Oscar quotes from Shark Tale (2004)

Oscar

Hey, Crazy Joe!

Crazy Joe

Now you live in a great penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?

Oscar

That's a billboard, Crazy Joe.

Crazy Joe

You live in a billboard? And they call me crazy!

Sykes

All right. 'Cause I like you, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to pay up.

Oscar

All of it? How am I supposed to do that?

Sykes

That's your problem. Bring me 5,000 clams to the track tomorrow, or else.

Oscar

Or else what?

Sykes

The boys will explain.

Oscar

He was the #1 tongue scrubber. Every year for 25 years. To me, working at the Wash, was the coolest job in the ocean. But then I learned something I will never forget.

Oscar's dad's a tongue scrubber!

Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber!

Oscar

Watch it! Back up! I'm crazy! I be trippin'! [makes karate moves and noises until he accidentally kicks Bernie]

Bernie

Ow! What the…?

Bernie

Don't hurt us! We're sorry! It was all Ernie's idea! [Ernie nods, then looks at Bernie angrily]

Ernie

Oscar?

Bernie

Did you kill that shark?

Oscar

Uh, yeah. Exactly how it looks; that's how it is.

Oscar

Do you hear them, Lenny?! They are going crazy, man! They love us!

Lenny

They love you. They hate me!

Oscar

What?!

Lenny

Can we switch sides? Maybe I can be the Fishslayer! They'll never see it comin'!

Oscar

Come on, man! Look. You sell this, you'll never have to go home again! You could start a new life! [Lenny nods his head understandingly] Now gimme a growl!

Lenny

Okay. [purrs; he then clears his throat and roars loudly in Oscar's face] Like that?

Oscar

That was... pretty good!

Lenny

You're right. I'm sorry. I haven't been myself since the... the, uh... Don't cry. [cries in anguish]

Oscar

No, no, it's not all that. Just relax.

Lenny

It's my fault... kinda... not really... but still. My brother...

Oscar

You just need a little time, man. Look, thi... things'll work out.

Lenny

You think?

Oscar

Yeah. So, look, I'm gonna take off... And you should just go home, Okay?

Lenny

Okay.

Oscar

Hey, good luck, dawg.

Oscar

They got Angie. And they want a sit-down. I never meant for anybody to get hurt, especially not Angie. This is all my fault.

Sykes

That's a classic move. I've seen it a thousand times.

Lenny

They take the thing you love the most, and then they use it against you.

Oscar

Look, we gotta go to that sit-down, and we gotta save her.

Lenny

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I wanna save Angie, too. But I can't just waltz in there and say, "Hi, Pop, I'm a dolphin!"

Sykes

Lenny?

Lenny

"And my friend the Sharkslayer here's a fake!"

Sykes

Fake?

Lenny

Come on, we're gonna need a better plan than that!

Sykes

This is a joke, right? This is a joke. Because you know, I told Lino... [suddenly flashes back to his phone call with Lino]

Sykes

Shut up, Lino. Shut up! [Don Lino growls]

Sykes

Tell me you didn't make it all up, kid! Tell me that's not Lenny! Tell me you're a real Sharkslayer, please!

Oscar

I'm sorry, Sykes. I'm not. [his mood suddenly brightens] But the sharks don't know that.

Oscar

STOP! I AM NOT A REAL SHARKSLAYER! [The crowd stops cheering and stares in disbelief.] I lied.

Lino

What?

Crazy Joe

And I'm not a real financial adviser!

Oscar

Okay... [to Lino] It was an anchor that killed Frankie. I didn't have anything to do with it, and neither did Lenny.

Lino

If that's true, why did you run away?

Lenny

Because you always wanted me to be like Frankie. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.

Oscar

What is your problem?! So your son likes kelp, so his best friend is a fish, so he likes to dress like a dolphin! So what?! Everybody loves him, just the way he is. Why can't you? Don't make the same mistake that I did. I didn't know what I had... until I lost it.

Lino

Will you get me outta this, so I can hug my kid, and tell him I'm sorry?

Lino

Come here, you. [hugs Lenny] I love you, son. No matter what you eat, or how you dress.

Oscar

Don't... swallow!

Lenny

Oscar?

Oscar:

No, it's Pinocchio. Of course it's me! Why did you do that?!

Lenny

I'm sorry...

Oscar

No, "sorry" is when you step on somebody's fin at the theater! Yeah, that's "sorry"! "Sorry" is when you say "Hey, when's the baby due?" and it turns out the person's just FAT! No, this is as far away from "sorry" as you can possibly get!

Lenny

Oscar, I think I'm gonna puke...

Oscar

Oh, no, no, no, no... Lenny, just open up, nice and easy.

Lenny

Shhh! He could be anywhere!

Oscar

Who?

Lenny

The Shark Slayer...

Oscar

There's no Shark Slayer.

Lenny

Tchee-he-ha-ha. Yes, there is!

Oscar

Tchee-he-ha-ha. No, there is not! Trust me on this one!

Lenny

Get a hold of yourself, man! This is no time to act crazy!

Oscar

Hey, you're the one acting crazy, crazy!

Oscar

Sykes, shut up! Shut up!

Sykes

Hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! Shut up! Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.

Oscar

No. I'm not here. I'm not here!

Sykes

Yeah, he's right here. [hands Oscar the phone]

Oscar

Hello?

Don Lino

Shut up? Shut up?! You don't tell me "Shut up"! I tell you "Shut up"!

Don Lino

What? Hello?

Luca

Yeah, hi. Lemme have a pie with everything on it. Anchovies, Meatballs, Mushrooms–

Don Lino

Luca?

Luca

Oh, hi, boss. What are you doin' workin' at a pizza joint?

Don Lino

Get off the phone!

Luca

But I'm hungry! [Luca reluctantly hangs up]

Don Lino

My guys are comin' for you, Shark Slayer! They're gonna tear you FIN FROM FIN! [slams the phone down hanging up too]

Oscar

All right, I totally betrayed you, but before we work this out I got a small thing to take care of.

Angie

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Oscar

Sharks are coming to get me!

Angie

And they should! What did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?!

Oscar

Uh... yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny, we're gonna take care of this...

Lenny

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the "we"? I don't want any part of this!

Oscar

Hey, too late now, veggie boy. They'll be looking for you, too!

Lenny

Point taken. What's the plan?

You come and you go...

Way to go, Oscar.

Oscar

Hi, I'm Oscar. You might think you know, but you have no idea. [rap music] Welcome to my crib. The good life, the way the other half lives. Check it out, I got my 60" inch high-def, flatscreen TV with 6-speaker surround-sound, CD, DVD, PlayStation hook-up, and an 8-track player for days when you're feeling just a little... [beatbox] old school. [laughs] 'Cause even a superstar Mack daddy fish like me has to have the necessities.

Yeah, like money! [Camera zooms out to show Oscar standing in front of billboard ad]

Oscar

Come on, Shorties, why you messing with my fantasy?

'Cause you're so broke, your baloney has no first name.

Oscar

That's very funny.

Crazy Joe

Hey, Oscar. Over here. I gotta talk to ya.

Oscar

Be right there. Hang onto these.

Oscar, you da fish.

Yo, dude.

Oscar

Yo, Crazy Joe!

Crazy Joe

Now that you live in a great penthouse, can I be your financial advisor?

Oscar

That's a billboard, Crazy Joe.

Crazy Joe

You live in a billboard? And they call me crazy! [laughs insanely while floating away with an umbrella]

Hey, Oscar! Look who came to visit!

Oscar

YAAH!!! [They shorties spray-painted the billboard with a pic of Oscar being devoured by a shark bursting through the penthouse floor]

Gotcha!

Oscar

No, don't do that! Shouldn't you kids be in school?

Shouldn't you be at work?

Oscar

Right back at me, eh? Little smart mouth? Now I'm on my way and y'all stay outta trouble. [turns back to the graffiti] And clean that stuff up!

See ya! [The Shorties clean the graffiti]

Crazy Joe

See ya, Oscar. [laughs]

Oscar

Yo, what's up, fellas? Big O's in the house.

Hi, Oscar.

Hi, Oscar!

Oscar

What's up? Hey. Reef side. Yo, Johnson, is it lunch yet?

You just got here.

Oscar

That's my point. Hey, Headphone Guy. Looking good, ladies.

Hey, Oscar.

Oscar

Keep up the bad work. Huh? I'm already punched in? Angie.

Angie

Good morning. Can I help you?

Whale

One wash and mouth, please.

Angie

Hot wax?

Whale

Please.

Angie

Kelp Scrape. We're having a special, what do you say?

Whale

Why not? It's mating season, and I'm feeling lucky! [leaves]

Angie

Whale of the wash, and the price... [blissful sigh] Oh, my gosh. [camera pans to Angie doodling her crush on Oscar] May I suggest a barnacle peel? Removes lines and salt damage. Good.

Oscar

Hey, Ang.

Angie

OH, MY GOSH! [quickly hides her secret paper] Hi Oscar!

Oscar

Thanks for covering for me. [over the phone] Hey yo, Angie needs to get her freak on! Could ya hold for one moment please? Thanks, dawg! [hangs up]

Angie

Oscar!

Oscar

Come on, Ang! Dance with me, mama! ♪ You might not ever be rich! ♪

Angie

Oscar! You're gonna get me fired!

Oscar

You? Fired? [scoffs] That can't happen, 'cause then I'd have absolutely NO reason to come to work.

Angie

Oh, you don't mean that.

Oscar

'Course I do. You're, like, my best friend. [Angie gasps; then when Oscar's not looks, dramatically pretends to jab herself in the heart with her pen. When Oscar turns back to her, she quickly hides the pen with a sheepish giggle] Listen, tell me what you think about this. This is like the best idea ever, all right. It's a sure thing, guaranteed cash extravaganza. Bottled water.

Angie

Oh, no.

Oscar

All I need is an advance on my paycheck from the boss and, Ang, I am out of this place. I mean, I am... pschoo!

Angie

Oscar. Instead of getting in Mr. Sykes' face with another get-rich-quick scheme, go do something you're actually good at: your job, which by some miracle you still have.

Oscar

Oh. I almost forgot. I brought you some breakfast.

Angie

You didn't. Kelpy Kremes?

Oscar

Your favorite. By the way, you're still on hold.

Angie

Oh, my gosh! Thank you for holding. Busy, busy. Go. How can I help you? No, I'm sorry. Mr. Sykes is at a meeting right now. He won't be back till later.

Don Lino

How are my babies this morning? You miss me? You doing good? Huh? Huh? [To Sykes] You see, Sykes, it's a fish-eat-fish world, [he drops a food pellet into the tank] you either take, or you get taken. [The fish sprout razor teeth and devour the pellet as Lino closes the tank's lid]

Sykes

Truer words have never been spoken. Is that it? That all? We done?

Don Lino

Now, you and me, we worked together a long, long, long time.

Sykes

Please, Don Lino, it's hardly been like work.

Don Lino

You know...

Sykes

I love that about you.

Don Lino

Let me finish. That I've lived my life for my sons. Raising and protecting them...

Sykes

You're the best! He's the best, right? Am I right or am I wrong? Am I right?

Don Lino

It's all been to prepare...

Sykes

Right?

Don Lino

...to prepare them...

Sykes

Sorry.

Don Lino

Yeah. It's all right. ...for the day they run the reef. Well, today is that day. [pauses; The record player gets stuck] Luca.

Luca

Hey, Boss, big butts! [chuckles]

Don Lino

Oy vey. Long story short, from now on yous work for Frankie and Lenny. Capiche?

Sykes

Lenny? Frankie, I understand, but Lenny? You can't be serious.

Don Lino

I'm dead serious. It takes more than muscle to run things. Now Lenny, he's got the brains. That's something special.

Sykes

He's special all right.

Don Lino

What's that supposed to mean?

Sykes

Nothing. I'm just saying...

Don Lino

Hey, I bring you in here, look you in the eye, tell you what's what, and what?

Sykes

What?

Don Lino

What "what"?

Sykes

"What, what" nothing. You said "what" first.

Don Lino

I didn't say what first. I asked you what.

Sykes

No, you said "And then what?", and I said "What?"

Don Lino

No, I said "what what", like what, what?! [brief pauses]

Sykes

You said "what" first.

Don Lino

Now you're makin' fun of me?!

Sykes

No, no, no, no, you misunderstood! [His sons arrived]

Frankie

Sorry we're late, Pop. Lenny had an accident. He was born.

Lenny

You're a comic genius.

Sykes

Look, all I'm saying is the kid ain't exactly no killer.

Don Lino

My Lenny is a killer! Ya hear me? A cold-blooded killer! Look at him! [Lino and Sykes both notice Lenny obliviously spinning around on his chair; Frankie shakes his head]

Sykes

Huh?

Don Lino

That's it. That's IT! You are OUT!

Sykes

What?! [inflates; high pitched] Whaddya mean I'm "out"?!

Don Lino

You're fired! [pushes Sykes; Sykes screams and lands on a picture across the room] And on top of that, you're gonna have to start paying me!

Sykes

For what?

Don Lino

So nothing happens to that little Whale Wash of yours. [Cut to the Oscar and workers at the Whale Wash]

Oscar

Welcome to Oscar's crib. 60 foot slime-covered tongue with canker sores, swim-in cavities and plankton-encrusted teeth for when I feel a little… [exasperated] old school!

Ah, stop your moaning, Oscar! It could be a lot worse, you know?

Oscar

Yeah, that's true. I could have this job, and look like you! [laughs; sudden rumbling] Indigestion... SHE'S GONNA BLOW! [Workers start scattering]

Wait! Headphone Guy's still in there. [Headphone Guy is cleaning the whale, oblivious to the rumbling]

Oscar

I GOT YOU, HEADPHONE GUY! [he and Headphone Guy brace themselves on the whale's uvula. The scrubbers peak when...the whale let us out a small belch, sending some slime onto Oscar. The workers laughs]

Oscar

Still think it could be worse?

Yeah! I could look like you!

Oscar

Haha! Ya'll funny. Well, see if you laugh at THIS! [throws slimeball at Pontrelli, who ducks with a laughs, and it hits in splat instructor Johnson, causing him to stagger around and accidentally hits a button that sprays soap in the whale's eye, causing the whale to screams in pain and anogy]

Whale

Ohh! Ohh! My eye! OHH!!

Oscar

SOAP IN THE EYE, SOAP IN THE EYE! [Flips the emergency; the grabbers grab the screams whale very tightly; quickly cleans the whale's eye] It's alright. I'ma get you some nice coupons, we gonna get you a free hot wax and all you like that? Alright, go ahead, Big Baby.

Whale

Thanks, Oscar.

Oscar

Alright. [gets slapped on the back by Ernie and shocked, causing the bucket to land on his head]

Ernie

Well, look who it is, Bernie.

Bernie

Just the fish we're looking for.

Ernie

Yeah. [Oscar struggles to remove the bucket]

Bernie

The boss be needing to see you right now.

Ernie

Right now.

Oscar

Ernie, Bernie, my jellyfish brothers. Boo-ya-ka. Hey, what's up, man? Man, it's good to see y'all... Huh? What'd you say, Ang? Okay. Fellas, I'm gonna go ahead over there. [singing] But don't worry [beatboxes] About a thing 'Cause every little thing [Bernie and Ernie shakes the head no] Is gonna be all right... [gets slapped again]

Ernie

That's not the way you sing that song, one. [Cut into the Oscar is tossed into Sykes' office and rolls into his desk]

Oscar

Hey, Sykes! My brother from another mother. What the deezy, baby? [Oscar tries dapping Sykes up, who sighs annoyed at his antics] Show me dat. What's going down? Hey, baby, this is all gravy today. Now snap your fin... Snap it. You're not snapping it...

Sykes

Oscar!

Oscar

Hey, don't sweat it. A lot of white fish can't do it.

Sykes

Oscar, would you just sit down, okay?

Oscar

Thank you.

Sykes

I've been going over my markers. You're into me for five grand. 5 G's, okay?

Oscar

5 Gs? Man, you tripping, 5 Gs.

Sykes

Oh, yeah? See if [throws unpaid loan documents at Oscar] this refreshes your memory.

Oscar

That's crazy, look at that. You wrote everything down so you wouldn't forget. This a perfect example of why you're in management, and I'm not. You go, boy.

Sykes

Look, I have to start paying Don Lino protection, so everything you owe me, you owe him!

Oscar

How you figure that?

Sykes

Simple - the food chain! [pulls out chart] You see, on top there's Don Lino, there's me, and there's regular fish.

Oscar

Oh, that's me!

Sykes

No. There's plankton, there's single-celled amoebas.

Oscar

And then me!

Sykes

I'm getting there, I'm getting there. There's coral, there's rocks, there's whale poo, and then there's you.

Oscar

That's messed up.

Sykes

So if Don Lino's squeezing me... he's squeezing you!

Oscar

What? [the chart suddenly pulls up, catching Sykes in the chin]

Ernie

Easy, boss. Find a happy place.

Bernie

Yeah, a happy place!

Sykes

There is no happy place with him around! [agitated he puffs up; higher pitched] I'm SERIOUS!

Oscar

AH! All right, look! Just give me another chance-! I-I'm begging you, Sykes please! Please!

Sykes

All right. [deflates; normally] Because I "like" you, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to pay up.

Oscar

All of it? How am I supposed to do that?

Sykes

That's your problem. Bring me 5,000 clams to the racetrack tomorrow, or else.

Oscar

Or else what?

Sykes

The boys will explain. [exits his office]

Oscar

Unpleasant.

Angie

5,000 clams?! You borrowed 5,000 clams from Mr. Sykes? Oscar, why do you get yourself into these situations?

Oscar

I don't know, Ang. It's just hard, all right, because I'm a little fish in a big pond. A really big pond. The ocean. I'm a nobody. I want some of that.

Angie

Mrs. Sanchez?

Oscar

What? Ew. No. That. The top of the reef, where the somebodies live. I wanna be rich and famous like them, but I'm stuck down here.

Angie

Well, what's wrong with down here?

Oscar

I'll tell you what's wrong with down here. Remember my dad? He worked at the Wash his whole life. [voiceover] He was the #1 tongue scrubber. Every year for 25 years. To me, working at the Wash, was the coolest job in the ocean. But then I learned something I will never forget.

Oscar's dad's a tongue scrubber!

Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber! Tongue scrubber!

Oscar

My dad was the greatest. But nobody loves a nobody. I want to be a somebody.

Angie

Oscar, you don't have to live at the top of the reef to be a somebody.

Oscar

What's the difference? If I don't pay Mr. Sykes back by tomorrow... I'm dead anyway, so...

Angie

Wait here.

Oscar

What's this? A pink pearl?

Angie

Mm-hm.

Oscar

Where'd you get that?

Angie

My grandmother gave it to me. She said it started from a tiny grain of sand, but then, after a while, it grew into something beautiful. Dreams can begin small too.

Oscar

No. No, I couldn't...

Angie

Take it. It'll get you the money you need for Mr. Sykes.

Lola

Nice bet. [Oscar sheepishly giggles] You got a name? [He nods] You wanna tell me what it is? [Oscar giggles as he nods] Well, mine's Lola.

Oscar

Come on, man! Get your game face on! [slaps himself to tighten up as he yelps] So... [chuckles] Lola, my name's... Uh, My name is Oscar, sweetie. [gasps] Mrs. Sanchez.

Mrs. Sanchez

The hippity-hop smooth talk don't work with me.

Oscar

Oh, My bad. Hey, so, uh...

Sykes

Oscar. I was starting to think you skipped out on me.

Oscar

Sykes! Hey. Oh, I see you're already on your way to the concession stand.

Sykes

What are you doing?

Oscar

Mind bringing us back some drinks? That would be great, thanks. And some of them little wiener thingies.

Bernie

The ones with the toothpicks?

Sykes

What are you doing? Don't listen to him!

Oscar

Come on, Lola let me escort you to... my box.

Your box?!

Sykes

His box?! You can't even afford the gum under the seats!

Lola

He just laid five grand on Lucky Day. I think he can afford anything he wants. [as she says this, Oscar makes various motions that she's crazy, only stopping with a sheepish wince]

Sykes

Five grand? My five grand?!

Oscar

No, it was another five grand.

Sykes

You had the money to pay me back and you bet it anyway? [angrily takes his ticket] Gimme that!

Oscar

Hold up. Sykes!

Lola

Clearly, I've made a mistake.

Oscar

No, no, wait Lola!

Lola

Look, deep down, I'm really superficial. [pulls Oscar close as if to kiss him] And don't get me wrong: you're cute, but... [whispers as she pushes him away] you're a nobody. [leaves; Oscar became stunned]

Ernie

Oscar, you're cute, but you're a nobody.

Bernie

Wait. Lola. Come back. I'm not a nobody. I'm a wiener! [They both laugh, much to Oscar's annoyance]

Sykes

You're unbelievable. You're in trouble up to you gills, and still you're asking for more? Now, go on, get in here!

The horses are lining up the post. [the bell rings and the seahorses rush out] And they're off! Out of the gates, it's Fish Fingers followed by Sea Biscuit and Salmonella. [Lucky Day can't open the gate] The long shot Lucky Day seems appears to be having trouble getting out of the gate.

Oscar

What?!

Only a sucker could've bet on that horse!

Oscar

No, no, no. Don't sweat it, man. He does this all the time. He's just playing.

But what's this? Lucky Day's gone crashing his way through the gate! And he's off and running! Down the straightaway, it's Sea Biscuit, Fish Fingers and Lucky Day.

Oscar

Please, Lucky Day, go fast. Go fast.

Coming up the far turn, it's Sea Biscuit by a length, and Lucky Day well behind the pack. [Lucky Day catches up with the other seahorses] And here comes Lucky Day coming up from behind! He's passing, Yellowtail, Salmonella, and coming up on Fish Fingers!

Oscar

See? See? Who's your fish now? Go!

Around the final turn, here comes Lucky Day! Lucky Day's done caught up to Fish Fingers! They're head-to-head! Neck-and-neck! [Lucky Day takes the lead] Lucky Day's pulling ahead!

Oscar

Sweet! I'm getting tired just thinking about all that money! [Sykes laughs]

Look at Lucky Day go!

We're moving on up! To the East Side!

Absolutely amazing! This looks to be Lucky Day's big day! It's Lucky Day! [Lucky Day speeds up too fast that he trips and accidentally punches himself with his tail, causing him to tumble] Ooh, what happened?!?! Lucky Day is down!

We're moving on up! [they both embrace]

Sykes

To the East Side!

Oscar

NOOOOO!!!!

And here comes Fish Fingers, followed by Sea Biscuit, Yellowtail... and Fish Fingers wins.

Sykes

What happened? Let me see.

Oscar

Wait, wait, wait! I just wanna hold you.

Sykes

Hey, Oscar, get outta my way. Let me see. [sees that Lucky Day has lost]

What a sad day for Lucky Day.

Oscar

Uh, remember your happy place, Sykes.

And that's why they call him the long shot.

Oscar

Yo, that was crazy, right? Who knew? I mean, everything's set, it's a lock, we good to go, we in the money, and he trips underwater. Who in the halibut trips underwater? [Sykes, seething with silent anger, rips the ticket up into small shreds] And by the way, on what?

Sykes

That's it! That's it! I've had it! [puffs up; in a higher pitch] Ernie, Bernie, I want you to find the deepest, darkest hole in the ocean, and when you do, dig deeper, and put him in it!? [invertedly pops a fish's balloon, causing her to scream. Oscar is tied and gagged with a seaweed and thrown into a whale's mouth] Sorry, kid. It's nothing personal. It's just business. [Ernie closes the whale's mouth. Cut to the Oscar is bound and gagged with seaweed while Ernie and Bernie stings him for fun]

🎵 Don't worry / About a thing / 'Cause every little thing / Is gonna be all right. 🎵

Ernie

This is how you sing it, Oscar.

Bernie

Yeah.

Ernie

Sykes, he like you, mon.

Bernie

He say take it easy on you.

Ernie

But Sykes is not here. [laughs]

Bernie

True. Ernie, let me ask you a question.

Ernie

Yeah, mon? Go on.

Bernie

Why is it that me locks can sting other people, but they do not affect me or you? [zaps Ernie, who screams] Ernie! I didn't mean it, Ernie! I didn't mean it, mon! [Ernie laughs and points at Bernie] Ernie, you made a joke! Good one, mon! Respect!

Ernie

Respect!

Bernie

Bloodfire!

Lenny

Frankie, you know I can't do this.

Frankie

Lenny, if you want to make Pop happy, you've got to kill something.

Lenny

Or, I could find an old, sick fish and just wait.

Frankie

It's getting around, the other day at the restaurant, you know how fish talk. Biddi-bip, biddi-bop, this-that, the other, then how you doing? Boom! Forget about it, ya dead.

Lenny

Okay, seriously, I can't understand wise-guy, so you're gonna have to be specific.

Frankie

Oh specific? You want specific? [smacks him] Be a shark for once in your life!

Lenny

Ow! [downhearted] Oh, what am I going to do?

Frankie

Oh, Lenny, forget it about, okay, look, we do a couple practice runs, badda-bing, badda-boom, Pop's happy, you're a shark, life goes on, capisce?

Lenny

Okay, okay, capisce.

Frankie

Wait, wait... Whoa. Bingo. Right there, dead ahead. You see it? TV Dinner. [the two hunker on the outer border of the divot] Don't get easier than this.

Lenny

All right. Come on. Eye of the tiger. Frankie, I can do this! What if I can't do this?

Frankie

Then don't bother coming home.

Lenny

Good point! All right. [swims to the bottom of the wasteland]

Bernie

Hit him in the tail again. I like the funny face he make.

Ernie

On the face. Yeah.

Bernie

Ernie!

Ernie

BLOW OUT! [they swim away in panic]

Oscar

Uh... Guys? Guys, don't leave me alone. Come on, there could be sharks out here!

Lenny

Oh, no. Wait. I'm sorry. No, no, no. I'm not gonna…

Frankie

Lenny.

Lenny

What?

Frankie

Like this. [makes animalistic chews motions and sounds, Lenny licks Oscar's back, only to recoil in disgust]

Oscar

Just get it over with. Wait a minute. Do me a favor, don't chew me. I'm not for that.

Lenny

I'm not gonna eat you.

Oscar

Come on! Don't do the whole head trip thing with me.

Lenny

Listen to me. Don't move until I tell you. [bites the seaweed free]

Oscar

Ahhh! Back up! [Lenny makes animalistic noises as he fans the sand around him to make a cloud and obscure Frankie's vision]

Frankie

That's it, Len. There you go, buddy! That's it. Wave those fins, baby! Dig in!

Lenny

Look, I'm just pretending so you can get away.

Oscar

Huh?

Lenny

Now, when I turn around, you take off. Tastes just like chicken. [Turns around acting like he has devoured Oscar] Mmm. Mmm.

Frankie

Oh, no! [Lenny looks and notice Oscar is still there.] OH!!!

Lenny

What did I tell you?!

Oscar

I'm sorry. I didn't get it. You want me to go now?!

Lenny

What are you doing?! Just go!

Frankie

That's it! I've had enough to here! [snarls. Having enough of Lenny not eating Oscar, Frankie charged right at Oscar to eat him.]

Oscar

Oh, no!

Lenny

Hurry! Swim! No, Frankie, wait!

Oscar

NO!!! Get you boy! Get you boy! EEF! EEV! OH, NO!

Lenny

Frankie! [bites the chain of the anchor and throws the anchor to the other side]

Frankie

Lenny? [coughs] Lenny, is that you?

Lenny

I'm here, Frankie.

Frankie

Come closer.

Lenny

Yes, what is it?

Frankie

I'm so cold...

Lenny

That's just because we're cold-blooded. [Frankie angrily slaps him] Ow!

Frankie

Moron. [dies]

Lenny

Frankie, no.... [gasps, wailing] NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [sobs] This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Frankie! How am I ever gonna explain this to Pop...? [gasps] Oh, no! [tearfully swims away and passes Oscar, who squeaks and lands in front of the now-deceased Frankie]

Oscar

Watch it! Back up! I'm crazy! I be tripping! [makes karate moves and noises until he accidentally kicks Bernie]

Bernie

Ow! What the...?! [Oscar, Ernie, and Bernie start screaming loudly; Oscar hides behind the dead Frankie, protesting]

Bernie

Don't hurt us! We're sorry! It was all Ernie's idea! [Ernie nods, then looks at Bernie angrily. Then they were surprised]

Ernie

Oscar?

Bernie

Did you kill that shark?!

Oscar

Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Exactly how it looks; that's how it is.

Bernie

What happened?

Oscar

Oh, you... You want to know what happened.

Bernie

Yeah.

Ernie

You're standing on top of a shark. Go on, Mon.

Oscar

Well, I'll tell you what happened. [Cut to the outside of the Whale Wash, as Oscar tells lies to the fish about killing the shark]

Oscar

Big old shark, about 75, 100 feet long. So, he's swimming at me, right? With teeth like razors.

Angie

Razors.

Oscar

And I was all like, "You come at me like that? You come at the O like that?"

Angie

Hey, do the muscle thing! The muscle thing!

Oscar

Oh, right, right, right, right. So I told that dude, I said, "You see this guy?" [points at right bicep] And I pointed like this, "Well, he's got a brother, and he lives right over here." [points at left bicep] "And I think it's time for a little..."

Family reunion! [Everyone cheers]

Bernie

You see, mon. I told you.

Ernie

We were right there. Right here.

Katie Current

Pardon me. Move it!

Bernie

Oh. Sorry. Sorry. She seems so nice on TV.

Katie Current

Oscar, Katie Current. As the first fish in history to ever take on a shark and win, tell me: Does this mean you're now protector of the reef, new sheriff in town, the big kahuna?

Oscar

Katie, I'm gonna keep it real. I can call you Katie, right?

Katie Current

Of course.

Oscar

Any shark try to mess around in Oscartown is going down! [crowd cheering]

Oscar

Yeah, it's poetic. In the heat I get poetic.

Lola

Oscar. Hmm. Oscar.

Sykes

Get out of here, you barracudas. Any further questions will be fielded by me.

Katie Current

And you are?

Sykes

I'm his manager. Sykes, with a "y".

Crazy Joe

And I'm his financial advisor. [everyone turns confused to Joe] You want to see my puppets? [raspy voice] Hello.

Oscar

Could you excuse us for a moment, please? [to Sykes in a hushed tone] My manager?

Sykes

Kid, you're a superstar. We're gonna make a fortune! Just let me handle it.

Oscar

What about the 5 Gs?

Sykes

Forget the 5 Gs. From now on, we're partners.

Oscar

So what are we talking about here?

Sykes

I'm thinking 90-10 split.

Oscar

That's generous.

Sykes

You're the I'm 10 I take my 90 off the top.

Oscar

I don't think so.

Sykes

Talk to me.

Oscar

You get 15.

Sykes

70.

Oscar

20.

Sykes

75.

Oscar

Dude, you're going the wrong way.

50/50.

Sykes

You happy?

Oscar

No. You happy?

Sykes

No.

Deal. [They dap one another up successfully]

Oscar

My manager and I are now prepared to take your questions.

Katie Current

Oscar, are you going to continue working here at the Wash?

Oscar

Please, I barely work here now. [everyone laughs]

Sykes

Keep it up, kid. You're slaying 'em.

Katie Current

No. He's slaying sharks.

Sykes

Hey, that's good. That's good, I like that. Oscar the Sharkslayer.

Whoa! A sharkslayer.

Katie Current

You heard it here first. From now on, any shark tries to bother this reef, it's his funeral.

Here he is. The Sharkslayer. [Mary J. Blige: "Got to Be Real"]

Oscar

Let's get this party started right!

Sykes

There he is, the big O.

Oscar

Sykes.

Sykes

Pound that dog. Pound it. [dancing awkwardly] Oscar, raise the reef. Raise the reef, buddy.

Oscar

Uh, yeah...

Sykes

Oh, yeah. Hot.

Oscar

Yeah, that's pretty...

Sykes

Come on, cabbage patch. Cabbage patch.

Oscar

Angie, you made it.

Angie

Wait, you're gonna break my gift.

Oscar

Come on. You didn't have to get me anything. What'd you get me?

Angie

What does every bachelor pad need?

Oscar

A lava lamp? How did you know I love lava lamps? You know what, I'm gonna put it right here next to my other one. [the other lava lamp in question is massive and green] Hey, come on, Ang. I wanna show you the best thing about this place. [staring out at the rest of the reef] How great is this view?

Angie

Top of the reef. It's amazing.

Oscar

I know. It's beautiful, right?

Angie

Like you...r new apartment. It's... Wow. Awesome. What I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you.

Oscar

Yeah. It was nothing, really, you know. Hey... Hey, oh, you know what, wait right here. Don't move. I'll be right back. Girl, you are gonna flip.

Oscar

I'm back.

Angie

You're back.

Oscar

You know, Ang...Where I am now, this whole new life I got, and all my dreams coming true... In a weird kinda way, I never could have done it without you.

Angie

Oh, sure you could. Well, probably not. [chuckles]

Oscar

Ang. Here. [he pulls out a box]

Angie

Oh! Oscar!

Oscar

I know. I know. I'm just sorry that it took so long.

Angie

That's okay.

Oscar

Bam! Huh?

Angie

My grandmother's pearl.

Oscar

With interest! Now, I don't forget anything, and I never forget who my friends are. Ang, I...

Lola

Oh, hi. I'm not interrupting something, am I?

Angie

Yes, we're talking.

Oscar

No. Hey, Lola. Wow. You're here. You, er, you gotta come best my meet friend, Angie. Uh, uh, eat my best men, Wangie...?

Lola

Your best friend? Oh, that's sweet. So you won't mind if I steal him for a while, will you? [they enter the penthouse again] So, look who's a somebody after all.

Oscar

Well, you know...

SHARKS! THE SHARKS! ON THE- ON THE EDGE OF THE REEF! THEY'RE GREAT WHITES! [Everyone panics]

Oscar

EVERYONE, GO HOME! SPEND THE LAST FEW HOURS Y'ALL HAVE WITH EACH OTHER! [everyone stops screaming and looks at him with a belief pauses out] Oh...! I mean...that's how it used to be around here...but not since Oscar came to town!

Oscar

So, Lola, baby, just wait here and I'm gonna be right back. I'm gonna go take care of these sharks.

Sykes

Go get 'em, tiger.

Oscar

Woo! Biceps, triceps.

All right, Oscar.

Go get 'em, Oscar.
[Oscar goes to the elevator and growls, but the elevator closes, prompting the random fish that already panicked earlier to burst out sobbing, meanwhile, two sharks search for Lenny.]

Lenny! Where the heck is he? LENNY!

Hey. What are you doing? There's a sharkslayer out here. You wanna be next?

Oh, yeah. [whispers] Lenny?
Shark #2 [sighs]

Lenny!?

Oscar

Phew, that was close.

Lenny

Super close. [in fear, Oscar looks up to see him above] Don't panic. [Oscar looks down, and is about to screams but his mouth is covered] Quiet, a-bup-bup! We're safe.

Oscar

Oh, not you again!

Lenny

Yeah. [suddenly] AHH WHAT WAS THAT?!

Oscar

Oh, what is with you, man?!

Lenny

Shh! He could be anywhere!

Oscar

Who?

Lenny

The Sharkslayer...

Oscar

There's no Sharkslayer around here.

Lenny

Tchee-he-ha-ha. Yes, there is!

Oscar

Tchee-he-ha-ha. No, there is not! Trust me on this one.

Lenny

Get a hold of yourself, man! This is no time to act crazy!

Oscar

Hey, you're the one acting crazy, crazy!

Lenny

You're right. I'm sorry. I haven't been myself since the... the, uh... Don't cry. [cries in anguish]

Oscar

No, no, it's not all that. Just relax.

Lenny

It's my fault...! Kinda... not really... but still. My brother...!

Oscar

You just need a little time, man. Look, the...things'll work out.

Lenny

You think?

Oscar

Yeah. So, look, I'm gonna take off...And you should just go home, Okay?

Lenny

Okay.

Oscar

Hey, good luck, dawg.

Lenny

Wait!

Oscar

What, man?

Lenny

Uh, I didn't catch your name.

Oscar

Gngh, Oscar!

Lenny

I'm Lenny, hi!

Oscar

Hi.

Lenny

Where... where do you live?

Oscar

Lenny, where I'm from, fish don't like getting grabbed by sharks, okay?

Lenny

I'm sorry.

Oscar

Now, go home!

Lenny

There is no home for me anymore, don't you understand that?!

Oscar

You're too big to be grabbing on me like that!

Lenny

Take me home with you!

Oscar

Shh!

Lenny

You won't even notice I'm there, I'm like the invisible shark! [he covers his eyes then uncovers them as Oscar looks at him increduosly]

Oscar

ARE YOU CRAZY?!

Lenny

Please. I'm begging you. Don't leave me alone.

Yo! Put your fins on the wall where I can see 'em.

Gotcha.

Oscar

Hey. Yo, The Shorties.

Oscar.

Oscar

What y'all doing here?

Check out my mad burner.

Whoop, there it is.

How ya like that?

Oscar

Hey, y'all kids got some skills.

It's wild style, dude.

Oscar

What did I tell you? You kids shouldn't be doing this. And besides, it's not safe to be out here at night.

It is now, bro-bro. You the Sharkslayer.

Yeah, bro-bro.

Lenny

Sharkslayer?

What was that?

Oscar

Sometimes I be coughing for nothing. I need you off these streets, seriously. Get your butts home. I'll tell your moms y'all doing bad stuff.

Let's go make Mr. Sykes puff up.

Yeah. Bye, Oscar.

See ya later, dude.

Oscar

Lenny. Did you see what just happened there?

Lenny

I know. [laughing] They think you're the Sharkslayer. As if! [cackles]

Oscar

I don't appreciate your funky tone, actually.

Lenny

No, wait up. Hey. I'm sorry, seriously. I don't want you mad at me, and I certainly don't want you to :[s****] slay me.

Oscar

You're having a good time? You're enjoying yourself? [Lenny laughs uproariously] Well, for your information, I am the Sharkslayer; Oscar the Sharkslayerer!, that's what people say.

Lenny

Wait. You mean you...?

Oscar

Uh-huh.

Lenny

When the anchor... [gasps dramatically before smirking] Oh, you're a liar!

Oscar

What? [scoffs] Please, I didn't lie! [Lenny gives him an "Oh, really?" glare] All right, I lied. But it was a little lie! Come on, who's it gonna hurt anyway? Man, I'm not explaining myself to you. You're on your own.

Lenny

No problem. And if, God forbid, someone should, I don't know, find out the truth about the Sharkslayer on my way back...

Oscar

You wouldn't.

Lenny

I would.

Oscar

Come here. Of course you can come with me. But, you know, you're a shark, right? And I'm a Sharkslayer, so we can't be seen together. You dig, dog?

Lenny

Dig. Dog. Dog dig. Dig dog. Yeah, yo diggy dog.

Oscar

Just come on.

Oscar

Okay, Lenny. Follow my every move, and don't make a sound.

Lenny

You got it. [echoes] Oh an echo. [a little louder] Echooo! Now batting for the Southside Sharks #15-- [Oscar slaps him] Ow! It's not okay to hit!

Oscar

Get your tail in there.

Lenny

Do you think anybody heard that?

Crazy Joe

Who was that? Who? Hey. Who's out there?

Oscar

Yo. Crazy Joe.

Crazy Joe

I thought I heard something. Did you get that shark?

Oscar

You have no idea, Joe.

Crazy Joe

That's great. Well, gotta go. My show's on.

Oscar

All right. We're safe. For now.

Lenny

Hey, a bed. Oh, yeah, that's good. That's heaven, yeah. Snuggly, buggly, wuggly. I love you, man.

Oscar

Whoa. Hold up.

Lenny

You're my new best friend.

Oscar

Stop it. Okay, you wanna be friends? Fine. But we gotta lay down some rules. Rule number one: No snuggly, buggly... Whatever that just was.

Lenny

You got it. Anything else?

Oscar

Rule number two, and this is the most important rule. In the event that possibly you get hungry...

Lenny

Don't worry, I won't eat anyone. If you haven't noticed, I'm different from other sharks. Let's put it that way, leave it at that. Good night.

Oscar

Define "different".

Lenny

You'll laugh.

Oscar

I'm not gonna laugh.

Lenny

That's what you say, and then what happens later? You laugh.

Oscar

Lenny, I give you my word.

Lenny

Okay, I will tell you. I'm... I'm a vegetarian.

Oscar

Hold up. So that's it?

Lenny

What do you mean, that's it? You're the first fish I ever told. I'm tired of keeping it a secret. And my dad, he'll never accept me for who I am. What's wrong with me?

Oscar

Nothing is wrong with you, man. I think all sharks should be like you.

Lenny

God, that's sweet of you to say.

Oscar

And stop blaming yourself for what happened.

Lenny

Really?

Oscar

If you wanna blame anybody, blame me. If I hadn't been there in the first place, none of this would've happened.

Lenny

Gee, if Pop knew that, he'd ice you for sure.

Oscar

"Ice..." What's he, the Godfather or something?

Lenny

Yeah.

Oscar

What do you mean "Yeah"?

Lenny

Yeah, he is. [Oscar realizes this and gulps in fear as the background spins behind him] Hey. Are you alright? [Then the background drops backwards to the ground, and the shark from Oscar's right gobbles him up. We pull back as it was revealed to be the video games that Ernie and Bernie are playing video games]

Bernie

Oh, man. I told you.

Ernie

I'm doing it.

Bernie

X, circle, X, X, double left, square, right trigger down-down, square-square.

Ernie

Oh, double square! Respect.

Bernie

Respect.

Oscar

Sykes.

Bernie

Hey, Oscar.

Oscar

Oh! Hey, Sykes.

Sykes

Hey, hey, hey. There he is, my brother, my player, the Sharkslayer!

Oscar

Yeah, whatever, Sykes, listen...

Sykes

Oh, and another thing: from now on, you're gonna have to start paying ME protection!

Oscar

Sykes, the deal is off. That shark I killed was Don Lino's son.

Sykes

I know! Ain't it great?

Oscar

Not if he finds out!

Sykes

What do you mean, "find out"? I've got him on the phone right now! [Oscar's eyes widen in fear] That's right, Lino. I've got the Sharkslayer right here in front of me.

Oscar

Mm-mm! Mm-mm!

Sykes

And he's gonna slay you, and all your sharks.

Oscar

Sykes, shut up! SHUT... UP!

Sykes

Hey, hey, that's good. That's good, I like that! Shut up, Lino! Ha! SHUT UP! [Oscar groans] What? Oh, kid, he wants to talk to you.

Oscar

No. I'm not here. I'm not here!

Sykes

Yeah, he's right here. [hands Oscar the phone]

Oscar

Hello?

Don Lino

"Shut up"? "Shut up"?! You don't tell ME "shut up", I tell YOU "shut up"! [As he talks, beeping is heard on the other side of the phone] What? Hello?

Luca

Yeah, how ya doing? Lemme have a pie with everything on it. Anchovies, meatballs, mushrooms-

Don Lino

Luca?

Luca

Oh, hi, Boss. What are you doing working at a pizza joint?

Don Lino

GET OFF THE PHONE!!!

Luca

But I'm hungry! [reluctantly hangs up]

Don Lino

My guys are coming for you, Sharkslayer! They're gonna tear you FIN FROM FIN! [slams the phone down in a rage, leaves Oscar frozen with horror]

Sykes

Come on, now who's your puff daddy, huh? Who takes care of you, huh? Huh? [turns to Ernie and Bernie play the Sharkslayer video game] Come on, you two. We've got work to do. [turns off the TV]

Ernie

Aww! Mon, I was winning!

Oscar

Sykes, Sykes, hold - Look, you've got it all wrong!

Sykes

They're gonna write songs about you, kid. [sings] Oh, the shark bites...

Oscar

Sykes!

Sykes

With his teeth, dear.

Oscar

Sykes, please!

Sykes

And then Oscar...

Oscar

Sykes!

Sykes

Kicked his butt. [The elevator closes in Oscar's face]

Oscar

Sykes! Sykes, man! [attempts to open the elevator] Come on!

Lola

Maybe I can help.

Oscar

Ooh. Hey, Lola, what are you doing here? Just.. you're popping out sometimes places.

Lola

Well, you said to wait, so... I've been waiting. [Music plays "Can't Wait" by Avant]

Oscar

Look, I don't have a lot of time for the hand-clappy making-the-lights-go-off music-playing-in-the-dark thing.

Lola

What are you afraid of?

Oscar

Afraid... [laughs] Yeah, that's funny. I ain't afraid of nothing, it's just... Ooh.

Lola

Oh, baby, you are so tense.

Oscar

Yeah, I've been stressed lately, you know, protecting the reef. I do that by myself, you know. It's just crazy.

Lola

It's too much, it's piling up...

Oscar

Yeah, you know, one thing on top of the other. Actually, I was thinking about retiring.

Lola

You don't want to do that.

Oscar

I don't?

Lola

You have worked your way to the top. You don't want to go back to the bottom, do you?

Oscar

No. No way.

Lola

You just show 'em who's boss and those sharks will leave you alone.

Oscar

Yeah, you're right. Lenny.

Oscar

Psst! Lenny? Where are you? [Oscar sneaks back to the storage room]

Angie

Hello, Oscar.

Oscar

Angie! Hey! W-what are you doing here?

Angie

What, Oscar, forget something?

Oscar

W-W-Well, I-I-I—

Angie

Maybe your forgot... [slams the door, revealing Lenny behind it] ...your shark?!

Lenny

Hi.

Oscar

Uh...SHARK! SWIM, ANGIE! I'LL COVER YA! Quick, before it's too late! YOU GO ON WITHOUT ME!

Angie

Oh, stop it! Your pet shark told me everything!

Oscar

Dang, Lenny?! Why would you do that?!

Lenny

I don't know! I like her!

Angie

Thanks you too. [then furiously to Oscar] WHAT were you THINKING, bringing him here?!

Oscar

Well...I just… I'm still working out the kinks...

Angie

Kinks?! You LIED! Everybody thinks you "slayed the shark!"

Oscar

Who am I to tell them that they're wrong?

Angie

How could you lie to me, Oscar?! ME?!

Oscar

Don't take it personally! Come on, I lied to EVERYBODY! [Angie glares at him] All right, I totally betrayed you, but but listen, I-I got just one little problem I got to take care of.

Angie

Oh, what's that?

Oscar

SHARKS are COMING to GET ME!!

Angie

And they should! I mean, what did you expect? You just take credit for killing a shark and then everything would be fine and dandy for the rest of your life?!

Oscar

Uh...yeah. But don't worry. Me and Lenny got it, we're gonna fix it...

Lenny

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's with the "we"? I don't want any part of this!

Oscar

Hey, too late now, veggie boy. They'll be looking for you, too!

Lenny

Point taken. What's the plan?

Angie

OSCAR! Here's the plan. You tell the truth. [to Lenny] And you, go home. [Oscar and Lenny both stare at each other and then they both laugh]

Oscar

All right, look, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna paint you up all bloody. Just a mess, right? Then you gonna swim out and meet the sharks before they get here. And you're gonna say, "Stop. Don't y'all. Don't go no farther! That Sharkslayer's crazy, man!" "He beat me senseless. He's a stone-cold killer, man!" Then you could tell 'em I'm huge. Tell 'em I'm handsome. Throw that in, say I'm buff.

Angie

You are going way too far.

Lenny

Actually, he hasn't gone far enough.

Oscar

Exactly. What?

Lenny

You need to slay a shark, and I need to disappear. Here's what we're gonna do...

Katie Current

Katie Current, reporting live. We've had unconfirmed reports of a...

Shark! [Lenny hums Theme From Jaws]

Oscar

# Da-da-da

Katie

Look. It's the Sharkslayer!

Katie

Holy mackerel. Did we get that?

Hey, Ang. Oscar's on the TV.

Oscar

Show me that. Go ahead with your bad self.

Oscar

Do you hear them, Lenny?! They are going crazy, man! They love us!

Lenny

They love you. They hate me!

Oscar

What?!

Lenny

Can we switch sides? Maybe I can be the Fishslayer! They'll never see it coming!

Oscar

Come on, man! Look. You sell this, you'll never have to go home again! You could start a new life! [Lenny nods his head understandingly] Now gimme a growl!

Lenny

Okay. [purrs; he then clears his throat and roars loudly in Oscar's face] Like that?

Oscar

That was... pretty good! Let's ho.

Luca

This reef is huge. How we supposed to find the Sharkslayer? [the sharks hearing Lenny screams.]

Oscar

This is it, Lenny. Big finish. Just like we practiced.

Lenny

The flying fish?

Oscar

The flying fish.

Oscar

A little help here, buddy boy.

Lenny

Sorry.

Oscar

Thank you. [Lenny standing up, but Oscar starts spinning around, and throws at the TV screen on the building, screams in slow motion, falling down.]

Lenny

CURSE YOU, SHARKSLAYEEEERER!!! [Lenny falls in the mist, screams then banging the pipe door and Lenny snorts, makes crashing sound] Ow!

Oscar, you fool! You Lenny defeat and gonna get you!

Oscar

NO, I'M NOT FOOL!!!! Yeah. And you tells Don LAME-O's it be dangerous that I don't never, ever, ever, ever, OR NEVER *AGAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN* AND I DO YOU WANT TO SEE ANOTHER SHARKS IN THIS REEF AGAIN!!! EVERS! [they swim away in fears] Remember this name: OSCAR THE SHARKSLAYER! [The crowd cheers]

Sykes

You see? You see? [crowd chants, Lenny swims through the pipe.] Oscar! Oscar!

Katie Current

Yay!

# Oscar, boom bye-ay # Oscar, boom bye-ay

Oscar

Look at Oscar. # Oscar, boom bye-ay #Oscar, boom bye-ay Woo! Hey... Lola. [Lola kissing Oscar.]

Katie Current

Seems The Sharkslayer not only conquered a few sharks today, but maybe a few hearts? Has the reef's most eligible bachelor been snapped up? I'm Katie Current, here live, watching the Sharkslayer makin' out.

Lenny

Hey, Angie, can you hand me the blue 1? Thank you.

Oscar

Look who stepped in the room! [laughs]

Lenny

Yeah!

Oscar

Oscar and Lenny. What a team, baby. Give me that, give me some fin.

Lenny

High fin. Low fin.

Oscar

Yo, did you see me? I was like... [makes kung fu noises] I was crazy.

Lenny

When you punched me, and the crowd was...

Oscar

Yeah, they ate it up. You didn't know I had it in me, did you? It was like an Oscar-splosion.

Lenny

How good was I?

Oscar

Oh, you was the bomb!

Lenny

Thank you. Thank you. And hey, hey, hey, Casanova! I saw your big finish on the news. Nice smooch, lover boy. [winks at Oscar]

Oscar

lxnay on the iskay, man. That's private. [After Angie sees Oscar kissing Lola]

Angie

PRIVATE?! The entire reef saw you do it!

Oscar

Hey, whoa. Somebody's in a bad mood. Come on, Ang, lemme see that smile. Show me the smile, baby—

Angie

Knock it off!

Oscar

Eh... What has gotten into you?

Angie

ME?! Oh, I swear, sometimes, I wanna take your big, dumb, dummy head and just... [punches her hand] Nnnyyyahh!!!

Oscar

Ang, Ang, what is the problem?

Angie

Problem?! There's no problem! I don't have any problem! Miss Perfect is the one with the problem!

Lenny

Um, hey, you guys.

Oscar

What you got against Lola?

Angie

Not my lips. That's for sure.

Oscar

Okay. What's going on?

Lenny

Uh, I'm gonna stay out of this one.

Oscar

Look, why would you even care about Lola anyway?

Angie

I don't!

Oscar

You don't?

Angie

No!

Oscar

No what?!

Angie

I don't know!

Lenny

Hey guys, you wanna get...

NOOOOO!!!

Angie

Just tell me, Oscar, 'cause I'm curious - why do you think she's interested, huh? Do you think for one minute that she would even be with you if you weren't the rich and famous Sharkslayer?

Lenny

Oh, you guys, please don't fight.

Angie

Are you that blind?!

Oscar

At least she treats me like I'm somebody!

Angie

Yeah, but would she love you if you were nobody?!

Oscar

NOBODY LOVED ME WHEN I WAS NOBODY!!!

Angie

I DID!!! [Oscar is stunned; sadly swims her back on him] Before the money... and before the fame. [turns back to Oscar] Before the lie. To me, you were somebody, Oscar. Now you're nothing but a fake. A sham. A con. You're a joke. [Oscar felt hurt at Angie's words, Angie looked down]

Lenny

Here I come... [pops out from behind the curtains] Tah-dah! [singsong] Sebastian the Whale-Washing Dolphin! [mimics dolphin clicks, but looks at them when calming down]

Oscar

Angie...

Angie

No, forget it! Just go! 'Cause I'm tired of hearing how everything you had in your life wasn't good enough. Including me. [Oscar then sadly swims away]

Lenny

Angie?

Angie

Oh, honey, I'm...I'm sorry. Go...Go back and do it again.

Lenny

Hey, come on. [wipes her tears away] It'll be okay.

Oscar

You can't handle the truth. You've got Shark Breath. [Oscar on TV screen eating the mint, word saying with ding sounds: " 'O' mints, on the next one, drinking the soda bottle, "Coral Cola" choir singing "Get Real", the fish kids playing the bubbles.]

Mrs. Sanchez

What you kids doing? How many times I have to tell you? It's past your bedtime. Go on.

Crazy Joe

Hey. What are you kids up to? That looks pretty good. You guys should do this for a living. [back in Oscar's Apartment, going outside, Oscar saw the whale.]

Whale

Preparation "O". It slays hemorrhoids like Oscar slays sharks. Hey, Oscar. Preparation O.

Oscar

Angie was right. I am a joke.

Lola

Hey, Sharkslayer. Why are you out here? All your friends are inside.

Oscar

Not all my friends.

Lola

You mean that little bottom feeder from the Whale Wash? Forget about her. She's a nobody.

Oscar

No, I'm the nobody.

Lola

Oh, let me guess. She told you that she loves you. Is that it? [laughs] It's not like you feel the same way about her. [laughs]

Oscar

You know what, I don't think this is gonna work out.

Lola

Wait. Are you dumping me? [Oscar sadly nods, but gasps as she gives him a livid glare] Let me explain something to you. [Cut to inside]

Sykes

We're gonna party like it's your birthday... [they suddenly hear a thudding sound and see Lola whacking Oscar against the windows with a thunk] Ha! Young love. [he and the other partygoers laugh. Lola angrily slams Oscar one more time and sulks away. Oscar slowly slides down, his saliva leaves an impression of a heart implanted on the window. The Four Tops: "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)"]

Lenny

Hey, Oscar!

Oscar

Hey, I can't talk. I gotta find Angie. I need to tell her... I love her!

You come and you go...

Way to go, Oscar.

Bernie

Whale Wash, where you get a whale of a wash and the price...

Ernie

Gimme the phone. [grabs the phone] And the price is...very, very low. Considering how good the wash is!

Sykes

Look, look, look! For the last time, it's "gosh". "Whale Wash: You get a whale of a wash, and the price - Oh, my gosh"!

Ernie

Got it. [phone rings] Whale Wash...

Bernie

Rhymes with "gosh". [Bernie and Ernie laugh]

Sykes

That's it! Get outta here! Go be useless somewhere else! [Bernie and Ernie swim away]

Oscar

Sykes, where's Angie?

Sykes

You tell me. Whale Wash, you get a whale of a wash... It's for you.

Sykes

Will you stop screwing around? This'll never work. We're dead. We're dead!

Oscar

Thank you, Sykes. Thank you. My man Sykes just begged me not to murder-lise all y'all up in here, all right. Now, I might listen to him, but then again I might not. And that depends on the individual behavior of all the individuals in here, individually. Ain't that right?

Look, he's got dolphin muscle.

My uncle Vito got whacked by one of those.

Oscar

All right. Now which one of you sardines called this meeting?

Don Lino

That would be me. So, this is the Sharkslayer. I've been looking forward to meeting you. I feel like we're practically family. You know that? Funny, ain't it? I brought my kids into the world, full of love and care, and you took them out. You know who I am? Do you know who I am? I'm the Don. The boss of the Great White Sharks.

Luca

Hey, Boss, I saved you a seat.

Don Lino

I've been running this reef since before you was born. And if you thought a guy like me can't get to a guy like you... Guess what? You thought wrong. [He lifted up the cover to reveal the gagged Angie.]

Oscar

Pfft! Man, you the one who's wrong. I barely even know that girl. What's your name, miss?

Angie

ANGIE!

Lola

Oh, yeah? Well, I say he's bluffing.

Marone, if I wasn't married.

Don Feinberg

How ya doing, pretty lady?

Oscar

Lola. We meet again.

Lola

You know, Sharkslayer, there's only one thing I like better than money. Revenge.

Oh! I'm in love.

Don Lino

Your sharkslaying days are over. And there ain't nothing you can do about it. [Oscar laughs. Lenny and Sykes laugh]

Don Lino

Huh? What's so funny?

Luca

Ow.

Oscar

You got nothing. Nothing! Sebastian, take her out. [As commanded, Lenny swoops down and "eats" Angie. Oscar hums U Can't Touch This]
Can't touch this.
Can't touch this.
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh Stop. Oscar time. [After Lenny "eats" Angie] Okay, new rules. Nobody, I repeat, nobody, makes a move without my OK. I am the Panama Canal, baby. From now on, everything [places a spoon on Giuseppe's nose] flows through me.

Heh?! What'd he do?! What'd he do?! I can't see it!

Oscar

You don't lose a tooth, you don't grow one back without my okay, okay?

Okay. [The swordfish sneezes, stuck to the table]

Oscar

If you sneeze, you don't wipe that boogie without my okay, okay?

Okay.

Oscar

And you don't say "okay" without my okay! Okay?! [one of the orcas faints, Lenny starts gagging]

Sykes

Uh-Oh. Okay, thank you all for coming. We gotta go.

Oscar

Oh, and one more thing. What is with all y'all living in the Love Boat?

Sykes

Oscar...

Oscar

Y'all are supposed to be the mob. Get yourselves a real hideout.

Lenny

Oscar?

Oscar

And take a good look, Lino. It's over. You're old school...!

Oscar!

Oscar

What?! [Lenny makes a last gag and retches out Angie, a violin, a sidewalk sweeper, a radio box and a Louisiana's car license plate]

Lenny

The horror! THE HORROR! [one of the sharks eats the Louisiana's license plate; retches out a beach ball]

Oscar

Um, excuse me. [swims over to Angie] Ang, are you okay?

Angie

No, I am not okay! He ate me!

Lenny

I couldn't take it. The taste was killin' me!

Don Lino

Lenny? Is that you? You're alive? [hugs Lenny] I thought I lost you. [noticed his disguise] What are you wearing? Huh? What is that? [Dejected, Lenny takes off his black and yellow scarf, then scrubs his nose with his sponge and takes off the red rubber band. The sharks gasps in assortment]

Luca

Hey, Boss, it's Lenny, he was wearing a disguise so we couldn’t recognize him, but now he's not wearing a disguise, so we do recognizing him.

Lenny

Hi, Pop...

Don Lino

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, are you out of your mind?! Do you have any idea how this looks?!

This is the best sit down I ever been to.

Don Lino

What are you doing with this guy?! He took out your own flesh and blood, Frankie!

Lenny

But Pop, just listen...

Don Lino

But nothing! You never take sides against the family! Ever?!

Oscar

Hey, Don Lino, sir. Listen, it's not his fault. This is between you and me.

Don Lino

What did I ever do to YOU?! You took Frankie away, and you turned Lenny into a dolphin! [turns furiously] I'M GONNA GET YOU! [Oscar shrieks, Don Lino starts chasing him]

Angie

Oscar, look out!!!

Lenny

Oscar, swim! [opens the door] Swim for your life! [Don Lino gets wedged in a porthole while chasing Oscar]

Don Lino

You're gonna regret the day you became the Sharkslayer!

Shrimp

Well, well, well...look who's stuck in the porthole.

Don Lino

Huh?

Shrimp

You still hungry, big guy? Well, say hello to my little friends! [A bunch of shrimps appear and attack Lino]

Bernie

Try again.

Ernie

Hello, Sykes' Whale Wash; And the price... [sees Don Lino chasing Oscar; alarmed] OH MY GOSH!

Bernie

All right. [not knowing] Hey, you got it right! [suddenly sees Don Lino also. They swim away in fear]

Oscar

Move! Everybody out of the way.

Ernie

Blow out!

Shark!

Oscar

Come on, Lino, it's time to clean up your act.

Lenny

Pop, leave him alone!

Oscar

Alright, Lino, games over! [Oscar activates the wash's emergency protocol, and catches...Lenny instead of Lino] Lenny, what are you doing in there?!

Lenny

Sorry.

Oscar

where's Lino? [Lino appears behind Oscar on cue] He's right behind me, isn't he?

Don Lino

You're mine, now! [Oscar screams, starts to chase him] Let's finish this, Sharkslayer.

Oscar

Oh, we're about to.

Thank you for coming to Whale Wash.

Angie

Okay, somebody needs to get me out of the bubble. Today.

Oscar

Angie...

Katie Current

The Sharkslayer does it again. This time, luring two sharks into his death-trap of hygiene.

Oscar

Wait no.

Katie Current

Oscar, you're the somebody everybody wants to be. The top of the food chain. Tell our cameras how it feels to be you.

Oscar

Angie.

Lenny

Oscar, get me outta here, quick. I need a head start to get as far away as possible.

Don Lino

Look what you did to him.

Oscar

It's a big misunderstanding. If you just--

Katie Current

Sharkslayer. Over here! One more question sharkslayer.

Sharkslayer. [in slow motion] Sharkslayer.

Oscar

STOP! I AM NOT A REAL SHARKSLAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRER!!!! [the crowd stops cheering and stares in disbelief, and Angie stops to look back] I lied.

Don Lino

What?

Crazy Joe

And I'm not a real financial adviser!

Oscar

Okay... [to Don Lino] It was an anchor that killed Frankie. I didn't have anything to do with it, and neither did Lenny.

Don Lino

Well then... If that was true, why did you run away?

Lenny

Because you always wanted me to be like Frankie. I'll never be the shark you want me to be.

Oscar

What is your problem?! So your son likes kelp, so his best friend is a fish, so he likes to dress like a dolphin! So what?! Everybody loves him, just the way he is. Why can't you? Don't make the same mistake that I did. I didn't know what I had...until I lost it.

Don Lino

Can you get me outta this, so I can hug my kid, and tell him I'm sorry?

Lenny

Pop.

Don Lino

Come here, you. [hugs Lenny] I love you, son. No matter what you eat, or how you dress.

Angie

Oscar?

Oscar

Angie? Oh, Angie. I wish I knew now what I knew then. I mean...I wish you knew...what I knew...before this...

Crazy Joe

You're blowing it, man!

Oscar

Mind your business, all right?! It's emotional...and it's pressure! [turns back to Angie] What I'm saying is...I didn't need the Top of the Reef. Everything I ever wanted...was right in front of me the whole time.

Angie

But what about being a somebody?

Oscar

I'm a nobody without you. [Angie smiles. Crazy Joe pulls out his puppets making kissing noises] [awkwardly: to Joe] You're not helping. [chuckles]

Angie

Oh. Come here, you big dumb, dummy head! [kisses Oscar]

Sykes

I never told you two this, but you're the best henchmen a guy ever had. Come on, group hug.

Ernie

Sorry, man. Come, Sykes, try again, mon. Don't fret.

Sykes

Forget it. The moment's gone.

Oscar

So, uh, Lino... Uh, Don... We cool, right? I mean, like the reef is safe? Walk the streets, you know, without... aaah! You know.

Don Lino

Yeah, we're cool.

Katie Current

Oscar. Excuse me. You've lost everything you lied so hard to achieve. Tell me, what's next for you?

Angie

Come on, everyone's waiting, Mr. Manager.

Oscar

All right, I just gotta put the finishing touch on my new desk. Love ya, Pop.

Sykes

Yo, dog.

Oscar

Sykes.

Sykes

All right, partner, let's see what you can do.

Oscar

Sykes and Oscar's Whale Wash is now open for business.

Oscar

Yo, E, B. Let's get this party bumping.

Bernie

Yo, yo. It's E and B on the wheels of steel.

Oscar

Yo, Christina. Missy. How about we have a little Oscar-licious fun? Don't try this at home. Warm it up. I be warming it up. Okay, Jimbo, let it go!

Lenny

Hey, Angie, sorry Pop and I are late, but we brought some new customers.

Luca

Hey, how ya doing?

Angie

Wow.

Lenny

OK, guys, come on in.

Sykes

Come on, snap your fin. Snap it. You're not snapping it.

Don Lino

I'm snapping it, I'm snapping it!

Sykes

That's okay, a lot of great whites can't do it, yo.

Don Lino

Yo?

Sykes

Yo, what's up?

Don Lino

What's up with what?

Sykes

Yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo, yo-yo-yo-yo...

Don Lino

Hey, you say "Yo" one more time, and I'm gonna yo you!

Sykes

I'm sorry.

OK, dude, I pimped your hide.

All right.

Don Feinberg

Check me out.

Hey. You think this is funny? What am I, a clown to you?

Oscar

Keep up with me. Don't let me lose ya. You know I'll lose ya.

Lenny

In your face.

Oscar

What you got?

Lenny

You don't want none of this.

Shrimp

You gotta be kidding. Break it down, fellas. You got served.