Steve Zissou Do you think this is fake? [points gun at jane]
Most-quoted character in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004): in 85 of its 117 quotes
Most scenes with: Oseary Drakoulias (48), Ned Plimpton (16), Jane Winslett-Richardson (9)
The Arctic Night-lights. Yeah. "As if the natural world's been turned upside down." Lord Mandrake. Vikram, get some cutaways of this miracle. Klaus, Ogata, put out the deck fires before we sink.
More lines from Steve Zissou
36 quotes Steve Zissou Steve Zissou I'm going to find it and I'm going to destroy it. I don't know how yet, maybe dynamite.
Steve Zissou Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to join me is more than welcome.
Steve Zissou Nobody knows what's going to happen. And then we film it. That's the whole concept.
Steve Zissou You really think it's cool for you to hit the sauce with a bun in the oven?
Steve Zissou [to Ogata and Pele]
What are you doing? Go to bed, you sons of bitches!
Steve Zissou Son of a bitch, I'm sick of these dolphins.
Steve Zissou Supposedly Cousteau and his cronies invented the idea of putting walkie-talkies into the helmet. But we made ours with a special rabbit ear on the top so we could pipe in some music.
Steve Zissou You know, I'd be jealous about you staying at Allie's place, except I always thought he was kind of a closet ****.
Steve Zissou That pregnant slut is playing us like a cheap fiddle!
Steve Zissou Are you finding what you were looking for... out here with me? I hope so.
Steve Zissou Oseary, this is probably my son Ned. We just met.
Steve Zissou Just do what you gotta do to cover your ass, Bill.
Steve Zissou You hung us out to dry. If we don't handle this right, we're gonna all get murdered. Including her unborn British child.
Steve Zissou Don't point that gun at him, he's an unpaid intern.
Steve Zissou Tell them if they don't get off my boat right now... there's gonna be a major shit-storm.
Steve Zissou Be cool on this shit, okay, cubbie? I mean, at least try to show both sides.
Steve Zissou I said get your ass the hell off of my boat!
Steve Zissou I've never seen a bond company stooge stick his neck out like that.
Steve Zissou Those **** amateurs. You left your dog, you idiots!
Steve Zissou Go downstairs and throw a tarp over anything that says "Operation Henessey" on it.
Steve Zissou The first thing that goes through a captain's head when he hears there's low morale goin' around is: "What'd I do? Is it all my fault? "Well, he's probably right. Most of us have been together a long time. There are others that were here before that. Do you all not like me anymore? I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't know. Look, if you're not against me... don't cross this line. If yes, do. I love you all.
Steve Zissou I mean, I know I want him to think of me like a father. But the fact that there's an outside chance that he could really be my actual... biological son... is very difficult for me.
Steve Zissou It's probably the last adventure I've got in me. I was hopin' to go out in a flash of blazes, but I'll probably just end up goin' home.
Steve Zissou Oh, shit! Swamp leeches. Everybody, check for swamp leeches, and pull them off... Nobody else got hit? I'm the only one? What's the deal?
Steve Zissou What a waste. They had a bartender here, Kino, made the best rum cannonball I've ever tasted.
Steve Zissou Wolodarsky, go get the keys to that fishing boat, and throw them in the water. No, wait. They might have another set. Just blow it up.
Steve Zissou I'm about to blow my stack. I turn my back, and the bullshit begins. Ned, you're a scumbag. And, Jane, you're a goddamn liar.
Steve Zissou I'm sorry I never acknowledged your existence all those years. It won't happen again. I mean it. You are my son to me. Almost more so.
Steve Zissou Give me that camera. I'm gonna smash it over your head. Cut!
Steve Zissou This is the first time Eleanor's ever cried in front of me as long as I've known her. Except for once when she got her arm caught in the deck winch.
Steve Zissou Well, I was a little embarrassed at first. Obviously people are gonna think I'm a showboat and a little bit of a prick. But then I realized... that's me. I said those things. I did those things. I can live with that.
Steve Zissou [referring to the shark that ate his friend, Esteban]
I wonder if it remembers me.
Steve Zissou We complete the adventure, but another member of our crew has been lost. This one was my son. Also our equity partner. We start the voyage home in our wounded vessel.
Steve Zissou We'll give them the reality this time. A washed-up old man with no friends, no distribution deal, wife on the rocks, people laughin' at him, feelin' sorry for himself.
Steve Zissou This is an adventure.
Scenes with Steve Zissou
48 scenes Steve Encounter with highly abnormal sharklike fish! Ten meters in length, unfamiliar dorsal features, spots all over it! I shot it dorsally with a homing dart! Esteban was eaten! Check the scanning monitor! Start tracking before it dives too deep!
Esteban was bitten?
Steve Eaten!
Is he dead?
Steve Esteban was eaten!
He was swallowed whole?
Steve No! Chewed!
Festival Director That's an endangered species at most. What would be the scientific purpose of killing it?
Steve Revenge.
Antonia Cook You must be so excited.
Steve I hope so. You think it went OK?
Antonia Cook No. Congratulations... Seriously.
Steve Thanks. I wish it didn't require the "seriously," but thank you.
How are things going with your - what are you calling it? Leopard fish?
Steve Jaguar shark.
Jaguar shark! So tell me - does it really exist?
Steve You know, Allie, I don't want to give away the ending.
You're the most ravishing creature that I've ever seen in my life.
Hello Skinny.
Hello Eleanor.
Is that a new merit badge?
Oh, yeah, as a matter of fact it is. I just became a Knight in Portugal, the Presidente gave a special ball...
Steve Don't be nice to Ali, he's my nemesis.
Steve [referring to Hennessy]
How could you lay that slick ****?
Well, I was in love with him at the time...
Steve We were pretty good while we lasted, weren't we?
Oh, we were like glory's gate, my darling. We were like that bloody shark of yours, we swam with the... oh, damn it, I had it on the plane.
You must swear, legally swear that you will not kill that shark, or whatever it is, if it actually exists.
Steve I'm going to fight it, but I'll let it live. What about my dynamite?
Captain Zissou my name is Ned Plimpton...
Steve OK, Man.
Steve You're supposed to be my son, right?
I don't know. But I did want to meet you, just in case.
Why didn't you ever try to contact me?
Steve Because I hate fathers, and I never wanted to be one.
Steve People say that when someone says something like that, it's because they're jealous. But it still hurts. It hurts bad.
That man was damn rude. He can go straight to hell.
Your cat's dead.
Steve What? Which one?
Marmalade. I'm sorry.
Steve What happened?
A rattlesnake bit it in the throat.
Steve Goddamn it, Eleanor, why do you have to say it like that? You couldn't try to break it a little bit nicer?
Steve She's a rich bitch, you know. She was raised by maids. Her parents paid for this island and two of my worst movies. People say she's the brains behind Team Zissou.
People say a lot of things. What kind of cat was it?
Steve Who gives a shit?
Steve I think it was a tabby.
When'd you first hear about me?
Steve About five years ago. I read it in an article about myself.
Did you believe it?
Steve It was in the paper. I assumed they checked their facts.
Steve I dunno, I think that bull-**** reporter is gonna burn us.
I don't think she's a lesbian, Dad. She's pregnant.
Steve Bull **** can get pregnant. Anyway, I'd back out now, but we need the press.
Steve Where'd you come from? You look pregnant.
I am pregnant. I'm not even going to ask what you men are doing out here in your matching pajamas, by the way.
Steve Can you hear the Jack Whales singing?
Steve Well actually that's a Sludge Tanker over there... [Several whales sing] There you go!
You're too old for me, Steve.
Steve Yeah, well, you're pregnant.
Steve Hey intern, get me a Campari.
Intern #1 On the rocks?
I need to find a baby for this father.
Steve Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
I'm going to have to start locking my effing door.
Steve It was locked, I kicked it in. Why don't you just curse like other people?
Because I'm trying to get out of the habit before I have my **** baby!
Who locked us out?
No-one, we're trespassing.
Steve, are we allowed in here?
Steve It's a scientific community, man.
Vladimir Wolodarsky Steve, one of the interns just fell down the stairs with the main tracking processor.
Steve All right, just make sure we steal the backup.
How do you feel about part one of your new film?
Steve Why? How do you feel about part one of my new film?
Well, I'm honest, so -
Steve Just say it.
I thought aspects of it seemed slightly fake.
Steve Did it seem fake when my best friend was bitten in half right in front of me then eaten alive, screaming? I think you're a fake. And I think you're a phony, and a bad reporter. How does that feel? Now tell me something. [Steve points his gun at her] Does this seem fake?
Steve [handing Ned a gun]
Here.
Oh, no, no, no.
Steve No exceptions. Everyone gets one. Anne-Marie! Do the interns get glocks?
No. They all share one.
Do you know that you just charted us on a course through unprotected waters?
Steve Yeah, we're taking the shortcut.
But it's outside I.M.U. jurisdiction. There isn't any protection.
Steve I know, honey. Look at the map. We go your way, that's about four inches. We go my way, it's an inch and a half. You wanna pay for the extra gas?
Steve I hope you're not gonna bust our chops on this on, Bill.
Why would I do that?
Steve Because you're a bond company stooge.
Steve All right, I take that back. How about a little teamsmanship?
What happened to Jacqueline?
Steve She didn't really love me.
Steve Are you sure?
Yes, I am.
Steve I don't understand. Why?
What do you mean?... Wait a second. What are we doing? You said cross the line if.
Steve Cross the line if you're going to quit.
Oh... Do it again. I misunderstood.
Steve In other words, you **** us!
Let's not cast stones at one another, my dear. Do you hear me, damn it? Do you?
Steve No, I don't! I told you how to play it!
Oh, bloody hell! You listen here, mate!
Can I interrupt for a second?
Who the blazes is that?
It's me, Ned. Maybe this is nothing, maybe it's something. I don't know what your problems are, I don't know... but I just inherited $275,000. Would that amount make any difference?
Stevesy, what's happenin'? Are those hijackers?
Steve Well, we call them pirates out here, Ned. You were supposed to be on watch, by the way.
Steve, it's way safer for us to just do what they say. They probably just want our money and jewels and shit.
Steve Yeah. Then how am I gonna finish my movie then?
Do you have a vault? They want to know if there's a vault.
Steve There's no vault.
Steve [narrating a scene of a documentary being watched by the pirates]
Our vault contains at least ten different currencies from all over the world at any given moment, and we are prepared for every kind of financial necessity.
Steve [seeing pirates with the vault]
There goes Ned's inheritance.
Steve Ned, how many fingers am I holdin' up?
I don't know. That's not my job. Too many to tell. How many fingers—
Steve He's gonna be just fine.
Steve Look, if you're not against me... don't cross this line. If yes, do. I love you all.
Steve [Klaus steps forward]
Are you sure?
Yes, I am.
Steve I don't understand. Why?
What do you mean? Wait a second. What are we doing? You said cross the line if—
Steve Cross the line if you're going to quit.
Oh. Do it again. I misunderstood.
Steve That was all off the record, cubbie. That whole deal. Actually, I'm surprised you didn't cross the line yourself.
What line?
Steve The line I drew on the deck just now. You weren't up there?
No.
Steve You're kidding. That was one of the most dramatic things that's ever happened on this boat. I just lost all my best interns. I thought you were supposed to be covering this story.
You just said it was all off the record.
Steve Yeah, but you didn't know that.
Steve Wait a second. They stole my budget, my boat's broken, you're ditchin' me up the creek. What am I supposed to do here?
Well, I must say, nothing's jumping to mind. Phillip, any suggestions? No, he's shaking his head.
Steve [to interns]
No. I can't give you full credit, but I'm not gonna flunk you either. You're all getting incompletes.
Intern
This is bullshit.
Oh, shit. What do you want?
Steve Do you mind if I butter you up a little before I answer that question?
Yes, I do. Tell me now.
Steve I need some money to get the boat out of hock and rescue my bond company stooge who got kidnapped. Could we ask your parents to loan it to me?
No.
Steve Okay. Could I go ahead and butter you up anyway? It took me two and a half hours to get out here.
Steve You know I'm not big on apologizing. So I'll just skip it if it's all the same to you.
Okay.
Steve Anyway, I'm sorry.
Steve You were probably right all along. We should've had a kid together. Of course... you were kind of already... on the edge of bein' too old. Unless maybe that's a cop-out.
It's worse than a cop-out. I was thirty-four.
Steve What are you doin' here? I thought all you interns ran out on me.
Intern
I want to help you find that shark.
Steve Goddamn it. Thank ya, intern. You're gettin' an "A."
You don't know me. You never wanted to know me. I'm just a character in your film.
Steve It's a documentary. It's all really happening.
Well, damn you for that.
I'm gonna fight you, Steve.
Steve [Steve hits Ned in the face]
You never say, "I'm gonna fight you, Steve." You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch him.
You fight your way, and I'll fight mine.
Steve Oh, listen, Ned. Don't you try to...
Steve [Ned hits Steve in the face]
I think your Team Zissou ring might've caught me on the lip.
Steve We'll split into two groups. I'll take Ned, Ogata, and Wolodarsky.
Thanks. Thanks a lot for not picking me.
Steve We're in the middle of a lighning strike rescue op, Klaus. What's the deal?
I'm sick of being on "B" squad.
Steve You might be on "B" Squad, But you're the "B" Squad leader. Don't you know me and Esteban always thought of you as our baby brother?
I've always thought of you two as my dads. Please don't let any one make fun of me for saying so.
Steve I can't guarantee that, Klausie, but I'll try. Can we get on with the maneuvers now?
Steve Merci, Cedric. Remind me, we'll send him a red cap and a Speedo.
In twelve years he'll be eleven and a half.
Steve That was my favorite age.
Are we-are we safe in here?
Steve I doubt it.
