Miracle Max
You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.
Scenes with Miracle Max
7 scenes Miracle Max
Miracle Max
[Inigo pounds on a door] [from inside]
Go away!
Miracle Max
[Inigo pounds again] [opening a small window in the door]
What? What?
Inigo Montoya
Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the King all those years?
Miracle Max
The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed! [slams the window closed]
Miracle Max
[Inigo pounds again] [opening the window again]
Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad!
Fezzik
I'm on the Brute Squad.
Miracle Max
[looking at Fezzik]
You are the Brute Squad!
Inigo Montoya
We need a miracle. It's very important.
Miracle Max
Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
Inigo Montoya
He's already dead.
Miracle Max
[pauses]
He is, eh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.
Miracle Max
See, there's a big difference between mostly dead, and all dead. Now, mostly dead: he's slightly alive. All dead, well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.
Inigo
What's that?
Miracle Max
Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
Miracle Max
You got any money?
Inigo
Sixty-five.
Miracle Max
Seesh. I never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.
Inigo
This is noble, sir. His wife is... crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.
Miracle Max
[flatly]
Are you a rotten liar.
Inigo
I need him to help avenge my father. Murdered these 20 years.
Miracle Max
Your first story was better.
Miracle Max
[Miracle Max inflates Westley's chest with a bellows.]
Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for? [presses on Westley's chest to force the air back out]
Westley
[faintly]
Truuuuueee.... looooooovvveee.....
Inigo Montoya
[excited]
True love! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
Miracle Max
Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff," huh? So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated—
Valerie
[popping out from another room]
Liar! LIAR! LI-A-A-AR!
Miracle Max
Get back, witch!
Valerie
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!
Miracle Max
You never had it so good.
Valerie
"True love!" He said, "true love," Max! My God—
Miracle Max
Don't say another word, Valerie.
Valerie
[to the others]
He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.
Miracle Max
Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name!
Valerie
What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck. [begins chasing Max around the house] Humperdinck. Ooo-ooo, Humperdinck!
Miracle Max
[holding his hands over his ears]
I'm not listening!
Valerie
True love, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!
Miracle Max
Nobody's hearing nothing!
Valerie
[continues repeating "Humperdinck" at Max]
Inigo Montoya
[simultaneously]
This is Buttercup's true love! If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.
Miracle Max
[quiets Valerie]
Wait, wait- I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
Inigo Montoya
Humiliations galore!
Miracle Max
[laughs and sings briefly]
That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five. I'm on the job!
Miracle Max
[As Inigo and Fezzik leave with the miracle pill]
Have fun storming the castle!
Valerie
[aside, to Max]
Do ya think it'll work?
Miracle Max
It would take a miracle. [calling out] Bye bye!
Miracle Max
Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cram? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.
Inigo
He's dead, he can't talk.
Miracle Max
Woo hoo-hoo, look who knows so much, huh? Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only "mostly dead." There's a big difference between "mostly dead" and "all dead." Please, open his mouth. [Inigo opens Wesley's mouth, to put the bellows in] Now, "mostly dead" is slightly alive. [starts pumping air through the bellows] Now, "all dead"...well, with "all dead", there's usually only one thing you can do.
Inigo
What's that?
Miracle Max
Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
