Guard
Come on, men, nobody lives forever! [At which point the guards jump down a hole and aren't seen again]
Tied for 8th most-quoted character in The Emperor's New Groove (2000): in 3 of its 46 quotes
Scenes with Guard
3 scenes
Guard
Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?
♪ There are despots and dictators. Political manipulators. There are blue bloods with the intellects of fleas. There are kings and catty tyrants who are so lacking in refinements. They'd be better suited swinging from the trees. He was born and raised to rule, no one has ever been as cool, in 1,000 years of aristocracy. ♪ [Ship's horn blows] ♪ An enigma and a mystery in Mesoamerican history, the quintessence of perfection that is he. ♪
[narrating]
OK, this is the real me. Not this. This. Not this. Winner! Loser. OK, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out.
♪ Oh, yeah! He's the sovereign lord of the nation, he's the hippest cat in creation. He's the alpha, the omega, A to Z. ♪ [Kuzco snaps his fingers] ♪ And this perfect world will spin, around his every little whim, 'cause this perfect world begins and ends with... ♪
Me.
♪ What's his name? ♪
Chorus
♪ Kuzco! ♪
♪ That's his name! ♪
Chorus
♪ Kuzco! ♪
♪ He's the king of the world! ♪
Chorus
♪ Kuzco! ♪
♪ Is he hip or what? ♪
Chorus
♪ Kuzco! ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
[While Kuzco is dancing, he accidentally bumps into the old man named Rudy as the music comes to a halt] [annoyed]
D'oh, you threw off my groove! [crosses his arms]
Palace Guard
[to Rudy]
I'm sorry. But you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. [He picks up Rudy by the collar]
♪ What's his name? Kuzco! ♪
Chorus
♪ Kuzco! ♪
♪ That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah. Oww! ♪
Ha! Boom, baby!
Official
Aah! Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.
All righty. Trot out the ladies.
[analyzes potential brides]
Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?
Official
Oh, yes. Oh, no. I mean, perhaps--
[narrating]
What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up. Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Pacha.
Uh, excuse me. I'm here to see Emperor Kuzco. You see, I got this summons--
Guard
Inside, up the stairs, and to the left. Just follow the signs.
Oh, great. Thanks a lot.
Oh!
Pardon me. That's mine.
Oh, here you go.
Thank you.
You're welcome. Aah! [noticing Rudy is caught in one of the palace streamers] Oh, hey. Are you all right? [He helps the Rudy down] What happened?
Well, I threw off the emperor's groove.
What?
His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!
Oh, okay.
Hey, are you going to be alright?!
[narrating]
See what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he's nothing compared to what happens next.
Peasant
Well... Your Highness-- I mean, Your Grace.
[narrating]
Okay, gang. Check out this piece of work. This is Yzma, the Emperor's Advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. And let's not forget about Yzma's right-hand-man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model's called Kronk.
Yeah, I'll get that, Yzma. [swats at a fly and hits himself by mistake]
[narrating]
Yep, that's Kronk! Now, lately Yzma's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinking, That's gotta stop.
It is no concern of mine whether your family has... What was it again?
Peasant
Um, food.
Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants. We're through here. Take him away. Next!
Peasant
But I-- Oh, OK.
Ugh.
The nerve of some of those peasants, huh?
Tell me about it. Aah!
Hi there.
Ooh, Your Highness.
Ahem.
Oh, oh, oh, ha ha ha. Um...
Uh, you were doing it again.
Doing? Doing... Doing what?
Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor. Remember that?
But, Your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters.
[narrating]
Whoa. Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? [Broccoli Teeth] What the-- How long has that been there?
Good thinking, Yzma. What do you say, Kuzco?
Whoa! No touchy! No touchy. No touch.
Servant
Excuse me, Your Highness. The village leader is here to see you.
Oh, great. Send him in. Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Fired? What do you mean, fired?
Um, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outppacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option... Take your pick. I got more.
But I-- You--uh-- Uhh. But-- But, Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for--for--for many, many years.
Hey, hey everybody hits their stride. You just hit yours 50 years ago. So...who's in my chair?
Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
Very good, Kronk. Here. Get the snack.
Got it! Unh! Oof!
OK, you heard the man. Up, up, up.
I'm OK. I'm fine.
Ahem. Uh, afternoon, Your Highness. I'm here because I received a summons--
Hey, there he is! My main village man.
Um, Pacha. Anyway, I got this summons--
Pacha. That's right. You are just the man I wanted to see.
I am?
Word on the street is you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, can't you?
Sure. I'll do what I can.
Good, good. That's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?
Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you-- My village?
Oh, yeah. You got a pretty sweet little setup there on top of that hill, don't you? Ha ha ha!
Yeah. My family has lived on that hilltop for the last 6 generations.
Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you get the most sun?
Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.
Well, that settles it.
Really?
Yep. Problem solved. Thanks for coming.
That's it? That's all you wanted me for?
I just needed an insider's opinion before I OK'd this spot for my pool.
Uh...your pool?
[places a model of Kuzcotopia on top of the hill, smashing the model of Pacha's house]
Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide!
Isn't it great?! It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!
Um...I don't understand how this could happen.
Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word and your town will be destroyed to make way for this... [hums carnival tune for his resort display on top of Pacha's village] So, if I were you, I'd pick up some change-of-address forms on the way home.
But, where will we live?
Wait! You can't-! [gets blocked by guards]
[appalled that a peasant has just dared to talk back to him, halts mid-stride, turns back around and gets in Pacha's face]
When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. [happily] Bye-bye!
Wait! [gets dragged off by the guards]
[After Kuzco fires Yzma, she starts using a hammer to smash effigies of him provided by Kronk]
He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?! [to Kronk] A little to the left. [Kronk nudges the head so she can smash it] Does he have ANY idea of who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! Why, I practically raised him!
Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Kuzco, huh?
The real Kuzco?
Of course, the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant.
So, how does that work with you being fired and all?
The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
And I'm one of those two, right?
To the secret lab! [they move over to two levers] Pull the lever, Kronk! [Kronk pulls a lever, opening a trap door under her; she falls through] WRONG LEVER! [splashes]
[comes out all wet and with a crocodile biting her dress]
Why do we even have that lever? [slaps the crocodile which lets go of her dress and runs away, yipping] Get out of my way. [pulls the other lever, and she and Kronk land in what is like an amusement park ride]
Skeleton Ride Voice
Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
[Ride speeds up, going through tunnels]
Whoo! Faster, faster! Yzma! Put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! [Yzma and Kronk arrive in the lab, wearing lab coats and safety goggles, do a high-five, and run to get to work]
Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! [knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead] Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this. Take it, Kronk. [laughs evilly] Oh, feel the power.
Oh. I can feel it.
Our moment of triumph approaches [laughs evilly] IT'S DINNERTIME!
