Vizzini Pick up a rock, hide behind the boulder and wait for the man in black. The minute his head is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!
4th most-quoted character in The Princess Bride (1987): in 17 of its 113 quotes
Most scenes with: Inigo Montoya (4), Fezzik (4), Man in Black (3)
Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the Shrieking Eels — if you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh. If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you. I doubt you will get such an offer from the Eels.
More lines from Vizzini
7 quotes Vizzini Vizzini [to Westley]
There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen.
Vizzini [to Fezzik]
And YOU! Friendless. Brainless. Helpless. Hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed? In Greenland?!
Vizzini I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains.
Vizzini Ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?...Morons.
Vizzini [Repeated line]
Inconceivable!
Vizzini You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" [laughs maniacally, then falls over dead]
Scenes with Vizzini
9 scenes Vizzini [Buttercup encounters Vizzini, Inigo and Fezzik standing by the side of a road.]
A word, m'lady? We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby?
There is nothing nearby. Not for miles.
Vizzini [Fezzik steps toward Buttercup]
Then there will be no one to hear you scream. [Fezzik renders Buttercup unconscious]
What is that you're ripping?
Vizzini It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder.
Who's Guilder?
Vizzini The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin. [slaps the horse's rump] Go! Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed.
You never said anything about killing anyone.
Vizzini I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition.
I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
Vizzini Am I going mad or did the word "think" escape your lips!? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass!
I agree with Fezzik.
Vizzini Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your concern. I will kill her! And remember this. Never forget this! [to Inigo] When I found you, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy! [to Fezzik] And you! Friendless. Brainless. Helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed? In Greenland!?
Fuss... Fuss... I think he likes to scream at us.
Probably he means no harm.
He's really very short on charm.
You have a great gift for rhyme.
Yes, yes, some of the time.
Vizzini Enough of that.
Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
If there are, we'll all be dead.
Vizzini No more rhymes now, I mean it!
Anybody want a peanut?
Vizzini [screams in frustration]
Vizzini [Fezzik is climbing a rope up a vertical rock face, carrying Vizzini, Inigo and Buttercup. The Man in Black has started climbing the rope as well.]
Faster!
I thought I was going faster.
Vizzini You were supposed to be this colossus! You were this great, legendary thing! And yet he gains!
Well, I'm carrying three people. And he's got only himself.
Vizzini I do not accept excuses! I'm just going to have to find myself a new giant, that's all.
Don't say that, Vizzini. Please?
Vizzini [Vizzini cuts the rope Fezzik used to climb up the cliff, supposedly sending the Man in Black falling to his death. However, when he peers over the edge, he sees the Man in Black clinging to the rock wall.]
He didn't fall? Inconceivable!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Vizzini Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess, and must therefore die. [to Fezzik, pointing to Buttercup] You, carry her. [to Inigo] We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword.
I want to duel him left-handed.
Vizzini You know what a hurry we're in!
Well, it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right — tch — over too quickly.
Vizzini Oh, have it your way.
You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
[The Man in Black has just challenged Vizzini to a battle of wits for the Princess, to the death.] [hands a small tube to Vizzini]
Inhale this, but do not touch.
Vizzini [sniffs the tube]
I smell nothing.
What you do not smell is called iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the deadliest poisons known to man.
Vizzini [smirks]
Hmm...
[The Man in Black takes the two wine goblets and turns away from Vizzini. He returns a moment later and, after shifting the goblets around quickly, sets them down in front of himself and Vizzini. Vizzini smirks again.]
Now, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right, and who is dead.
Vizzini [The Man in Black challenges Vizzini to determine which goblet of wine is poisoned.]
But it's so simple! All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You've made your decision then?
Vizzini Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Truly you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini Wait 'til I get going! [small pause] Where was I?
Australia.
Vizzini Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
You're just stalling now.
Vizzini You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
You're trying to trick me into giving away something — it won't work.
Vizzini It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Then make your choice.
Vizzini I will! And I choose... [points behind the Man in Black and gasps] What in the world can that be?
Vizzini Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [chuckles]
What's so funny?
Vizzini I'll tell you in a minute, but first, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
[Vizzini and the Man in Black pick up their respective goblets and, after some gesturing by Vizzini, they drink. Vizzini continues to chuckle.] [setting down his goblet]
You guessed wrong.
Vizzini You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! [laughs openly] You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" [laughs maniacally for a few seconds, then stops abruptly and falls over dead.]
Vizzini [The Man in Black has come upon Vizzini holding Buttercup hostage with her hands tied, blindfolded, and a dagger at her throat]
So, it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
Let me explain.
Vizzini There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
Then perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
Vizzini There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her!
But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
Vizzini I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brain.
Vizzini Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?
Yes.
Vizzini Morons!
Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Vizzini For the princess? [the Man in Black nods] To the death? [he nods again] I accept. [re-sheathes his dagger]
Good. Then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine, and the Man in Black pulls out a small vial] Inhale this, but do not touch.
Vizzini [sniffs]
I smell nothing.
What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. [puts the goblets behind his back and, presumably, adds the poison to one of them, then sets them down in front of him] All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right...and who is dead.
Vizzini But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool. You would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You've made your decision then?
Vizzini Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows! And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini Wait till I get going! Where was I?
Australia.
Vizzini Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
You're just stalling now.
Vizzini You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you! But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
Vizzini It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Man in Black Then make your choice.
Vizzini I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be? [points at a rock behind the Man in Black]
What? Where? [when he turns to look, Vizzini swaps the goblets] I don't see anything.
Vizzini Well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [snickers quietly]
What's so funny?
Vizzini I-I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
Vizzini [last words]
You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian WHEN DEATH IS ON THE LINE!" [laughs hysterically, but suddenly freezes mid-laugh and literally drops dead; the Man in Black removes Buttercup's blindfold and unties her hands]
Who are you?
I am no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.
To think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.
