[Miracle Max inflates Westley's chest with a bellows.]
Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for? [presses on Westley's chest to force the air back out]
[faintly]
Truuuuueee.... looooooovvveee.....
[excited]
True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff," huh? So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated—
[popping out from another room]
Liar! LIAR! LI-A-A-AR!
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!
You never had it so good.
"True love!" He said, "true love," Max! My God—
Don't say another word, Valerie.
[to the others]
He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.
Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck. [begins chasing Max around the house] Humperdinck. Ooo-ooo, Humperdinck!
[holding his hands over his ears]
I'm not listening!
True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Nobody's hearing nothing!
[continues repeating "Humperdinck" at Max]
[simultaneously]
This is Buttercup's true love! If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.
[quiets Valerie]
Wait, wait- I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
[laughs and sings briefly]
That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five. I'm on the job!
[The Man in Black challenges Vizzini to determine which goblet of wine is poisoned.]
But it's so simple! All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You've made your decision then?
Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Truly you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait 'til I get going! [small pause] Where was I?
Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
You're just stalling now.
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
You're trying to trick me into giving away something — it won't work.
It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
I will! And I choose... [points behind the Man in Black and gasps] What in the world can that be?
[Turns to look while Vizzini switches the goblets]
What? Where? I don't see anything.
Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [chuckles]
I'll tell you in a minute, but first, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
[Vizzini and the Man in Black pick up their respective goblets and, after some gesturing by Vizzini, they drink. Vizzini continues to chuckle.] [setting down his goblet]
You guessed wrong.
You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! [laughs openly] You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" [laughs maniacally for a few seconds, then stops abruptly and falls over dead.]
[The Man in Black has come upon Vizzini holding Buttercup hostage with her hands tied, blindfolded, and a dagger at her throat]
So, it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
Then perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her!
But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brain.
[intrigued]
You're that smart?
Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?
Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
For the princess? [the Man in Black nods] To the death? [he nods again] I accept. [re-sheathes his dagger]
Good. Then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine, and the Man in Black pulls out a small vial] Inhale this, but do not touch.
[sniffs]
I smell nothing.
What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. [puts the goblets behind his back and, presumably, adds the poison to one of them, then sets them down in front of him] All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right...and who is dead.
But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool. You would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You've made your decision then?
Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows! And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait till I get going! Where was I?
Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You're just stalling now.
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you! But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Man in Black Then make your choice.
I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be? [points at a rock behind the Man in Black]
What? Where? [when he turns to look, Vizzini swaps the goblets] I don't see anything.
Well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [snickers quietly]
I-I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
[They drink from their goblets] [smirks]
You guessed wrong.
[last words]
You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian WHEN DEATH IS ON THE LINE!" [laughs hysterically, but suddenly freezes mid-laugh and literally drops dead; the Man in Black removes Buttercup's blindfold and unties her hands]
I am no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.
To think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.
[The Man in Black has just challenged Vizzini to a battle of wits for the Princess, to the death.] [hands a small tube to Vizzini]
Inhale this, but do not touch.
[sniffs the tube]
I smell nothing.
What you do not smell is called iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the deadliest poisons known to man.
[The Man in Black takes the two wine goblets and turns away from Vizzini. He returns a moment later and, after shifting the goblets around quickly, sets them down in front of himself and Vizzini. Vizzini smirks again.]
Now, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right, and who is dead.
[Westley and Buttercup are traversing the fire swamp. All the while, Westley is cutting away vines with his sword.]
This will all soon be but a happy memory. Roberts' ship "Revenge" is anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.
But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty years and you only left me five years ago?
I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. You see, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley, I've never had a valet. You can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened.
Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin and told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Then he explained the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. Except, now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?
[nods at Westley, then gives him a confused expression]
[Westley is lying weak on the bed, having just been challenged by Prince Humperdinck.]
To the death!
[pauses]
I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
[flinching angrily]
That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
[losing his patience]
And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right—
[exasperated]
And then my ears, I understand! Let's get on with it—
WRONG! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
[pauses]
I think you're bluffing.
It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. [standing slowly and holding out his sword] Drop. Your. Sword.
[Westley rescues Buttercup from a pit of lightning sand] [recovering]
We'll never succeed — we may as well die here.
No. No. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurts. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand. But you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
Westley, what about the R.O.U.S.'s?
Rodents of Unusual Size? I think they don't exist. [an R.O.U.S. attacks him on cue.]
