Dogma quotes

View Quote Jay: Here, it's the guy in charge of the church thing (he hands over a newspaper)
Bethany: Cardinal Glick?
Jay: Maybe we can just ask him to shut down the church. If it's closed that day, uh, those guys can't get blessed or whatever, right?
Metatron: Good Lord. The little stoner's got a point!

View Quote Cardinal Glick: Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country. But if we can let 'em know the Catholic church has a little panache, we can win 'em back - even get some new ones. Excuse me. (he practice-putts a golf ball into an overturned chalice) Fill them pews, people! That's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers...

View Quote Cardinal Glick: So, I assume you're looking to help out in some way.
Bethany: We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.
Cardinal Glick: ...I beg your pardon?
Bethany: There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planned.
Cardinal Glick: (pause) Are you... pro-choice?
Bethany: No, no. The trouble's not from us. It's from these two renegade angels who've been stuck on earth since the plagues — (Rufus nudges her) Um, these guys, they think they're renegade angels.
Rufus: See, Padre, it goes down like this. These guys think that by passing through that archway, they can go straight to Heaven.
Cardinal Glick: You want me to call off the ceremony for that? Who sent you?
Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called "I am"!
Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Listen, kids, play-time with the cardinal is over.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.
Bethany: [to Rufus] Stay out of this.
Cardinal Glick: Let's go.
Bethany: Your Eminence, this isn't a joke
Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of non-involvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: ...All right, mistakes were made, but you can't hold Holy Mother Church responsible for the mistakes of old! Now I'm a very important man with very important business to attend to, so if you please!
Bethany: But tomorrow--
Cardinal Glick: Tomorrow goes off without a hitch! Do I make myself clear? Neither you, nor any other influence short of the hand of God Himself, is gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch!

View Quote Bethany: I see the headlines now, if there were gonna be any headlines. "Existence Erased".
Jay: Don't worry about it. We evened the score. Hand it over, Silent Bob. (Bob pulls a golf club out of his jacket) What up.
Rufus: You stole the cardinal's driver?
Jay: That's what he gets for messin' with our girlfriend. Cross-dressing ****.
Bethany: That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.

View Quote Cardinal Glick: Now, let me tell you a little bit of history about this particular hundred-years-young house of God.
Bartleby (emerging from crowd): God's house? God doesn't live here anymore! He's grown weary of your superficial faith. He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers. He has abandoned you, His favorites, to the whim of judgment. Hypocrites, charlatans, prepare to taste God's wrath!
Loki: Maybe we should just leave.
Bartleby: You wanted your body count, you got it. This crowd is rife with sin. We'll judge them all.
Cardinal Glick: Officer McGhee?
Officer McGhee: All right, mouthpiece, let's leave the nice Cardinal alone and go for a ride.
Bartleby: Mister McGhee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Officer McGhee: Is that so?
(Bartleby snaps McGhee's neck with one hand; the crowd screams and starts to scatter.)
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of violations against our Almighty God. And this very day, I assure you, you will pay for your trespasses, in blood! (to Loki) Wings. Now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed, here.
Bartleby: Do it!

View Quote [Azrael has Bethany and the others captive at a bar]
Bethany: So he's (Azrael) a muse too?
Serendipity: Former muse. [to Azrael in a sing-song voice] He was kicked out!
Azrael: Ever the ****ing apple polisher.
Bethany: So, what happened?
Azrael: Yes, what? Well, Lucifer had to start his little war for the throne; Heaven became divided into two factions: the Faithful and the Renegades. Oh, the ethereal planes were chaotic with battles, angel against angel, and when it was all said and done, God cast the rebels into perdition--
Serendipity: But Azrael refused to fight. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
Jay: What are you? Some kinda ****in' chicken?
Azrael: No .I was an artist, stupid! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle.
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons; something he considers a "grave injustice".
Azrael: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Serendipity: Nope. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from serving his country in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a shmuck!
Azrael: [sourly] Nice.
Bethany: So all of this is about revenge? You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
Azrael: After the first million years? No; the escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So, I studied up on the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself, which it did in Catholicism--Plenary Indulgence--but I couldn't exercise it; demons can't become human. No, we can't tran-substantiate, but angels can.
Bethany: Bartleby and Loki.
Azrael: [he taps his finger to his temple as to indicate that she's figured it out] After that, it was all a matter of waiting for a church to celebrate their bicentennial, and when it did, I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the pit kept them cloaked and off of Heaven's radars, and aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan, not a soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. But, the Almighty could still splooch the whole deal, so I had Him dispatched in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Serendipity: [correcting Azrael] Her. And how? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh, no. I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you think you are to winning. [Serendipity sighs in mock disappointment] The only x-factor was the involvement of the Last Scion here, but fat lotta good that did ya. I mean, here you all are. [he tosses his machine gun to one of the triplets] Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Bethany: Look, asshole. I don't know if anyone's explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence; even you!
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. I'd rather not exist than go back to that, and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it!
Serendipity: [gets out of her seat and pushes Azrael] Still only thinking about yourself; you ****in' child!
Azrael: [calmly speaking and forcefully pushing her back into her seat having one of the triplets guard her] Now ,now, now, things are getting a little hectic in here.

View Quote [Bethany and her group have arrived at the church]
Bethany: Oh my God. [she places her face on Rufus's shoulder]
[The camera pans to show the slaughter of all the people at the church]
Jay: And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor shmogs? [pause] Yeah, but we still exist.
Bethany: Where are they?
Rufus: They could already be in the church.
Serendipity: Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Jay: Are you ****ing kidding me? Homeboy right here's gonna hit 'em with his "Angel, be good" spell, ain'tcha, homie? [looks at Rufus and he rolls his eyes]
Serendipity: If they go in that archway, they come out clean, and if they die, they go straight up, and hello? [knocks on Jay's head] We know what happens then, right?
Jay: Why don't they just kill themselves?
Bethany: It's a mortal sin; you die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They're not tryin' to get to hell.
Jay: Then what the **** are supposed to do? Just wait for a solution to fall outta the ****in' sky? [right then, a body falls out of the sky in front of them, his head exploding on impact and they glance in shock] Friend of yours?
Loki: No, that was a cardinal. [the camera goes to him holding a wine bottle and his wings cut off] You can't tell from his face but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
Jay: It's one of them; kill that mother****er! [he preps the machine gun taken from Azrael, but Bethany and Silent Bob knock it out of his hands]
Bethany: No! Don't you understand; we can't touch him!
Jay: I wasn't gonna touch him; I was gonna shoot his ass!
Loki: [looking up] Yeah, he's been at it for a while. [everyone else looks up to see Bartleby with a bystander in his hands] We-we ran outta parishioners, and so we just started pickin' folk up off the road and just droppin' 'em. This is just eons of repression getting purged. If only He let us just jerk off, y'know? [everybody looks at him with disgust] Oh-j-just take a-take a step back. [the bystander that Bartleby had lands right in front of them and Bethany shrieks then runs toward Loki while the others try to hold her back]
Bethany: N-let me go! [to Loki while pushing him] Why?! What are you trying to prove?! All those people!!
Loki: Hey, this wasn't my idea, all right?! [he pushes her out of the way, then Jay and Bob try to attack him, but Rufus holds them back] Jesus Christ! I just wanted to go home, with him [Bartleby], y'know? But he just lost it! He figured out who you were and what you were gonna have to do; he-h-h-he just snapped! And the funny thing is this guy couldn't stand to see me work! He-h-h-he said he felt sorry for you people. ... Now look at him.
Jay: This guy's ****in' drunker than hell!
Serendipity: Which means he's human now. His wings have been cut off. [she drops his severed wing and approaches him] Loki...Loki...
Loki: [realizing who she is] The muse?! Oh, no way! How long's it be--you look terrific, whoa! Hey, what's with the tits; can I--?
Serendipity: Have you gone through the archway? [Bob helps Bethany up and she asks him again] Tell me, have you gone in and out of the archway yet?!
Bartleby: [ominously] No! [he then descends down in front of the church]
Loki: Uup, he's back. [Loki then walks away]
[Everybody then looks up at him while he descends from the sky and finally lands in front of the church archway.]
Bartleby: We were awaiting your arrival.
Serendipity: Bartleby, look, listen to me; Azrael was just using you! If you go through--[Bartleby then slaps her down to the ground]
Bartleby: I've become aware of the repercussions, muse. I know what I'm doing.
Bethany: [running up to him and pushing him] You sick twisted ****!
Bartleby: [grabbing Bethany and holding his knife to her neck] Bethany. [Jay and Bob try to go for him, but Rufus holds them back] You of all people should know what I'm trying to accomplish here. You too know what it's like to be cast aside. You've dealt with the pain for a few years. I've dealt with it for a millenia. So, even though you can't see your ex-husband, or how blissful he is with his new wife--[pause] --and he is, [Jay and Bob again try to go for him with Rufus holding them back] I've seen you people everyday being a constant reminder that though, my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And while you know forgiveness, we only know regret. [turning her around to face him] The lesson must be taught. All are accountable, even God! [he pushes her to Jay, Bob and Rufus] Soon, a cadre of police will be here to execute us while we exit the church, and then this failed experiment called "existence" will cease to be.

View Quote Bartleby: [as he stabs Loki] I'm sorry my friend, but you lost the faith.

View Quote Bethany: Oh,my God, he's lost it! We're ****ed, we're absolutely ****ed!
Jay (grinning): I hear that shit.
Bethany: I can't believe this shit. We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still nowhere to be found. What the **** kind of deity gets kidnapped?
Jay: Amen to that. (he pulls off his pants)
Bethany: What the hell are you doing?!
Jay: We got about five minutes left to live, the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd **** me.
Bethany: You're a pig.
Jay: Oh, what? Nobody's gonna beat that thing! Now we can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.
Bethany: What did you say?
Jay: "Make with the love". It's a nice way of saying "boning".
Bethany: No, about John Doe Jersey!

View Quote Bethany: Whatever you do, stall Bartleby from going into that church! Bob, come with me. Come on!
Jay: How am I supposed to do that?
Bethany: Think of something!
Jay: I already did, but it takes two of us!

View Quote Rufus: (to Jay and Bob) And if you clean up your language, I might just put in a good word for you two.
Silent Bob: Thanks!

View Quote How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass.