Gil Mars Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.
Well, that's an interesting idea.
Gil Mars Forget about this batteries-not-included crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell. Keep these things running forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.
Yeah. [chuckles] Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite: Anything else is just a toy."
Gil Mars "Everything else is just a toy."
Th-That's good, too. Sure.
Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of, uh, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--
Irwin, Irwin. We're members of the GloboTech family. Surely, we can hunt down that technology.
Gil Mars We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.
Hey. You know what might work? An electromagnetic pulse. 'Cause that would fry their chips. [he and the others duck after a Commando Elite soldier fires a rocket]
Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.
"Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?
It's the chips! They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
That's why the military never used them.
Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
[pointing at Larry]
Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.
We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.
How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the-- [realizing] Oh.
Err, "Oh" like "That's interesting", or "Oh" like "We're screwed"?
No. I mean, hey, whoa, oh. Look, forget the "Oh." I'll go to Legal to start on the countersuit, all right--
The chips! That's the "Oh"!
Yeah. These micro-processing chips, what do they do and where did you get them from?
They, you know, micro-process. And they come from the land of "I Saved Your Job." Come on.
[looks up the chips on his computer]
They were designed for the Department of Defense. [shocked] You put munitions chips in toys?!
I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.
Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
Yeah, well, the real world sucks.
[seeing an approaching Ms. Kegel]
It does have its perks...
Butch Meathook. Sniper. Lethal from any distance, sir!
Glad to have you on board.
Nick Nitro. Demolition is my mission.
Same as your father. He was a good man.
Brick Bazooka. Artillery. Sir!
Link Static. Communications. Awaiting a patch of orders, sir.
Kip Killigan. Sharp as a razor, sir!
Let me see that weapon. [grabbing Kip's gun, breaking it in half]Standard issue is insufficient.
Ms. Kegel [after being told the product will be ready in three months]
All right, then. Now, these are your security cards. These will give you unlimited access to all top-secret GloboTechnology. And these are your individual secret passwords. Please take a moment memorize them now.
[sees his password and chuckles]
Mine's Gizmo.
Ms. Kegel [snatches Irwin's password; annoyed]
I said "secret".
RC Ralph, Clean Room Technician
The chips are a little sensitive to EMP.
RC Ralph, Clean Room Technician
Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive.
Nothing. Nothing happened.
Oh, really? [and the mass of the toy boat falls out] And how do you explain this?!
[stummering]
I was dusting it, and it fell over.
Oh, you were dusting it with what? A croquet mallet?
[Alan and Christy have tried to explain everything after Phil accuses Alan of kidnapping Christy, drugging him and his wife, and the damage the Commandos did to the Fimples' home]
Is this entire household insane?! [pointing at Archer] He says that toy is alive just because it can move a little? What's next, the Blue Fairy drops by with a talking cricket?!
Dad, he's telling the truth!
He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.
[listening in from a shelf]
You can't change programming.
MF Marion Fimple
[still intoxicated]
Look! Another one...
See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.
That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.
Hey, don't be a stranger, Phil.
[Phil tries to lead his family out, but finds Irwin and Larry at the door]
Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy here?
TF Timmy Fimple
[points at Alan]
That's Alan, right there.
How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.
There's a chance they might be... defective.
But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.
There is a problem with the Commandos.
Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.
[Stuart suddenly punches Larry, knocking him to the floor]
YOUR TOYS NEARLY KILLED MY SON!
Irene Abernathy Stuart--
Don't say "calm down"! Calm was killing me. [to Phil] And you! You owe my son an apology!
