Alex "Hitch" Hitchens quotes from Hitch (2005)

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away.
Often falsely attributed George Carlin, American comedian[citation needed]

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Begin each day like it was on purpose.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows... but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you're enjoying your life, and the next you're wondering how you ever lived without them.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Basic Principles - no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say "This is a really bad time for me," or something like "I just need some space," or my personal favorite "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? 'Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly "Try harder, stupid," but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

No guile, no game... No girl

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Don't need no pizza. They got food there.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

One dance, one look, one kiss, that's all we get, Albert. Just one shot, to make the difference between "happily ever after" and “Oh? He's just some guy I went to some thing with once.”

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

I'm a guy. Since when do we get anything right the first time?

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Basic principles - there are none.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Do you know the definition of "perseverance," Miss Melas? Continuing in a course of action... without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Begin each day as if it were on purpose.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

With no guile, and no game... there’s no girl

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

I saw that going differently in my mind.

Vance

No, I was told that you help guys get in there.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually *like* women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.

Vance

Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Well, *that* is for damn certain.

Vance

You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?

Vance

Oh, yeah.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this... [he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table]

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

This is more like me saying that I will literally *break your shit off* if you ever touch me again. Mmk, pumpkin?

Albert

You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm, I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Look, you will. Just give it time.

Albert

That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.

Sara

So, you kinda like me, huh?

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

No. I love you

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?

Sara

So life's kind of hard all around.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "**** off" that you have stamped on your forehead.

Alex "Hitch" Hitchens

What you got there?

Albert

This? I figured maybe if my heart stops beating, it wouldn't hurt so much.

Sara

"I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting..."

Hitch

"Into getting out of their own way so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance."

"Please..."

Hitch

"No, no, no. I want -- (gestures at speed dating scene) I want everybody to take a look at this right now. Because this -- this right here -- this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!"

Hitch

Allegra? As in "Allegra Cole"?

Albert

I realize I'm not her usual kinda guy.

Hitch

Well her last boyfriend like... owned Sweden, or something!

Albert

Yeah, and he was a bum.... I mean he didn't seem like a very nice person... to me.

Hitch

You... you swing for the fence!

Hitch

You are flat out, out of your mind, you know that?

Albert

I know.

Hitch

That's good!

Albert

It is?

Hitch

Yeah. You ever heard of Michelangelo? The Sistine Chapel?

Albert

Yeah.

Hitch

Michelangelo. [Gestures towards Albert] The Sistine Chapel.

Albert

Does this mean you can do this?

Hitch

My name's Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.

Hitch

Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?

Sara

So life's kind of hard all around.

Hitch

Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "**** off" that you have stamped on your forehead. because who is going to believe there is a man out there that can sit down beside a woman he doesn't know and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own personal agenda?

Sara

Yeah, I wouldn't even know what that would look like. So what would a guy like that say?

Hitch

Well, he'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant," but she wouldn't be interested in that because she would be just counting the seconds until he left...

Sara

... Thinking he was like every other guy...

Hitch

... Which life experience has taught her is a virtual certainty... but then he'd ask her name, and what she did for a living and she might blow him off, or she might say... ?

Sara

"I'm Sara Melas and I run the gossip column at The Standard." Then he would ask all these penetrating questions about it because he's sincerely, if atypically, interested...

Hitch

No.

Sara

No?

Hitch

He'd be interested... but he would see that there was no way of possibly making her realize, that he was for real.

Sara

Ah...He could be funny, and charming, and refreshingly original.

Hitch

Wouldn't help.

Sara

Don't ya hate it when that happens?

Hitch

Not really... they'd probably both lead the lives they were headed toward, and my guess is... they'd do just fine. It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.

Hitch

So, tell me about her.

Vance

Have you ever met someone, and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you? Not just because of her looks, but that X factor?

Hitch

How'd you meet her?

Vance

Actually, I was in a shop buying pajamas for my mom-

Hitch

And by that, of course, you mean you were buying lingerie for another woman.

Vance

Yes. You can't help where you meet somebody. And the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing... But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about... She's so sweet, funny, Southern. She gives me her number... Now she won't return my phone calls. I don't know what it is about her. I just can't get her out of my mind. You know? Food has lost its taste. Colors, they seem dull. Things that used to matter... I don't know, they just no longer do. I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I... Unless I bang her.

Hitch

...Excuse me?

Vance

You know, bang her. Clear my head. Get in, get off, get out.

Hitch

...I think you may have misunderstood what I do, exactly.

Vance

No, I was told that you help guys get in there!

Hitch

Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually like women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.

Vance

Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.

Hitch

Well, that is for damn certain. And I'm glad you can admit it because generally, that's the hardest part.

Vance

You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.

Hitch

Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?

Vance

Oh, yeah.

Hitch

Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this... [he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table] This is more like me saying that I will literally break your shit off if you ever touch me again. Mmkay, pumpkin?

Sara

My job is to try to find the truth!

Hitch

The truth?! You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head!

Sara

Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy, Vance?

Hitch

...Wow, I don't believe this... That's your source?

Sara

You buried yourself, Alex.

Hitch

Then you weren't listening.

Sara

I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting...

Hitch

... Into getting out of their own way so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance.

Ok...

Hitch

No, no, I want -— [gestures at speed-dating scene] I want everybody to take a look at this right now! Because this — this right here — this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!

Sir, let's go. Now.

Hitch

And Vance Munson is a pig! And I refused to work with him. You need to get your facts right. It's because of jerks like him that I even have a job! Had a job.

Sara

Can you believe that guy?

Casey

Actually... I do.

Hitch

That man would've sold his soul to make you happy!

Allegra

So what does that make you? The Devil?

Hitch

My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole. It's to create opportunities.

Allegra

Like the boardroom.

Hitch

Would you have noticed him otherwise?

Allegra

Yes!

Hitch

Really?

Allegra

Eventually... maybe... how did you know all that stuff about me? Well, you really did your homework... like at boarding school, how everyone would tease me because I couldn't whistle, and telling him to dance like a buffoon knowing I can't dance either, then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt so I'd feel like less of a dork... that was all you... right?

Hitch

No... hell, no!

Allegra

That was him?

Hitch

That's got Albert written all over it.

Allegra

Did you put him up to the inhaler?

Hitch

Stop it... he did not show you that?

Allegra

He chucked it right before he kissed me.

Hitch

So wait... that... that stuff worked for you?

Allegra

It was adorable... what did you do?

Hitch

Nothing... Absolutely nothing.