Judge Smails Oh, Porterhouse! Look at the wax build-up on those shoes! This is fine leather! I want that wax stripped off! I want them creamed and buffed with a fine chamois. And I want them now! Chop chop!
Played by Ted Knight 
Caddyshack (1980) · 111 quotes
Caddyshack (1980) · 111 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Caddyshack (1980): in 28 of its 111 quotes
Most scenes with: Al Czervik (5), Ty Webb (4), Danny (3)
I have a little poem I'd like to read in honor of this occasion, if I may. Spaulding, get your foot off the boat! :"It's easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you've got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat"... Ah ha ha ha. OK Pookie, do the honors.
More lines from Judge Smails
8 quotes Judge Smails Judge Smails Don't count that one; winter rules.
Judge Smails I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it - felt I owed it to them.
Judge Smails Weeeeell, we're waiting!
Judge Smails Spaulding, this one calls for the old Billy Barule. Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy. This is a biggie! Don't let me down, Billy! Forty thousand dollars...Billy
Judge Smails Well, the world needs ditch diggers too.
Judge Smails Danny, I'm having a party this weekend. [pauses a beat] How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?
Judge Smails [impatiently waits for Danny's final putt]
WELL? WE'RE WAITING.
Scenes with Judge Smails
19 scenes
Mrs. Smails
Well, you two look like a couple of boogies.
Mrs. Smails
Will you come and loofah my stretch marks?
Card Player
Do you have any eights?
Judge Smails [Walking by the card table]
Don't you people have homes?
Judge Smails Get dressed Spaulding, you're playing golf today.
No I'm not Grandpa, I'm playing tennis.
Judge Smails No, you're playing golf and you're going to like it.
But what about my asthma?
Judge Smails I'll give you asthma.
Judge Smails Ty, what did you shoot today?
Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.
Judge Smails Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?
By height.
Judge Smails You know Ty, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.
Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.
Turds! Double turds!
Judge Smails How many times have I spoken to you about your language?
Sorry, Grandpa, I forgot.
Judge Smails Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper, this is my niece, Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
It must be a nice change from dreary, old Manhattan.
Yes. I was getting really tired of having fun all the time.
What're we, waiting for these guys? Hey Whitey, where's your hat? Let's go! While we're young!
Judge Smails Do you mind, sir. I'm trying to tee off.
I'll bet you a hundred bucks you slice it into the woods.
Judge Smails Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I NEVER SLICE!
Judge Smails [Swings club, slices ball into woods]
DAMN!
OK, you can owe me.
Judge Smails I owe you nothing.
Judge Smails The man is a menace! Cut that off! Music is a violation of our personal privacy! He's breaking the law!
I've always been fascinated with the law, sir.
Judge Smails Really? What areas?
All areas. Personal privacy, noise statutes....I'd planned to go to law school after I graduated, but my folks won't have enough money to put me through college.
Judge Smails The world needs ditchdiggers, too.
Nice try.
I want a hamburger... no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...
Judge Smails You'll get nothing and like it!
Judge, give someone else a chance! You lucky devil! Come here, honey! And loosen up! You're a lot of woman, you know? You wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?
Mrs. Smails
You! You! You're no gentleman!
I'm no doorknob, either.
Judge Smails I'm having a party at the Yacht Club this Sunday. I'm christening my new sloop. What are you doing this Sunday?
No plans.
Judge Smails Great! How would you like to mow my lawn? I figured a college-bound fellow could use a few extra dollars. And when you're finished why don't you drop by the Yacht Club? Eh? Huh? [laughs]
Judge Smails, sir?
Judge Smails Sit down, Danny. I think you know why you're here. So I'll do us the courtesy of not reviewing what happened yesterday. My niece is the kind of girl that has a certain zest for living. The last thing any of us needs now is a lot of loose talk about her behavior.
I swear I didn't tell anybody anything, sir.
Judge Smails Good. Good. You know, despite what happened I'm still convinced that you have many fine qualities. I think you can still become a gentleman someday if you understand and abide by the rules of decent society. There's a lot of...well, badness in the world today. I see it in court every day. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. I didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what you stand for. Goodness...or badness.
I've made some mistakes in the past. I'm willing to make up for that. I want to be good!
Judge Smails Very good! I know how hard it is for young people today and I want to help. Just ask my grandson, Spaulding. He and I are regular pals. Are you my pal......"Mr. Scholarship Winner"?
Yes, sir! I'm your pal!
Judge Smails How about a Fresca?
Another Rob Roy, Bishop?
You never ask a navy man if he'll have another drink because it's nobody's goddamn business how many drinks he's had already, right?
Judge Smails Wrong! You're drinking too much, Your Excellency.
"Excellency," fiddlesticks! My name is Fred and I'm just a man, same as you are.
Judge Smails You're not a man. You're a bishop, for God's sake!
There is no God!
Judge Smails You have worn out your welcome, sir!
Is that so? Who made you Pope of this dump?
Judge Smails Bushwood...a "dump"? Well, I'll guarantee you'll never be a member here!
Are you kidding? You think I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"? Why, this whole place sucks!
Judge Smails Su-su-su-...
That's right. It sucks! The only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it!
Judge Smails B-b-Buy Bushwood! You...?
Judge Smails I demand satisfaction!
Oh, you want satisfaction? I'll tell you what's real satisfying...cash! I'll shoot you 18 holes for $10,000.
Judge Smails [laughs]
Why, I could beat you with one arm.
How about teams for $20,000? You can have "Dr. Frankenputz."
I beg your pardon!
And I'll take Ty.
Hey, fellows. Don't include me. I don't have time.
Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
I don't play golf, for money, against people.
What are you, religious or something?
You might say that.
Judge Smails Can I have a word with you? In private.
Sure thing, Judge.
Judge Smails Your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this Club, he and I! Let's face it. Some people simply do not belong. Let's not...cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?
Great!
My dad...never liked you.
Hold on, Judge! That's my office. I better get going.
Judge Smails No. You're in for half of $80,000.
Probably just a routine emergency.
