Janeane Garofalo movie quotes

View Quote "Do you wannna go back in the bag? Is that how we're gonna play this? You make the rules."

View Quote "Now , there's a wedgie she won't soon forget."

View Quote "How delightfully eccentric — while simultaneously being a complete waste of our time!"

View Quote How can you tell how good bread is without tasting it? Not the smell, not the look, but the sound of the crust. Listen. [bread crackles] Oh, symphony of crackle. Only great bread sound this way.

View Quote You think cooking is a cute job, eh? Like mommy in the kitchen? Well, mommy never had to face the dinner rush when orders come flooding in, and every dish is different and none are simple, and all have different cooking time, but must arrive at the customer's table hot and perfect! Every second counts, and you cannot be mommy!

View Quote I didn't have to help you! If I looked out only for myself, I would have let you drown! But..I wanted you to succeed. I...liked you....My mistake.

View Quote Bridget: Benny, please tell me we're not in a dangerous jungle with an 8-inch squirrel protecting us.
Benny: Actually, I'm 9 inches. But other than that, yes.
Bridget: So that means...
Nigel: We are going to die! [screaming]
[Larry, Bridget and Nigel begin freaking out and running around in circles.]

View Quote Nigel: I'm gonna throw up! I'm gonna throw up! I'm gonna throw up!
Bridget: Not to nitpick, but shouldn't you be tearing them to shreds?
Samson: All part of the plan. This maneuver's known as the Serengeti Slip. Page ten of the Predator's Playbook.

View Quote Benny: Hey, watch where you goin', you, big, big...!
[The music begins playing Lovin' You by Minnie Riperton]
Benny: Bridget.
Bridget: Don't stare at my spots, Benny. My eyes are up here.
[the music stops when Benny hears a crash]

View Quote (holds up her cigarette) I'd rather put this out on my ass!

View Quote This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.

View Quote Why don't you tell everyone I said to go **** themselves for making my teen years a living hell?

View Quote Alan Seitz: What makes you think this is the first time?
Pat Greer: Never mind which time this is. The important thing is we got those assholes trapped at the airport, and until we say further, no plane is taking off.
Officer Monica Romero: You can do that?

View Quote Officer Monica Romero: You're making a big mistake.
Snake: Story of my life.

View Quote Officer Monica Romero: I'm not gonna arrest you, Matt, unless Mrs. Herk wants to press charges.
Anna Herk: Hey, kids.
Arthur Herk: I want to press charges! Cuff him!
Officer Monica Romero: My hands are kind of full right now, what with holding my dick and all.

View Quote Evian is naive spelled backwards.

View Quote I truly believe that if we can get two women on the supreme court, we can get at least one on you.

View Quote Don't you ever wish you were a lesbian?

View Quote "I am not Ruth Buzzi standing here! I am not Ruth Buzzi standing here!!!"

View Quote "Well, we've made it to the end of the summer in one piece, except for a few campers who are lepers."

View Quote "McKinley, four lower campers are stuck in the ropes course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday, but could you get to it now?"

View Quote Liz: [distracting anti-abortion protestors] Holy shit, it's the Pope!

View Quote Bethany: I remember going to church when I was younger and feeling moved. Now I go every Sunday and feel nothing. I don't think I have any faith left.
Liz: Do you remember that seminary student who used to mow my lawn? The one I tried to set you up with?
Bethany: The twenty-year-old. The one I could have babysat for in high school.
Liz: Right. Well, the point is, he told me something. He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill. As you get older, the glass gets bigger. The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. But periodically the glass needs to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled.
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes, in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That sounds a little bit militant. Are you thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Well, then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.

View Quote (Liz has just fought her way through a group of pro-life protesters to enter the abortion clinic where she and Bethany work.)
Liz: You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better.
Liz: Ah, they won't go for that one. We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.