"...I'm a crumbling canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well not today, pal! [shuffling to dance] Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-uh.
Pacha [uncertainly]: You just saved my life.
[Yzma is shocked that her potion turned Kuzco into a llama instead of killing him]
Take him out of town and finish the job, now!
Kronk, this is kind of important.
[starts to protest, but stops]
Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
All right, a quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job!
Pacha [After Kuzco realizes he's been turned into a llama]
What happened?
[trying to calm down]
I'm trying to figure that out, okay? [falls and starts whining again] I can't remember! I can't remember anything! Wait a minute. [turns towards Pacha] I remember you! I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was. And then you got mad at me-- [gasps in shock, then turns back to Pacha angrily] Then you turned me into a llama!
Pacha Wha--! No, I did not!
Yes, and then you kidnapped me!
Pacha Why would I kidnap a llama?
I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me!
Pacha What?!
[pauses]
You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.
Pacha [Pacha and Kuzco are swinging to safety]
Don't worry your Highness. I got ya. You're safe now.
[The vine from which they are swinging from catches, spins them around numerous times and binds them firmly to a log]
Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?
Pacha No, no, no. It's-It's okay. This-This is all right. We can figure this out.
[The log starts to break in two]
I hate you.
PK Pacha & Kuzco
[The log breaks sending them plummeting to the ground]
Nooo!
[Tied to the log, they drop into a fast-flowing river, hit a number of rocks, then luckily are bounced into far calmer waters]
I don't know about you, but I'm getting all funned out.
Pacha Uh-oh.
[resigned]
Don't tell me: We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha Yep.
Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha Most likely.
[pause]
Bring it on. [yells as they go over] Boo-yaaa!
Pacha [Kuzco is washing his mouth out with water]
For the last time it was not a kiss.
Well, whatever you call it, [Kuzco spits the water onto Pacha's fire, putting it out] it was disgusting. And if you would've done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life. [Kuzco shakes off the water from his fur which puts out the fire Pacha has just re-lit] But now that you're here, you will take me back to the palace. I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. Oh yeah!
Pacha Okay, now look, I think we got off on the wrong foot here. I just think if you really thought about it you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.
[completely uninterested in what Pacha was saying, Kuzco finishes off drying himself with Pacha's poncho]
And why would I do that? [Kuzco throws the poncho over the fire, putting it out again]
Pacha Because [controls his anger] deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.
Pacha Well, yeah. Uh, nobody's that heartless.
Mmmm. [pauses] Now take me back.
Pacha What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.
Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the programme, eh, Pacha?
Pacha You know what? Someday, you're gonna wind up all alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
[sarcastically]
Thanks for that, I'll log that away. Now, for the final time I order you to take me back to the palace.
Pacha Looks to me like you're stuck out here because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.
[imitating Pacha]
Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back. Me, me, me. [Picks up an acorn and throws it at Pacha, hitting him on the head. Pacha looks round angrily] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't - Somebody's throwing stuff.
Kronk, why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
KS Kronk's Shoulder Angel
Whoa now!
A really, really, big, stupid monkey named Kronk!
KS Kronk's Shoulder Devil
Ouch.
And would you like to know something else? I never liked your spinach puffs. Never!
KS Kronk's Shoulder Devil
[Kronk gasps and visibly upset as his shoulder angel pats him]
That's it! [**** trident] She's goin' down.
KS Kronk's Shoulder Angel
Now guys, from above, the wicked shall receive their just reward. :[they look to the heavens and notice a chandelier as an angel chorus sings]
KS Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Devil simultaneously
That'll work.
KS Kronk's Shoulder Devil
[while Kuzco in a bag is about to go over a very large waterfall]
Listen big guy, I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one: [points to Kronk's Shoulder Angel] Look at that guy! He's got that sissy, stringy, music thing.
KS Kronk's Shoulder Angel
We've been through this; it's a harp, and you know it.
KS Kronk's Shoulder Devil
All right; that's a harp, and that's a dress.
KS Kronk's Shoulder Angel
Robe!
KS Kronk's Shoulder Devil
Reason number two: [as he does a one-handed handstand] Look what I can do!
What does that have to do with any—
KS Kronk's Shoulder Angel
No, no, he's got a point.
Look, you guys are confusing me, so, uh.... "be gone", or whatever I do to get rid of you guys.
KS Kronk's Shoulder Angel and Devil
That'll work. [they poof out of existence]
Pacha Agh! Demon llama!
Demon llama?! Where![screams]
So, what did the emperor want?
Pacha [clears throat]
Oh, you know what, he couldn't see me.
[angrily]
Couldn't see you? Why not?
Pacha I don't know.
Well-well, that's just rude!
Pacha Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.
No, no, no, no, no. NO! Emperor or no emperor, it's called common courtesy.
Pacha Honey.
If that were me, I'd march right back there and demand to see him and you know I would.
Pacha Sweetie, sweetie. Think of the baby.
Pacha, I'm fine. This baby's not coming out for while. But even if it was, I'd give that guy a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior just- just- [snorts]. I gotta go wash something.
[To Yzma]
You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way. But, as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you came by.
Oh, would you, please? That would be just great. [Yzma makes an exaggerated gesture that makes her knock her tea cup off the table] Oops. Silly me.
No no. [exhaustedly] Allow me. [Chicha bends down to get the cup. Because she's pregnant, she has trouble picking it up.]
Pacha [After a long chase sequence, where Yzma and Kronk fell into a canyon, Kuzco and Pacha have reached Yzma's laboratory and are looking for the human potion in a cabinet]
Let's see. Lions, tigers, bears-
[There are no bottles in the human section]
Oh my. [Steps out of a shadow holding the potion] Looking for this?
No, it's impossible! How did you get back here before us?
Ah.... [Looks confused] How did we get back here, Kronk?
Well, ya got me. [Pulls down a chart displaying the progress of the previous chase] By all accounts, it doesn't make any sense.
Oh well. Back to business.
[nervous]
Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been; but Yzma, you really wanna kill me?!
Just think of it as...you're being let go. That your life's going in a different direction. That your body is part of a permanent outplacement.
Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
I know. It's called a cruel irony. Like my dependence on you.
[The title shows]
Oh, yeah.
♪ There are despots and dictators. Political manipulators. There are blue bloods with the intellects of fleas. There are kings and catty tyrants who are so lacking in refinements. They'd be better suited swinging from the trees. He was born and raised to rule, no one has ever been as cool, in 1,000 years of aristocracy. ♪ [Ship's horn blows] ♪ An enigma and a mystery in Mesoamerican history, the quintessence of perfection that is he. ♪
[narrating]
OK, this is the real me. Not this. This. Not this. Winner! Loser. OK, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out.
[snaps his fingers]
Butler. Chef. Theme song guy.
♪ Oh, yeah! He's the sovereign lord of the nation, he's the hippest cat in creation. He's the alpha, the omega, A to Z. ♪ [Kuzco snaps his fingers] ♪ And this perfect world will spin, around his every little whim, 'cause this perfect world begins and ends with... ♪
♪ He's the king of the world! ♪
[While Kuzco is dancing, he accidentally bumps into the old man named Rudy as the music comes to a halt] [annoyed]
D'oh, you threw off my groove! [crosses his arms]
[to Rudy]
I'm sorry. But you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. [He picks up Rudy by the collar]
[He is thrown out the window]
SORRY!!!!!
[to Theme Song Guy]
You were saying?
♪ What's his name? Kuzco! ♪
♪ That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah. Oww! ♪
O Official
Aah! Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.
All righty. Trot out the ladies.
[analyzes potential brides]
Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?
O Official
Oh, yes. Oh, no. I mean, perhaps--
[narrating]
What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up. Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Pacha.
Pacha Uh, excuse me. I'm here to see Emperor Kuzco. You see, I got this summons--
Inside, up the stairs, and to the left. Just follow the signs.
Pacha Oh, great. Thanks a lot.
[narrating]
Uh, and don't be fooled by the folksy peasant look.
Pacha Oh!
Pacha Oh, here you go.
Pacha You're welcome. Aah! [noticing Rudy is caught in one of the palace streamers] Oh, hey. Are you all right? [He helps the Rudy down] What happened?
Well, I threw off the emperor's groove.
Pacha What?
His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!
Pacha [gasps in shock]
Oh, really? Well, I'm supposed to see him today-
[leaps up and shakes him by the collar]
DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROOVE!
Pacha Oh, okay.
[climbing down]
Beware the groove!
Pacha Hey, are you going to be alright?!
[narrating]
See what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he's nothing compared to what happens next.
[first words]
And why have you come here today?
P Peasant
Well... Your Highness-- I mean, Your Grace.
[narrating]
Okay, gang. Check out this piece of work. This is Yzma, the Emperor's Advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. And let's not forget about Yzma's right-hand-man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model's called Kronk.
Yeah, I'll get that, Yzma. [swats at a fly and hits himself by mistake]
[narrating]
Yep, that's Kronk! Now, lately Yzma's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinking, That's gotta stop.
It is no concern of mine whether your family has... What was it again?
Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants. We're through here. Take him away. Next!
P Peasant
But I-- Oh, OK.
The nerve of some of those peasants, huh?
Oh, oh, oh, ha ha ha. Um...
Uh, you were doing it again.
Doing? Doing... Doing what?
Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor. Remember that?
But, Your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters.
[narrating]
Whoa. Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? [Broccoli Teeth] What the-- How long has that been there?
Good thinking, Yzma. What do you say, Kuzco?
Whoa! No touchy! No touchy. No touch.
S Servant
Excuse me, Your Highness. The village leader is here to see you.
Oh, great. Send him in. Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Fired? What do you mean, fired?
Um, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outppacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option... Take your pick. I got more.
But I-- You--uh-- Uhh. But-- But, Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for--for--for many, many years.
Hey, hey everybody hits their stride. You just hit yours 50 years ago. So...who's in my chair?
Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
Very good, Kronk. Here. Get the snack.
OK, you heard the man. Up, up, up.
[Yzma snarls]
Ah. OK. Show him in.
Pacha Ahem. Uh, afternoon, Your Highness. I'm here because I received a summons--
Hey, there he is! My main village man.
Pacha Um, Pacha. Anyway, I got this summons--
Pacha. That's right. You are just the man I wanted to see.
Pacha I am?
Word on the street is you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, can't you?
Pacha Sure. I'll do what I can.
Good, good. That's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?
Pacha Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you-- My village?
Oh, yeah. You got a pretty sweet little setup there on top of that hill, don't you? Ha ha ha!
Pacha Yeah. My family has lived on that hilltop for the last 6 generations.
Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you get the most sun?
Pacha Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.
Pacha Really?
Yep. Problem solved. Thanks for coming.
Pacha That's it? That's all you wanted me for?
I just needed an insider's opinion before I OK'd this spot for my pool.
Pacha Uh...your pool?
[places a model of Kuzcotopia on top of the hill, smashing the model of Pacha's house]
Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide!
Pacha [absolutely shocked]
What?
Isn't it great?! It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!
Pacha Um...I don't understand how this could happen.
Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word and your town will be destroyed to make way for this... [hums carnival tune for his resort display on top of Pacha's village] So, if I were you, I'd pick up some change-of-address forms on the way home.
Pacha But, where will we live?
[thinks]
Hmm, don't know. Don't care. How's that? [starts to leave]
Pacha Wait! You can't-! [gets blocked by guards]
[appalled that a peasant has just dared to talk back to him, halts mid-stride, turns back around and gets in Pacha's face]
When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. [happily] Bye-bye!
Pacha Wait! [gets dragged off by the guards]
[narrating]
Oh, yeah. Everything was goin' my way. Or so I thought.
[After Kuzco fires Yzma, she starts using a hammer to smash effigies of him provided by Kronk]
He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?! [to Kronk] A little to the left. [Kronk nudges the head so she can smash it] Does he have ANY idea of who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! Why, I practically raised him!
[lays down another bust, which Yzma smashes]
Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.
Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Kuzco, huh?
[gasps and smiles evilly]
That's it, Kronk! That's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco.
Of course, the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant.
So, how does that work with you being fired and all?
The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
And I'm one of those two, right?
To the secret lab! [they move over to two levers] Pull the lever, Kronk! [Kronk pulls a lever, opening a trap door under her; she falls through] WRONG LEVER! [splashes]
[looks down the trap door]
Uh...
[comes out all wet and with a crocodile biting her dress]
Why do we even have that lever? [slaps the crocodile which lets go of her dress and runs away, yipping] Get out of my way. [pulls the other lever, and she and Kronk land in what is like an amusement park ride]
SR Skeleton Ride Voice
Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
[Ride speeds up, going through tunnels]
Whoo! Faster, faster! Yzma! Put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! [Yzma and Kronk arrive in the lab, wearing lab coats and safety goggles, do a high-five, and run to get to work]
Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! [knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead] Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this. Take it, Kronk. [laughs evilly] Oh, feel the power.
Our moment of triumph approaches [laughs evilly] IT'S DINNERTIME!
Pacha Huh? Whoa.
Pacha Where'd you come from, little guy?
Pacha Aah! Demon llama!
Demon llama? Where? Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Ooh hoo hoo! Ow! Ow, my head.
Pacha OK, demon llama. Just take it easy. I mean you no harm.
What are you talking talking about-- Oh, wait. I know you. You're that whiny peasant.
Pacha [gasps]
Emperor Kuzco?
Yeah. Who do you think you were talkin' to?
Pacha Uh...how did-- Um... you don't... look like the emperor.
What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?
Pacha Uh...oh... do this...
What is this, some kind of little game you country folk like to-- Aah! It can't be! Aah! Aah! Aah! My face! Aah! My beautiful, beautiful face!
Pacha Okay, Okay, Okay.
I'm an ugly, stinky llama!
Pacha Wait, Okay, Your Majesty.
Pacha Shh! What happened?
I'm trying to figure that out, okay? [laughing hysterically, whimpering frantically] Ohh-ho! I can't remember. I can't remember anything. Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Ohh! And you turned me into a llama!
Pacha What? No, I did not.
Yes, and then you kidnapped me.
Pacha Why would I kidnap a llama?
I have no idea. You're the crinimal mastermind, not me.
Pacha What?
Hmm. You're right. That's giving you way too much credit. OK. I have to get back to the palace. Yzma's got that "secret lab." I'll just snap my fingers and order her to change me back. Hey, you. No waste. Let's go. Hey, tiny, I want to get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.
Pacha Build your summerhouse somewhere else.
[turns back at Pacha]
You want to run that by me again?
Pacha I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.
Hmm. I got a little secret for you. Come here. [Pacha leans close.] No, closer. [Pacha leans closer, he angrily screams is his face.] I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH PEASANTS!
Pacha Then I guess I can't take you back.
Fine. I don't need you. I can find my own way back.
Pacha [blocks Kuzco's way]
I wouldn't recommend it. It's a little dangerous if you don't know the way.
Nice try, pal. [walks off]
Pacha No, really. I'm telling you, there are jaguars and snakes and quicksand.
[high voice]
I'm not listening.
Pacha I'm not kidding. Listen, you cannot go in there.
La la la la. Oh. Heh heh. Still not listening.
Pacha Aw, you... Fine. Fine. Go ahead! If there's no Kuzco, there's no Kuzcotopia. Takes care of my problem. Hmm.
Pacha [gasping, continue gasping, inhales, sighs]
Your Highness. Your Highness, can you hear me? Oh, boy. Come on, breathe. Breathe! Ohh. Why me? Ooh! All right. [inhales] Ohh!
LK Llama Kuzco and Pacha
[spit]
LK Llama Kuzco and Pacha
Ohh!
Pacha [Kuzco is rinsing his mouth after a failed attempted CPR] [while starting the fire]
For the last time, it was not a kiss.
Well, whatever you call it. [spits water on the fire] It was disgusting. And to think, if you'd done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life. [shakes the water out of him, which puts out another fire]
Pacha [annoyed]
Augh!
But now that we're here, you will take me back to the palace, I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. [builds a house with a rock, sticks, and a leaf] Oh, yeah.
Pacha Okay, now look. I think we got off on the wrong foot here.
[drying himself with Pacha's poncho]
Um-hm.
Pacha I just think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.
And why would I do that? [throws the poncho onto the fireplace, which puts out another fire]
Pacha Because...Deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.
Pacha Well, yeah! Uh, nobody's that heartless.
Pacha What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.
Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program. Eh, Pacha?
Pacha You know, someday you're gonna wind up all alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Thanks for that, I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.
Pacha Looks to me like you're stuck out here. Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back.
[mocking]
"Because unless you change your mind, I'm not gonna take you back." Me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo. [throws an acorn at Pacha, who glares at him] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't do that. Somebody's throwing stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?
Pacha [sighs; to himself]
He's never going to change his mind.
[sighs; to himself]
How am I ever gonna get out of here? [muttering, shivering, stops shivering]
[During Kuzco's "Funeral"]
And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince... Taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his 18th birthday.
[sobs; tearfully]
Poor little guy.
His legacy will live on in our hearts for all eternity.
Well, he ain't getting any deader! [rips off black cloak to reveal a hot pink extravaganza of an outfit] Back to work. [The attendees quickly toss their candles away and get to work renovating the palace]
Kronk, darling, I must admit you had me worried when you mixed up those poisons, but now that Kuzco is dead, all is forgiven.
Ah. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's dead, all right. Heh heh. I mean, you can't get much deader than he-- then he is right now. Unless, of course, we killed him again.
Hey, look, the royal dresser's here.
I should tell you right now I'm kind of hard to fit.
I wear a 66 long and a 31 waist.
Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
[nervously]
Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?
[drops her plate of wings; angrily clenches her teeth]
He's still alive?!
Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.
Just thought I'd give you a heads-up, in case Kuzco ever came back.
Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.
You think?! You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through! NOW LET'S MOVE!!!
[awakens and scared in pain]
DAD, LOOK OUT!
[to Tipo]
Tipo, what is it?
I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and was careening out of control down a raging river of death!
All right, all right, it's okay.
It's okay, it's okay. Tipo, calm down. It was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the emperor.
Oh. Like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.
Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama.
Yeah, like that would ever happen.
C Chica
Good night, you two.
Pacha Ooh! [coughs] Brr!
Pacha Oh. No problem.
Pacha Yeah.
Pacha Oh, yeah, it is.
Oh, yeah, I thought so. It's nice.
Pacha My wife made it.
Pacha Crochets.
Pacha Thanks.
F Frog
[ribbit, ribbit ribbit]
So... So, I was thinking that when I got back to the city, we'd, uh... I mean, there's lots of hilltops, and maybe I might, you know... I might...
Pacha Are you saying... you've changed your mind?
Pacha Because you know that means you're doing something nice for someone else.
Pacha And you're all right with that?
Pacha Don't shake unless you mean it. All right. Let's get you back to the palace. Oh, by the way, thanks.
Pacha OK. Once we cross this bridge, it's only an hour to the palace.
Good, because believe it or not, I think I need a bath.
Pacha I believe it. What was that?
Pacha Ohh! Whoa! Kuzco! Kuzco!
Pacha Quick, help me up!
No. I don't think I will.
Pacha You're going to leave me here?
Well, I was going to have you imprisoned for life, but I kind of like this better.
Pacha I thought you were a changed man.
Oh, come on. I had to say something to get you to take me back to the city.
Pacha So all of it was a lie?
Well, yeah. No, wait. Uh, yeah, yeah. It all was a lie. Toodles.
Pacha We shook hands on it!
You know, the funny thing about about shaking hands is you need hands. Ha! OK. Buh-bye. Aah!
Pacha [After Pacha and Kuzco are hung from the ropes to the bridge]
Are you okay? Are you all right?
Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm all right.
Pacha Good! [punches Kuzco] That's for going back on your promise!
[kicks Pacha sending him flying back]
Yeah! That's for kidnapping me and taking me to your village, which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. [chuckles nervously] No touchy.
Pacha [headbutts Kuzco throwing him into the rocks]
Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong!
[sarcastically]
Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad, bad llama.
Pacha I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over!
Well, that makes you ugly and stupid!
Pacha Let's end this.
Pacha [bell dings]
Aah!
LK Llama Kuzco and Pacha
[grunting; honks]
LK Llama Kuzco and Pacha
Aah! [screams] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Pacha Whoa!
Oh! [Alligators roars] What are we gonna do? Aah! What are we gonna do? We're gonna die! We're gonna die! That's it for me!
Pacha No, we're not. Calm down. I have an idea. Give me your arm. OK, now the other one. When I say go, push against my back, and we'll walk up the hill. Ready? Go.
Ow! You did that on purpose. Aah!
Pacha No, I didn't! Now, we're gonna have to work together to get out of this, so follow my lead. Ready? Right foot.
Whose right? Your right or mine?
Pacha I don't care. Mine.
Pacha OK, your right! Ready?
Pacha OK, right. Left. Right.
Ha ha! Look, we're moving! Aah!
Pacha Don't look down! Now, stay with me. Stay with me. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right!
Pacha Working on it. OK, here's the deal. Stretch out your neck, and I'll grab the rope.
How do I know you won't let me fall after you grab the rope?
Pacha You're just gonna have to trust me!
[strains]
You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy, or this would be really difficult. Aah! Aah!
Pacha Almost. Got it! It's stuck.
Take your time. No hurry here. Scorpions! Aah ha ha!
Pacha Kuzco!
Pacha Uhh! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Pacha Whoa! [Kuzco and Pacha laugh] Huh?
Pacha Ohh! Ohh.
[rescues Pacha from falling back into the canyon]
WHOO! YEAH! Look at me and my bad self! I snatched you right outta the air! "Oh, I'm a crumbling canyon wall, and I'm taking you with me." Well, not today, pal. Uh-huh, uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Pacha [stunned]
You just saved my life.
Pacha [pleased]
I knew it.
Pacha That there is some good in you after all.
Pacha Admit it.
Pacha Yes, there is.
Pacha I think there is.
Pacha Hey, you could've let me fall.
Come on, what's the big deal? Nobody's that heartless! [stops, surprised, then trying to downplay it] Eh, don't put too much into it. It was a one-time thing.
Pacha Yeah, sure. Well, we better get going. With that bridge out, it's a four-day walk to the palace.
What, you mean you're still taking me back?
Pacha I shook on it, didn't I?
Well, yeah. But I hope you realize that doesn't change a thing. I'm still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.
Pacha Well, four days is a long time. Who knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.
Uh-huh. Four days. What are the chances of you carrying me?
Pacha Not good.
No! No! No! We've searched every village around the palace, and still no sign of Kuzco! Where is he?! [growls in frustration and calls Kronk] KRONK?!
I’m getting tired! Pull over!
Sure thing. Kronk out. Ooh! Aah! Aah! Ohh!
[straining; her feet are stuck in the mud, while trying to walk]
Perfect. These are my best shoes. [forcefully pulls her high heels off] I hate this jungle. [Insects buzzing]
Oh, look. A golden-throated small-winged warbler. Just one more for exotic bird bingo.
[while being chased by bees]
Aah!
[Yzma trips herself, and breathes out for air. Bucky enters.] [gasps; Bucky chatters]
Get away from me! Uhh.
[Bucky chatters]
Yeah. Tell me about it. [Bucky chatters] No, no, it's not you. She's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there. Trust me.
Are you talking to that squirrel?
I was a junior chipmunk. I had to be versed in the woodland creatures. Please continue. [Bucky chatters]
Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy has had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.
Oh, a talking llama? Ha ha ha ha! Do tell. Heh heh heh heh! [Bucky chatters]
Uh, he doesn't really want to talk to you.
[sighs]
I hate being in the middle. Squeaky, uh... squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.
Jaguars? No kidding? Brutal. [Bucky chattering and stops chattering]
Uh, could you give us a little room here?
A little bit more, please.
How is this? [Bucky chatters]
Now ask him which way the talking llama went!
Uh, squeakity-squeak, squeakin'. [Bucky chatters]
Pacha [carries Kuzco while walking]
Low blood sugar, huh?
Yeah, it's a curse. [laughs]
Pacha Well, as soon as we get something to eat, you're walking the rest of the way.
M Mata
[sighs]
Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the mug of meat. What'll it be? [Llama Kuzco giggles]
Pacha Ahem. We'll have two specials. Is that all right, dear?
LK Llama Kuzco
Oh, whatever you say, pumpkin. You know what I like.
Pacha Hee hee hee. We're on our honeymoon.
M Mata
Bless you for coming out in public. So that's two specials.
LK Llama Kuzco
And an onion log. To split. [giggles]
M Mata
Ordering! I need two heartburns and a deep-fried doorstop on table twelve!
Pacha OK, so I'll admit this was a good idea.
LK Llama Kuzco
When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?
Pacha That's funny, because I thought you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really bad ideas.
LK Llama Kuzco
Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.
M Mata
[enter with pillbugs]
Hot and crispy pillbug for the happy couple. Mazel tov. [leaves]
Pacha [taps the pillbug with a straw to open it]
Oh, boy. [slurps]
LK Llama Kuzco
Ooh. Ugh. Bluh. Urp!
Pacha Oh, here. Let me get that for you. [taps another pillbug with a straw to open it]
LK Llama Kuzco
[disgusted]
Bleaggh! Uck! [gets up to walk to the kitchen]
Pacha [with his mouthful]
Where are you going?
LK Llama Kuzco
I'm just going to slip into the kitchen and have a word with the chef.
Pacha [still mouthful]
You're gonna get us thrown out.
LK Llama Kuzco
Please. With this disguise, I'm invisible. [heads into the kitchen]
[she and Kronk enters, as Pacha finishes his slurping]
We've been walking around in circles for who knows how long. That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel. I should have done away with Kuzco myself when I had the chance.
Pacha [chokes on his pullbug exterior, coughs]
Oh, you really gotta stop beating yourself up about that. Uh-oh. I'll get you another one, Yzma. Yo.
Pacha [gasps]
You using that fork there, pal? Hey, don't I know you?
Pacha I don't think so.
Wrestled you in high school?
Pacha Don't remember that.
Metal shop? I got it! Miss Narca's interpretive dance--two semesters. I was usually in the back of my weak ankles. Come on, pal. You gotta help me out here.
Pacha I don't think we've ever met, but I gotta go.
Don't worry. I'll think of it.
LK Llama Kuzco
Look, all I know is the food looked iffy. I'm not the only one that thinks that, I'm sure.
Pacha Psst! Hey!
LK Llama Kuzco
So I'm just checking to make sure you're going to take the main course up a notch.
Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?
Hang on. I'll go ask the chef.
LK Llama Kuzco
It's a simple question. Is there or is there not anything edible on this menu?
Pacha [gasps]
LK Llama Kuzco
Hey, I didn't ask him about dessert yet!
Hey, pal, what's your policy on making special orders?
C Chef
All right, buster! You want a special order, then you make it! I quit!
C Chef
I try and I try! There's no respect for anyone with vision! That's it, I guess there's nothing I can do about it!
Uh- wait- Please don't go. [the now-former chef storms out]
M Mata
Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?
[having a chance to cook]
Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill. Got it.
LK Llama Kuzco
What's going on?
Pacha There's no time to explain. We gotta get out of here.
What is he doing in there?
Pacha Uhh! Come on!
LK Llama Kuzco
In a minute. I'm still hungry.
Pacha No, Kuzco!
LK Llama Kuzco
OK, I'll make it simple for you. I'll have a spinach omelet with wheat toast. You got it?
Kronk, what are you doing?
[Yzma and Kuzco are ordering meals from Kronk. When one exits, the other enters, so they never see each other]
Ohh! Oh, well, while you're at it, make me the special. And hold the gravy!
LK Llama Kuzco
You know what? On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.
Kronk, can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
I'll have to charge you full price. [Yzma groans]
LK Llama Kuzco
Hey, how about a side of potatoes, buddy?
You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
LK Llama Kuzco
Spuds yes, cheese no.
LK Llama Kuzco
Cheese, me no like-y.
[growing frustrated]
Ah, come on, make up your mind!
LK Llama Kuzco
Okay, okay, on second thought-
YA Yzma and Llama Kuzco
Make my potatoes a salad.
M Mata
[Pacha whispers into Mata's ear to avoid Yzma finding Kuzco]
Don't worry, honey. We do this all the time. [leaves]
P Patrons
[As Yzma stares at Kuzco, who's in drag by wearing Pacha's hat and poncho while wearing makeup] [singing]
ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! [gives Yzma a distracted birthday party] HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FROM ALL OF US TO YOU! WE WISH IT WAS OUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE COULD PARTY TOO! [Pacha pulls Kuzco out of the table and an annoyed Yzma is wearing a huge sombrero and crossing her arms next to the birthday cake with many candles] HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! WE WISH IT WAS OUR BIRTHDAY, SO WE COULD PARTY TOO!
[comes out of the kitchen while cooking and laughing]
Hahaha! It's your birthday?!
LK Llama Kuzco
[gets escorted out of the restaurant by Pacha]
What are you doing?!
Pacha Look, there's two people in there looking for you.
Pacha A big guy and a skinny old woman.
LK Llama Kuzco
Wait, was this woman scary beyond all reason?
Pacha Oh, yeah.
LK Llama Kuzco
That's Yzma and Kronk. I'm saved.
Pacha Trust me, they're not here to save you.
LK Llama Kuzco
They'll take me back to the palace. Thanks for your help. You've been great. I can take it from here.
Pacha No, no, you don't understand. They're trying to kill you.
LK Llama Kuzco
Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me.
Pacha No, I can't let you.
LK Llama Kuzco
What? Oh, I get it.
Pacha What?
LK Llama Kuzco
[getting angry]
You don't want to take me back to the palace. You want to keep me stranded out here forever.
Pacha No!
LK Llama Kuzco
This has all been an act, and I almost fell for it.
Pacha Will you just listen to--
LK Llama Kuzco
No, no, you listen to me. All you care about is your stupid hilltop.
Pacha [shocked]
What?
LK Llama Kuzco
You don't care about me. Now, just get out of here. Go!
Pacha But, but-
LK Llama Kuzco
Go on, get out of here!
Pacha [frustrated]
FINE! [Kuzco leaves]
[The scene cuts to Yzma and Kronk leaving the diner]
Oh, this entire mess is all your fault!
If you hadn't mixed up those poisons, Kuzco would be DEAD now! There'll be no more diversions until we track that llama down and KILL HIM! [at Yzma's statement, the smile on Kuzco's face instantly falls and is replaced with shock and horror. Kuzco retreats and hides in the bushes]
Said I was sorry, can't just let it go, not even on your birthday.
Kuzco must be eliminated. The Empire will finally be rid of that useless slug.
Well, you got a point. Nobody really seems to care that he's gone, do they?
LK Llama Kuzco
[stares in shock as he watches Yzma and Kronk leave]
Pacha! [looks around] PACHA?! [Pacha has vanished; Kuzco hangs his head in despair. He takes off Pacha's poncho and hat, and walks off deep in the jungle, realizing what he's done. Scene cuts to the rainy jungle from the opening of the film. Kuzco is lonely, and not crying.]
EK Emperor Kuzco
[narrating]
So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.
LK Llama Kuzco
Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?
EK Emperor Kuzco
[narrating]
What? I'm just telling them what happened.
LK Llama Kuzco
Who are you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They know what happened.
EK Emperor Kuzco
[narrating]
Well, yeah, but-
LK Llama Kuzco
Just leave me alone.
[The camera zooms out, as Kuzco sulks. Then the scene fades next to the tents.] [He sleeps outside in his jammies while holding a teddy bear; he wakes up]
The peasant! At the diner! [beated] He didn't pay his check. [falls back asleep, wakes again] He's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco on the back of his cart. [gasps] He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. [smiles] Oh yeah, it's all comin' together. [He runs into Yzma's tent] Yzma!
[She wakes up with facial cream and cucumber slices over her eyes]
WHAT?!
This had better be good! [two cucumber slices fall off of her eyes]
[sighs, sniffs, and gulps]
Yeech.
Pacha So, there we were standing on the cliff, and the ground started to rumble. And just as it started to go, he grabbed me before I fell. Do you believe that? [Kuzco finds Pacha in a field of llamas; to his herd] You know, call me crazy for following this guy all the way out here, but as much as he tries to deny it, I know there's some good in him. Besides, I couldn't leave him out there by himself. He's a lousy llama. I mean, a really lousy llama. [smiles at Kuzco, who approaches him]
Hey, listen, Pacha, you know, what I said to you back at the diner, that, I didn't really...
Pacha [holds up his hand to stop him]
So, you tired of being a llama?
[sniffles and sobs]
YES!! [Kuzco and Pacha rush through the village to Pacha's house]
Pacha Okay, we're just gonna stop at the house and get some supplies.
And we'll be on our way, right?
Pacha Right!
I Ipo
[They come across Topo and Ipi playing checkers]
Hey there, Pacha! Hey, y'know you just missed your relatives.
Pacha My relatives?
I Ipi
Yeah, we just sent' em up to your house!
Pacha What did they look like?
I Ipi
Well, you see, there was this big guy and this older woman who was... [to Ipo] Well, how would you describe her?
I Ipo
Eh, scary beyond all reason.
[Both Pacha and Kuzco are in shock] [At Pacha's house, Yzma is having tea with Chicha while posing as a long-lost relative] [pouring tea into Yzma's cup]
So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?
Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great-aunt. [Chicha gives her a suspicious stare; chuckles nervously] Twice removed. [sips her tea]
Isn't that right, Kronk? [Kronk is playing jump rope with Tipo and Chaca]
99 monkeys jumping on the bed!
One fell off and bumped his head!
[Yzma is annoyed]
You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way. But, as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you came by.
Oh, would you, please? That would be just great! [makes an exaggerated gesture that makes her knocks her teacup off the table] Oops. [Nervousness in chuckles] Silly me.
No, no. [exhaustively] Allow me. [has trouble picking up a cup while bein' pregnant]
[dashes up to Kronk, who is jumping rope with Tipo and Chaca. As she talks to Kronk, she's skipping with him while playing patty-cake]
She's hiding something. When I give the word, we search the house.
Okay, but I still have 94 monkeys to go.
[groans and cartwheels back to the table after Chicha picks up the cup]
So, while we're waiting for Paca...
Oh, yes, perhaps we can have a tour of your lovely home.
Y'know, why don't you just come back when Pacha gets home? I'm sure he'd love to show you the... [sees Pacha out the window signaling her to meet him in private] Well, excuse me, won't you? I think I left something in the oven. [dashes away] What?! [Back to Kronk, who a has a jump rope in each hand while Tipo and Chaca jump]
This is my variation of Double Dutch. On the signal, we switch places.
Okay! [With a twirl, Yzma is holding the jump ropes while Kronk is jumping one rope and Tipo and Chaca jump the other; Yzma growls in frustration]
Pacha So, we have to get back to the palace, find the lab, and change him back.
Hi there! Aah! [Chicha hits him with a frying pan]
Pacha That was him.
You know what? I don't believe you're really my great-aunt. You're more like my great-great-great...
Go. I'll stall them long enough for you two to get a head start.
Pacha Thanks, honey.
You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.
Grr! All right! Are you through?
(Hits Yzma in the face while opening the door, causing her to drop the vial again] Whoa!
Pacha [catches the vial]
I got it! [Kuzco smiles]
What are the odds of that trapdoor leading me out here?! [Pacha pulls Kuzco up, they laugh and share a hug, before they realize and pull apart with a nervous chuckles]
Pacha Um, let me get that for you. [opens the vial, and hands it to Kuzco] Here you go.
LK Llama Kuzco
I'll see you, on the other side. [drinks the potion, back in his human form, he apologizes to Rudy for throwing him out the window]
Oh, you stop being so hard on yourself, all is forgiven.
EK Emperor Kuzco
You're sure?
Ah, it's not the 1st time I was tossed out a window, and it won't be the last! What can I say? I'm a rebel [begins to play-fight]
EK Emperor Kuzco
Easy, tiger. [Rudy accidentally hits him] Hey, I gotta use that arm later. [Rudy leaves, chuckling] Okay, buddy, take care. Ah, he's a sweet guy. [suddenly, Pacha sees a model of Kuzcotopia summer house on top of the hilltop at the village, and Kuzco walks up to him] So, you lied to me.
Pacha I did?
EK Emperor Kuzco
Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing. [takes Kuzcotopia away] So, I'll be building my summer home on a more magical hill. Thank you.
Pacha Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
EK Emperor Kuzco
No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it. [puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop] Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
Pacha [smiles, Kuzco sit next to Pacha in silence in the moment on the bench]
You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.
EK Emperor Kuzco
Ha! Boom, baby!
Pacha Ha! Boom, baby!
♪ You'd be the coolest dude in the nation, or the hippest cat in creation. But if you ain't got friends, then nothing's worth the fuss. A perfect world will come to be, when everybody here can see that a perfect world begins and ends, a perfect worlds begins and ends, a perfect world begins and ends with us! ♪
