[Marcus walks in to the car shop to see Jojo, the tire man, assessing security]
Jojo~! [Jojo sees Marcus and immediately takes off, pursued by Marcus] Aw, don't make this hard, Jo!
Mike Lowrey [Jojo runs into an alley only to be tackled from the side by Mike Lowrey]
Nice running into you, Jojo.
Always making it hard on your self, Jojo.
[Meanwhile outside, in an undercover vehicle, Julie Mott is sitting by herself with her hand cuffed to the steering wheel] [Talking to herself]
Gee, Julie, what have you been up to the last couple days? Nothing. Just hanging out, handcuffed to steering wheels...
[Inside of the car shop...]
We're looking for someone who can step on a shit load of heroin. Do it real fast, real well. We're looking for a real pro.
Jojo I told you already, I'm in the rubber business now.
Jojo...we're not playing, man.
Jojo I'm telling you, I'm straight, man. I'm straight like a board, like an arrow. I'm so straight right now, I'm sick.
It's a lot of dope. Who could cut it real quick?
Jojo "Cut it"? You mean, cut it up? I don't know nothing about it.
Mike Lowrey [Muttering]
I'm so sick of this bullshit.
Mike Lowrey [Mike grabs Jojo and shoves him under the hood of a car while brandishing a pistol on the back of his head]
What's up, Jo?
Jojo You're pulling a gun on me? You guys are cops! I can't believe this! I should turn you in to Hard Copy! Put your ass on the TV set!
Mike Lowrey I got this! Jojo...[**** his weapon] I got fifteen bullets in this gun.
Mike Lowrey I swear, if you don't start talking to me, I'm gonna fill your lying ass full of hot shit. Now, what's up?
Mike, he's a former ganja-smoking ****er. He ain't worth it, for ****'s sake—!
Mike Lowrey [Draws out a second pistol, pointing to Marcus]
Do you want some? I'll bust your ass too!
So sad. [To Jojo] You're on your own, Jojo. [Walks off]
Mike Lowrey [Sticks his second gun behind Jojo]
What's up, Jo?
[Walks back in]
I'm telling you like this. You splatter his ass, he's no good to us! [Walks off to a side alley] **** that. I'm not going down over this shit! I'm not going down, for you to be killing Jojo, the tire man! I don't want no brain fragments on me! That shit gets in your clothes, and it stanks! **** that!
Jojo Okay! I'll tell you what I know.
Jojo [Mike throws Jojo up against the wall with his gun pointed underneath Jojo's chin]
I don't know everything. I only know a little bit.
Jojo [Holds three fingers up]
It's three guys. They got a laboratory—
Jojo [Mike points his second gun at Jojo's head as Jojo lowers his fingers to two]
No...no, it's two guys. One guy died in a plane crash last year. It was **** up, I mean—
There should be more! ****, man!
Jojo [Mike **** his second weapon as Jojo lowers his fingers to one]
It's one guy, really. It's only one guy.
Mike Lowrey Don't **** with me—
Jojo One main guy. This guy's an Einstein—mother**** genius college boy. Egghead mother****er. He got four eyes and glasses. He-got-a-rich-mama-and-daddy-who-live-out-in-Coconut-Grove.
Where!? Tell him again, Jojo! I don't want you to get hurt!
Jojo I'll tell you where he's at.
Mike Lowrey [Marcus falls silent and listens in]
You would do that for us?
Jojo Yeah, I want to help you guys. You stick that gun down. I got the address in the, uh...office...
Mike Lowrey [Lowers his weapon]
Thanks a lot, Jojo. You go grab that.
Jojo Cool.
Mike Lowrey You can go ahead.
Jojo Now?
Mike Lowrey Yeah, now is good. Now is real good.
Jojo Yeah...This is on me too. You guys pick out some whitewalls as a little gift from me to you. [Walks off]
[Snickers at Mike]
You made me think you was gonna shoot me for a minute.
Mike Lowrey [Holstering his weapon]
I was.
[Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowrey walk into a basketball court to meet up with Captain Howard over last night's incident, where Howard is seen shooting the basketball badly by himself.]
Ho! What did I say? Did you hear what I said? I heard what I said 'cause I was standing there when I said it. I told you. I told you to secure a witness. Not to shoot up a neighborhood! Not to do another dead body! Just get the dope back, and do it quietly.
Look, Captain, this whole situation is getting out of control.
You're goddamn right it's getting out of control!
Look, man, I damn near had to pass a pop quiz before she believed I was him.
[Shoots the ball]
Going, it's going...[Missed shot] Shit. A little off.
Mike Lowrey I haven't killed anybody yet today, Captain.
Hey, do you want me to yell at you? 'Cause I can do that. Let me tell you something. This witness—is my only good news I got, okay? The only good news. You guys are bad news. So what does that mean? It means if you have to be Mike Lowrey, Santa Claus, FD Hutton—I don't give a shit, that's what you're gonna be!
Mike Lowrey Wait a minute, what the hell is going on here?
[Missed another shot]
I was getting them all in before you showed up.
Mike Lowrey Can somebody talk to me, please? Can I know what's going on?
Captain, these fools could have gotten a look at my license plate last night.
[Points to Mike]
...His place.
Mike Lowrey What!?
You left her by herself? Our only **** witness?!
Mike Lowrey You left a strange hooker alone in my apartment?!
The girl is not a hooker, as far as I know. See, I had to stash her someplace. Her and her dogs, Luke and Dukie.
Mike Lowrey Oh, so y-you left dogs in my house? There's dogs and a hooker in my house? How about you add some chimps, we can have a carnival.
[Talking over Mike]
I said she isn't a hooker. Can you please—
Mike Lowrey [Talking over Marcus]
Respect my stuff—
Shut up!! For years, Sinclair has been up my ass, trying to pin something on me. I'm always taking it for you. Do it for me! Now, if we can get this witness to IDs our shooters, maybe we catch our bad guys. But until then—until then— [to Marcus] YOU are Mike Lowrey, you be him, that's what you are, you're him—
[Talking over Howard]
But I—
[Talking over Marcus]
You're him—I don't wanna hear it! You're him! [to Mike] And you, you're you, you be you, but...not in front of her. [to Marcus] You're him! [to Mike] You're you! [Takes another shot and misses] ****!
Mike Lowrey Can we get a time-out, Captain? What am I, the designated homeless?
Does it look like I care? Whatever it takes, all right? Whatever it takes. What did she say to you? The shooters are making their drop in four days? So we got four days.
Captain! What kind of plan is that? I can't be shacked up with that woman. I have a family to look after. My wife will kill my ass!
You don't like your job? Quit. [Missed another shot] Damn!
Mike Lowrey Look, I'll stay at the house with Theresa and the kids.
Thank you—Thank you, but no thank you. You wouldn't last five minutes with my family.
Mike Lowrey Please, married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy. [Picks up a basketball]
Yo, man, we ain't the Cosbys.
Mike Lowrey [in position to shoot]
Let's go, I got this.
Mike Lowrey [Mike's shot went in, nothing but net] [Posing]
Everybody wants to be like Mike. [Walks off from the court]
Yeah, and you're going to be retired like him, too.
[Walks off from the court]
I'd have dunked it on your ass...
Mike Lowrey [to the White Carjacker holding a gun to his head]
Let me tell you how bad a day you're having: right now you're jacking a couple of cops.
White Carjacker Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a stand-up comedian. And I suck! That's why I need your car.
Look, now I ain't no Wesley Snipes! I just hang out with stupid ass friends, that drive stupid ass cars, that attract a lot of mother ****in' attention!
Mike Lowrey You know what, I need to jump over this car and smack you in your peasy ass head that's what I need to do.
Well, you know what you're arguin' over a mother ****in' french fry.
Mike Lowrey It's not about the french fry, it's about your lack of respect for other people's property!
White Carjacker Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!
BC Black Carjacker
Shut the **** up!
[to Black Carjacker]
Hold the **** on! [to Mike] You want some bad enough, come get some!
[Marcus suddenly throws coke in the Black Carjacker's face and kicks him in the crotch, while Mike punches the White Carjacker in the face] [Pointing gun at the Black Carjacker, who is on the ground]
You like that shit? Wesley Snipes, "Passenger 57"! Now gimme a mother****in' Handy Wipe!
Mike Lowrey [Pointing gun at the White Carjacker, who is on the ground]
Now let's hear one of those jokes, bitch.
