Emperor Kuzco
Oh, yeah.
Theme Song Guy
♪ There are despots and dictators. Political manipulators. There are blue bloods with the intellects of fleas. There are kings and catty tyrants who are so lacking in refinements. They'd be better suited swinging from the trees. He was born and raised to rule, no one has ever been as cool, in 1,000 years of aristocracy. ♪ [Ship's horn blows] ♪ An enigma and a mystery in Mesoamerican history, the quintessence of perfection that is he. ♪
Emperor Kuzco
OK, this is the real me. Not this. This. Not this. Winner! Loser. OK, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out.
Emperor Kuzco
Butler. Chef. Theme song guy.
Theme Song Guy
♪ Oh, yeah! He's the sovereign lord of the nation, he's the hippest cat in creation. He's the alpha, the omega, A to Z. ♪ [Kuzco snaps his fingers] ♪ And this perfect world will spin, around his every little whim, 'cause this perfect world begins and ends with... ♪
Emperor Kuzco
Me.
Theme Song Guy
♪ What's his name? ♪
♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy
♪ That's his name! ♪
♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy
♪ He's the king of the world! ♪
♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy
♪ Is he hip or what? ♪
♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy
♪ Yeah! ♪
Emperor Kuzco
D'oh, you threw off my groove! [crosses his arms]
I'm sorry. But you've thrown off the Emperor's groove. [He picks up Rudy by the collar]
SORRY!!!!!
Emperor Kuzco
You were saying?
Theme Song Guy
♪ What's his name? Kuzco! ♪
♪ Kuzco! ♪
Theme Song Guy
♪ That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah. Oww! ♪
Emperor Kuzco
Ha! Boom, baby!
Aah! Your Highness, it is time for you to choose your bride.
Emperor Kuzco
All righty. Trot out the ladies.
Emperor Kuzco
Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?
Oh, yes. Oh, no. I mean, perhaps--
Emperor Kuzco
What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up. Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Pacha.
Pacha
Uh, excuse me. I'm here to see Emperor Kuzco. You see, I got this summons--
Inside, up the stairs, and to the left. Just follow the signs.
Pacha
Oh, great. Thanks a lot.
Emperor Kuzco
Uh, and don't be fooled by the folksy peasant look.
Pacha
Oh!
Pardon me. That's mine.
Pacha
Oh, here you go.
Thank you.
Pacha
You're welcome. Aah! [noticing Rudy is caught in one of the palace streamers] Oh, hey. Are you all right? [He helps the Rudy down] What happened?
Well, I threw off the emperor's groove.
Pacha
What?
His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behavior! I threw it off! And the emperor had me thrown out the window!
Pacha
Oh, really? Well, I'm supposed to see him today-
DON'T THROW OFF HIS GROOVE!
Pacha
Oh, okay.
Beware the groove!
Pacha
Hey, are you going to be alright?!
The groove...
Emperor Kuzco
See what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he's nothing compared to what happens next.
And why have you come here today?
Well... Your Highness-- I mean, Your Grace.
Emperor Kuzco
Okay, gang. Check out this piece of work. This is Yzma, the Emperor's Advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. And let's not forget about Yzma's right-hand-man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model's called Kronk.
Kronk
Yeah, I'll get that, Yzma. [swats at a fly and hits himself by mistake]
Emperor Kuzco
Yep, that's Kronk! Now, lately Yzma's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinking, That's gotta stop.
It is no concern of mine whether your family has... What was it again?
Um, food.
Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants. We're through here. Take him away. Next!
But I-- Oh, OK.
Ugh.
Emperor Kuzco
The nerve of some of those peasants, huh?
Tell me about it. Aah!
Emperor Kuzco
Hi there.
Ooh, Your Highness.
Emperor Kuzco
Ahem.
Oh, oh, oh, ha ha ha. Um...
Emperor Kuzco
Uh, you were doing it again.
Doing? Doing... Doing what?
Emperor Kuzco
Doing my job. I'm the emperor, and you're the emperor's advisor. Remember that?
But, Your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters.
Emperor Kuzco
Whoa. Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? [Broccoli Teeth] What the-- How long has that been there?
Kronk
Good thinking, Yzma. What do you say, Kuzco?
Emperor Kuzco
Whoa! No touchy! No touchy. No touch.
Excuse me, Your Highness. The village leader is here to see you.
Emperor Kuzco
Oh, great. Send him in. Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Fired? What do you mean, fired?
Emperor Kuzco
Um, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outppacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option... Take your pick. I got more.
But I-- You--uh-- Uhh. But-- But, Your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for--for--for many, many years.
Emperor Kuzco
Hey, hey everybody hits their stride. You just hit yours 50 years ago. So...who's in my chair?
Kronk
Oh, oh! I know! Yzma. Yzma's in your chair, right?
Emperor Kuzco
Very good, Kronk. Here. Get the snack.
Kronk
Got it! Unh! Oof!
Emperor Kuzco
OK, you heard the man. Up, up, up.
Kronk
I'm OK. I'm fine.
Emperor Kuzco
Ah. OK. Show him in.
Pacha
Ahem. Uh, afternoon, Your Highness. I'm here because I received a summons--
Emperor Kuzco
Hey, there he is! My main village man.
Pacha
Um, Pacha. Anyway, I got this summons--
Emperor Kuzco
Pacha. That's right. You are just the man I wanted to see.
Pacha
I am?
Emperor Kuzco
Word on the street is you can fix my problem. You can fix my problem, can't you?
Pacha
Sure. I'll do what I can.
Emperor Kuzco
Good, good. That's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?
Pacha
Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you-- My village?
Emperor Kuzco
Oh, yeah. You got a pretty sweet little setup there on top of that hill, don't you? Ha ha ha!
Pacha
Yeah. My family has lived on that hilltop for the last 6 generations.
Emperor Kuzco
Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you get the most sun?
Pacha
Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.
Emperor Kuzco
Well, that settles it.
Pacha
Really?
Emperor Kuzco
Yep. Problem solved. Thanks for coming.
Pacha
That's it? That's all you wanted me for?
Emperor Kuzco
I just needed an insider's opinion before I OK'd this spot for my pool.
Pacha
Uh...your pool?
Emperor Kuzco
Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide!
Pacha
What?
Emperor Kuzco
Isn't it great?! It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!
Pacha
Um...I don't understand how this could happen.
Emperor Kuzco
Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word and your town will be destroyed to make way for this... [hums carnival tune for his resort display on top of Pacha's village] So, if I were you, I'd pick up some change-of-address forms on the way home.
Pacha
But, where will we live?
Emperor Kuzco
Hmm, don't know. Don't care. How's that? [starts to leave]
Pacha
Wait! You can't-! [gets blocked by guards]
Emperor Kuzco
When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. [happily] Bye-bye!
Pacha
Wait! [gets dragged off by the guards]
Emperor Kuzco
Boo-hoo!
Emperor Kuzco
Oh, yeah. Everything was goin' my way. Or so I thought.
He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is?! [to Kronk] A little to the left. [Kronk nudges the head so she can smash it] Does he have ANY idea of who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! Why, I practically raised him!
Kronk
Yeah, you'd think he would've turned out better.
Yeah, go figure.
Kronk
Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of the real Kuzco, huh?
That's it, Kronk! That's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco.
Kronk
The real Kuzco?
Of course, the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire. Brilliant.
Kronk
So, how does that work with you being fired and all?
The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
Kronk
And I'm one of those two, right?
To the secret lab! [they move over to two levers] Pull the lever, Kronk! [Kronk pulls a lever, opening a trap door under her; she falls through] WRONG LEVER! [splashes]
Kronk
Uh...
Why do we even have that lever? [slaps the crocodile which lets go of her dress and runs away, yipping] Get out of my way. [pulls the other lever, and she and Kronk land in what is like an amusement park ride]
Please remain seated, and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
Kronk
Whoo! Faster, faster! Yzma! Put your hands in the air! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! [Yzma and Kronk arrive in the lab, wearing lab coats and safety goggles, do a high-five, and run to get to work]
Ah, how should I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, AH HA HA HA! I'LL SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER! It's brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you! Genius, I say! [knocks over a beaker of poison onto a plant, and the plants explodes into black, shriveled, then drops quickly, dead] Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this. Take it, Kronk. [laughs evilly] Oh, feel the power.
Kronk
Oh. I can feel it.
Our moment of triumph approaches [laughs evilly] IT'S DINNERTIME!
