Good morning. This is Howard Stern. Welcome to the show. I have a confession to make. I did not get, uh, laid last night. In fact, I haven't gotten laid in a really long time. Now, give me a call here at DC 101 if you have the same kind of problem. Having trouble with your woman? Give me a call. I'll help you out. Let me introduce, over here to my right, my beautiful new newswoman Robin Quivers, who looks so beautiful, I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems. But I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd. I get hornier and hornier. My wife, she comes home from work, she goes to sleep. The whole week goes by, she never gets horny. Robin, as a woman, what is it? Do women get horny?
Robin Sometimes.
Robin, watch this. What am I doing?
Robin Uh, having a seizure?
No, that's not a seizure. That's me dancing because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night.
Robin Oh!
Yeah, I really did. In fact, it was not for lust. It was 'cause I was making a kid.
Robin Oh.
In fact, my wife's eggs are very old. They're very, you know, she's getting older. But my sperm is like supersperm, so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot.
Robin Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine.
My sperm are fantastic. I'm fantastic. I'm in a good mood.
C Caller
I was calling because I have a really big problem.
C Caller
Well, every morning I lie in bed, and the only thing I can do is think of you.
Oh, really? Well, let's see if we can't help you with your problem. What do you look like?
C Caller
Well, I've got blond hair, and I've got blue eyes, and my measurements are about 38-24-34. Some people tell me I look a lot like Farrah Fawcett.
I can help you. Robin, I can help this girl.
Robin You know, we have the most beautiful audience.
We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way. You know what we're gonna do to solve your problem? I'm gonna have sex with you right now over the radio.
Robin How are we gonna do that?
Very simple. I've thought this through, Robin. First of all, what kind of radio are you listening to us on? You have a transistor radio, or you have one of those big sound systems?
C Caller
I have one of those big sound systems.
Good. OK. Could you turn the treble all the way down and put the bass all the way up?
C Caller
OK. The treble's down, and the bass is up.
Take your speaker...You got a big speaker?
Lay it flat on the floor. And I want you to sort of straddle the speaker.
Robin Howard!
Robin A woman cannot be aroused in that way.
No. This is really wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong. In fact, my father was a radio engineer, and he proved this theory years ago. You've got to believe. Now, what I need you to do is put your private area over the woofer.
C Caller
I can't believe you're really making me to do this.
Come on, do it. Right up against it so you can feel me.
Robin Oh, I have to ask her a question. What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio?
Don't answer that question. Bad question. You're gonna ruin this woman's mood. She might start second-guessing. Are you ready to have sex?
C Caller
[Giggling]
Oh, my God.
C Caller
Oohh! Ooh. It kinda tingles.
See? It tingles. She likes it.
Robin Yeah, sure.
Robin She's full of it.
C Caller
Aahh! Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!
Listen to her. She's going wild.
Robin You got me moaning.
C Caller
Ohhhhhhhh! Oh, my goodness. Ohhh!
[laughs]
This is the best sex I ever had.
I was not saying the call letters right. It's a big problem, so in order to rectify this, I brought in a cup of Blackswell's semen.
Robin Semen?
Fred I squoze it myself. I hope it's not too tangy.
Robin And what are you gonna do with it?
I'm gonna gargle with this and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right.
Robin You think that'll work?
I don't care, 'cause I love the taste of a man. Ooga.
...
Fred There she blows.
Robin You just swallowed.
Fred Waste not, want not, Robin.
Oh! I wanna say I love W N BC. See? It worked. I can say it.
Hi, everybody. My name is Gene Sternburn, and welcome to Match Game. We have a lot of excitement in the air today because we have some great panelists.
...
Let's play our game now, OK? Shall we? And what we're gonna do is ask you to fill in the blank, OK? Now, I want you to listen carefully. Our first clue up is...blank willow. Blank willow. [Music Plays] Let's go over to Miss Brett Somers right now. Now, Brett, what did you have for us? Blank willow.
Robin; The only thing on my mind, Gene, was pussy.
Uh-oh. Pussy. Hey, all right. Hey, that's kind of wild. Pussy willow, that's what I would have said. All right, let's go over to Dick Nixon, former president of the United States. What did you have? Blank willow.
Fred In any language, pussy.
All right! Now let's go to our newest member of the panel, Mr. Jackie "Jokeman" Martling. Blank willow.
Jackie Well, Gene, I didn't write it too neat, so I have a sloppy pussy.
Sloppy pussy! We had a sloppy and a fuzzy pussy and a very big one.
Fred Are we talking about Brett again?
All right, now, Let's keep going. Now it's gonna get a little rougher, OK? Everybody ready? Blank a-doodle-doo. Blank a-doodle-doo. [Music Plays] Blank a-doodle-doo. Think about that while the celebrities are writing. Here we are. Let's go over to our Dick Nixon, our own ex-president. What do you got there, Dick?
Fred Well, it takes a Dick to know a ****, and that's what I wrote.
****-a-doodle-doo. Now, that's what I would have said. That seemed like the obvious answer. OK, let's go to our own Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling. Jackie The Jokeman?
Jackie Gene, I have ****, and I wrote it big. I have a big ****.
Uh, I don't think you can say "big ****" on the radio. I think that's a no-no.
Robin But I just said pussy.
Jackie Yeah, she just said pussy.
Yes, pussy is OK. It's the way he says it. "Big ****" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.
Jackie So I can't say "big ****," but you can say "big **** coming out of my mouth"?
Jackie That sucks.
Fred Did you just say, "big **** coming out of your mouth sucks"?
All right, enough of this nonsense. We gotta move to Miss Brett Somers.
Robin Just like the boys, Gene, I've got ****.
There it is, ****-a-doo...do me a favor and hold that up so I can see your ****.
Jackie Aw, Gene, don't have...
All right, there it is. ****, ****, ****. I must tell you, though, we have to end this fun right now.
That is the first naked lady in the history of radio. Sans panties, sans bra.
Robin I am shocked.
So am I. This is disgraceful. We should be taken off the air.
Robin You've finally done it.
Ohh! Beautiful. You're a work of art. Did you know that?
Let me tell you something. Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio, Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me and give me a massage while she is nude.
Robin What does a massage have to do with making it into history?
Who knows? I don't know. Massage, schmas. I just gotta get touched.
Let me soak you in. Holy cow, are you naked. You know what I like about you?
I like that you're the perfect height. I could have sex with you standing up. Look at that. Ooh.
Robin Howard! You're married.
I am? I mean, I am. Well, I'm not really married anymore.
Take a seat. I'll tell you what happened. My wife was suffering from cancer...I never told you this...and she died last night. I've been single for exactly 24 hours. Honey, if you're up there now, I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side, but I want you to cover your ears and eyes. Besides, you're married to God now...
Let me ask you something. You have the look of love in your eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this. You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you?
Physically, I am. I mean, you're smart, you're sexy.
Wait. Excuse me for one minute. Robin...
Robin I didn't say a thing.
Robin, go up to the cafeteria and get some lunch. Yeah, go ahead. Tell me more about me.
You know what I would do to you physically?
I don't know what I'd do, but let me just say something. Whatever it is, it would last 10 seconds. 10 seconds, I'd be finished. We would have sex, like, 10 times a day. You would love it.
