Dogma quotes

View Quote Bethany: You know, two days ago I wasn't even sure God existed. Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology.
Rufus: Let me let you in on a little inside info. God hates it when it's referred to as "mythology".

View Quote Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
[sees the female board member] Bartleby: You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you! [Thumbs-up] But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[whispers something in Whitland's ear] Loki: You're his father, you sick ****!
[Whitland starts crying]

View Quote (Loki, having just gunned down the corrupt board members at Mooby corporate HQ, helps the blood-spattered sole survivor to her feet and offers her a stick of gum.)
Loki: Gum? Go on, it's okay. You've done nothing wrong. Those other guys were finks. You're a pure soul. But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed! (he brandishes his gun in her face)
Miss Pryce: Aaagh! (she covers her head.)
Bartleby, (from outside boardroom): Loki!
Loki, (to Ms. Pryce): You're getting off light!
Bartleby: Loki!
Loki: I know, I'm coming. (muttering) You're so lucky.

View Quote (Rufus has recognized the girl at the strip club as the muse Serendipity.)
Rufus: I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Serendipity: Three years this August.
Bethany: Let me guess. The fourteenth apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: Oh, this girl's no woman.
Bethany: Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearing mother****er's got tits!
Serendipity: What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see-- (she stands and hikes up her skirt) --I lack definition.
Jay: (from the other side of the club) Hey! They're gettin' a free show! Lemme' see that shit!
Bethany: Oh, God, another angel like the Metatron.
Serendipity: How do you know Metatron? [to Rufus] How does she know Metatron?
Rufus: This is the last Scion.
Serendipity: You're kidding. Wow!
Bethany: I'm confused.
Rufus: Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. Nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.
Serendipity: I used to be an abstract.
Bethany: Now I'm really confused.
Serendipity: I'm a muse, stupid!

View Quote Serendipity: I used to specialize in entertainment. For example, I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Bethany: Nineteen?
Serendipity: ...Yeah... The one about the kid by himself in his house, burglars are trying to come in and he fights them off? Ah! (she makes a Macaulay Culkin face) I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.

View Quote Serendipity: Why is the last scion here?
Rufus: Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.
Serendipity: Not the plenary indulgence loophole.
Bethany: You know about that?
Serendipity: I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

View Quote (Bartleby and Loki have missed the last bus to New Jersey.)
Bartleby: Nice. Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Loki: Oh, bus, schmuss. Anyway, w-why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?
Bartleby: You mean fly?
Loki: We got wings, right? ****, let's use 'em!
Azrael: I wouldn't suggest that. You see, kids, you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now would you?

View Quote Bartleby: Well, look at this pimp. How'd you get outta Hell?
Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. Look, I don't have long; if they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
Loki: Hey, what's with bringing us in here?
Azrael: You two ****s are inches away from getting caught! Going around killing people, about to un-case your wings? Don't you have any idea what's going on?
Bartleby: Well, we're going home.
Azrael: Oh, really? Are you so clueless as to think that you can just waltz back into Heaven?
Bartleby: Why not?
Azrael: Everybody is looking for you. Both sides, above and below. Orders are to terminate you on sight.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: Why?
Azrael: Because you're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad by succeeding where he's failed so many times.
Bartleby: So they're just gonna kill us?
Azrael: They're gonna try! That's why you have to travel incognito. Tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. [to Loki] Quit killing people. That's high-profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up!
Bartleby: I still can't believe they wanna kill us.
Azrael: Oh, believe it, boys. They've even got the last scion looking for you.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: You're kidding me.
Azrael: This is huge, man. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides. And they'll stop at nothing—-I mean nothing--to prevent it. In the meantime, I suggest that you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
Bartleby: [shaking Azrael's hand] Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
Azrael: Look, I've gotta get back to the pit before they get suspicious. Remember, incognito.

View Quote (Bethany and her group are now on a train. She and Rufus are in their cabin and have a small conversation.)
Bethany: What's He like?
Rufus: He likes to listen to people talk. I remember the old days when we were sittin' around the fire. You know, whenever we were goin' on about unimportant shit, He'd always have a smile on his face. His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out His name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. The big one though, is the factioning of the religions. He said, "Mankind got it all wrong by takin' a good idea and building a belief structure out of it."
Bethany: So you're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I just think it's better to have an idea. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic belief system in this Plenary Indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.

View Quote (After a lot of drinks, Bethany has revealed her "mission")
(Rufus walks into the car.)
Rufus: (still groggy from his nap) Where the hell is everybody? I doze of an-- (he sees Bartleby)
Bartleby: The Apostle!
Rufus: Holy shit!
Bethany: Rufus, I'd like you to meet my new friend Barry.
(Bartleby smashes a beer bottle and holds it up to Bethany's neck.)
Bethany: Oh! (laughs) Don't be such a show off, Barry.
Rufus: Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go, and we can talk about this.
Bethany: Bartleby?!
Bartleby: So Rufus, this is what it comes down to; slaughter by a meat-puppet.
Bethany: Get your ****ing hands off me, you dick-less son-of-a-bitch!
Bartleby: Save it, lady. A minute ago you were aching to top me off. Loki!
Loki: Oh shit, the Apostle!
Jay: [waking up after dozing off] Pete, I didn't **** in you, I swear--
Loki: [to Rufus] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Bartleby: She just told me that she was on a mission to New Jersey to stop two angels.
Loki: Hey, you think they're talking about us?
Bartleby: No, two other ****ing angels! Yeah, it's a pretty good chance! Whaddya say Rufus, you wanna be liquidated?!
Rufus: You haven't thought about the consequences of your re-entry!
Loki: Consequences, schmonsequences!
Bartleby: Guess what, we're goin' home, no matter whose pride it may offend.
Rufus: It's not a matter of pride, stupid!
Bartleby: Loki, kill the girl.
Loki: What are you, high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that.
Bartleby: Then guess what, I'll kill her.
Jay: What the ****'s going on? I fall asleep and everyone moves, these guys are ****ing flat leavers.
Bartleby: Loki, shut his mouth.

View Quote (Bartleby and Loki regroup after encountering Bethany, Rufus, and the "prophets" on a train.)
Loki: The apostle is here!
Bartleby: I noticed!
Loki: Well, then you know who the chick with him was, don't you?
Bartleby: The last Scion, I imagine!
Loki: Shit, man, look, maybe we should rethink this whole thing. I mean, I mean you heard the guy — he said there are "consequences"? And Azrael tells us we're marked? Look, man, there is more to this than we thought about.
Bartleby: I was close, you know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat.
Loki: Whoa.
Bartleby: You know how I felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.
Loki: Are you all right, man? Your eyes are kind of--
Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him--angels and God. Then, He created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine Presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no! We're servants!
Loki: Okay. You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.
Bartleby: Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite ****ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you, once, to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. Where was His infinite ****ing patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think it's time we went home? (a pause) And to do that, I--I think we might have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Loki:Wait. Wait-wait. Kill them? You're talking about the last scion, for Christ's sake. And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were all right.
Bartleby: Don't. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I said I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you ****ing do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morningstar.
Bartleby: You shut your ****ing mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've ****ing lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about ****ing war on God! Well, **** that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin.
(Loki tries to leave; Bartleby catches him by the lapels and slams him into a pillar.)
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.

View Quote (The group is in the woods.)
Bethany:I don't know why we had to leave the train, you threw those guys off.
Rufus: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.

View Quote (Bethany is running through the woods and runs into a lake)
Bethany: (screaming at God) Why?!! What the **** do You want from me?! (she flails her arms in anger in the water) I ****ing hate You!!! (now crying) I hate You.
Metatron: (suddenly standing on the water before her) He can't hear you, you know. That's why we needed you.
Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?
Metatron: Would you... could you, have believed me? It was something you had to come to gradually. Only after everything you've seen, everything you've heard, could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
Bethany: I don't want this... it's too big...
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, not to be able to tell the son Himself, because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form. So... I had to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children- I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son, and that it meant a lifetime of persecution, and eventual crucifixion, at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem. ... He begged to take it all back... as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true', and let me let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power... I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now. I sympathize, I do- I wish I could take it all back... but I can't. This... is who you are.
Bethany: ... Everything I am has been a lie?
Metatron: No, no no, knowing who you are now, doesn't mean you aren't who you were. You are Bethany Sloan! No one can take that away from you, not even God! ... All this means is a redefinition of that identity- the incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just... be this as well, from time to time.
Bethany: [Is finally able to smile a little] I guess this means no more cheating on my taxes?
Metatron: To say the least.

View Quote (Metatron teleported Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob to a restaurant)
Jay: (Referring to his joint) ****, man, I think this shit just kicked it.
Rufus: Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?
(Metatron sits down)
Metatron: Going out in style.
Rufus: The Voice!
Metatron: (Sarcastically) The apostle.
Jay: Now who is this mother****er?
Rufus: It's the Voice of God. Show some respect.
Jay: Oh, the Voice of God? Where's the rest of him?
Metatron: (Referring to God being kidnapped) It's funny you should mention that. We're not sure.

View Quote (Metatron explains when God went missing.)
Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Bethany: Constitutionals?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
Metatron: The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years. He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anybody where he's playing, just goes away for a couple of hours. And from what I understand, he always gives his free points away to the neighborhood children- isn't that sweet?