Harry I think we're getting scammed by a kindergartner.
Played by Joe Pesci 
Home Alone (1990) · 53 quotes
Home Alone (1990) · 53 quotes
Tied for 3rd most-quoted character in Home Alone (1990): in 11 of its 53 quotes
Most scenes with: Marv (9), Kevin McCallister (4)
Scenes with Harry
11 scenes Harry 
Kids are scared of the dark.
Harry You're afraid of the dark too, Marv.
No I'm not!
Harry Yes, you are.
Not! Not! Not!
Harry What's so funny? What are you laughing at? You did it again, didn't you? You left the water running, didn't you? What's wrong with you? Why did you that? I told you not to do it.
Harry, it's our calling card.
Harry Calling card.
All the great ones leave their mark. We're the Wet Bandits.
Hey, watch out!
AAAAHHHHH!
Harry [The truck stops]
Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son, you know.
Sorry.
Santy don't visit funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[Harry and Marv are just about to break-into the McCallister's house]
How do you want to go in?
Harry We'll go through the back door. Maybe he'll let us in. You never know.
Yeah. He's a kid. Kid's are stupid. [In trailer but not in film] I know I was.
Harry You still are, Marv.
Harry [While in the van with Marv]
I don't get it. I mean right now it looks like there's nobody home. Last night, the place was jumping. Something ain't right. [To Marv] Go check it out.
[Long pause. Marv just nods. Harry looks at Marv in a stunned way while Marv looks over at Harry]
Now?
Harry [Harry fumes]
No! Tomorrow, Egghead! NOW! GET!
Harry [Marv quickly gets out of the van] [To himself]
"Now"!?
Harry Remember the kid we saw the other day? He lives here.
Well, if the kid's there, his parents gotta be.
Harry He's home alone.
Harry Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!
Harry We're not gonna hurt you.
Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.
Harry Be a good little fella now, and open the door. [Kevin shoots Harry in the groin; high-pitched] AHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO... [Fall to his knees, cursing]
What? What? What?! What happened?!
Harry Get the little...!
Yes! Yes!
The little jerk is armed!
Harry That's it! That's it! I'm going round the front, you go to the basement!
Harry Where did he go?
Maybe he committed suicide.
Over here you horse-ass. Come and get me before I call the cops.
Let's get him!
Harry No, wait! That's just what he wants us to do. To back down through his fun house.
But he's gonna call the cops!
Harry He's not gonna call the cops from a treehouse!
There! What are we gonna do with him, Harry?
Harry We'll do exactly what he did to us: we're gonna burn his head with a blowtorch.
And smash his face with an iron!
Harry I like to slap him right in the face with a paint can.
And shove a nail through his foot!
Harry First off, I'm gonna bite off his every little fingers one at a time.
[Just then, Marley knocks Harry and Marv with his shovel]
He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I'd hate sausage, and olives, and onions, and...
Uncle Frank
[cutting him off]
Look what you did, you little jerk!
Why?
Kevin, you're such a disease.
Shut up!
Kevin, upstairs!
Say good night, Kevin.
[to Pizza Boy]
Oh, I am sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts.
How come you didn't bring any more cheese pizzas?
Pizza Boy
Nice tip. Thanks a lot.
Thanks.
Harry Having a reunion or something?
My husband's brother transferred to Paris last year. His kids are still there. He missed the family, so he invited us to Paris so we can be together.
Harry You're taking a trip to Paris?
Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.
Harry Excellent, excellent.
If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back.
Harry Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands.
[escorting Kevin to the attic after he caused trouble in the kitchen]
There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one who has to make trouble.
I'm the only one getting dumped on.
You're the only one actin' up. Now, get upstairs.
I am upstairs, dummy. Third floor?
Go there.
It's scary up there.
Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.
I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it!
Fine. We'll put him someplace else.
I'm sorry.
It's a tad late. So, get upstairs.
Everyone in this family hates me.
Then, maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck!
Just stay up there. I don't wanna see you again for the rest of the night.
I don't wanna see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't wanna see anybody else, either.
[feeling hurt]
I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
No, I wouldn't.
Then, say it again. Maybe it'll happen.
I hope that I never see any of you jerks again! [runs upstairs in a huff, and Kate closes the door]
Suit yourself.
