Tripper Harrison [to Rudy]
You must be the short depressed kid we ordered. Glad you made it.
Played by Bill Murray 
Meatballs (1979) · 35 quotes
Meatballs (1979) · 35 quotes
Most-quoted character in Meatballs (1979): in 30 of its 35 quotes
Most scenes with: Rudy (5), Roxanne (3), Hardware (2)
Mmmmm. Look at all those steaming wieners. Do you know what they're saying? They're saying, "This is the year that Fink beats 'The Stomach'." [Fink picks up a hot dog and holds it to his ear] No, it's a couple of them over here... but they're saying it.
More lines from Tripper Harrison
14 quotes Tripper Harrison Tripper Harrison [to the C.I.T.'s as he tears up the camp rules]
These are the camp rules. Morty would like you all to take a look at these. They'll be in here if you want to check them out a little bit later.
Tripper Harrison [on loudspeaker]
Attention campers, afternoon swim schedule is as follows. Advanced dolphins, report to the dock for survival swimming and I.Q. testing. All senior silverfish, meet on the beach for nude sunbathing. All junior salmon, trout, and herring, report to the nearest delicatessen. And 6-year-old tadpoles, report to the swamp. And all lobsters, GET OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE A MENACE!
Tripper Harrison [on loudspeaker]
Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed "some kind of beef." Congradulations, Jeffery. You've just won a brand new Chrylser Cordoba and you can pick it up at Morty's office.
Tripper Harrison [on loudspeaker]
Attention all campers, it's 9:30... and that's lights-out time here at Camp Northstar, 9:30 as you know. Tomorrow is parents day, and you must look rested or Morty will be sent to the state penitentiary.
Tripper Harrison Ok, the zone's not working. They're a little too big to play man-to-man. And we can't shoot for shit.
Tripper Harrison [driving the bus on a getaway from the intercamp basketball game where they escaped after not winning but humiliating the other team by pulling their shorts down]
This is the proudest moment in North Star history!
Tripper Harrison [entering party]
Alright, virgins to the left, non-virgins to the right. [to Crocket and Wheels] You guys split 'em up however you want.
Tripper Harrison [on loudspeaker]
Important announcement - Some hunters have been seen in the woods near Piney Ridge trail and the fish and game commission has raised the legal kill limit on campers to three. So, if you're hiking today, please wear something bright and keep low.
Tripper Harrison Kids are starving in China and you're walking around with a sombrero full of peanuts.
Tripper Harrison [on loudspeaker]
Attention. Camp North Star, senior staff, counselors, counselors-in-training, please rise for our national anthem. [plays bagpipe music] How about that anthem, huh? Gee, I don't know about you, but I just get a great big lump in my throat every time I hear it. Well, it's, uh, seven o'five in the, uh, AM and it's, uh... Wow! Forty-three degrees on the old Camp North Star weather dial. That is kind of nippy for a June twenty-five, isn't it? Whew. I'm Tripper Harrison. [gets out of bed] AHH!! AHHHHH!!! Ahhhhh, I'm your head counselor. And this is my wake-up show. I'll be coming at you every morning, about this time, hoping to make your summer camp experience the best available... in this price range. Of course, across the lake, over at Camp Mohawk, uh, they won't be getting up for another hour or so. And when they do, they will be awakened by servants bearing croissants and café au lait. [turns on the coffee and spits] Oops, hope I didn't hit anybody. But over here, at Camp North Star this morning, we're gonna be having a delicious gruel breakfast and don't forget to ask for seconds because it's all the gruel you can eat.
Tripper Harrison Guys, it’s important for us to hustle at both ends of the court. We gotta make the offense work. We gotta play that big tough D, we gotta contain their big men inside. We gotta crash the boards on offense. We can’t give them the baseline at any price. But more important than the score of this game is to score at the big social at our place tonight. So, I want you guys to go out there and protect your balls at any cost. Bruce Lee, patron of self defense, pray for us!
Tripper Harrison [enters the dance]
Okay! Virgins on the right, non-virgins on the left. You fellas can divide them up any way you like.
Tripper Harrison [on loudspeaker]
Attention, campers. Arts and crafts has been canceled due to bad taste. All junior girls are now junior boys...and Nurse DeMarco says that the raccoon fever epidemic is officially over.
Scenes with Tripper Harrison
15 scenes
Wendy Tripper, I'm looking forward to some action this summer. I hope you can supply it.
Tripper I'll supply it for you, but the guy you gotta watch out for is Spaz!
Wendy Spaz?
Tripper He's a sex machine.
Wendy He couldn't wake me up with a trumpet and a drum!
Tripper Well I went out with him one night and he got off six nurses by himself, and four of them couldn't report to work the next morning!
Interviewer
These children are going to the most glamorus of all summer camps: Camp Mohawk. There's a two year waiting list and every child has to be voted in. On top of that it costs $1,000 a week to to go to Camp Mohawk. The question is, is it worth a $1,000 a week.
Tripper It sure is. It's the best darn camp there is.
Interviewer
Well, are you connected with Camp Mohawk?
Tripper Well, I think so, I'm the program dircetor; Jerry Aldini
Interviewer
Well, how do you justify a $1,000 a week.
Tripper Well, we have some special programs. Uh, we're doing Shakespear in the Round again this year, of course. Uh, our political roundtable, Henry Kissinger will appear. Asser Arafat is gonna come out, spend a weekend with the kids. Just rap with them.
Interviewer That's amazing!
Tripper And the kids wanted animals. So this year, each camper will stalk and kill his own bear in our private wildlife preserve.
Interviewer
Are you sure the children can, uh, can hack that?
Tripper We'll see. But, the real excitement, of course, is gonna come at the end of the summer, uh, during Sexual Awareness Week. We import 200 hookers from around the world, and each camper, armed with only a thermos of coffee and $2,000 cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can and the winner, of course, is named King of Sexual Awareness Week and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends.
Interviewer That's incredible.
Tripper What'd you expect for $1,000 a week. Hey, you have a good summer too, huh.
What's cookin' good lookin'?
Girl Camper
Your fly's undone. [laughs]
Tripper Hey Spaz, I was watchin' you out there. Looked like you had a chance there for a second.
I'm going away.
Tripper You goin' to Vegas? If you're going to Vegas, I would be up for it because I love that town. I'm a party guy. I love that town.
I don't think they want me around.
Tripper You talkin' about the soccer heads back there? Well, that's life in the fast-paced slam-bang, live-on-the-razor's-edge, laugh-in-the-face-of-death world of junior league soccer.
Tripper Roxanne, I have to tell you this as a friend; I can see right down your blouse. I can see everything too.
Tripper, is there something seriously wrong with you?
Tripper Roxanne, I have what doctors call "very active glands." You're the first person I've told, my folks don't even know.
Well, maybe you can have surgery without them knowing.
Tripper Awww, heck with surgery! Let's wrestle!
Another panty raid, Trip?
Tripper NO QUESTIONS, DOGFACE!
Tripper [dancing together]
Is that a bra you're wearing, or are you expecting an assassination attempt?
Are those Clorets in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Tripper OK, we're even. 3 years of this. I don't think I have many lines left. Frankly, Roxanne, I'm frightened.
Oh, no. Don't go human on me now, Tripper.
Tripper Well, I'm trying.
So keep trying.
I saw you dancing with Roxanne.
Tripper Oh yeah? Well, she sort'a cornered me and there was nothing I could do without embarrassing her.
Do you like her?
Tripper Well, I feel sorry for her, you know. She's got a glass eye. And, uh, I'm one of the few people who knows exactly which eye to look at when they're talking to her, so she's sort of fixated on me.
Well, I like her.
Tripper Well you're not exactly known for your taste. I'll probably just use her for the rest of the summer and then throw her on the scrap heap with all the rest of the women that I've destroyed. Uh, I have to go on this overnight. I'm takin' the C.I.T.s on an overnight for the next couple days so you're gonna have to do your own training, son. I want you to run two miles today and two and a half tomorrow.
I've never run that far.
Tripper Neither have I but somebody's gotta do it. I can't be expected to do it. Somebody's gotta do it, and it can't be me! Because I'm too busy. I've responsibilities. I'm the entertainment director for the overnight. [holds up a bottle of wine]
Tripper It's a weird moon. Moon kills, you know. It feeds off the earth. On a night like this, one of us could get up in the middle of the night, grab an axe and cut someone's head off. [Fink laughs and howls] I remember a night like this a few years ago. A guy and a girl went out driving, it was one of their first dates, started out kind of casual, but they ended up deciding to go park. Not too far from here, as a matter of fact. Well, they were going at it listening to the radio, all of the sudden a news bulliton broke, "Dangerous lunitic has escaped from the hospital of the criminally insaine at Two Pines."
A.L. Oh, come on, Trip.
Tripper They described him as a monster, six and a half feet tall, two-hundered and sixty pounds, with one horrible distingishing feature: a sharpened-stainless steel hook... where his right hand use to be. That was enough for the guy. He slammed the car into gear, floored it, bounced off a tree, didn't stop until they got to the girl's house, got out of his side, walked around to her's. There, hanging in the door covered with blood was a stainless-steel hook. The strangest part is after all these years, after the biggest man hunt in Two Pines history, they never found the killer! Some people say he's still out here in the woods waiting for the chance to kill again. And I say... I say there right! [reveales a hook on his right hand, scaring everone, and chases Roxanne into the forest, followed by everyone laughing]
Larry
Hey, my dinner!
Wheels
Isn't that a bullshit story.
Jackie No, it's true. I heard it before.
Wendy Yah.
Jackie Only I heard it was on a beach.
Wendy Yeah.
No, I heard it happened at a park.
Oh, I heard it, but the guy was missing a foot.
Larry
How could the guy have a hook on his foot!?
Tripper What's the matter? You're pacing like an expectant father with the clap.
The Olypiad is tomorrow.
Tripper So?
I wanna do well.
Tripper You wanna do well? Bet every dime you got on Camp Mohawk.
Are you going to go see Roxanne tonight after Morty's rally?
Tripper [sarcastic]
Could be. After the way she treated me on the overnight I'm a little afraid to be alone with her tonight. And I think you know what I mean.
I think you like her. Really, admit it! You really do like her don't you? [Tripper makes a funny-discusted face]
Morty Hey, gang, come on! Look it, just `cause we're losing doesn't mean it's all over.
Phil
Cut the crap, Morty. I mean, the Mohawks have beaten us the last 12 years, they're gonna beat us again.
Tripper That's just the attitude we don't need, Phil. Sure, Mohawk has beaten us 12 years in a row. Sure, they're terrific athletes. They've got the best equipment that money can buy. Hell, every team they're sending over here has their own personal masseuse. Not masseur. Masseuse. But, it doesn't matter. Do you know that every Mohawk competitor has electrocardiogram, blood and urine tests every 48 hours to see if there's any change in his physical condition. Do you know that they use the most sophisticated training methods from the Soviet Union, East and West Germany, and the newest Olympic power, Trinidad Tobago. But, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter! I tell you it just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!
The group
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER...
Tripper And Even...and even if we win...if we win... Ha! Even if we win. Even if we play so far over our heads that our noses bleed for a week to ten days. Even if God in Heaven above comes down and points His hand at our side of the field. Even if everyman woman and child held hands together and prayed for us to win. It just wouldn't matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guy from Mohawk cause they've got all the money. It just doesn't matter if we win or we lose. It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!
The group
IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER...
Tripper My place, what do you think?
Is it big enough?
Tripper It's got a double bed. What's the matter with you, haven't you ever lived with anybody before?
No. Have you?
Tripper Pets, you know, a dog, a fish. No, I haven't. I've never asked anybody before.
[They kiss]
Tripper Can I have some fries, please? [sees Rudy sitting in a diner both] Hey! Gerner. How's it goin'? This is the best damn food in the whole Two Pines area. Not surprised you found this place. I had you pegged for a gourmet first time I met you. You know, that's a smart move bringing a suitcase. You don't wanna be leaving a lot of valuable socks and underwear around camp where people can wrestle around in them when you're out on the town. [Waiter brings Tripper his French fries] Thank you. [to Rudy] You like ketchup?
I'm going away.
Tripper You goin' to Vegas? If you're going to Vegas, man, then I would be up for it cause I love that town. I'm a party guy, I love that town.
I don't think they want me around.
Tripper You talking about the soccer-heads back there? Well, that's life in the fast-paced, slam-bang, live-on-the-razor's-edge, laugh-in-the-face-of-death world of junior league soccer.
I'm serious, I've never played the game before! I tried to tell them.
Tripper What? You tried to tell... and they... Who was it? I'll get 'em. I'll get 'em with this Swiss army knife. The Swiss trained me to kill and I will do it; I will grab these guys by the neck, take the toothpick and stick it right in between their teeth! And then I'll slap them around the head a couple of times. They'll go out for just a couple of seconds, they'll be unconscious and what I'll do then, I'll go for the corkscrew. And I'll grap 'em and I will take that corkscrew and I will stick it right into the voicebox. I will twist that mofo, I will twist it, rip it out and he'll talk like this for the rest of his life!
I don't wanna hurt anyone. I just want them to like me.
Tripper Why? You make one good friend a summer and you're doing pretty well. Look, if you have trouble, come to me, tell me, and I'll help you.
Tripper Okay, the zone's not working. They're a little bit too good to cover man-to-man, and we can't shoot for shit.
Crockett What kind of talk's that for a coach?
Tripper I'm not gonna lie. There's no way we're gonna beat this team.
Wheels
What are we gonna do, Trip?
Tripper We're gonna lose.
Wheels
What?
Tripper But we can lose with some self-respect.
