Most-quoted character in Kronk's New Groove (2005): in 24 of its 37 quotes
Most scenes with: Miss Birdwell (5), Rudy (4), Tipo (4)
My nightmare began on a day like any other. So, technically, I guess that would be a "daymare." But I digress. It was lunchtime, and I was making my usual deliveries around town. I always saved the best stop for last, to see my dear old friends at the Flickering Embers Home for Seniors. A happier group of folks you'd never hope to meet. A perfect example of how to grow old with grace and dignity.
Kronk What am I gonna do? I know. I'll tunnel out of here with a spoon, escape through the sewers and live as a quiet but lonely shepherdess named Maria. That'll work. [opens the drawer but finds there are no spoons] We're out of spoons! That's it. I'm done for.
Kronk You don't want to let a guy like Papi down, or you'll get one of these. The Cold Shoulder, the Frenzied Eyebrow, the Grimace of Doom, the Sneer of Despair, the Crippling Wince of Guilt, the Scowl of Impending Wrath, and worst of all, the Nostril Flare of Total Rejection.
Kronk Papi didn't approve. He said if I didn't get serious, I'd never amount to anything. But nothing I ever did was good enough for him.
Kronk Rats, my eyes are closed.
Kronk Dear Papi, remember how you never thought I'd amount to anything? Well, I got news for you. Good news. I finally got that big house on a hill you've always wanted me to have. It's really great. You're gonna love it. It's got all the amenities. Swimming pool, golf course… The windmill's a killer. And my favorite part of all. Pancake junction! I even built a cozy little guest wing just for you. Yep. Just a big, serious house for a big, serious guy. Like me. That's who I am.
Kronk Doing good cost me my dream house. And then… (Mata: Don't tell me.) It cost me my girl. (Mata: I said, don't tell me.) These oven mitts were the last thing she touched, other than my fragile heart… Before she walked out of my life.
Kronk Why?! Why is this happening?! I just don't understand. It just doesn't make any sense. Was it loop over, loop under and pull, or loop under, loop over and pull?
Kronk Dear Papi, remember how I've never been able to meet the right girl? Uh, any girl? Well, I finally found the woman of my dreams. She's everything you could want in a woman and more. Don't get too excited. We'll take it nice and slow at first. And we'll get married in a fancy ceremony and have lots and lots of kids. - Love, Kronk.
Kronk You see, Papi, you may look at my life and think I've got nothing, but the truth is I've got everything.
Boy, the place is packed.
Kronk Yeah, never had this many friends when I was an evil henchman.
And look at you now, chef at Mudka's.
Kronk And head delivery boy!
Delivery Boy Logo used by permission and may not be reproduced without the express written consent of Delivery Boy Logo 8675309.
Kronk I get my one-year pin next week.
What's with you?
Kronk It's my father. He's coming for a visit! [shows her the telegram]
"Can't wait to meet your wife and kids and see your big house on the hill. Cordially, your father, Papi." So?
Kronk So Papi said l have to have all those things if I'm ever gonna be a success. And I once had them, but I lost them!
So?
Kronk So I never told him that part.
Big whoop. Tell him the truth.
Kronk What? Tell him the truth? Are you nuts? You don't let a guy like Papi down, or you'll get one of these. The Cold Shoulder, the Frenzied Eyebrow, the Grimace of Doom, the Sneer of Despair, the Crippling Wince of Guilt, the Scowl of lmpending Wrath, and worst of all, the Nostril Flare of Total Rejection.
Total rejection. Right, right. Mm-hmm.
Kronk I remember it well. Too well. [Flashback to his youth; voice-over] You see, I was always different growing up. Papi didn't approve. He said if I didn't get serious, I'd never amount to anything. But nothing I ever did was good enough for him. All I ever wanted was a thumbs up from Papi. [end of flashback] And I was so close. I once had a big house, on a hill. Papi would have loved it. That house was a dream come true.
Welcome to my new secret lab! Souvenir photo?
Kronk Rats, my eyes are closed.
Follow me!
Kronk Whoa, looks like someone's been busy.
I've finally done it, Kronk. I've created the elixir of life. The answer to everyone's prayers. Behold the fountain of youth in a bottle! [thunder crashes] Regular and diet.
Kronk Rudy, Yzma's youth potion is a fake. She cheated you. [Rudy looks at his reflection, realizing he's still the same. He looks at the fake potion] And I cheated you too. I'm sorry. [Rudy pats him on the shoulder, making him feel better] I guess we better go tell the others.
Kronk I never knew that was an elective office.
Yzma for emperor!
Thank you, thank you! I'd like to thank all the little people, but what do they matter? What matters is me, me, me! And when you elect me as your new emperor, I'm going to be on top of the world!
Kronk Stop this charade!
Yzma's youth potion is a fake!
Kronk I want you all to look at Rudy and tell me what you see.
Whoo, that is one hot hunk of man!
Kronk He's in his golden years. Not getting any younger. Chronologically challenged. [holds up an hourglass]
I got wrinkles, bunions, ear hair! I'm still OLD!
Hey, he's right. I'm still old too!
Me too! And Hildy looks like…
Uh-uh-uh, don't even!
Yzma's a crook! Yzma's a witch!
She's getting away!
Back off, or I'll jump! [looks down below, seeing alligators and piranhas in the ravine] Wait, that can't be right.
Kronk Okay. Why don't we all just take a step back? Not you, Yzma. [Yzma grumbles annoyingly]
She stole everything we have!
Yeah, we didn't chase her all the way down here for nothing! Nice moves back there, Hildy.
Oh! What about you? Pouncing like a wildcat.
Hey, I just realized something. We chased Yzma all the way down here.
Didn't I just cover that?
Don't you see? We're busting moves like a bunch of teenagers!
So, what you're saying is, even though the potion was fake, we're only as old we feel.
Kronk That's almost like you should (all) thank Yzma for robbing you of every last cent. [laughs; then realizes] Wait, that can't be right.
Let's get her!
Stand back! Don't make me use this! [takes out her potion]
Ooh!
Kronk Your cough medicine?
No! My most fiendishly diabolical potion ever! When I drink this, you won't be able to lay a finger on me! [cackles evilly and then starts to choke]
GET HER!
Aww. How cute! She's a cutie pie!
See? I told you so. [a condor swoops in, grabs her, flies off far away]
Kronk That's weird. Let's all reflect on these lessons on our way home tonight.
Well, everyone, back to the alley.
Kronk You're living in an alley?
Well, sure. We sold our house to you. I got dibs on the cardboard box!
Kronk This is awful. I've got to find them a place to live. But where can I find a gigantic house with 30 extra bedrooms? Where? Think, think, think!
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Kronk Too much salt in my spinach puffs?
No, no! Your house!
Kronk Right!
Whoa, Nelly! Let's not overreact. You wanna lose your dream house? That house is gonna get us the big thumbs up from Papi.
Kronk If I lose the house, I'll let Papi down. I can't let Papi down.
But you tricked Rudy out of that house!
Kronk Oh, my! It's true! I took away Rudy's home!
Hey! You got that house fair and square!
Yeah, but he cheated his best friend!
No, he didn't!
Kronk Yes, I did! I gotta do the right thing. [runs over to Rudy] Rudy, let's talk real estate.
Look at them. They're really snot and polish.
Yeah. It's "spit and polish."
Snot.
Spit.
Snot!
Spit!
Snot!
Spit!
Snot!
Spit!
Snot!
Kronk Whoa, whoa. Easy, kids. Spit, snot, same general neighborhood.
Troop Kronk is disqualified! [Kronk and his kids gasp in horrified shock] The aquatic competition goes to Troop Birdwell!
Kronk Hey, that's not fair!
You ruined the aquatic event for my poppets.
Kronk But now you've ruined it for my, uh…
Kronk Poppets. I knew that.
Well then, I suppose you should've thought of that sooner. Come alone, chippers! Toodle pip. Toodle pip.
Kronk Why?! Why is this happening?! I just don't understand. It just doesn't make any sense. [trying to tie Tipo's shoelaces] Was it loop over, loop under and pull, or loop under, loop over and pull? Tipo, you okay, little pal?
We're gonna lose the trophy because of her.
He can't do this to my little chippers!
Kronk She can't do this to my little chippers.
Yeah!
Kronk That's it. Oh, that's it. The gloves are coming off. We're going mano a womano.
Let the games begin!
Kronk So, it all comes down to one event.
The Chipmunk cheer off!
There's only one thing to do.
Practice, practice, practice!
Kronk Do whatever it takes to WIN!
Devil Kronk Hey, look. Aren't those your eggs?
Kronk "Kronk's Eggs. Property of Kronk. Do not touch except for Kronk." [confronts Birdwell] Hey! What are you doing with my eggs?!
What are you doing with my raisins, sir?
Kronk These aren't your raisins.
"Birdwell's Raisins. Property of Birdwell. Do not touch except for Birdwell."
Kronk Huh. You think I would have seen that. I need those raisins.
Well, I need them more!
Kronk Then you're ruining this for my kids!
You're wrecking it for mine!
Kronk You disqualified us!
You tried to drown us!
Kronk This is all your fault!
This is all your fault! [steps on his foot]
Kronk Is not!
Is too, you twit!
Kronk Give!
You give!
You!
"Tipo's Itching Powder. Property of Tipo. Do not touch except for…" Tipo, how could you?! I'm so disappointed.
Kronk Oh, no. What am I gonna do?
Eh, let the kid take the rap. He'll do easy time.
You put the idea in his head. Look at him out there. He's six.
Kronk Uh-oh, the lip. Not the lip.
Don't look directly at it! You start flapping your jaw, the girl goes bye-bye.
Kronk Forever?
Heartbreak City.
Kronk No.
So you're just gonna weasel out while they send Tipo off to the big house?
You forgetting something? [holds up the drawing of Papi with the thumbs-up in front of his face] You want this, you need that.
You could have hurt somebody. I cannot believe that you would disgrace the Chipmunk name in this manner!
Kronk But Tipo needs me. Let him go! It's all my fault.
Kronk I told him, "do whatever it takes to win." Wait! It was all a big mistake.
I'll say it was. The biggest mistake of my life! I thought I could trust you.
Kronk But Ms. Birdy-poo...
Don't ever call me that again! On second thought, don't call me ever!
You wanna borrow my house?
And me?
Kronk And them, if it's not too much trouble.
Kronk, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Kronk Trust me, I am, but not as much as I'd be if Papi finds out I'm a failure, he's gonna come at me with everything. [quickly] The Cold Shoulder, the Frenzied Eyebrow, the Grimace of Doom, the Sneer of Despair, the Crippling Wince of Guilt, the Scowl of Impending Wrath, and worst of all, the Nostril Flare of Total Rejection.
What's wrong with Kronk?
Duh. You made him look like a big fat liar in front of Miss Birdwell.
Hey, don't guilt-trip the kid! It's not his fault.
No, he's right. I've got to help him.
Pacha.
You saw the Nostril Flare of Total Rejection. We have to do something before his father gets here.
Too late, he's here.
Kronk Machu Picchu!
Kronk Rudy!
Who is this?
Why, I'm the lovely Mrs. Kronk.
Kronker!
Kronk Right, I'll go check on dinner. [drops Rudy and dashes into the kitchen]
I thought I was the lovely Mrs. Kronk.
Look at us. Putting on dresses. Pretending to be women.
Kronk Dinner rush. I've got four specials and I've got a party of ten coming at 8:30.
Kronk!
Kronk? [Kronk screams and runs back into the kitchen] Kronk! [follows him into the kitchen] Let me get this straight. She's Mrs. Kronk, and she's Mrs. Kronk? [points to Chicha; to Rudy in disguise]
Kronk Papi, I can explain.
I'm the lovely Mrs. Kronk.
Ow. You're stepping on my face.
Kronk Or maybe not.
Is there anyone in this town who isn't Mrs. Kronk?
Daddy!
Kronk How about them?
Who are they?
We're Kronk's adorable kids!
Kronk Oh!
Kronk!
Sweetheart!
Kronk Tina?! Marge?!
Marge.
Tina.
Oy.
Kronk!
Kronk Well, at least that's everybody.
Boom, baby! Like how I weaseled myself in the movie? Nice.
Kronk Kuzco?
How you doing, hot stuff?
Kronk Hot stuff?! [holds up a sign reading, "Uh-oh"]
Kronk Papi, I have a confession. I'm not who you think I am. I'm just a humble fry cook. And head delivery boy. That's not all. Chicha's not my wife. None of these folks are my wives. And these aren't my kids. Not even the ones who really are kids. Yeah, and that big house up on the hill, that's not mine either. And Pachita not even a woman. [Pacha takes off his woman's hat disguise] I lied to you, Papi. I just wanted you to be proud of me. I just wanted to get one of these. [holds up a thumbs up] But all I ever got from you was… [Papi gives him a scowled look on his face] Yeah, that. I'm a failure. The truth is I've got nothing.
Kronk And I wouldn't trade you guys for anything.
Well, that would explain why you don't have anything.
For your information, Kronk used to have a big house.
On a hill.
But he gave it away to us old folks.
And he had a girlfriend too. They baked us raisin bread.
He gave up all those things to protect his friends.
Kronk You were actually listening to my stories?
I was weeping on the inside.
Kronk Wait a second. I really wouldn't trade you guys for anything. Not even for a thumbs up. You see, Papi, you may look at my life and think I've got nothing, but the truth is… I've got everything.
Not yet, you don't. [gives his son a thumbs up and smiles] I'm proud of you, son.
