Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Why?
Kevin, you're such a disease.
Shut up.
Kevin, upstairs.
Say good night, Kevin.
"Good night, Kevin."
Kevin McCallister
Macaulay Culkin · 26 quotes
Kate McCallister
Catherine O'Hara · 13 quotes
Marv
Daniel Stern · 11 quotes
Buzz McCallister
Devin Ratray · 7 quotes
Jeff McCallister
Michael C. Maronna · 6 quotes
Peter
John Heard · 4 quotes
Megan
Hillary Wolf · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Marv & Harry (9), Kevin McCallister & Kate McCallister (5), Kevin McCallister & Jeff McCallister (5)
Home Alone quotes
Page 2 of 4PETER!
Kate McCallister and Peter McCallister
[They jump out of bed] [in unison]
We slept in!
Did I turn off the coffee?
No, I did.
Did you lock up?
Yeah.
Did we set the timers on the lights?
Yeah.
Did you close the garage?
That's it. I forgot to close the garage. That's it.
Well, what else could we be forgetting?
He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I'd hate sausage, and olives, and onions, and...
Uncle Frank
[cutting him off]
Look what you did, you little jerk!
Why?
Kevin, you're such a disease.
Shut up!
Kevin, upstairs!
Say good night, Kevin.
[to Pizza Boy]
Oh, I am sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts.
How come you didn't bring any more cheese pizzas?
Pizza Boy Nice tip. Thanks a lot.
Thanks.
Having a reunion or something?
My husband's brother transferred to Paris last year. His kids are still there. He missed the family, so he invited us to Paris so we can be together.
You're taking a trip to Paris?
Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.
Excellent, excellent.
If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back.
Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands.
[escorting Kevin to the attic after he caused trouble in the kitchen]
There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one who has to make trouble.
I'm the only one getting dumped on.
You're the only one actin' up. Now, get upstairs.
I am upstairs, dummy. Third floor?
Go there.
It's scary up there.
Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.
I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it!
Fine. We'll put him someplace else.
I'm sorry.
It's a tad late. So, get upstairs.
Everyone in this family hates me.
Then, maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck!
Just stay up there. I don't wanna see you again for the rest of the night.
I don't wanna see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't wanna see anybody else, either.
[feeling hurt]
I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
No, I wouldn't.
Then, say it again. Maybe it'll happen.
I hope that I never see any of you jerks again! [runs upstairs in a huff, and Kate closes the door]
Suit yourself.
Heather, did you count heads?
Heather 11 including me, 5 boys, 6 girls, 4 parents, 2 drivers and a partridge in a pear tree.
I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent.
Gus No, you're not. You're just beating yourself up there. This happens. These things happen, you know. You wanna talk about bad parents? Look at us. We're on the road 48, 49 weeks out of the year. We hardly see our families. Joe over there, gosh, you know, he forgets his kids' names half the time. Ziggy over there, he's never even met his kid. Eddie... Let's just hope none of them write a book about him.
Tell me, have you gone on vacation and left your child home?
Gus No. But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once. Yeah, it was terrible too. I was all distraught and everything. The wife and I, we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor. All day. You know, when we went back at night, when we came to our senses, there he was. Apparently, he was there all day with a corpse. Now, he was okay. You know, after six, seven weeks. He came around and started talking again. They get over it. Kids are resilient like that.
Maybe we shouldn't talk about this.
Gus You brought it up. I was just trying to cheer you up.
I'm sorry I did.
Did anyone order me plain cheese?
Yeah, we did, but if you want any, someone's gonna have to barf it all up cuz it's all gone.
Everybody in this family hates me!
Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. I don't want to see anybody else either.
I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
No, I wouldn't.
Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.
I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!
I don't know how to pack a suit case. I've never done this once in my whole life.
Tough.
That's what Megan said.
What did I say?
You told Kevin "tough".
The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
Excuse me.
Santa's Elf: Yeah?
Hey, nice shoes.
Santa's Elf: Oh, thanks.
Is he still here? It's really important that I see him.
Santa's Elf: He's getting in his car. I guess if you hurry, you can catch him.
Santa Dang! How low can you go! Giving Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve! What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?
Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute?
Santa If you make it quick. Santa's got a little get-together he's late for.
I know that you're not the real Santa Clause.
Santa What makes you say that? Just out of curiosity.
I'm old enough to know how it works.
Santa All right.
But I also know you work for him. And I'd like you to give him a message.
Santa Shoot.
My name is Kevin McCallister, and my address is 671 Lincoln Boulevard. Do you need the phone number?
Santa No, that's all right.
This is extremely important. Would you please tell him that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys, no nothing. Nothing but Kate, Peter, Jeff, Linnie, Megan and Buzz. And my cousins and my aunt. And my Uncle Frank, if he has time, okay?
Santa Okay, I'll see what I can do.
Thanks.
Santa Wait. Hold on a second. My elf took the last of the candy canes home to her boyfriend.
That's okay.
Santa No, no, no, don't be silly. Everybody who sees Santa has gotta get something. Here, hold out your little paw there. [pours out a few mint Tic-Tacs into Kevin's glove] There you go. Don't spoil your dinner.
I won't. Thanks.
Santa SON OF A...!!!
I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done it once in my whole life!
Tough.
That's what Megan said.
What did I say?
You told Kevin "Tough".
The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do, shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
I'm not an idiot!
Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.
She's right, Kev.
Excuse me, puke-breath, I'm a lot smaller than you! I don't know how to pack a suitcase!
Linnie Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Shut up, Linnie.
You know what I should pack?
Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.
Linnie Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".
What?
Linnie P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.
This house is so full of people, it made me sick! When I grow up and get married, I am living alone! [jumps up and down in frustration as Harry looks up at him] Did you hear me? I am living alone! I am living alone!
Rod [taps on the spider's tank]
Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?
Rod Some don't.
But they got nude beaches.
Rod Not in the winter.
Buzz?
Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?
Can I sleep in your room? I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my (deleted)! Check it out. Old man Marley.
Rod Who's he?
You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?
Rod No.
That's him. Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on this block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.
Rod If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?
Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time... before he does it again.
Rod What's he doing now?
He walks up and down the streets every night... salting the sidewalks.
Rod Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.
I made my family disappear! [has a flashback to what his family told him the night before]
Kevin, you're completely helpless.
Linnie You know, Kevin, you're what the French call "les incompetents."
Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Kevin, you are such a disease!
There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Frank Look what you did, you little jerk!
Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can. Why can't I?
Kevin, I'm on the phone. [on the phone] When do you come back? Not till then?
It's not even rated R. He's just being a jerk.
Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then, it must be really bad. [on the phone] No, no one is bringing the dog, we're putting it in the kennel for the... Hey, get off! Kevin, out of the room.
Hang up the phone and make me, why don't ya?
This kid.
Hey, did you pick up a voltage adapter thing?
No, I didn't have time to do that.
Then, how do I shave in France?
Grow a goatee.
Dad, nobody'll let me do anything.
I've got something, why don't you pick up those Micro-Machines that are in there. Aunt Leslie stepped on one and almost broke her neck.
He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.
Didn't we talk about that?
Did I burn down the joint? I don't think so. I made ornaments out of fishhooks.
My new fishhooks?
I can't make ornaments out of the old ones with dry worm guts stuck on them.
Peter?
Come on, Kevin. Out here.
There! What are we gonna do with him, Harry?
We'll do exactly what he did to us: we're gonna burn his head with a blowtorch.
And smash his face with an iron!
I like to slap him right in the face with a paint can.
And shove a nail through his foot!
First off, I'm gonna bite off his every little fingers one at a time.
[Just then, Marley knocks Harry and Marv with his shovel]
Why the hell did you take your shoes off?
Harry Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?