Buzz I wouldn't let you sleep in my room... if you were growing on my ass!
Played by Devin Ratray 
Home Alone (1990) · 53 quotes
Home Alone (1990) · 53 quotes
5th most-quoted character in Home Alone (1990): in 7 of its 53 quotes
Most scenes with: Kevin McCallister (3), Megan (3), Jeff McCallister (2)
Scenes with Buzz McCallister
7 scenes Buzz 
Did anyone order me plain cheese?
Buzz McCallister Yeah, we did, but if you want any, someone's gonna have to barf it all up cuz it's all gone.
You're not at all worried that something might happen to Kevin?
Buzz McCallister No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we have smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
Buzz McCallister [says the last lines]
KEVIN! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM?!?!?!
I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done it once in my whole life!
Tough.
That's what Megan said.
What did I say?
You told Kevin "Tough".
The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do, shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
I'm not an idiot!
Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.
She's right, Kev.
Excuse me, puke-breath, I'm a lot smaller than you! I don't know how to pack a suitcase!
Linnie
Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Shut up, Linnie.
You know what I should pack?
Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.
Linnie
Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".
What?
Linnie
P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.
This house is so full of people, it made me sick! When I grow up and get married, I am living alone! [jumps up and down in frustration as Harry looks up at him] Did you hear me? I am living alone! I am living alone!
Rod
[taps on the spider's tank]
Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
Buzz He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?
Rod
Some don't.
Buzz But they got nude beaches.
Rod
Not in the winter.
Buzz?
Buzz Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?
Can I sleep in your room? I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
Buzz I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my (deleted)! Check it out. Old man Marley.
Rod
Who's he?
Buzz You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?
Rod
No.
Buzz That's him. Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on this block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.
Rod
If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?
Buzz Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time... before he does it again.
Rod
What's he doing now?
Buzz He walks up and down the streets every night... salting the sidewalks.
Rod
Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
Buzz No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.
Buzz [as Marley spots them, he quickly closes the curtains]
Yeow! Look out!
I made my family disappear! [has a flashback to what his family told him the night before]
Kevin, you're completely helpless.
Linnie
You know, Kevin, you're what the French call "les incompetents."
Buzz Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Kevin, you are such a disease!
There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Frank
Look what you did, you little jerk!
This is so pointless.
Buzz What?
We're here rotting in this apartment, Kevin's at home, Mom's at the airport.
Buzz So?
You're not at all worried about Kevin?
Buzz Why should I be? He's acted like a jerk one too many times, and this time he caught it in the butt.
He's so little and helpless. Don't you think he's flipped out?
Buzz The trout can use a couple of days in the real world.
You're not worried that something might happen to him?
Buzz No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we have smoke detectors. And D, we live in the most boring street in the whole United States of America where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period.
