Rodrick Heffley [running with Greg's diary]
"I can't believe my luck! I finally have Holly all to myself without Chirag, or anyone else!"
Tied for 2nd most-quoted character in Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules (2011): in 21 of its 42 quotes
Most scenes with: Greg (15), Susan Heffley (9), Rowley (4)
This "Mom Bucks" thing is a gold mine. Better not ruin it for me.
More lines from Rodrick Heffley
1 quote Rodrick Heffley Scenes with Rodrick Heffley
19 scenes
[The Heffley family in their cartoon drawings pull up in their car in the Rocket Rollers Roller Rink's parking lot] [steps out, looks up at the sign]
Seventh grader. Sounds a lot better than sixth grader.
Rodrick [steps out of the car and closes the door; sighs]
This is a "Greg thing." I don't see why I had to come.
Because, Rodrick, this is a family event, and like it or not, you're part of the Heffley family.
Yeah. That and we already paid for your ticket.
Rodrick Hey, Greg. Can you break a leg or something so we can leave?
Rodrick [Greg laughs and sighs. Rodrick realizes Greg is staring at Holly Hills]
Oh. [laughs] That'll never happen. Not a chance. There's no way that girl will EVER talk to you.
Bill [Greg scooches towards Holly; Just then, the lights dim, and "Always" by Atlantic Starr begins playing] [over P.A.]
All rockers and hardcore skaters off the rink, unless you're lookin' for love. It's time for Couples Skate!
I'm making my move. [prepares to tap Holly on the shoulder]
Bill [over P.A.]
STOP!!!! [The music stops; Greg turns around] Enough of that total lameness! Who's ready to ROCK?! Yeah! [plays the intro to "Cut Throat" by Kittie]
Rodrick [makes the "Double Horns" sign with both hands]
Whoo!
[Greg stares at Rodrick in disbelief. Rodrick smiles evilly]
Come on, let's get outta here. Come on. [she and her friends exit the rink]
[A crowd of violent teenagers enter the rink. They brutally bump into others knocking them over] [panicking]
What're we gonna do?!
Stay calm. All we have to do is just stay here.
[Greg tries to rescue Rowley, but another teenager knocks him flat on his face. As Greg picks himself up, the sound of a record scratching is heard and the music comes to an abrupt stop] [over P.A.]
GREG HEFFLEY! This is your mother! Everything is going to be okay. Stay where you are, and your father is going to come rescue you. I repeat, everything is going to be okay. Okay, here he comes. Here comes Frank. I see him. He's on his way. Okay.
I know, I know.
[Holly's friends giggle, but Holly isn't amused] [over P.A.]
Okay. Alright. Everyone, go back to skating!
Yeah.
Rodrick [Rodrick approaches]
Hey, Romeo. How'd it go with the new girl?
Taylor [Greg lands onto Taylor's birthday cake. Rodrick laughs. Greg picks himself up off the smashed cake, his face covered in frosting] [lividly; to Greg]
You ruined my birthday! You jerk!
Hey Greg, maybe we should-
Rodrick CAN IT, CHUNKY CHEESE!!!
Rodrick This is huge, I've gotta call the band. W-We've gotta practice. THIS COULD BE OUR BIG BREAK!!!
Ah, ah, ah, wait a second. Aren't you forgetting something?
Rodrick What? I showered yesterday. Smell.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. We agreed that you'd give a drum lesson to Greg.
You were serious?
Who knows? Maybe you guys will really like it and we can form a family band. [gasps]
Recorded music
[The whole scene shifts over to the entire Heffley family, wearing matching outfits and performing with musical instruments] [song: "Get Happy"]
Hello, world. Here's a song that we're singin'. Come on, get happy! A whole lot of loving is what we'll be bringin'. We'll make you happy!
Rodrick [Rodrick pulls up in front of Greg and Rowley in his van]
Get in.
Why? What are you doing here?
Rodrick Mom said she'd pay "Mom Bucks" if I drove you home from school. [he and his friend laugh and high-five]
We'd rather walk.
Rodrick Get in. Now! [gets out and opens the back door for Greg and Rowley. Greg immediately notices that the back seats are gone]
What happened to the seats?
Rodrick : Oh, I needed the room for my new equipment.
Rodrick Oh, you know..."Mom Bucks". [shuts the door]
There's no way. You only earned like... five.
Greg and Rowley
[As Greg and Rowley sit down on the floor, Rodrick starts the van and floors it] [screaming]
WHHHHHOOOOOOA!!! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!!!!!!!!
Well, you brought this on yourselves. You can kiss Rockin' Rapids good-bye. You two will stay here together all weekend and work out your differences. And if you don't, I will... and trust me, you don't want any part of that. Do you understand?
Rodrick Yes.
Yes.
Rodrick, help! The door's closed!
Rodrick Yeah and it's staying closed. I don't need a middle schooler ruining my party.
What? I thought it was our party.
Rodrick It's my party. Now keep quiet or I'll lock you in the dryer!
RODRICK!!!
Rodrick [mockingly]
Greg!!
Rodrick Okay. Everything's cool here, right, Greg?
Yeah, Mom, and I have your number if I need you.
Rodrick [whispering angrily to the boys]
Listen up. If you do anything that embarrasses me, ANYTHING at all, I will-
You will what?
Rodrick Just, stay out of my way... nerds.
Rodrick [to Greg and Rowley about to pick up the phone]
REMINDER! You can't call if you're dead.
Rodrick [Greg and Rodrick wake up, horrified]
Holy...
Moly! [gets up from the sofa and he and brother look around the messy house; to Rodrick] You are in so much trouble.
Rodrick [A cartoon drawing shows Frank and Susan standing in front of Rodrick’s grave]
Me? You lied to Mom just as much as I did, and you know how she feels about lying. She’s gonna kill both of us!
[Another drawing shows Greg’s grave lying next to Rodrick’s and a vulture lands on the headstone]
You do the living room, I’ll start the kitchen, go!
Rodrick [whispering]
We've got to keep them away from the bathroom.
For the next 10 years?
Rodrick Listen to me. No matter what they ask you, no matter how hard they push, deny, deny, deny; even if they figure it out, never ever admit to anything. Deny, deny, deny. Got it?
Got it. Deny, deny, deny.
Don't you understand? Rodrick isn't beating me up anymore.
But how are they not going to notice that the lock's gone?
Please. They're like, 40.
[Frank turns on the camera and the TV screen shows a photo of Rodrick pouring soda in a cup fountain with his party friends watching and is surprised]
Oh my God.
Rodrick That's not me.
That's not you?
Rodrick Nope.
Okay. How 'bout these? [scrolls through his camera showing more photos of Rodrick's house party; Susan is shocked and horrified as she puts her hand over her heart; then sets the camera down as it stops on the last photo of Greg and Rowley; angrily to Rodrick] I can't believe that you had a PARTY!
Greg, you told me it was a couple of kids, a band rehearsal!
Wait, Susan, you knew about this?
Yes. Yes, I knew.
Rodrick [shocked, to Greg]
Wha...? You told Mom?!
I knew they had a party!
It slipped out, but I took it back!
My instincts told me you weren't being honest! I should've trusted my instincts!
Wait! You knew about this, but you didn't tell me about it?
I still protected you! I threw Mom off your scent!
Rodrick Great job. She has no idea!
We are supposed to be a team against them!
They were getting along so well I let it blind me to the truth!
Rodrick Why were you taking pictures?!
It was so crazy that morning, I forgot we took the pictures.
So I let it slide. And I am so sorry. Oh, God. It feels so good to get that out. [points to the bathroom door] I haven't been able to look at that bathroom door for 2 weeks!
I knew that door had a lock on it! And everybody was trying to make me feel like I was losing my mind!
Mr. Salz [Mr. Salz & Mrs. Kohan walk to the front door, about to leave]
We’re- We’re just gonna let ourselves out. I wouldn’t wanna write a column about this. [closes the door]
I'm going upstairs. To a bathroom that has a lock on it, and no one can tell me that it doesn't. [walks away]
[to her sons]
I have to go talk to your father. [sighs] I will deal with you boys, later. [walks off]
Rodrick, I really didn't tell her! I mean maybe, sort of, but I made a deal with her and we had a really good time and...
Rodrick You're my brother. But you'll never be my friend. [walks upstairs]
[Frank and Susan wait unhappily in the hallway as Greg and Rodrick slowly come down the stairs]
Your father I have talked, and we've decided on your punishment.
Greg, you're grounded for two weeks. Also, no video games for two weeks.
Rodrick, you may only drive to and from school for the next month. As the ringleader, you are also grounded for a month.
Rodrick Mom, I'm sorry, and I won't do it again.
I know you won't. And to make sure, we're also not allowing you to perform in the talent show.
Rodrick [shocked]
What? No. No, you can't do that, ground me for a year, I don't care, but you have to let me play in that show! This could be my big break.
I'm sorry.
Rodrick [upset]
Dad, come on, this isn't fair. I just got Bill in the band!
Actually, Rodrick, that doesn't help your case. Bill's kind of a jerk.
Rodrick [Greg looks silently at Rodrick; upset with his punishment, goes upstairs, and Greg follows along] [whispers to Greg]
You are so dead.
[The Leisure Village Retirement Community, Frank pulls up in front of the entrance, leaving Greg and Rodrick there, where their grandfather comes to see them, mostly Greg] [narrating]
Things have never been worse. Our parents are super mad at us, so we have to spend the weekend at my Grandpa's boring retirement community. Holly Hills thinks I'm Fregley, and my relationship with Rodrick is at an all-time low. So, he's made it his mission to ruin my life. [walks with Rodrick and their grandfather towards his retirement hotel room, Rodrick kicks him from behind him, still sore about his punishment, angrily turns to Rodrick] Quit it!
Rodrick [annoyed]
Why don't you tell Mom? You're good at that.
[narrating]
Grandpa doesn't like TV. Instead, he prefers to watch the lobby on the security channel.
Rodrick I should be rehearsing right now.
Please, Grandpa. Please, can we watch a real TV show now?
Grandpa TV is just a bunch of fakers. This is real life.
Rodrick Now get out, doofus.
Okay. Later...butt-brain!
All
[Last lines] [singing]
Exploded Diper! All over the place! Exploded Diper!
Okay, there! It's uploaded.
All
[singing]
In your face! Exploded Diper!
Holy cow!
This is huge! We're an internet sensation!
Rodrick [furiously, off-screen]
GREG, YOU ARE SO DEAD!!
[Susan questions Rodrick about the missing lock on the bathroom door]
Hey, Rodrick, could you come here, please? What happened to the lock?
Rodrick Uhh… I don't know what you're talking about.
There was a lock on this door.
Rodrick Um… [laughs] I don't think so.
Rodrick, I've lived in this house for 10 years. I've locked that door 10,000 times because sometimes it's my only moment of privacy of the day. I know there was a lock on that door.
Rodrick There wasn't. Trust me. Greg has walked in on me, like, a million times, and if there was a lock, I would use it. In fact, maybe you should put one on.
So that's your story. There was never a lock, and you have no idea what I'm talking about.
Rodrick Yes.
Fine. I'll just go ask your brother the same thing. [walks away, goes upstairs, and enters Greg's room; sternly] Greg, two words. Bathroom. Door.
[Greg anxiously hesitates to reply; Susan gives him a "Well?" look on her face] [bursting out]
IT WAS RODRICK! HE MADE ME! IT WAS HIS IDEA! He had the party! Someone wrote on the door, so we had to change it!
I knew it. I knew it. [starts to leave the room]
[gets up from his desk and runs to the door and closes it]
No, Mom, wait! I was exaggerating a little bit. It wasn't a party. It was a band rehearsal for the talent show. That's all it was.
We said nobody could come over. He knew the rules.
Yeah, but, Mom, if you punish him, Rodrick's gonna know I told on him. We really had a good time this weekend. But, if you do this, Rodrick and I will never ever be friends again.
[narrating]
Okay. The note was a minor setback, but at least things are still going well with Rodrick. It's amazing but I'm actually enjoying watching Loded Diper rehearse for the talent show. Bill's taken the band to a whole new level.
Bill [speaks into the microphone; echoing]
Somebody farted.
Rodrick [Rodrick's bandmates and Greg laugh as Frank peeks in through the door]
I got one. I got one. I got a good one. I got a good one. [speaks into the microphone; echoing] Somebody farted.
[laughs and turns at his father; narrating]
My dad should be happy that I'm hanging out with Rodrick. But I don't think he really likes Bill. I think what he's worried about is I'll turn out like Rodrick, Manny'll turn out like me, and eventually, we'll all turn out like Bill.
