Most-quoted character in Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (2011): in 33 of its 42 quotes
Most scenes with: Susan Heffley (17), Rodrick Heffley (15), Rowley (12)
Greg Seventh grader. Sounds a lot better than sixth grader.
This is a "Greg thing." I don't see why I had to come.
Because, Rodrick, this is a family event, and like it or not, you're part of the Heffley family.
Yeah. That and we already paid for your ticket.
Excuse me.
Greg What?
I said, "Excuse me". You're blocking the exit.
Greg Oh, uh, [laughing] sorry.
That's okay.
Greg I'm going in. [to Rowley] Cover me!
All rockers and hardcore skaters off the rink, unless you're lookin' for love. It's time for Couples Skate!
Greg I'm making my move. [prepares to tap Holly on the shoulder]
STOP!!!! [The music stops; Greg turns around] Enough of that total lameness! Who's ready to ROCK?! Yeah! [plays the intro to "Cut Throat" by Kittie]
Come on, let's get outta here. Come on. [she and her friends exit the rink]
What're we gonna do?!
Greg Stay calm. All we have to do is just stay here.
Greg Rowley! Hang on!
GREG HEFFLEY! This is your mother! Everything is going to be okay. Stay where you are, and your father is going to come rescue you. I repeat, everything is going to be okay. Okay, here he comes. Here comes Frank. I see him. He's on his way. Okay.
Greg Dad!
I know, I know.
Okay. Alright. Everyone, go back to skating!
Greg Yeah.
Greg WHOOOA!!!!
You ruined my birthday! You jerk!
Greg It's unbelievable. Even at school, Rodrick is ruining my life.
Shh. [whispers, pointing to Rodrick who is sleeping on the couch] He might hear you.
Greg Nah! Watch.
Greg He once slept through an entire day.
This is huge, I've gotta call the band. W-We've gotta practice. THIS COULD BE OUR BIG BREAK!!!
Ah, ah, ah, wait a second. Aren't you forgetting something?
What? I showered yesterday. Smell.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. We agreed that you'd give a drum lesson to Greg.
Greg You were serious?
Who knows? Maybe you guys will really like it and we can form a family band. [gasps]
Hello, world. Here's a song that we're singin'. Come on, get happy! A whole lot of loving is what we'll be bringin'. We'll make you happy!
Greg WHAT?!!
Hey! A cookie.
Greg Manny, what have you done?
I'm onwy thwee.
Greg Nothing, he ruined my video game.
No, I didn't.
No, he didn't. He's only three.
I'm onwy thwee.
[Manny pokes his tongue out at Greg as Susan takes him away]
Greg Why? What are you doing here?
Mom said she'd pay "Mom Bucks" if I drove you home from school. [he and his friend laugh and high-five]
Greg We'd rather walk.
Get in. Now! [gets out and opens the back door for Greg and Rowley. Greg immediately notices that the back seats are gone]
Greg What happened to the seats?
: Oh, I needed the room for my new equipment.
Greg How'd you have the money for that?
Oh, you know..."Mom Bucks". [shuts the door]
Greg There's no way. You only earned like... five.
WHHHHHOOOOOOA!!! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!!!!!!!!
Greg It looks fake. It has to look real.
But how do I fake it if I'm actually falling backwards?
Greg Maybe you need a gimmick so people notice you. Oh. [gives Rowley a pair of underwear] Wear this on your head. [Rowley puts his underwear on his head] Now do it again.
Why can't you be the one that falls backwards in the chair?
Greg Because. I'm not the one wearing the underwear on my head.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDPA!!
Next year, I want a chocolate cake!
Greg That is if you're alive next year.
Greg Honesty, Mom!
Poopy.
Oh, Greg! It looks like he has a candy bar on there.
Greg MANNY!
POOP! HE'S POOPED HIS PANTS!
Greg No, it isn't what it looks like! It isn't! It's chocolate! Chocolate, see? [eats a bit of it, then everyone in the church gets grossed out, so humiliated; Rodrick laughs] Hyah! [lunges at Rodrick as they have a scuffle on the floor]
Well, you brought this on yourselves. You can kiss Rockin' Rapids good-bye. You two will stay here together all weekend and work out your differences. And if you don't, I will... and trust me, you don't want any part of that. Do you understand?
Yes.
Greg Yes.
Greg Rodrick, help! The door's closed!
Yeah and it's staying closed. I don't need a middle schooler ruining my party.
Greg What? I thought it was our party.
It's my party. Now keep quiet or I'll lock you in the dryer!
Greg RODRICK!!!
Okay. Everything's cool here, right, Greg?
Greg Yeah, Mom, and I have your number if I need you.
Listen up. If you do anything that embarrasses me, ANYTHING at all, I will-
Greg You will what?
Just, stay out of my way... nerds.
Greg Moly! [gets up from the sofa and he and brother look around the messy house; to Rodrick] You are in so much trouble.
Me? You lied to Mom just as much as I did, and you know how she feels about lying. She’s gonna kill both of us!
Greg You do the living room, I’ll start the kitchen, go!
Greg For the next 10 years?
Listen to me. No matter what they ask you, no matter how hard they push, deny, deny, deny; even if they figure it out, never ever admit to anything. Deny, deny, deny. Got it?
Greg Got it. Deny, deny, deny.
Greg Don't you understand? Rodrick isn't beating me up anymore.
But how are they not going to notice that the lock's gone?
Greg Please. They're like, 40.
Greg, is there something you want to say to Rowley and his father?
Greg I'm sorry for choosing an inappropriate movie for the sleepover. At least nobody got hurt this time.
I'm a little birdy! I'm a little birdy! (falls of the bed and injures himself) My Kneebone!
Greg What?
Mommy! Look!
Mommy is looking. Mommy's looked a thousand times. Mommy just needs to go to the potty for one minute, okay?
Greg No! NO!
Greg IT WAS RODRICK! HE MADE ME! IT WAS HIS IDEA! He had the party! Someone wrote on the door, so we had to change it!
I knew it. I knew it. [starts to leave the room]
Greg No, Mom, wait! I was exaggerating a little bit. It wasn’t a party. It was a band rehearsal for the talent show. That’s all it was.
We said nobody could come over. He knew the rules.
What's going on?
Greg Heffley [shows note] is passing me notes.
Greg No, I wasn't!
Oh my God.
That's not me.
That's not you?
Nope.
Okay. How 'bout these? [scrolls through his camera showing more photos of Rodrick's house party; Susan is shocked and horrified as she puts her hand over her heart; then sets the camera down as it stops on the last photo of Greg and Rowley; angrily to Rodrick] I can't believe that you had a PARTY!
Greg, you told me it was a couple of kids, a band rehearsal!
Wait, Susan, you knew about this?
Yes. Yes, I knew.
I knew they had a party!
Greg It slipped out, but I took it back!
My instincts told me you weren't being honest! I should've trusted my instincts!
Wait! You knew about this, but you didn't tell me about it?
Greg I still protected you! I threw Mom off your scent!
Great job. She has no idea!
We are supposed to be a team against them!
They were getting along so well I let it blind me to the truth!
Why were you taking pictures?!
Greg It was so crazy that morning, I forgot we took the pictures.
So I let it slide. And I am so sorry. Oh, God. It feels so good to get that out. [points to the bathroom door] I haven't been able to look at that bathroom door for 2 weeks!
I knew that door had a lock on it! And everybody was trying to make me feel like I was losing my mind!
We’re- We’re just gonna let ourselves out. I wouldn’t wanna write a column about this. [closes the door]
I'm going upstairs. To a bathroom that has a lock on it, and no one can tell me that it doesn't. [walks away]
I have to go talk to your father. [sighs] I will deal with you boys, later. [walks off]
Greg Rodrick, I really didn't tell her! I mean maybe, sort of, but I made a deal with her and we had a really good time and...
You're my brother. But you'll never be my friend. [walks upstairs]
Greg Things have never been worse. Our parents are super mad at us, so we have to spend the weekend at my Grandpa's boring retirement community. Holly Hills thinks I'm Fregley, and my relationship with Rodrick is at an all-time low. So, he's made it his mission to ruin my life. [walks with Rodrick and their grandfather towards his retirement hotel room, Rodrick kicks him from behind him, still sore about his punishment, angrily turns to Rodrick] Quit it!
Greg Grandpa doesn't like TV. Instead, he prefers to watch the lobby on the security channel.
I should be rehearsing right now.
Greg Please, Grandpa. Please, can we watch a real TV show now?
TV is just a bunch of fakers. This is real life.
Scotty! Come on! [Scotty locks himself into the bathroom] Scotty, come on! You don't wanna let the magic fans down, do you?
Go away!
Rowley, what's wrong?
My assistant, Scotty, got stage fright. Now he doesn't want to do the show.
Maybe Greg would help out. He can be your assistant. What? No way.
What? Rowley is your best friend. This is important to him. You need to do this.
It's okay, Mrs. Heffley. Greg is just afraid that Holly Hills will think less of him.
Greg Rowley. [turns to Susan] Mom, can we talk in private?
Sure.
Your performance was pathetic, Greg Heffley! Only a moron would find humor in bird poop! [bird poops on Patty's hair] You stupid bird! [storms off furiously]
Greg The unitard or the performance?
Both.
Now get out, doofus.
Greg Okay. Later...butt-brain!
Exploded Diper! All over the place! Exploded Diper!
Greg Okay, there! It's uploaded.
In your face! Exploded Diper!
Holy cow!
Greg This is huge! We're an internet sensation!
Greg Who is that?
Her name is Holly Hills. She just moved here.
Greg What grade is she in?
Seventh. She's an all-star soccer player, has done professional modeling, and was her sixth grade class president. She moved here from Oregon because her father got a big promotion. They drive a hybrid SUV, live on the north side of town in a cul-de-sac near the park. [Greg and Rowley look at him, confused] What? I googled her. She's a picture of loveliness, is she not?
She's almost as pretty as my mom.
She's going to be very popular.
Greg, look who's in our class. [points to Holly]
Greg This was my chance. If I could sit next to Holly, I'd have the whole year to show her how great I am.
Greg No, it's not. I was here first.
Greg Let go!
You know I'm stronger than you, Greg Heffley.
Greg What?!
Hey! A cookie.
Greg Manny, what have you done?
I'm only 3.
Greg Nothing, he ruined my video game.
No, I didn't.
No, he didn't. He's only three.
I'm only 3. [pokes his tongue out at Greg as Susan takes him away]
Okay, let's go, sweetie. You want another cookie?
Greg It's so unfair. I have Rodrick making my life a misery on one side, and Manny attacking me from the other. And I'm the only one who seems to get blamed for anything. Wonder what it'd be like to have a family that actually loves me.
Hey, Rodrick, could you come here, please? What happened to the lock?
Uhh… I don't know what you're talking about.
There was a lock on this door.
Um… [laughs] I don't think so.
Rodrick, I've lived in this house for 10 years. I've locked that door 10,000 times because sometimes it's my only moment of privacy of the day. I know there was a lock on that door.
There wasn't. Trust me. Greg has walked in on me, like, a million times, and if there was a lock, I would use it. In fact, maybe you should put one on.
So that's your story. There was never a lock, and you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Yes.
Fine. I'll just go ask your brother the same thing. [walks away, goes upstairs, and enters Greg's room; sternly] Greg, two words. Bathroom. Door.
Greg IT WAS RODRICK! HE MADE ME! IT WAS HIS IDEA! He had the party! Someone wrote on the door, so we had to change it!
I knew it. I knew it. [starts to leave the room]
Greg No, Mom, wait! I was exaggerating a little bit. It wasn't a party. It was a band rehearsal for the talent show. That's all it was.
We said nobody could come over. He knew the rules.
Greg Yeah, but, Mom, if you punish him, Rodrick's gonna know I told on him. We really had a good time this weekend. But, if you do this, Rodrick and I will never ever be friends again.
In conclusion, without last century's technological advances, there'd be no computers, cell phones, or modern medical miracles. And so for that, we salute and thank our ancestors from 100 years ago.
Thank you, Holly. That was excellent work. Now I think we have time for one more. I have to say that when I read this paper, [takes out Greg's assignment binder] I was a bit surprised by its content. But more than any other, this one deserves to be read out loud. [lowers the binder to Greg] Greg?
Just read it, Greg. All of it.
Greg "Sometimes I sit and wonder about stuff I do not know, like, what the earth was like a hundred years ago. Did cavemen ride on dinosaurs? Did flowers even grow? Did spiders rule the earth? Were deserts filled with snow? There were no books or humans, so how are we to know what the earth was like a hundred years ago?"
Greg Okay. The note was a minor setback, but at least things are still going well with Rodrick. It's amazing but I'm actually enjoying watching Loded Diper rehearse for the talent show. Bill's taken the band to a whole new level.
Somebody farted.
I got one. I got one. I got a good one. I got a good one. [speaks into the microphone; echoing] Somebody farted.
Greg My dad should be happy that I'm hanging out with Rodrick. But I don't think he really likes Bill. I think what he's worried about is I'll turn out like Rodrick, Manny'll turn out like me, and eventually, we'll all turn out like Bill.
Greg Mom, you need to let Rodrick play in the talent show tonight.
Greg His band is playing without him, and it's not fair.
Greg Mom.
Yes?
Greg You let Rodrick play in the talent show, l'll...[cringes a bit]...do the magic thing with Rowley.
Really? You'd do that? You'll be Rowley's partner, even though you said it's totally embarrassing and humiliating? You're willing to do that just so your brother can play?
Greg Yes.
Come here. [Susan hugs him]
Greg I mean, how bad can it be?
