Bowser
Princess Peach, brave as ever. [Kamek appears aside him] As you can see, I have the Super Star.
Peach
If you're going to use it, use it now. [points her harpoon at Bowser]
Bowser
No, Princess, I stole this star for us. I guess...love really makes a guy come out of his shell, heh-heh-heh. [beat; to Kamek] I told you that line wouldn't work!
Kamek
You're doing great.
Luigi
Mario.
Bowser
What is your name?
Luigi
Uh...Luigi.
Bowser
Not sure if you know who I am, but I'm about to marry a princess and rule the world.
Luigi
Wow. Uh, yay.
Bowser
But there's one problem, Luigi. There's a human traveling with my fiancé; has a mustache, just like you. Do you know him?
Luigi
No. No!
Bowser
Ah, tough one, I see. Maybe this'll get you to talk. [pulls at a strand of Luigi's mustache with his claws]
Luigi
Do you think I know every human being with a mustache wearing an identical outfit with a hat with the letter of his first name on it? Because I don't.
Bowser
Do you know him?!
Luigi
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! I know him. Yes, I know him. Yeah, he's my brother, Mario, and he's the best guy in the world.
Bowser
Do princesses find him atttractive?!
Luigi
They do if they have good taste. [Bowser rips part of his mustache] AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Bowser
Get him outta my sight! We'll see how tough this Mario is when he watches me kill his brother!
Luigi
Where am I?
Donkey Kong
Cool raccoon suit.
Tanooki Mario
Really?
Donkey Kong
Not at all.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Brooklyn's favorite failures, the Stupid Mario Brothers.
Luigi
Oh, great. Spike's here.
Mario
Hey, Spike.
Yeah. [mockingly] "It's-a me!" [laughs] Ooh, yeah. [seriously] Tell me, have you even gotten one call since you two have left me to start your dumb company?
Luigi
As a matter of fact, Spike, we have. [points at his phone]
Mario
Wow. Really?
Luigi
Uh, yeah. Our mom called, and she said, "Oh, boys, that's the best commercial I've ever seen!" And I said, "Thank you very much, Mother, we're very proud of it." So, boom! [slams his phone, cracking the screen]
Good luck running a business with this idiot. [throws a balled-up napkin at Luigi]
Mario
Say that again about my brother, and you're gonna regret it. [throws ball back at Spike]
Oh, yeah? [grabs Mario by the overalls] Get this through your tiny brain, Mario: you're a joke, and you always will be. [throws Mario on the ground, leaves some money, and exits]
Luigi
Are you insane? He's 3 times than your size.
Mario
Luigi, c'mon. Y'know, you can't be scared all the time.
Luigi
Mmm, you'd be surprised. [hears his cracked phone begins to ring with the Nintendo GameCube boot-up music and answers] Hello, Super Mario Brothers. Uh-huh? A drip in your faucet? That's great! I mean, that's...That's great you called us because we can be there, and we can fix it right away. Okay. [hangs up] Mario, we got one! The Super Mario Brothers are in business!
Mario
Woohoo!
Kamek
Sire.
Bowser
What?
Kamek
A report from our intelligence; A mustachioed human has arrived in the Mushroom Kingdom. [Bowser angrily growls; stumbles in fear] The princess has been training him. They are up to something, sire.
Bowser
Sit. Jam with me. [Kamek sits next to Bowser, as he starts playing the Underground Theme] This, uh, human, where did he come from?
Kamek
We aren't sure.
Bowser
Does the princess...like him?
Kamek
Sire, look in the mirror; you have nothing to worry about.
Bowser
I know that. I'm not threatened. [slams cover on Kamek's fingers]
Kamek
Bowser
FIND OUT WHO HE IS, AND WHAT THEY'RE PLANNING!! [slams his fist and storms off]
Kamek
I'm on it, sire. May I lift the cover?
Bowser
Not yet. Pain is the best teacher.
Mario
Had enough?
Donkey Kong
Not...even...close. [almost falls off the platform]
Mario
I'll take that as a "Yes."
Yes! That's my best friend!
Mario
Oh, what? I'm a cat?!
Donkey Kong
You got the cat box! Oh, my - Ah! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. [becomes serious] Now you die. [throws a punch at Cat Mario, who dodges]
Mario
Huh. I'm a cat! [counter-attacks]
Mario
Hey! Leave him alone!
Luigi
Mario?
Bowser
You just don't know when to quit!
Mario
Yeah, I've been told that before.
Mario
It's-a-me! A-Mario!
Luigi
And a-Luigi!
Mario
You don't seem like you're from here.
Fire Peach
I don't know where I'm from.
Mario
Really?
Fire Peach
Yep. My earliest memory is arriving. [flashback to Baby Peach entering the Mushroom Kingdom and meeting the Toads] I was so lucky they found me. [as Peach grows up, shots of her fishing Cheep Cheeps and training with the Toads] They took me in and raised me like one of their own. And when I was ready... [cut to Peach being crowned as the Toads cheer for her] ...they made me their princess.
Mario
Maybe you're from my world.
Fire Peach
There's a huge universe out there...with a lot of galaxies.
Peach
No! No, Mario!
Cranky Kong
No! No! [The flying Clown Cars starts snatching him and the Kongs away] Get your clown claws off of me!
Bowser
Goodbye, Mario.
Peach
We have to get home.
Donkey Kong
HEY! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!
Mario
My fault?! You're the one who-
Donkey Kong
STOP TALKING! I don't want the last thing I hear before I die to be your- [he and Mario crash into the ocean. Donkey Kong is knocked unconscious, but Mario manages to bring him up to the surface by pulling him by his tie. A large creature closes its jaws beneath them. They surface]
Donkey Kong
Mario... you saved my life.
Mario
Yeah, well...I won't tell anyone. But I don't know or remember what happened.
Donkey Kong
No, thank you. Good, please don't.
Mario
Okay. [hears bubbling sound from below] Uh...did you just...feel something?
Donkey Kong
Swim!
[The Maw-Ray closes its jaws around them]
Peach
You ready?
Peach
We are here to see the king.
Cranky Kong
What makes you think you're worthy of fighting alongside the greatest army in the world?
Peach
Because we have heart. And with your strength, we can win.
Cranky Kong
Okay, fine.
Peach
That's it?
Cranky Kong
No, that's not it! The answer is No. Good bye!
Peach
If the Mushroom Kingdom falls, the Jungle Kingdom is next.
Mario
We're not leaving without your army.
Cranky Kong
Hahahahaha! Who is this guy? Oh, he makes me laugh. Hahahaha! All right, tough guy, you want my army so badly? Defeat my son in the Great Ring of Kong!
Peach
Give us a second. [to Mario] This is a really, really bad idea!
Mario
Well, do you have another way to save my brother?
Cranky Kong
Are you two done whispering? It's a little rude.
That is but a taste of our fury. Do you yield?
Bowser
I do not.
Peach
Well, we have a long journey ahead of us, Mustache.
Mario
But I didn't make it.
Peach
You almost did. No one gets it right away.
Mario
How many tries did it take you?
Peach
Oh, so many. I was not good at it. Worse than you. [flashes a guilty grin]
Mario
You got it right away, didn't you?
Peach
I got it right away, but I grew up here.
Mario
Okay, now you're just trying to make me feel better.
Peach
No. No. [pause] Is it working?
Mario
A little bit, yeah.
Kamek
Ah-he-he-hem. Dearly belov- [Peach punches him] Agh!
Bowser
Huh?
Drama.
Peach
You really thought I'd marry you?
Bowser
Kinda.
Peach
I'd never marry a monster. [powers up with Ice Flower, becoming Ice Peach]
Bowser
THEN WE ARE BREAKING UP RIGHT NOW!
[They start fighting]