Hello there. [The Man In Black glances up and grunts] Slow going?
MI Man in Black
Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks. So I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
MI Man in Black
Thank you.
[A moment passes. Inigo returns to the edge.]
I do not suppose you could speed things up?
MI Man in Black
If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope, or a tree branch, or find something useful to do.
I could do that. I've got some rope up here. But I do not think that you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
MI Man in Black
That does put a damper on our relationship.
But I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
MI Man in Black
That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard.
MI Man in Black
No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
Is there any way you'll trust me?
MI Man in Black
Nothing comes to mind.
[seriously]
I swear on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive.
MI Man in Black
[pauses]
Throw me the rope.
I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand?
MI Man in Black
Do you always begin conversations this way?
My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man.
[The Man in Black holds up his hand, revealing only five fingers.]
He was a great swordmaker, my father. And when the six-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done. [unsheaths his sword and hands it to the Man in Black]
MI Man in Black
[examines the sword with admiration]
I have never seen its equal. [hands it back to Inigo]
The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one-tenth his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the six-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally, I challenged his murderer to a duel. I failed. Six-fingered man leave me alive, but he gave me this. [points to a scar on first one cheek, then the other]
MI Man in Black
How old were you?
I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
MI Man in Black
You've done nothing but study swordplay?
More pursuit than study lately. You see, I cannot find him. It's been twenty years now. I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.
MI Man in Black
[standing up after a pause in the conversation]
Well, I certainly hope you find him someday.
MI Man in Black
Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
[assumes fighting stance]
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
MI Man in Black
[also assumes fighting stance]
You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
[enthusiastically]
Begin!
MI Man in Black
Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
I admit it. You are better than I am.
MI Man in Black
Then why are you smiling?
Because I know something you don't know.
MI Man in Black
And what is that?
I am not left-handed! [switches to fighting with his right hand]
MI Man in Black
[The two continue to fight, until the Man in Black is backed against the cliff edge]
You're amazing!
I ought to be, after twenty years.
MI Man in Black
There's something I ought to tell you.
MI Man in Black
I'm not left-handed either. [switches his sword to his right hand]
[A rock smashes into a boulder just in front of the Man in Black] [steps out from a set of boulders holding another rock]
I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss.
MI Man in Black
I believe you. So what happens now?
We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.
MI Man in Black
You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?
[holds up his rock]
I could kill you now.
MI Man in Black
Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise.
MI Man in Black
[The Man in Black has just challenged Vizzini to a battle of wits for the Princess, to the death.] [hands a small tube to Vizzini]
Inhale this, but do not touch.
[sniffs the tube]
I smell nothing.
MI Man in Black
What you do not smell is called iocaine powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the deadliest poisons known to man.
MI Man in Black
[The Man in Black takes the two wine goblets and turns away from Vizzini. He returns a moment later and, after shifting the goblets around quickly, sets them down in front of himself and Vizzini. Vizzini smirks again.]
Now, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right, and who is dead.
[The Man in Black challenges Vizzini to determine which goblet of wine is poisoned.]
But it's so simple! All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MI Man in Black
You've made your decision then?
Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
MI Man in Black
Truly you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait 'til I get going! [small pause] Where was I?
MI Man in Black
Australia.
Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
MI Man in Black
You're just stalling now.
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
MI Man in Black
You're trying to trick me into giving away something — it won't work.
It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
MI Man in Black
Then make your choice.
I will! And I choose... [points behind the Man in Black and gasps] What in the world can that be?
MI Man in Black
[Turns to look while Vizzini switches the goblets]
What? Where? I don't see anything.
Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [chuckles]
MI Man in Black
What's so funny?
I'll tell you in a minute, but first, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
MI Man in Black
[Vizzini and the Man in Black pick up their respective goblets and, after some gesturing by Vizzini, they drink. Vizzini continues to chuckle.] [setting down his goblet]
You guessed wrong.
You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! [laughs openly] You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" [laughs maniacally for a few seconds, then stops abruptly and falls over dead.]
If you'll release me ... whatever you ask for ransom, you'll get it, I promise you...
MI Man in Black
And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, Highness.
I was giving you a chance! It does not matter where you take me. There's no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He could track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
MI Man in Black
You think your dearest love will save you?
I never said he was my dearest love! And yes, he will save me. That I know.
MI Man in Black
You admit to me you do not love your fiance?
He knows I do not love him.
MI Man in Black
"Are not capable of love" is what you mean.
[indignant]
I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream!
MI Man in Black
[The Man In Black **** his hand back, ready to slap Buttercup. She flinches.]
That was a warning, Highness. The next time, my hand flies on its own. Where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies.
I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything! You're the Dread Pirate Roberts; admit it!
MI Man in Black
[bows]
With pride! What can I do for you?
You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
MI Man in Black
[shakes his head]
Hardly complimentary, Your Highness. Why loose your venom on me?
MI Man in Black
It's possible; I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another Prince, like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby? [sits down nearby]
No. A farm boy. [gazing off into space in remembrance] Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm. [pauses briefly, then focuses back on the Man in Black] On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners.
MI Man in Black
[leaning back leisurely against a rock]
I can't afford to make exceptions. Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time.
MI Man in Black
Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something. [gets up and wanders around near Buttercup] I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
[not looking at the Man in Black]
Nothing you can say will upset me.
MI Man in Black
He died well, that should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please. Please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. "True love," he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are.
MI Man in Black
Faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring faithfulness! Now, tell me truly. When you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?
[standing up, more indignant than before]
You mocked me once, never do it again! I died that day!
[The Man in Black turns to see Humperdinck's hunting party riding past on the hill above them.]
And you can die too for all I care! [pushes him down the hill]
MI Man in Black
[tumbling down the hill]
Aaaass yooooouuu wiiiiish!
[shocked]
Oh, my sweet Westley, what have I done? [jumps down the hill after him]
[The Man in Black has come upon Vizzini holding Buttercup hostage with her hands tied, blindfolded, and a dagger at her throat]
So, it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
MI Man in Black
Let me explain.
There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
MI Man in Black
Then perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her!
MI Man in Black
But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brain.
MI Man in Black
[intrigued]
You're that smart?
Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?
MI Man in Black
Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
For the princess? [the Man in Black nods] To the death? [he nods again] I accept. [re-sheathes his dagger]
MI Man in Black
Good. Then pour the wine. [Vizzini pours the wine, and the Man in Black pulls out a small vial] Inhale this, but do not touch.
[sniffs]
I smell nothing.
MI Man in Black
What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. [puts the goblets behind his back and, presumably, adds the poison to one of them, then sets them down in front of him] All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right...and who is dead.
But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool. You would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MI Man in Black
You've made your decision then?
Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows! And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
MI Man in Black
Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait till I get going! Where was I?
MI Man in Black
Australia.
Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
MI Man in Black
You're just stalling now.
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you! But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
MI Man in Black
You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Man in Black Then make your choice.
I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be? [points at a rock behind the Man in Black]
MI Man in Black
What? Where? [when he turns to look, Vizzini swaps the goblets] I don't see anything.
Well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [snickers quietly]
MI Man in Black
What's so funny?
I-I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
MI Man in Black
[They drink from their goblets] [smirks]
You guessed wrong.
[last words]
You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian WHEN DEATH IS ON THE LINE!" [laughs hysterically, but suddenly freezes mid-laugh and literally drops dead; the Man in Black removes Buttercup's blindfold and unties her hands]
MI Man in Black
I am no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.
To think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
MI Man in Black
They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.
