Excuse me.
Santa's Elf: Yeah?

Hey, nice shoes.
Santa's Elf: Oh, thanks.

Is he still here? It's really important that I see him.
Santa's Elf: He's getting in his car. I guess if you hurry, you can catch him.

Dang! How low can you go! Giving Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve! What's next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?

Santa, hold on. Can I talk to you for a minute?

If you make it quick. Santa's got a little get-together he's late for.

I know that you're not the real Santa Clause.

What makes you say that? Just out of curiosity.

I'm old enough to know how it works.

All right.

But I also know you work for him. And I'd like you to give him a message.

Shoot.

My name is Kevin McCallister, and my address is 671 Lincoln Boulevard. Do you need the phone number?

No, that's all right.

This is extremely important. Would you please tell him that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys, no nothing. Nothing but Kate, Peter, Jeff, Linnie, Megan and Buzz. And my cousins and my aunt. And my Uncle Frank, if he has time, okay?

Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Thanks.

Wait. Hold on a second. My elf took the last of the candy canes home to her boyfriend.

That's okay.

No, no, no, don't be silly. Everybody who sees Santa has gotta get something. Here, hold out your little paw there. [pours out a few mint Tic-Tacs into Kevin's glove] There you go. Don't spoil your dinner.

I won't. Thanks.

SON OF A...!!!