Howard Stern My name is Howard Stern, and welcome to the new morning show. And we have a new feature for you. This is, uh, something special. We have a traffic copter now here at WWWW. Let's go up to Mama Look-a boo boo day in the traffic copter. Mama, you there? Hello? Mama? Uh. [Helicopter sound effect] Hello? [In Mama's voice] Yes, hello. This is Mama Look-a boo boo day, the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area, I'm proud to say. [in his normal voice] Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, Mama. Tell me, uh, what's going on in the traffic? [in Mama's voice] First, a political statement, if I may. Kill, Kill, Kill... The White Man, by Eugene Mama Look-a boo boo day. Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the pen. OK, here we go. Kill, kill, kill the white man. Kill him until he is dead. Kill the white man. Thank you.
Howard Stern So occasionally I make a fool of myself in public, and the FCC wants me off the air, and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts, and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood. Hey, after all, being misunderstood is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not? But my life isn't bad at all. I'm still on the air, I've got my kids, and I've got Alison. Alison... She's the best friend I could ever have. And who knows? With a little time, the right energy...I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action.
Howard Irene...the weather girl. Irene, are you there?
I Irene
It's cold, real cold, but your ass is gonna be plenty hot when I give you a good, hard butt-whipping. Tongue. What do you think about that? Turns you on, doesn't it, you little maggot?
Howard Yeah. Irene, thank you for the weather forecast.
Howard We hope to hear from you tomorrow...Give us some more weather.
I Irene
Bite me, you loser.
Howard I feel like such a loser.
It's not your fault. It was a lame station.
Howard Yeah, it was my fault.
You can't blame a radio station.
Howard It's my screwup.
Howard In a way that I gotta figure out what I'm gonna be. I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys that runs around the country, you know, looking for work all the time. I don't want to end up like that. It's so sad. It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing. I should be talking about my personal life. I've got to get intimate. And every time I feel like I shouldn't say something, maybe I should just say it, just blurt it out, you know? I just got to let things fly. I got to go all the way.
You didn't go all the way before?
Howard No. I mean...No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back.
Then I guess you should go all the way.
Howard Good morning. This is Howard Stern. Welcome to the show. I have a confession to make. I did not get, uh, laid last night. In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. Now, give me a call here at DC 101 if you have the same kind of problem. Having trouble with your woman? Give me a call. I'll help you out. Let me introduce, over here to my right, my beautiful new newswoman Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful, I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems. But I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd. I get hornier and hornier. My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep. The whole week goes by, she never gets horny. Robin, as a woman, what is it? Do women get horny?
Howard Hi, honey. Robin Leach says we should move to Antigua.
[taking off her clothes]
Oh, yeah? Come on, hurry up. Snap to it. I'm ovulating.
Howard I'm in the middle of important show research.
Howard, seriously, come on.
Howard You know what? You're getting baby fever here. And you know, maybe it's a little premature. I'm about two days away from being fired, the way I figure it. And do you want to know something? You got to think about the economics of this.
You're gonna be the best morning man in the history of radio. At any minute, you're gonna be number one.
Howard Is that so?
Howard Let me tell you something. Look at yourself. You're completely on fire about having a baby. You don't understand. I'm not a piece of meat. I mean, I have to be romanced.
Howard Ooh, look at that bra. Where did you get that?
Howard OK. That's it. That's it! I am making a baby! It's baby time! I'm ready to give you a baby.
Howard Hold on. [pulls pants down and hops towards her]
OK. Now I'm hot. Now I actually want to have sex. I didn't before and now I do.
Howard Robin, watch this. What am I doing?
Howard No, that's not a seizure. That's me dancing because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night.
Howard Yeah, I really did. In fact, it was not for lust. It was 'cause I was making a kid.
Howard In fact, my wife's eggs are very old. They're very, you know, she's getting older. But my sperm is like supersperm, so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot.
Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine.
Howard My sperm are fantastic. I'm fantastic. I'm in a good mood.
C Caller
I was calling because I have a really big problem.
Howard What's your problem?
C Caller
Well, every morning I lie in bed, and the only thing I can do is think of you.
Howard Oh, really? Well, let's see if we can't help you with your problem. What do you look like?
C Caller
Well, I've got blond hair, and I've got blue eyes, and my measurements are about 38-24-34. Some people tell me I look a lot like Farrah Fawcett.
Howard I can help you. Robin, I can help this girl.
You know, we have the most beautiful audience.
Howard We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way. You know what we're gonna do to solve your problem? I'm gonna have sex with you right now over the radio.
How are we gonna do that?
Howard Very simple. I've thought this through, Robin. First of all, what kind of radio are you listening to us on? You have a transistor radio, or you have one of those big sound systems?
C Caller
I have one of those big sound systems.
Howard Good. OK. Could you turn the treble all the way down and put the bass all the way up?
C Caller
OK. The treble's down, and the bass is up.
Howard Take your speaker...You got a big speaker?
Howard Lay it flat on the floor. And I want you to sort of straddle the speaker.
A woman cannot be aroused in that way.
Howard No. This is really wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong. In fact, my father was a radio engineer, and he proved this theory years ago. You've got to believe. Now, what I need you to do is put your private area over the woofer.
C Caller
I can't believe you're really making me to do this.
Howard Come on, do it. Right up against it so you can feel me.
Oh, I have to ask her a question. What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio?
Howard Don't answer that question. Bad question. You're gonna ruin this woman's mood. She might start second-guessing. Are you ready to have sex?
C Caller
[Giggling]
Oh, my God.
Howard Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Howard Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
C Caller
Oohh! Ooh. It kinda tingles.
Howard See? It tingles. She likes it.
Howard Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
C Caller
Aahh! Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!
Howard Listen to her. She's going wild.
Howard Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
C Caller
Ohhhhhhhh! Oh, my goodness. Ohhh!
Howard [laughs]
This is the best sex I ever had.
How could you do that? Do you think that was funny? You think it's funny to make jokes about our personal life like that? You're an asshole!
Howard What are you talking about? Alison, I love you. What are you talking about?
Howard, not everything is for your audience. I need a life that is ours, that belongs to us.
Howard I'm on the air 6 hours a day. I'm trying to come up with material. I hate going out.
Howard I said when we came here, if I was gonna win on the radio, I'd have to talk about everything. I couldn't hold back.
Howard Come on, last night we were laughing about this. I just assumed you thought it was funny.
It was funny for us last night. Privately, for us.
Howard Alison, if I don't talk about you and me on the air...
Howard The audience isn't gonna be there.
Howard I won't make any money.
Shut up! You disgust me! I can't even look at you, idiot!
Howard I gotta tell you something, Kenny. I always saw myself sort of something different than lmus. That's why you hired me.
You are original. You are original, but... You say a lot of offensive things, and occasionally you are real funny, but you've got to learn to do what Imus does. See, he doesn't actually say the bad thing himself. He says it through a character.
Howard Yeah, well, I don't do character...
How about you go on the air 3 A.M. This morning, show us some characters. OK? Good.
Howard I was not saying the call letters right. It's a big problem, so in order to rectify this, I brought in a cup of Blackswell's semen.
Fred I squoze it myself. I hope it's not too tangy.
And what are you gonna do with it?
Howard I'm gonna gargle with this and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right.
Howard I don't care, 'cause I love the taste of a man. Ooga.
...
Fred There she blows.
Howard Oh. Can you believe it?
Howard I swallowed. Oh, my God.
Fred Waste not, want not, Robin.
Howard Oh! I wanna say I love W N BC. See? It worked. I can say it.
You goddamn mother****ers. You **** waltz in here, and you think you know everything, don't you? Well, I **** worked my **** ass off to get to New York City, and you sure as **** are not gonna **** blow it for me!
Howard I was just doing character...
Barry, Jerry, clarify the situation for him, please.
B Barry
Page 108, paragraph 3: "No jokes dealing with flatulence, excretion, urination, ejaculation, or other bodily functions."
J Jerry
Also, no use of the so-called seven dirty words. These are ****, mother****er, ****, shit, ****, ****, and pussy.
Now, from now on, all your little bits are gonna be under 2 minutes in duration, and all scripts...and I do mean all scripts...require my personal approval. Welcome to NBC, Howard.
Howard Hi, everybody. My name is Gene Sternburn, and welcome to Match Game. We have a lot of excitement in the air today because we have some great panelists.
...
Howard Let's play our game now, OK? Shall we? And what we're gonna do is ask you to fill in the blank, OK? Now, I want you to listen carefully. Our first clue up is...blank willow. Blank willow. [Music Plays] Let's go over to Miss Brett Somers right now. Now, Brett, what did you have for us? Blank willow.
Robin; The only thing on my mind, Gene, was pussy.
Howard Uh-oh. Pussy. Hey, all right. Hey, that's kind of wild. Pussy willow, that's what I would have said. All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon, former president of the United States. What did you have? Blank willow.
Fred In any language, pussy.
Howard All right! Now let's go to our newest member of the panel, Mr. Jackie "Jokeman" Martling. Blank willow.
Jackie Well, Gene, I didn't write it too neat, so I have a sloppy pussy.
Howard Sloppy pussy! We had a sloppy and a fuzzy pussy and a very big one.
Fred Are we talking about Brett again?
Howard All right, now, Let's keep going. Now it's gonna get a little rougher, OK? Everybody ready? Blank a-doodle-doo. Blank a-doodle-doo. [Music Plays] Blank a-doodle-doo. Think about that while the celebrities are writing. Here we are. Let's go over to our Dick Nixon, our own ex-president. What do you got there, Dick?
Fred Well, it takes a Dick to know a ****, and that's what I wrote.
Howard ****-a-doodle-doo. Now, that's what I would have said. That seemed like the obvious answer. OK, let's go to our own Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. Jackie The Jokeman?
Jackie Gene, I have ****, and I wrote it big. I have a big ****.
Howard Uh, I don't think you can say "big ****" on the radio. I think that's a no-no.
Jackie Yeah, she just said pussy.
Howard Yes, pussy is OK. It's the way he says it. "Big ****" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.
Jackie So I can't say "big ****," but you can say "big **** coming out of my mouth"?
Howard That's correct.
Jackie That sucks.
Fred Did you just say, "big **** coming out of your mouth sucks"?
Howard All right, enough of this nonsense. We gotta move to Miss Brett Somers.
Just like the boys, Gene, I've got ****.
Howard There it is, ****-a-doo...do me a favor and hold that up so I can see your ****.
Jackie Aw, Gene, don't have...
Howard All right, there it is. ****, ****, ****. I must tell you, though, we have to end this fun right now.
Howard Hi. Is this Betty Jean Rushton?
BJ Betty Jean
Yes, it is.
Howard Betty Jean, hi. It's Howard Stern, W N BC. I work with your husband Kenny.
BJ Betty Jean
Yes. Kenny's mentioned you.
Howard Oh, I bet Kenny has. The reason I'm calling is because your husband has been very bitchy around here lately, and I'm thinking that maybe if you gave him some more sex...
Howard Yeah. He's backed up. Isn't he backed up, Ross?
Howard That is the first naked lady in the history of radio. Sans panties, sans bra.
Howard So am I. This is disgraceful. We should be taken off the air.
Howard Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art. Did you know that?
Howard Let me tell you something. Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio, Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me and give me a massage while she is nude.
What does a massage have to do with making it into history?
Howard Who knows? I don't know. Massage, schmas. I just gotta get touched.
Howard Let me soak you in. Holy cow, are you naked. You know what I like about you?
Howard I like that you're the perfect height. I could have sex with you standing up. Look at that. Ooh.
Howard I am? I mean, I am. Well, I'm not really married anymore.
Howard Take a seat. I'll tell you what happened. My wife was suffering from cancer...I never told you this...and she died last night. I've been single for exactly 24 hours. Honey, if you're up there now, I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side, but I want you to cover your ears and eyes. Besides, you're married to God now...
Howard Let me ask you something. You have the look of love in your eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this. You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you?
Physically, I am. I mean, you're smart, you're sexy.
Howard Wait. Excuse me for one minute. Robin...
Howard Robin, go up to the cafeteria and get some lunch. Yeah, go ahead. Tell me more about me.
Howard You know what I would do to you physically?
Howard I don't know what I'd do, but let me just say something. Whatever it is, it would last 10 seconds. 10 seconds, I'd be finished. We would have sex, like, 10 times a day. You would love it.
