Kronk quotes from The Emperor's New Groove (2000)

Kronk

You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about re-labeling some of them.

Kronk

What are the odds that trap door would lead me out here?

Kuzco

"...I'm a crumbling canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well not today, pal! [shuffling to dance] Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-uh.
Pacha [uncertainly]: You just saved my life.

Kuzco

Huh?

Take him out of town and finish the job, now!

Kronk

But, what about dinner?

Kronk, this is kind of important.

Kronk

Not even dessert?

Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.

Kronk

And coffee?

All right, a quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job!

Pacha

What happened?

Kuzco

I'm trying to figure that out, okay? [falls and starts whining again] I can't remember! I can't remember anything! Wait a minute. [turns towards Pacha] I remember you! I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was. And then you got mad at me-- [gasps in shock, then turns back to Pacha angrily] Then you turned me into a llama!

Pacha

Wha--! No, I did not!

Kuzco

Yes, and then you kidnapped me!

Pacha

Why would I kidnap a llama?

Kuzco

I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me!

Pacha

What?!

Kuzco

You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.

Pacha

Don't worry your Highness. I got ya. You're safe now.

Kuzco

Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?

Pacha

No, no, no. It's-It's okay. This-This is all right. We can figure this out.

Kuzco

I hate you.

Nooo!

Kuzco

I don't know about you, but I'm getting all funned out.

Pacha

Uh-oh.

Kuzco

Don't tell me: We're about to go over a huge waterfall.

Pacha

Yep.

Kuzco

Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Pacha

Most likely.

Kuzco

Bring it on. [yells as they go over] Boo-yaaa!

Pacha

For the last time it was not a kiss.

Kuzco

Well, whatever you call it, [Kuzco spits the water onto Pacha's fire, putting it out] it was disgusting. And if you would've done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life. [Kuzco shakes off the water from his fur which puts out the fire Pacha has just re-lit] But now that you're here, you will take me back to the palace. I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. Oh yeah!

Pacha

Okay, now look, I think we got off on the wrong foot here. I just think if you really thought about it you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.

Kuzco

And why would I do that? [Kuzco throws the poncho over the fire, putting it out again]

Pacha

Because [controls his anger] deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.

Kuzco

And that's bad?

Pacha

Well, yeah. Uh, nobody's that heartless.

Kuzco

Mmmm. [pauses] Now take me back.

Pacha

What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.

Kuzco

Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the programme, eh, Pacha?

Pacha

You know what? Someday, you're gonna wind up all alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Kuzco

Thanks for that, I'll log that away. Now, for the final time I order you to take me back to the palace.

Pacha

Looks to me like you're stuck out here because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.

Kuzco

Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back. Me, me, me. [Picks up an acorn and throws it at Pacha, hitting him on the head. Pacha looks round angrily] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't - Somebody's throwing stuff.

Kronk, why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel

Whoa now!

A really, really, big, stupid monkey named Kronk!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil

Ouch.

And would you like to know something else? I never liked your spinach puffs. Never!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil

That's it! [**** trident] She's goin' down.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel

Now guys, from above, the wicked shall receive their just reward. :[they look to the heavens and notice a chandelier as an angel chorus sings]

Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Devil simultaneously

That'll work.

Kronk's Shoulder Devil

Listen big guy, I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one: [points to Kronk's Shoulder Angel] Look at that guy! He's got that sissy, stringy, music thing.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel

We've been through this; it's a harp, and you know it.

Kronk's Shoulder Devil

All right; that's a harp, and that's a dress.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel

Robe!

Kronk's Shoulder Devil

Reason number two: [as he does a one-handed handstand] Look what I can do!

Kronk

What does that have to do with any—

Kronk's Shoulder Angel

No, no, he's got a point.

Kronk

Look, you guys are confusing me, so, uh.... "be gone", or whatever I do to get rid of you guys.

Kronk's Shoulder Angel and Devil

That'll work. [they poof out of existence]

Kuzco

No touchie.

Pacha

Agh! Demon llama!

Kuzco

Demon llama?! Where![screams]

Chicha

So, what did the emperor want?

Pacha

Oh, you know what, he couldn't see me.

Chicha

Couldn't see you? Why not?

Pacha

I don't know.

Chicha

Well-well, that's just rude!

Pacha

Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.

Chicha

No, no, no, no, no. NO! Emperor or no emperor, it's called common courtesy.

Pacha

Honey.

Chicha

If that were me, I'd march right back there and demand to see him and you know I would.

Pacha

Sweetie, sweetie. Think of the baby.

Chicha

Pacha, I'm fine. This baby's not coming out for while. But even if it was, I'd give that guy a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior just- just- [snorts]. I gotta go wash something.

Chicha

You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way. But, as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you came by.

Oh, would you, please? That would be just great. [Yzma makes an exaggerated gesture that makes her knock her tea cup off the table] Oops. Silly me.

Chicha

No no. [exhaustedly] Allow me. [Chicha bends down to get the cup. Because she's pregnant, she has trouble picking it up.]

Pacha

Let's see. Lions, tigers, bears-

Oh my. [Steps out of a shadow holding the potion] Looking for this?

Kuzco

No, it's impossible! How did you get back here before us?

Ah.... [Looks confused] How did we get back here, Kronk?

Kronk

Well, ya got me. [Pulls down a chart displaying the progress of the previous chase] By all accounts, it doesn't make any sense.

Oh well. Back to business.

Kuzco

Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been; but Yzma, you really wanna kill me?!

Just think of it as...you're being let go. That your life's going in a different direction. That your body is part of a permanent outplacement.

Kronk

Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.

I know. It's called a cruel irony. Like my dependence on you.

Emperor Kuzco

Oh, yeah.

Theme Song Guy

♪ There are despots and dictators. Political manipulators. There are blue bloods with the intellects of fleas. There are kings and catty tyrants who are so lacking in refinements. They'd be better suited swinging from the trees. He was born and raised to rule, no one has ever been as cool, in 1,000 years of aristocracy. ♪ [Ship's horn blows] ♪ An enigma and a mystery in Mesoamerican history, the quintessence of perfection that is he. ♪

Emperor Kuzco

OK, this is the real me. Not this. This. Not this. Winner! Loser. OK, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out.

Emperor Kuzco

Butler. Chef. Theme song guy.

Theme Song Guy

♪ Oh, yeah! He's the sovereign lord of the nation, he's the hippest cat in creation. He's the alpha, the omega, A to Z. ♪ [Kuzco snaps his fingers] ♪ And this perfect world will spin, around his every little whim, 'cause this perfect world begins and ends with... ♪

Emperor Kuzco

Me.

Theme Song Guy

♪ What's his name? ♪

♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy

♪ That's his name! ♪

♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy

♪ He's the king of the world! ♪

♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy

♪ Is he hip or what? ♪

♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy

♪ Yeah! ♪

Emperor Kuzco

D'oh, you threw off my groove! [crosses his arms]

I'm sorry. But you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. [He picks up Rudy by the collar]

SORRY!!!!!

Emperor Kuzco

You were saying?

Theme Song Guy

♪ What's his name? Kuzco! ♪

♪ Kuzco! ♪

Theme Song Guy

♪ That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah. Oww! ♪

Emperor Kuzco

Ha! Boom, baby!

Aah! Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.

Emperor Kuzco

All righty. Trot out the ladies.

Emperor Kuzco

Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?

Oh, yes. Oh, no. I mean, perhaps--

Emperor Kuzco

What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up. Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Pacha.

Pacha

Uh, excuse me. I'm here to see Emperor Kuzco. You see, I got this summons--

Inside, up the stairs, and to the left. Just follow the signs.

Pacha

Oh, great. Thanks a lot.

Emperor Kuzco

Uh, and don't be fooled by the folksy peasant look.

Pacha

Oh!

Pardon me. That's mine.

Pacha

Oh, here you go.

Thank you.

Pacha

You're welcome. Aah! [noticing Rudy is caught in one of the palace streamers] Oh, hey. Are you all right? [He helps the Rudy down] What happened?

Well, I threw off the emperor's groove.

Pacha

What?

His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!

Pacha

Oh, really? Well, I'm supposed to see him today-

DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROOVE!

Pacha

Oh, okay.

Beware the groove!

Pacha

Hey, are you going to be alright?!

The groove...

Emperor Kuzco

See what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he's nothing compared to what happens next.

And why have you come here today?

Well... Your Highness-- I mean, Your Grace.

Emperor Kuzco

Okay, gang. Check out this piece of work. This is Yzma, the Emperor's Advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. And let's not forget about Yzma's right-hand-man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model's called Kronk.

Kronk

Yeah, I'll get that, Yzma. [swats at a fly and hits himself by mistake]

Emperor Kuzco

Yep, that's Kronk! Now, lately Yzma's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinking, That's gotta stop.

It is no concern of mine whether your family has... What was it again?

Um, food.

Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants. We're through here. Take him away. Next!

But I-- Oh, OK.

Ugh.

Emperor Kuzco

The nerve of some of those peasants, huh?

Tell me about it. Aah!

Emperor Kuzco

Hi there.

Ooh, Your Highness.

Emperor Kuzco

Ahem.

Oh, oh, oh, ha ha ha. Um...

Emperor Kuzco

Uh, you were doing it again.

Doing? Doing... Doing what?

Emperor Kuzco

Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor. Remember that?

But, Your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters.

Emperor Kuzco

Whoa. Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? [Broccoli Teeth] What the-- How long has that been there?

Kronk

Good thinking, Yzma. What do you say, Kuzco?

Emperor Kuzco

Whoa! No touchy! No touchy. No touch.

Excuse me, Your Highness. The village leader is here to see you.

Emperor Kuzco

Oh, great. Send him in. Oh, and by the way, you're fired.

Fired? What do you mean, fired?

Emperor Kuzco

Um, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outppacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option... Take your pick. I got more.

But I-- You--uh-- Uhh. But-- But, Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for--for--for many, many years.

Emperor Kuzco

Hey, hey everybody hits their stride. You just hit yours 50 years ago. So...who's in my chair?

Kronk

Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?

Emperor Kuzco

Very good, Kronk. Here. Get the snack.

Kronk

Got it! Unh! Oof!

Emperor Kuzco

OK, you heard the man. Up, up, up.

Kronk

I'm OK. I'm fine.

Emperor Kuzco

Ah. OK. Show him in.

Pacha

Ahem. Uh, afternoon, Your Highness. I'm here because I received a summons--

Emperor Kuzco

Hey, there he is! My main village man.

Pacha

Um, Pacha. Anyway, I got this summons--

Emperor Kuzco

Pacha. That's right. You are just the man I wanted to see.

Pacha

I am?

Emperor Kuzco

Word on the street is you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, can't you?

Pacha

Sure. I'll do what I can.

Emperor Kuzco

Good, good. That's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?

Pacha

Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you-- My village?

Emperor Kuzco

Oh, yeah. You got a pretty sweet little setup there on top of that hill, don't you? Ha ha ha!

Pacha

Yeah. My family has lived on that hilltop for the last 6 generations.

Emperor Kuzco

Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you get the most sun?

Pacha

Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.

Emperor Kuzco

Well, that settles it.

Pacha

Really?

Emperor Kuzco

Yep. Problem solved. Thanks for coming.

Pacha

That's it? That's all you wanted me for?

Emperor Kuzco

I just needed an insider's opinion before I OK'd this spot for my pool.

Pacha

Uh...your pool?

Emperor Kuzco

Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide!

Pacha

What?

Emperor Kuzco

Isn't it great?! It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!

Pacha

Um...I don't understand how this could happen.

Emperor Kuzco

Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word and your town will be destroyed to make way for this... [hums carnival tune for his resort display on top of Pacha's village] So, if I were you, I'd pick up some change-of-address forms on the way home.

Pacha

But, where will we live?

Emperor Kuzco

Hmm, don't know. Don't care. How's that? [starts to leave]

Pacha

Wait! You can't-! [gets blocked by guards]

Emperor Kuzco

When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. [happily] Bye-bye!

Pacha

Wait! [gets dragged off by the guards]

Emperor Kuzco

Boo-hoo!

Emperor Kuzco

Oh, yeah. Everything was goin' my way. Or so I thought.

He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?! [to Kronk] A little to the left. [Kronk nudges the head so she can smash it] Does he have ANY idea of who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! Why, I practically raised him!

Kronk

Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.

Yeah, go figure.

Kronk

Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Kuzco, huh?

That's it, Kronk! That's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco.

Kronk

The real Kuzco?

Of course, the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant.

Kronk

So, how does that work with you being fired and all?

The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.

Kronk

And I'm one of those two, right?

To the secret lab! [they move over to two levers] Pull the lever, Kronk! [Kronk pulls a lever, opening a trap door under her; she falls through] WRONG LEVER! [splashes]

Kronk

Uh...

Why do we even have that lever? [slaps the crocodile which lets go of her dress and runs away, yipping] Get out of my way. [pulls the other lever, and she and Kronk land in what is like an amusement park ride]

Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.

Kronk

Whoo! Faster, faster! Yzma! Put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! [Yzma and Kronk arrive in the lab, wearing lab coats and safety goggles, do a high-five, and run to get to work]

Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! [knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead] Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this. Take it, Kronk. [laughs evilly] Oh, feel the power.

Kronk

Oh. I can feel it.

Our moment of triumph approaches [laughs evilly] IT'S DINNERTIME!

So, is everything ready for tonight?

Kronk

Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.

Not the dinner. The You-know...?

Kronk

Oh, riiiight. The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. [long pause] That poison?

Yes, that poison.

Kronk

Got ya covered.

Excellent. A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.

Kronk

Which is a real shame, 'cause it's gonna be delicious.

Emperor Kuzco

Boom, bam, baby! Let's get to the grub. I am one hungry king of the world. So...no 'hard feelings about being let go.

None whatsoever. Kronk, get the emperor a drink.

Kronk

Drink. Right... Your Highness.

Emperor Kuzco

Is something burning?

Kronk

My spinach puffs! [dashes off to the kitchen]

Emperor Kuzco

So, he seems nice.

He is.

Emperor Kuzco

He's what, in his late twenties?

I'm not sure... [forces an awkward smile]

Kronk

Saved 'em!

Emperor Kuzco

That's great.

Great!

Emperor Kuzco

Good job.

Very good job.

Kronk

Watch it. They're still hot.

Ahem. Ahem! Heh heh heh. Kronk. The emperor needs his...drink.

Kronk

Right. Oh. Right.

Emperor Kuzco

Hey, Kronky, everything OK back there? Well, heh.

Kronk

Oh, uh... Ooh. The drinks were a bit on the... hmm... oh...ugh...warm side. Heh heh. Hey, did you see that sky today? Talk about blue.

Ha ha ha. Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!

Kronk

Don't drink the wine. [coughing] Poison.

Emperor Kuzco

Ah! Tasty.

Finally! Ha ha ha! Good work, Kronk.

Kronk

Oh, they're so easy to make. I'll get you the recipe.

Now to get rid of the body.

Emperor Kuzco

OK! What were we saying?

Uh...we were just making a toast to your long and... healthy rule.

Emperor Kuzco

Right. So what are you gonna do? I mean, you've been around here a long time, and I really mean a long time. Um...

Ahem. [hums]

Emperor Kuzco

It might be difficult for someone of your age adjusting to life in the private sector. Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal? Be a friend? Heh heh.

Llama Kuzco

Now, about you finding new work...

Hit him on the head.

Llama Kuzco

...that's--that's gonna be tough.

Kronk

More broccoli?

Llama Kuzco

Because you're... you know. Let's face it. You're no spring chicken, and I mean that in the best possible way.

What?! A llama?! He's supposed to be dead!

Kronk

Yeah, weird.

Let me see that vial. [Kronk hands her the vial. The label's folded half-way, the logo looking like the top half of a skull. She unfolds the top of the label with her thumb, revealing a logo in the shape of a llama] This isn't poison, this is extract of LLAMA! [tosses the vial at Kronk, which bounces off of his head and shatters on the floor]

Kronk

You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about re-labeling some of them.

Take him out of town and finish the job now!

Kronk

What about dinner?

Kronk, this is kind of important.

Kronk

How about dessert?

Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.

Kronk

And coffee?

Alright, a quick cup of coffee. THEN TAKE HIM OUT OF TOWN AND FINISH THE JOB!

Pacha

Your Highness. Your Highness, can you hear me? Oh, boy. Come on, breathe. Breathe! Ohh. Why me? Ooh! All right. [inhales] Ohh!

Llama Kuzco

Aah!

Ohh!

Pacha

For the last time, it was not a kiss.

Llama Kuzco

Well, whatever you call it. [spits water on the fire] It was disgusting. And to think, if you'd done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life. [shakes the water out of him, which puts out another fire]

Pacha

Augh!

Llama Kuzco

But now that we're here, you will take me back to the palace, I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. [builds a house with a rock, sticks, and a leaf] Oh, yeah.

Pacha

Okay, now look. I think we got off on the wrong foot here.

Llama Kuzco

Um-hm.

Pacha

I just think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.

Llama Kuzco

And why would I do that? [throws the poncho onto the fireplace, which puts out another fire]

Pacha

Because...Deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.

Llama Kuzco

And that's...bad?

Pacha

Well, yeah! Uh, nobody's that heartless.

Llama Kuzco

Mmmm. Now take me back.

Pacha

What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.

Llama Kuzco

Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program. Eh, Pacha?

Pacha

You know, someday you're gonna wind up all alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Llama Kuzco

Thanks for that, I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.

Pacha

Looks to me like you're stuck out here. Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.

Llama Kuzco

"Because unless you change your mind, I'm not gonna take you back." Me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo. [throws an acorn at Pacha, who glares at him] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't do that. Somebody's throwing stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?

Pacha

He's never going to change his mind.

Llama Kuzco

How am I ever gonna get out of here? [muttering, shivering, stops shivering]

And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince... Taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his 18th birthday.

Kronk

Poor little guy.

His legacy will live on in our hearts for all eternity.

Kronk

He never had a chance.

Well, he ain't getting any deader! [rips off black cloak to reveal a hot pink extravaganza of an outfit] Back to work. [The attendees quickly toss their candles away and get to work renovating the palace]

Kronk, darling, I must admit you had me worried when you mixed up those poisons, but now that Kuzco is dead, all is forgiven.

Kronk

Ah. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's dead, all right. Heh heh. I mean, you can't get much deader than he-- then he is right now. Unless, of course, we killed him again.

I suppose.

Kronk

Hey, look, the royal dresser's here.

Kronk...

Kronk

I should tell you right now I'm kind of hard to fit.

Kronk...

Kronk

I wear a 66 long and a 31 waist.

Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.

Kronk

Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?

He's still alive?!

Kronk

Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.

Kronk!

Kronk

Just thought I'd give you a heads-up, in case Kuzco ever came back.

He can't come back!

Kronk

Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.

You think?! You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through! NOW LET'S MOVE!!!

Tipo

DAD, LOOK OUT!

Chicha

Tipo, what is it?

Tipo

I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and was careening out of control down a raging river of death!

Chicha

All right, all right, it's okay.

Tipo

It was awful!

Chicha

It's okay, it's okay. Tipo, calm down. It was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the emperor.

Tipo

Oh. Like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.

Chicha

That's right.

Chaca

Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama.

Tipo

Yeah, like that would ever happen.

Chaca

It could.

Tipo

Nuh-uh.

Chaca

Yeah-huh.

Tipo

Nuh-uh.

Chaca

Yeah-huh.

Good night, you two.

Night, Mom!

Chaca

Yeah-huh. Yeah-huh.

Tipo

Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.

No! No! No! We've searched every village around the palace, and still no sign of Kuzco! Where is he?! [growls in frustration and calls Kronk] KRONK?!

Kronk

Kronk here.

I’m getting tired! Pull over!

Kronk

Sure thing. Kronk out. Ooh! Aah! Aah! Ohh!

Perfect. These are my best shoes. [forcefully pulls her high heels off] I hate this jungle. [Insects buzzing]

Kronk

Oh, look. A golden-throated small-winged warbler. Just one more for exotic bird bingo.

Aah!

Kronk

I am loving this.

Get away from me! Uhh.

Kronk

Yeah. Tell me about it. [Bucky chatters] No, no, it's not you. She's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there. Trust me.

Are you talking to that squirrel?

Kronk

I was a junior chipmunk. I had to be versed in the woodland creatures. Please continue. [Bucky chatters]

Aah! Why me? Why me?

Kronk

Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy has had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.

Oh, a talking llama? Ha ha ha ha! Do tell. Heh heh heh heh! [Bucky chatters]

Kronk

Uh, he doesn't really want to talk to you.

Well, then you ask him.

Kronk

I hate being in the middle. Squeaky, uh... squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.

Aah!

Kronk

Jaguars? No kidding? Brutal. [Bucky chattering and stops chattering]

Kronk

Uh, could you give us a little room here?

Uh, sorry.

Uh-uh.

Kronk

A little bit more, please.

How is this? [Bucky chatters]

Kronk

Yeah, that's good.

Now ask him which way the talking llama went!

Kronk

Uh, squeakity-squeak, squeakin'. [Bucky chatters]

Pacha

Low blood sugar, huh?

Emperor Kuzco

Yeah, it's a curse. [laughs]

Pacha

Well, as soon as we get something to eat, you're walking the rest of the way.

Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the mug of meat. What'll it be? [Llama Kuzco giggles]

Pacha

Ahem. We'll have two specials. Is that all right, dear?

Llama Kuzco

Oh, whatever you say, pumpkin. You know what I like.

Pacha

Hee hee hee. We're on our honeymoon.

Bless you for coming out in public. So that's two specials.

Llama Kuzco

And an onion log. To split. [giggles]

Ordering! I need two heartburns and a deep-fried doorstop on table twelve!

Pacha

OK, so I'll admit this was a good idea.

Llama Kuzco

When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?

Pacha

That's funny, because I thought you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really bad ideas.

Llama Kuzco

Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.

Hot and crispy pillbug for the happy couple. Mazel tov. [leaves]

Pacha

Oh, boy. [slurps]

Llama Kuzco

Ooh. Ugh. Bluh. Urp!

Pacha

Oh, here. Let me get that for you. [taps another pillbug with a straw to open it]

Llama Kuzco

Bleaggh! Uck! [gets up to walk to the kitchen]

Pacha

Where are you going?

Llama Kuzco

I'm just going to slip into the kitchen and have a word with the chef.

Pacha

You're gonna get us thrown out.

Llama Kuzco

Please. With this disguise, I'm invisible. [heads into the kitchen]

Heh heh!

We've been walking around in circles for who knows how long. That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel. I should have done away with Kuzco myself when I had the chance.

Kronk

Oh, you really gotta stop beating yourself up about that. Uh-oh. I'll get you another one, Yzma. Yo.

Kronk

You using that fork there, pal? Hey, don't I know you?

Pacha

I don't think so.

Kronk

Wrestled you in high school?

Pacha

Don't remember that.

Kronk

Metal shop? I got it! Miss Narca's interpretive dance--two semesters. I was usually in the back of my weak ankles. Come on, pal. You gotta help me out here.

Pacha

I don't think we've ever met, but I gotta go.

Kronk

Don't worry. I'll think of it.

Llama Kuzco

Look, all I know is the food looked iffy. I'm not the only one that thinks that, I'm sure.

Pacha

Psst! Hey!

Llama Kuzco

So I'm just checking to make sure you're going to take the main course up a notch.

Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?

Kronk

Hang on. I'll go ask the chef.

Llama Kuzco

It's a simple question. Is there or is there not anything edible on this menu?

Gah!

Llama Kuzco

Hey, I didn't ask him about dessert yet!

Kronk

Hey, pal, what's your policy on making special orders?

All right, buster! You want a special order, then you make it! I quit!

Kronk

Yeah, but I--

I try and I try! There's no respect for anyone with vision! That's it, I guess there's nothing I can do about it!

Kronk

Uh- wait- Please don't go. [the now-former chef storms out]

Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?

Kronk

Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill. Got it.

Llama Kuzco

What's going on?

Pacha

There's no time to explain. We gotta get out of here.

What is he doing in there?

Pacha

Uhh! Come on!

Llama Kuzco

In a minute. I'm still hungry.

Pacha

No, Kuzco!

Llama Kuzco

OK, I'll make it simple for you. I'll have a spinach omelet with wheat toast. You got it?

Kronk

Can do.

What's taking so long?

Kronk

Pickup!

Kronk, what are you doing?

Kronk

Kinda busy here.

Why am I not surprised?

Kronk

You order's up!

Ohh! Oh, well, while you're at it, make me the special. And hold the gravy!

Kronk

Check. Pickup.

Llama Kuzco

You know what? On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.

Kronk

Meat pie. Check.

Kronk, can I order the potatoes as a side dish?

Kronk

I'll have to charge you full price. [Yzma groans]

Llama Kuzco

Hey, how about a side of potatoes, buddy?

Kronk

You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?

Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.

Kronk

Cheddar spuds coming up.

Llama Kuzco

Spuds yes, cheese no.

Kronk

Hold the cheese.

No, I want the cheese.

Kronk

Cheese it is.

Llama Kuzco

Cheese, me no like-y.

Kronk

Cheese out.

Cheese in.

Kronk

Ah, come on, make up your mind!

Llama Kuzco

Okay, okay, on second thought-

Make my potatoes a salad.

Don't worry, honey. We do this all the time. [leaves]

ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! [gives Yzma a distracted birthday party] HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FROM ALL OF US TO YOU! WE WISH IT WAS OUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE COULD PARTY TOO! [Pacha pulls Kuzco out of the table and an annoyed Yzma is wearing a huge sombrero and crossing her arms next to the birthday cake with many candles] HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! WE WISH IT WAS OUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE COULD PARTY TOO!

Kronk

Hahaha! It's your birthday?!

Llama Kuzco

What are you doing?!

Pacha

Look, there's two people in there looking for you.

Llama Kuzco

What?

Pacha

A big guy and a skinny old woman.

Llama Kuzco

Wait, was this woman scary beyond all reason?

Pacha

Oh, yeah.

Llama Kuzco

That's Yzma and Kronk. I'm saved.

Pacha

Trust me, they're not here to save you.

Llama Kuzco

They'll take me back to the palace. Thanks for your help. You've been great. I can take it from here.

Pacha

No, no, you don't understand. They're trying to kill you.

Llama Kuzco

Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me.

Pacha

No, I can't let you.

Llama Kuzco

What? Oh, I get it.

Pacha

What?

Llama Kuzco

You don't want to take me back to the palace. You want to keep me stranded out here forever.

Pacha

No!

Llama Kuzco

This has all been an act, and I almost fell for it.

Pacha

Will you just listen to--

Llama Kuzco

No, no, you listen to me. All you care about is your stupid hilltop.

Pacha

What?

Llama Kuzco

You don't care about me. Now, just get out of here. Go!

Pacha

But, but-

Llama Kuzco

Go on, get out of here!

Pacha

FINE! [Kuzco leaves]

Oh, this entire mess is all your fault!

Kronk

What'd I do?

If you hadn't mixed up those poisons, Kuzco would be DEAD now! There'll be no more diversions until we track that llama down and KILL HIM! [at Yzma's statement, the smile on Kuzco's face instantly falls and is replaced with shock and horror. Kuzco retreats and hides in the bushes]

Kronk

Said I was sorry, can't just let it go, not even on your birthday.

Kuzco must be eliminated. The Empire will finally be rid of that useless slug.

Kronk

Well, you got a point. Nobody really seems to care that he's gone, do they?

Llama Kuzco

Pacha! [looks around] PACHA?! [Pacha has vanished; Kuzco hangs his head in despair. He takes off Pacha's poncho and hat, and walks off deep in the jungle, realizing what he's done. Scene cuts to the rainy jungle from the opening of the film. Kuzco is lonely, and not crying.]

Emperor Kuzco

So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.

Llama Kuzco

Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?

Emperor Kuzco

What? I'm just telling them what happened.

Llama Kuzco

Who are you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They know what happened.

Emperor Kuzco

Well, yeah, but-

Llama Kuzco

Just leave me alone.

Kronk

The peasant! At the diner! [beated] He didn't pay his check. [falls back asleep, wakes again] He's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco on the back of his cart. [gasps] He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. [smiles] Oh yeah, it's all comin' together. [He runs into Yzma's tent] Yzma!

WHAT?!

Kronk

UGGGGHHH!

This had better be good! [two cucumber slices fall off of her eyes]

Kuzco

Yeech.

Pacha

So, there we were standing on the cliff, and the ground started to rumble. And just as it started to go, he grabbed me before I fell. Do you believe that? [Kuzco finds Pacha in a field of llamas; to his herd] You know, call me crazy for following this guy all the way out here, but as much as he tries to deny it, I know there's some good in him. Besides, I couldn't leave him out there by himself. He's a lousy llama. I mean, a really lousy llama. [smiles at Kuzco, who approaches him]

Llama Kuzco

Hey, listen, Pacha, you know, what I said to you back at the diner, that, I didn't really...

Pacha

So, you tired of being a llama?

Llama Kuzco

YES!! [Kuzco and Pacha rush through the village to Pacha's house]

Pacha

Okay, we're just gonna stop at the house and get some supplies.

Llama Kuzco

And we'll be on our way, right?

Pacha

Right!

Hey there, Pacha! Hey, y'know you just missed your relatives.

Pacha

My relatives?

Yeah, we just sent' em up to your house!

Pacha

What did they look like?

Well, you see, there was this big guy and this older woman who was... [to Ipo] Well, how would you describe her?

Eh, scary beyond all reason.

Yeah, that's it.

Chicha

So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?

Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great-aunt. [Chicha gives her a suspicious stare; chuckles nervously] Twice removed. [sips her tea]

Chicha

Uh-huh.

Isn't that right, Kronk? [Kronk is playing jump rope with Tipo and Chaca]

Chaca

99 monkeys jumping on the bed!

Kronk

One fell off and bumped his head!

Chicha

You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way. But, as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you came by.

Oh, would you, please? That would be just great! [makes an exaggerated gesture that makes her knocks her teacup off the table] Oops. [Nervousness in chuckles] Silly me.

Chicha

No, no. [exhaustively] Allow me. [has trouble picking up a cup while bein' pregnant]

She's hiding something. When I give the word, we search the house.

Kronk

Okay, but I still have 94 monkeys to go.

So, while we're waiting for Paca...

Chicha

Pacha.

Oh, yes, perhaps we can have a tour of your lovely home.

Chicha

Y'know, why don't you just come back when Pacha gets home? I'm sure he'd love to show you the... [sees Pacha out the window signaling her to meet him in private] Well, excuse me, won't you? I think I left something in the oven. [dashes away] What?! [Back to Kronk, who a has a jump rope in each hand while Tipo and Chaca jump]

Kronk

This is my variation of Double Dutch. On the signal, we switch places.

Kronk, it's time.

Kronk

Okay! [With a twirl, Yzma is holding the jump ropes while Kronk is jumping one rope and Tipo and Chaca jump the other; Yzma growls in frustration]

Pacha

So, we have to get back to the palace, find the lab, and change him back.

Llama Kuzco

Hi there! Aah! [Chicha hits him with a frying pan]

Pacha

That was him.

Chicha

Whoops.

Tipo

You know what? I don't believe you're really my great-aunt. You're more like my great-great-great...

Chicha

Go. I'll stall them long enough for you two to get a head start.

Pacha

Thanks, honey.

Llama Kuzco

You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.

Tipo

Great-great-great...

Grr! All right! Are you through?

Tipo

...great-great-aunt.

Llama Kuzco

Hey, was it a good idea to leave your family with those two?

Pacha

Oh, don't worry. They can handle themselves.

Chicha

What do you mean the door's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.

There is no handle in here.

Chicha

There's not? Are you sure?

Alright, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is, and we'll burn your house to the ground.

Kronk

Uh, don't you mean "or"?

Tell us where the talking llama is, OR we'll burn your house to the ground.

Chaca

Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.

That's it! Kronk, break the door down!

Kronk

Break it down? Are you kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany.

I don't care, you fool! Get out of my way! I'll break it down myself. One!

Chicha

Okay, kids, you know what to do.

Two!

Right, Mom!

Three! [charges through the closet but then slips on a broom held by Tipo, then rides on a wheelbarrow and is covered by honey and feathers; falls out of the wheelbarrow]

Okay, children. On you mark, get set... [Yzma takes the place of the pinata] Go!

Ow! Stop it, you little brats! [sees Kuzco and Pacha making a run for it] THERE THEY GO, KRONK! THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!

Kronk

Ha ha ha! Well, I had a great time. Let's not wait until the next family reunion to get together.

Kronk!

Kronk

I gotta run.

A-ha-ha-ha-ha! I win.

Kronk

(Hits Yzma in the face while opening the door, causing her to drop the vial again] Whoa!

Pacha

I got it! [Kuzco smiles]

Kronk

What are the odds of that trapdoor leading me out here?! [Pacha pulls Kuzco up, they laugh and share a hug, before they realize and pull apart with a nervous chuckles]

Pacha

Um, let me get that for you. [opens the vial, and hands it to Kuzco] Here you go.

Llama Kuzco

I'll see you, on the other side. [drinks the potion, back in his human form, he apologizes to Rudy for throwing him out the window]

Oh, you stop being so hard on yourself, all is forgiven.

Emperor Kuzco

You're sure?

Ah, it's not the 1st time I was tossed out a window, and it won't be the last! What can I say? I'm a rebel [begins to play-fight]

Emperor Kuzco

Easy, tiger. [Rudy accidentally hits him] Hey, I gotta use that arm later. [Rudy leaves, chuckling] Okay, buddy, take care. Ah, he's a sweet guy. [suddenly, Pacha sees a model of Kuzcotopia summer house on top of the hilltop at the village, and Kuzco walks up to him] So, you lied to me.

Pacha

I did?

Emperor Kuzco

Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing. [takes Kuzcotopia away] So, I'll be building my summer home on a more magical hill. Thank you.

Pacha

Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?

Emperor Kuzco

No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it. [puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop] Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.

Pacha

You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.

Emperor Kuzco

Ha! Boom, baby!

Pacha

Ha! Boom, baby!

Theme song guy

♪ You'd be the coolest dude in the nation, or the hippest cat in creation. But if you ain't got friends, then nothing's worth the fuss. A perfect world will come to be, when everybody here can see that a perfect world begins and ends, a perfect worlds begins and ends, a perfect world begins and ends with us! ♪

Kronk

My acorn is missing.
Kronk's Scouts: Squeak squeakin' squeak squeakity.

Kronk

Did you eat the acorn?
Kronk's Scouts: Squeaker squeak squeak squeakin'?

Kronk

You owe me a new acorn.
Kronk's Scouts: Squeak squeaker squeak squeaker...

Squeakin'.

Kronk

I'm so proud of you, guys.