Garfield quotes from Garfield (2004)

Garfield

Hey! Nobody gets to mistreat my dog like that except me!

Garfield

Surf's up! Gravity, do your thang!

Garfield

All right, here's the drill. Cats, scratch like you've never scratched before. Dogs, bite but don't chew. And, rats, see if you can get that pretty necklace around his neck.

Garfield

Canines, felines and "vermines", it's showtime!

Nermal

Why would he do a thing like that?

Garfield

Gee, I don't know, Nermal.

Nermal

It just seems like a weird thing to do, bringing a dog into a house that already has a cat.

Garfield

Can we drop it? I mean, it's no BIG deal. It's just a splattered bug on the windshield of my life.

Nermal

A bug?

Garfield

A dimwitted, smelly, goofy, splattered bug that I will deal with appropriately and enthusiastically.

Garfield

Oh, Sleeping Beauty, wake up! You can stop dreaming about me, because I'm here now. Just wake up. You've got work to do. You're not just my owner, you're my primary care-giver!

Jon

Not now, Garfield.

You're on the wrong side of the street, fat cat. Beat it!

Garfield

And you, Luca, the wrong side of the evolutionary curve.

Okay, that's it. You're gonna get it good today.

Garfield

I make a point to get it good every day. The real question, Luca, is how shall I outwit you this time?

What?

Garfield

Shall I baffle you with simple math?

I know how to spell.

Garfield

Or should I distract you with something shiny?

Now you're making fun of me.

Garfield

I hope so. You're no fun to look at.

You'll never get the best of me! Aaah!

Garfield

I think I just did.

Not the ducks again!

Garfield

Jump back! And kiss myself. Oooh!

If I ever get off this chain, you're goin' down.

Garfield

Everybody back up! I don't know how wild this thing is gonna get. I love the smell of cinnamon-apple in the morning. It smells like... victory.

Oooh! I hate this fat cat.

Garfield

Aah. So much time and so little I need to do. [Just a chubby little mouse appears when Jon spots it]

Jon

Mouse! [Garfield spots also]

Garfield

No thanks, I'm full.

Garfield

Oh, do I feel good this morning. I slept like a fat CAT. Hey, tall dark and human, what's for breakfast?

Jon

Odie! Where are you boy?

Garfield

Relax, I think he was gonna camp out.

Jon

Odie?

Garfield

Well, he probably had a sleepover at Luca's, I think.

Jon

Odie! Odie?

Garfield

Well, maybe he's fetching the paper for the neighbors. Where is that silly dog?

Garfield

Oh...delicious!

Garfield

You just can't do this, Jon. He's trying to tear us apart. Don't you see that? You know me, I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house. I was provoked, pushed, prodded, driven mad. You can't kick me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal! Oh come on Jon, Jon. You know I'm scared in the dark.

Hey! What are you lookin' at?

Garfield

Nothing, just looking for some company.

Nermal

Keep walking, creepo.

Garfield

What's going on?

Arlene

We know how much you hated Odie. We know how much you wanted him gone!

Garfield

Wait a minute. All I wanted was to sleep in "My Own" bed!

Arlene

And to do it, you cast Odie out into the cold, cruel world?!

Nermal

We saw how you locked Odie outside last night!

Garfield

Oh! I don't believe you guys, I didn't know he was gonna run away. He's a DUMB DOG! No, offense, Luca?

Uh, what?

Garfield

You can't blame me for that.

Nermal

Any one of us could be next.

Arlene

Yeah. There's no room for anybody else in Garfield's world.

Garfield

Huh? Oh, that's a little dramatic.

Jon

It's liver-flavored.

Garfield

Mmm, delicious...yuck! (when Jon comes back with a fork he does not notice that Garfield has taken his hash-browns and has put his own bowl of cat-food where Jon left his own breakfast; Jon accidentally takes a bite of the cat food)

Jon

AGH!! Oh, LIVER...!! (he runs to the sink and vomits)

Garfield

Actually, it's liver-flavored.

Arlene

Garfield, are you all right?

Garfield

I think so. Luca's about to have Odie for lunch.

Arlene

If it wasn't for Odie, you'd be Luca's chew toy.

Nermal

Yeah, he saved your life. Odie's a hero!

Garfield

Thanks a lot, partner.

Oh, yeah. Hold up, G!

Garfield

What?

Watch out for the popo! You know, 5-o? Controlo?

Garfield

Huh?

Animal control, man!

Garfield

Oh, that popo!

Garfield

Louis! What are you doing in the house, when Jon's home?

Sorry, Garfield. Man, I couldn't help it!

Garfield

Look, when he sees you he expects more from me. Don't you get that?

Jon's got those macadamia nut cookies! I'm trying to maintain. You understand?

Garfield

Sure, as long as you understand that I have to eat you. [Louis moans]

Garfield

Another day ruined. Oh, you little suck-up! Oh! Oh, baby! No! Down! Down, dumb dog! What part of no don't you understand? The push off the chair? OFF! I don't want to play. Oh, look, what am I supposed to say? Thanks for saving my hide with Luca? Okay, thanks for saving my hide with Luca. Now, get off!

Jon

Garfield! Did you eat all four boxes of lasagna?

Garfield

It's not my fault. They started it.

Jon

What am I gonna do with you?

Garfield

Love me. Feed me. Never leave me.

Jon

Come on. Let's go for a ride to someplace you love that always leaves you feeling pampered and refreshed.

Garfield

Huh? Oh, I know... Chuck E. Cheese. Thank you. No? Wendy's? Taco Kitty? No? Well, I'm stumped. Maybe Olive Garden for you? The only time I ever leave my cul-de-sac is when Jon takes me to the vet, which he's been doing a lot recently, and it appears to have nothing to do with me. Jon must want to go for his own reason.

Arlene

Garfield, are you alright?

Garfield

I think so. Luca's about to have Odie for lunch.

Arlene

If it wasn't for Odie, you'd be Luca's chew toy.

Nermal

Yeah, he saved your life. Odie's a hero!

Garfield

Why, because I wasn't ripped to shreds? No, Odie's an imbecile until further notice.

Garfield

Hey, moondust, if I were you, I'd grab a nice piece of carpet. Jon doesn't let me sleep up top. Ever.

Jon

Odie, you wanna sleep in the bed? Okay.

Garfield

Wha...?

Jon

Hey, buddy. Good boy. Who's a good boy, huh? You want to sleep on the bed tonight? [in high voice as if pretending to make Odie talk] Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

Garfield

I think I'm going to blow Cat-Chow Chunks.

Jon

Good night, Odie. Good night, Garfield.

Garfield

Great. Wish me luck with the nightmares.

Liz

Well, there's nothing wrong with Garfield. He's just a happy, fat, lazy cat.

Garfield

No need for a second opinion.

Jon

Well, I worry about him.

Liz

I know you do. You know, you care about him more than any owner I've ever known.

Garfield

"Him" has a name. Is this an H.M.O.?

Liz

Let's get Garfield in for his dip. I wanna talk to you in private.

Jon

Oh, she's so beautiful.

Garfield

Mr. Pathetic, you've had a crush on her since high school. Would you please just ask her out so she can reject you, and we can get on with my life?

Jon

I have to ask her out. Wish me luck.

Garfield

Okay, go get 'em, big tiger. You the man. You the fella. You the boss. You preach to her. Show her how the cow eats the cabbage, you hopeless loser. Betty, today, why don't you start me off with a Swedish massage, a manicure and a pedicure, okay? Seaweed wrap, loofah, belly rub, tail waxing and then crack my toes to finish.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Dog Show.

Garfield

Well, what if I compromise a little? How about I do the rolling around with the yarn ball thing? And I'll purr. I'll purr like a Ferrari. Or make that a Jaguar. I won't climb drapes, though. That's more than you get from some dumb...dog. Oops. Dogs. [The dogs sees Garfield] Uh-oh. Oh, what? You're all gonna take it personally?
[All dogs barking at Garfield] Male Owner Down, boy! Sit!

Stay!

Garfield

Now, I'm gonna die! Oh, now I really AM gonna die!

Garfield

Excuse me. Can I get through here?

Jon

Garfield?!

Garfield

No one under this tarp! Ah! That's my ear!

GARFIELD!

Owners! Maintain control of your dogs! People! Control those animals, now! Music! MUSIC, YOU IDIOT!

Garfield

Yeah! Play the music.

Garfield

That's my bad knee! Stop it!

Garfield! Run! RUN!

Garfield

Alright, feet! Don't fail me now!

I apologize for this! Please excuse this outburst! This is highly irregular!

I'll handle this.

Jon

Odie! [Whistles] Odie! Odie, come on. Come on, buddy. Come back. Odie! Odie, you want a treat? Huh? Buddy?
[Odie runs to arena and starts dancing]

Garfield

Oh, please, this is exactly what I deserve anyway. I promise if I survive, I'll never compete with a dog again! Okay, you got me! But before I say goodbye, oh, isn't this the final irony? Look who's here to witness this: the mailman! You're so stupid.

Jon

Okay, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What... What am I gonna do? I've waited for this night my entire life.

Garfield

If you tell her the truth, you'll feel much better. And you won't have to see her anymore. It's kinda creepy having a vet around the house, anyway.

Jon

I can't just go out and pretend like nothing's happened, can I?

Garfield

Well, I sure could. The one thing you can't do is tell her the dog's gone.

Jon

I gotta tell her.

Garfield

No.

Jon

I've gotta tell her.

Garfield

No! That's not what I said! Schmuck.

Garfield

You know... I think I had a nightmare like this once. [screams as he falls into a lasagna truck, then crashes, causing empty boxes to go flying] Once again, my life has been saved by the miracle... of lasagna.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends! Once more!

Garfield

Go, go, go, go, go!

I'm going! I'm going!

Garfield

Run! Run! Go! Go! Get the door!

Hey, there's a fire hydrant!

Don't stop! Don't stop!

Code blue! Code blue! We got runners! We got runners! Halt! Stop! You have not been cleared for release.

Garfield

Alright, here's the drill. Cats, scratch like you've never scratched before. Dogs, bite, but don't chew. And rats, see if you can get that pretty necklace around his neck. [Happy glances around nervously as the animals close in on him] Canines, felines, and vermines, it's showtime!

Alright, boys. Dog pile! Hit him low! Hit him high! Hit him in the legs!

Happy

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Garfield

Thanks, boys. The home team will take it from here. [The animals leave] Better split before Animal Control gets here.

Hey, Garfield, take it easy.

See you later, Garfield.

Yo, Garfield, good luck.

Garfield

Odie, would you mind sharing the remote with me, please? Every dog has his day, Happy.

Happy

Nice kitty.

Garfield

Let's see what's on the news. [shocks Happy with the shock collar] Let me tell you something, Happy. To you, Odie might be just a dumb, stupid, smelly dog, but to me, he's all that and much more. He's my friend. Odie, try something else. Maybe there's a game on. [Odie shocks Happy with the shock collar again] Strong finish, little buddy.

Jon

Odie? Garfield?

Liz

Odie?

Jon

Odie? Odie?

Happy

Be happy.

Jon

This is for stealing my dog and my cat. [punches Happy in the face, startling Liz as she watches]

Garfield

He didn't steal me; I was doing the rescue work.

Jon

Garfield! Odie! [hugs Garfield while Liz hugs Odie] Oh, I missed you guys so much! I'm never gonna let you outta my sight again. Never. You guys are my best friends.

Garfield

You had me at hello.

This is Walter J. Chapman with breaking news from the Midwest. Abby Shields reporting. What did you got for me, Abby?

The details are sketchy, but it appears that a deranged man may be the cause of all of the trouble here.

Nermal

A deranged man? What's this?

In fact, police are bringing the suspect out as we speak.

Aah! Good grief. It's my idiot brother. [makes a "Cut" gesture]

Nermal

Hey! It's Happy Chapman. He's going for a ride in a police car.

But sources tell me that this incident, somehow, involved a dog and a very heroic cat.

Arlene

Garfield?

Nermal

Hey, he saved Odie! Now he's a hero!

Arlene

Oh, I didn't realize.

Nermal

Garfield is on TV! He's a hero!