly falls in the dip, but Valiant catches him]
Got you, kid! [knocks over the barrel of dip to slow down Doom]
Come on, Eddie! Let's get outta here! Move it, pops! YIKES!! [he and Eddie rush outside] Yeah! That was quick thinking, Eddie! Nothin' like using the ol' spine flower, the wise noodle, the smart puddin'!
Eddie Roger, let's use this! [grabs Roger and throws him in the weasels van]
Let's get outta here! What are you waiting for?!
Eddie THERE'S NO DAMN KEY!
[They both hear a voice from the back]
HEY, YOU WEASELS! LET ME OUTTA HERE, WILL YA?! COME ON! I'VE GOTTA MAKE A LIVING!
[squeezes through the hatch and the love letter to Jessica falls into Eddie's lap. He puts it in his pocket]
Eddie! We got ourselves a ride! Open the doors!
[Eddie opens the van doors and a toon taxi cab named Benny leaps out]
Ah! That's better! I can't believe they locked me up for driving on a sidewalk!
[After the weasels have searched Eddie and Jessica for the will, but have failed]
Do they have the will or not?
Nah, just a stupid love letter.
No matter. I doubt if that will is going to show up in the next 15 minutes, anyway.
Eddie What happens in the next 15 minutes?
Toontown will be legally mine - lock, stock, and barrel.
Valiant Does this answer your question? [Valiant gives him a big kiss.]
Yech! Hoo hoo hoo!
Come on, Roger, let's go home. I'll bake you a carrot cake.
