Carl Spackler Oh Mrs. Crane, you wore green so you could hide from me. You're a little monkey woman. You're lean and you're mean and you're not too far between, either, I bet, are ya, huh? How'd you like to wrap your spikes around my head?
Played by Bill Murray 
Caddyshack (1980) · 111 quotes
Caddyshack (1980) · 111 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Caddyshack (1980): in 21 of its 111 quotes
Most scenes with: Ty Webb (5)
If he bothers you, I'll take care of him. What you've got to do is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again, because his weight displacement goes back, all his weight is on his right foot, and he'll push everything off to the right. He'll never come through on anything. He'll quit the game.
More lines from Carl Spackler
12 quotes Carl Spackler Carl Spackler "Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts." How about a nice, cool drink, varmints? Scum! Slime! Menace to the golfing industry! You're a disgrace. You're varmints. You're one of the lowest members of the food chain and you'll probably be replaced by the rat. Well, I have been pushed. It's about time somebody teaches these varmints a little lesson about morality and about what it's like to be a decent, upstanding member of a society! Come to Carl, varmint. -- I guess we're playing for keeps now. I guess the kidding around is pretty much over. I guess it's just a matter of pumping about five thousand gallons of water down there to teach you a little bit of a lesson. Is that it? I think it is!
Carl Spackler Licensed to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet-Cong...Varmint-Cong. So you have to fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence. And that's all she wrote.
Carl Spackler I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang, is dead varmint poontang, I think.
Carl Spackler Wait up, girls. I've got a salami I've got to hide.
Carl Spackler I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner and I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena!
Carl Spackler Man in a boat overboard. You beast! You savage. Come on, bark like a dog for me. Bark like a dog! I will teach you the meaning of the word "respect"!
Carl Spackler What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack...at Augusta. He's at his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 Iron I think. [Swings, pulverizes a flower] Oh, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved crowd is going wild... [pauses] for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5 iron it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... [Swings, pulverizes another flower] That's- Oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8 iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters Champion. [Swings, pulverizes yet another flower] It looks like a mirac- It's in the hole! It's in the hole!
Carl Spackler Note: bolded portion ranked #92 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
Carl Spackler I have to laugh because I've often asked myself my foe, my enemy, is an animal. In order to conquer him I have to think like an animal and whenever possible to look like one. I've got to get inside this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who is the gopher's ally? His friend? The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit. I'm going to use you guys to do my dirty work for me.
Carl Spackler [aiming with a rifle]
FREEZE, GOPHER!!!
Carl Spackler Hello? Anybody home? Hello, Mr. Gopher! It's me, Mr. Squirrel. Just a harmless squirrel. Not a plastic explosive or anything. Nothing to be worried about. I'm just here to make your last hours on earth as peaceful as possible. Don't mind this. This is doctor's orders. You don't mind if I just pop in there for a few laughs? That's right. Or in the words of Jean-Paul Sartre: "Au revoir, gopher." This is going to be sweet.
Scenes with Carl Spackler
8 scenesSandy [Scottish brougue]: Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Carl Correct me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they'll lock me up and throw away the key.
Sandy
Not golfers, you great git! Gophers, the little brown, furry rodents!
Carl We can do that. We don't even need a reason.
Sandy
Ayye! Well do it, man!
Carl OK, but why don't we do the same thing, but with gophers?
Carl [Sandy storms off]
It's not my fault nobody can understand you.
Carl So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas.
Angie
A looper?
Carl A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Golfer
Nice shot, Bishop. You must have made a deal with the devil!
You know, theoretically, I could break the Club record.
Golfer
You better come in until this blows over.
So what do you think?
Carl I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while.
You're right. Anyway, the good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life.
[Bishop continues to golf in the rain, hitting amazing shot after amazing shot, with Carl admiring him the entire time. On the last hole, he misses a long putt.]
OH RAT FARTS!!!!!
[Bishop is struck by lightning.]
Is this your place?
Carl What do you think?
It's really awful.
Carl Make yourself comfortable.
No, I don't want to stick to anything.
Carl People say I'm an idiot because all I do is cut lawns for a living.
People don't say that about you...as far as you know.
Carl I invented my own kind of grass, too. Did you know that? Look at this. This is registered: Carl Spackler's Bent.
I've felt grass like this before. I've played on this stuff.
Carl This is a hybrid. This is a cross bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt at night on this stuff. I've got pounds of this stuff. [hands his joint] Here, take a puff on this big ole' Bob Marley joint.
Oh, I couldn't possibly, well maybe one.
Carl [Starts coughing uncontrollably]
It's a little harsh...Here. [hands him bottle of wine] Cannonball it, Cannonball! Cannonball comin' through, Cannonball!
Carl But, seriously, no b.s...if you ever want to rap or just get weird with somebody...You know...buddies.
I'll drop by. You drop by my place any time.
Carl What's your address? You're on Briar, right?
Briar, yeah. Number 2.
Carl Do you have a pool?
A pool and a pond. A pond would be good for you. Natural spring water.
Carl Anything would be good.
