Dogma quotes

View Quote Bethany: I remember going to church when I was younger and feeling moved. Now I go every Sunday and feel nothing. I don't think I have any faith left.
Liz: Do you remember that seminary student who used to mow my lawn? The one I tried to set you up with?
Bethany: The twenty-year-old. The one I could have babysat for in high school.
Liz: Right. Well, the point is, he told me something. He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill. As you get older, the glass gets bigger. The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. But periodically the glass needs to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled.
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes, in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That sounds a little bit militant. Are you thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Well, then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.

View Quote Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any do****ented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
Bethany: Why doesn't God speak for Himself?
Metatron: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Bethany: Well... how do I know you're an angel?
Metatron: What, you mean aside from the fiery entrance and expansive wingspan?

View Quote Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk, and look what he accomplished- and no one's asking you to build an ark. All you've got to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey?
Metatron: Mmm-hmm. (drinks a shot of tequila and spits it out into an empty glass)
Bethany: That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: (quickly and quietly into his next shot) Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. (takes the shot)
Bethany: Whoa, wait, what?
Metatron: (more clearly) Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus - Negating - All - Existence; I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.

View Quote Bethany: Hey — what's He like?
Metatron: God? ...Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

View Quote [Jay and Silent Bob have just saved Bethany from an attack by Azrael's three roller-blading henchmen.]
Bethany: I don't know what to say, or think, except--
Jay: That you'll offer us sex as a reward?
Bethany: Uh... that I'd like to know who you, and they, are.
Jay: I'm Jay and this is my hetero life-mate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and lunch-box's asses if I hadn't represented.

View Quote [Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob are at a diner]
Jay: So do you have a friend for Silent Bob, or are you gonna do us both? If so, I'm first; I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry; what brought the two of you here?
Jay: Some **** named John Hughes. [Bob looks at Jay with disdain]
Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy too? That ****in' guy; made this flick "Sixteen Candles". Not bad; there's tits in it but no bush, but Ebert [gestures to Bob] over here don't give a shit about that kinda thing since he's all in love with this John Hughes guy. Lines up to go to every one of his ****in' movies. ****in' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. ****in' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but, oh no, she don't 'cause it's a PG movie. And ****in' "Pretty In Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore, 'cause every time the part comes up where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit, and there's nothin' worse than hearin' a ****in' fat man weep.
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois, where the honeys are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies--[Bob gestures to him]--except for Judd Nelson; he was ****ing harsh. But best of all, there's no one dealin', man. Then it hits me, we could live like fat rats if we're the blunt collection in Shermer, Illinois! So we collected some money we were owed, and caught a bus. You know what the **** we found out when we got there? [Bethany shakes her head] There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are ****ing bullshit.

View Quote Bethany: This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but I think I should go with you.
Jay: What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend? All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.
Bethany: No, I want to go with you to New Jersey.
Jay: Really.
Bethany: You're going to lead me somewhere.
Jay: Me, lead you? Look at me, lady! I don't even know where the Hell I am half the time!

View Quote Bethany: I can pay you!
Jay: Pay?
Bethany: A hundred bucks for being my guide. You were going to Jersey anyway. I'm just asking to tag along.
Jay: I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that ****ed-up bar! What about sex?
Bethany: No sex.
Jay: ... All right, well, let's say we're in a situation where we have like five minutes left to live. I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you **** us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? [sighs, rolling her eyes] ...Yeah, sure.

View Quote (Loki is shopping for guns.)
Gun Store Clerk: We call this one the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself.
Loki: It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. It doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this.
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah. I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, **** you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur, that's like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.

View Quote (Bartleby has doubts about Loki's ability to "spot a commandment-breaker".)
Loki: I can spot a commandment breaker from a mile away, bet on it.
Bartleby: This coming from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over which would be the bigger movie: E.T. or Krush Groove?"
Loki: Hey you know what, **** you man, because time will tell on that. What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating? No. Flat-out telling you.

View Quote [Bethany, Jay and Silent Bob inspect the body that fell in front of them.]
Bethany: No heartbeat.
Jay: You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? (to Bethany) You ever see that flick?
[The body starts to move, and the others back away from it.]
Rufus: Oh, did that suck! Con Air, con shit!
Jay: Kill it, kill it!
Rufus: Sounds familiar.
Bethany: Jesus! Are you okay?
Rufus: It's Rufus, and yeah, I'm fine.
Jay: It's the ****ing un-dead! Cut its head off!
Rufus: Hey! What I did just gave me a ****ing migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank ya' sack off like a paper towel!
Bethany: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, was it?
Rufus: Yes, Rufus it is. Usually "Long" Rufus, but it's kinda cold out here, you understand. (to Silent Bob) Hey, Biggie, how 'bout lending me your coat 'til I find my own threads?
Jay: Dude, he fell outta thin air. [Silent Bob complies with Rufus request and removes his jacket.] Dude, his piece will be rubbin' the inside of your armor! Dude!
Rufus: Hey, thanks. I'll do my best to tuck it back.

View Quote Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Christ? You knew Christ?
Rufus: Knew Him? Shit, **** owes me twelve bucks.

View Quote Bethany: How did you know where to find us?
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? Watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

View Quote Bethany: What's your beef with the Bible?
Rufus: Well, for starters, I'm not in it.
Jay: Well, neither are any of us, but you don't hear us bitching and moaning.
Rufus: Yeah, but I'm supposed to be in it. I was the thirteenth apostle.
Bethany (laughing): I've been going to church my whole life, and I've never heard of a thirteenth apostle named Rufus.
Rufus: Yeah, but you've heard of the other twelve apostles. They were all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus. And why is that? 'Cause I'm a black man. But you know what? That's just my pet peeve. I'm mainly here to correct a major error that you people have been basing the faith on.
Bethany: What's that?
Rufus: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.
Jay: I don't buy it.
Bethany: If that's true, then why did He get written about and you were left out?
Rufus: Well, He is the Son of God. Kind of hard to have a New Testament without Him. So, you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity, leaving me out is okay 'cause you still got twelve white boys to choose from.

View Quote Rufus: You know, that's just what the good people of Antioch was saying, right before they stoned my ass.
Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: Well, that's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big ****ing rocks.