You know, honestly, I never knew I could feel like this. You know? I swear I'm, I'm going out of my mind. It's like I want to throw myself off of every building in New York. I, I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it because then I'll stop thinking about her.
Look, you will. Just give it time.
That's just it. I don't want to. I mean, I've waited my whole life to feel this miserable. I mean, and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then... well, this is who I have to be.
Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?
So life's kind of hard all around.
Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "**** off" that you have stamped on your forehead.
[about Albert]
That man would've sold his soul to make you happy!
Allegra So what does that make you? The Devil?
My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole. It's to create opportunities.
Allegra Like the boardroom.
Would you have noticed him otherwise?
Allegra Yes!
Allegra Eventually... maybe... how did you know all that stuff about me? Well, you really did your homework... like at boarding school, how everyone would tease me because I couldn't whistle, and telling him to dance like a buffoon knowing I can't dance either, then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt so I'd feel like less of a dork... that was all you... right?
Allegra That was him?
That's got Albert written all over it.
Allegra Did you put him up to the inhaler?
Stop it... he did not show you that?
Allegra He chucked it right before he kissed me.
So wait... that... that stuff worked for you?
Allegra It was adorable... what did you do?
Nothing... Absolutely nothing.
Allegra? As in "Allegra Cole"?
I realize I'm not her usual kinda guy.
Well her last boyfriend like... owned Sweden, or something!
Yeah, and he was a bum.... I mean he didn't seem like a very nice person... to me.
You... you swing for the fence!
Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?
So life's kind of hard all around.
Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "**** off" that you have stamped on your forehead. because who is going to believe there is a man out there that can sit down beside a woman he doesn't know and genuinely be interested in who she is, what she does, without his own personal agenda?
Yeah, I wouldn't even know what that would look like. So what would a guy like that say?
Well, he'd say, "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant," but she wouldn't be interested in that because she would be just counting the seconds until he left...
... Thinking he was like every other guy...
... Which life experience has taught her is a virtual certainty... but then he'd ask her name, and what she did for a living and she might blow him off, or she might say... ?
"I'm Sara Melas and I run the gossip column at The Standard." Then he would ask all these penetrating questions about it because he's sincerely, if atypically, interested...
He'd be interested... but he would see that there was no way of possibly making her realize, that he was for real.
Ah...He could be funny, and charming, and refreshingly original.
Don't ya hate it when that happens?
Not really... they'd probably both lead the lives they were headed toward, and my guess is... they'd do just fine. It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.
Have you ever met someone, and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you? Not just because of her looks, but that X factor?
Actually, I was in a shop buying pajamas for my mom-
And by that, of course, you mean you were buying lingerie for another woman.
Yes. You can't help where you meet somebody. And the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing... But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about... She's so sweet, funny, Southern. She gives me her number... Now she won't return my phone calls. I don't know what it is about her. I just can't get her out of my mind. You know? Food has lost its taste. Colors, they seem dull. Things that used to matter... I don't know, they just no longer do. I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I... Unless I bang her.
You know, bang her. Clear my head. Get in, get off, get out.
...I think you may have misunderstood what I do, exactly.
[taken back]
No, I was told that you help guys get in there!
Right, but see, here's the thing - my clients actually like women. "Hit it and quit it" is not my thing.
Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi, I need professional help.
Well, that is for damn certain. And I'm glad you can admit it because generally, that's the hardest part.
[grabs Hitch by the wrist]
You see what I'm doing? This is what I'm about - power suit, power tie, power steering. People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.
[not intimidated]
Oh! So that's, like, a metaphor?
Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kind of guy. So when I do this... [he reverses the grip, twists Vance's arm back and slams him on the table] This is more like me saying that I will literally break your shit off if you ever touch me again. Mmkay, pumpkin?
You are flat out, out of your mind, you know that?
Yeah. You ever heard of Michelangelo? The Sistine Chapel?
[Gestures towards himself]
Michelangelo. [Gestures towards Albert] The Sistine Chapel.
Does this mean you can do this?
My name's Alex Hitchens. Let's go paint that ceiling.
Spoken like a true cynic. Evan was here
I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist!
Or a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist. What are you doing here? [to the room] What is she doing here?
SHE works here, remember?!
No, she doesn't. Not for another four days. Go home.
Well, this couldn't wait.
Of course it could... what are you doing? Go back to the beach, I don't want you here.
You are becoming a sick workaholic lunatic.. and this is exactly the kind of nervous overwrought behavior that leads to...
... Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.
... A very, very big raise.
"I heard every word. You're a scam artist. You trick women into getting..."
"Into getting out of their own way so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance."
SD Speed Dating Host
"Please..."
"No, no, no. I want -- (gestures at speed dating scene) I want everybody to take a look at this right now. Because this -- this right here -- this is exactly why falling in love is so goddamn hard!"
