Most scenes together: Bethany Sloane & Jay (20), Bethany Sloane & Rufus (18), Loki & Bartleby (15)
Dogma quotes
Page 1 of 12Christ didn't come to earth to give us the willies! He came to help us out. He was a booster.
People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey.
I knew I's gonna whack somebody today! Represent!
Grant Hicks With a papal sanction, the archway entrance of the century-old Jersey shore house of worship will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence — a little-known Catholic belief which offers all that passes through its arches a morally clean slate.
We call this piece the 'Fecalator'. One look at it and the target shits him- or herself. Try it on.
I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.
Silent Bob No ticket.
I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance.
Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Never heard of it.
Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Don't...
Ahh, anybody? No? [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads] Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender... [pulls out an Uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically] Get it?
Sweet Jesus, Azrael, why?
Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Now, now, Apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you. [referring to Bethany]
Are you really that stupid!? You do know what happens if those two jerks enter the church, don't you?
I'm actually counting on it! And the pawns are moving into place as we speak...
We're going home. (holds out a newspaper article) Somebody sent us this in the mail. (he pauses; Loki just gawks at him) Take it, man. And quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you or something.
You did just say we're going home, right?
Read.
"Cardinal Glick cuts ribbon on Catholicism, Wow! campaign." And?
You have to keep reading.
Well, look at this pimp. How'd you get outta Hell?
I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. Look, I don't have long; if they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
Hey, what's with bringing us in here?
You two ****s are inches away from getting caught! Going around killing people, about to un-case your wings? Don't you have any idea what's going on?
Well, we're going home.
Oh, really? Are you so clueless as to think that you can just waltz back into Heaven?
Why not?
Everybody is looking for you. Both sides, above and below. Orders are to terminate you on sight.
Really?
Why?
Because you're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad by succeeding where he's failed so many times.
So they're just gonna kill us?
They're gonna try! That's why you have to travel incognito. Tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. [to Loki] Quit killing people. That's high-profile.
Oh, lighten up!
I still can't believe they wanna kill us.
Oh, believe it, boys. They've even got the last scion looking for you.
Really?
You're kidding me.
This is huge, man. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides. And they'll stop at nothing—-I mean nothing--to prevent it. In the meantime, I suggest that you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
Look, I've gotta get back to the pit before they get suspicious. Remember, incognito.
You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you! [Thumbs-up] But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
You're his father, you sick ****!
[Whitland starts crying]