Jeff McCallister Kevin, you're such a disease.
Played by Michael C. Maronna 
Home Alone (1990) · 53 quotes
Home Alone (1990) · 53 quotes
6th most-quoted character in Home Alone (1990): in 6 of its 53 quotes
Most scenes with: Kevin McCallister (5), Kate McCallister (3), Buzz McCallister (2)
Scenes with Jeff McCallister
6 scenes Jeff McCallister 
I don't know how to pack a suit case. I've never done this once in my whole life.
Jeff McCallister Tough.
That's what Megan said.
What did I say?
Jeff McCallister You told Kevin "tough".
The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do? Shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Why?
Jeff McCallister Kevin, you're such a disease.
Shut up.
Kevin, upstairs.
Say good night, Kevin.
"Good night, Kevin."
I don't know how to pack a suitcase. I've never done it once in my whole life!
Jeff Tough.
That's what Megan said.
What did I say?
Jeff You told Kevin "Tough".
The dope was whining about a suitcase. What was I supposed to do, shake his hand and say, "Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
I'm not an idiot!
Oh, really? You're completely helpless! Everyone has to do everything for you.
Jeff She's right, Kev.
Excuse me, puke-breath, I'm a lot smaller than you! I don't know how to pack a suitcase!
Linnie
Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Jeff Shut up, Linnie.
You know what I should pack?
Jeff Buzz told you, cheek-face. Toilet paper and water.
Linnie
Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".
What?
Jeff [throws his bag down the stairs which lands at Harry's feet]
Bombs away!
Linnie
P.S. You have to sleep on the hide-a-bed with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.
This house is so full of people, it made me sick! When I grow up and get married, I am living alone! [jumps up and down in frustration as Harry looks up at him] Did you hear me? I am living alone! I am living alone!
Rod
[taps on the spider's tank]
Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?
He just ate a load of mice guts. He should be good for a couple weeks. Is it true French babes don't shave their pits?
Rod
Some don't.
But they got nude beaches.
Rod
Not in the winter.
Buzz?
Don't you know how to knock, phlegm-wad?
Can I sleep in your room? I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.
I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my (deleted)! Check it out. Old man Marley.
Rod
Who's he?
You ever heard of the South Bend Shovel Slayer?
Rod
No.
That's him. Back in '58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on this block... with a snow shovel. Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.
Rod
If he's the shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?
Not enough evidence to convict. They never found the bodies. But everyone around here knows he did it. It'll just be a matter of time... before he does it again.
Rod
What's he doing now?
He walks up and down the streets every night... salting the sidewalks.
Rod
Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
No way. See that garbage can full of salt? That's where he keeps his victims. The salt turns the bodies into mummies.
He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I'd hate sausage, and olives, and onions, and...
Uncle Frank
[cutting him off]
Look what you did, you little jerk!
Why?
Jeff Kevin, you're such a disease.
Shut up!
Kevin, upstairs!
Say good night, Kevin.
[to Pizza Boy]
Oh, I am sorry. This house is just crazy. We've got all these extra kids running around. My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today. It's just nuts.
How come you didn't bring any more cheese pizzas?
Pizza Boy
Nice tip. Thanks a lot.
Thanks.
Having a reunion or something?
My husband's brother transferred to Paris last year. His kids are still there. He missed the family, so he invited us to Paris so we can be together.
You're taking a trip to Paris?
Yes, we hope to leave tomorrow morning.
Excellent, excellent.
If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts. I'll be right back.
Don't worry about me. I spoke to your husband already. And don't worry about your home. It's in good hands.
[escorting Kevin to the attic after he caused trouble in the kitchen]
There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one who has to make trouble.
I'm the only one getting dumped on.
You're the only one actin' up. Now, get upstairs.
I am upstairs, dummy. Third floor?
Go there.
It's scary up there.
Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.
I don't wanna sleep with Fuller. You know about him. He wets the bed. He'll pee all over me. I know it!
Fine. We'll put him someplace else.
I'm sorry.
It's a tad late. So, get upstairs.
Everyone in this family hates me.
Then, maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
I don't want a new family! I don't want any family! Families suck!
Just stay up there. I don't wanna see you again for the rest of the night.
I don't wanna see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't wanna see anybody else, either.
[feeling hurt]
I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
No, I wouldn't.
Then, say it again. Maybe it'll happen.
I hope that I never see any of you jerks again! [runs upstairs in a huff, and Kate closes the door]
Suit yourself.
I made my family disappear! [has a flashback to what his family told him the night before]
Kevin, you're completely helpless.
Linnie
You know, Kevin, you're what the French call "les incompetents."
Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Jeff Kevin, you are such a disease!
There are 15 people in this house, and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Frank
Look what you did, you little jerk!
