Wade Wilson / Deadpool [narrating after mumbling the Marvel Studios fanfare.]
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! That logo music just gets you pumped! Right? I'm sorry, I'm just-- I'm excited to be here. It's been a while. You know, for a long time, I wasn't sure I'd ever be back. Disney bought Fox, there was a whole boring rights issue, blahbiddie-blahbiddie-blah. But then it turned out they wanted me! The one guy who shouldn't even have his own movie, much less a franchise. Marvel's so stupid! Look, we know the title of this thing, so I know what you're wondering: How are we gonna do this without dishonoring Logans memory? And I'll tell you how: We're not.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool [wearing his new suit]
**** A! Ugh, it's perfect! FYI, your tailor is a predator, but I love it! Snug, no camel toe, new car smell, and adamantium katanas?? You shouldn't have! Go ahead, take it in. And yes, your underwear is getting tighter. [Points to a TVA employee] That guy knows what I'm talking about. His clothes say, "middle manager", but his eyes say, "****y, ****y!"
Wade I-- I care. I know I turn everything into a joke, but I care and I wanna use that feeling for something important. I-- I wanna matter. And to show my girl that I matter, and, um... Y'know, I feel like I'm wasting the good stuff here. Is the man not gonna be joining us?
HH Happy Hogan
"The man"?
Wade Yeah. I should save this if he's gonna...
H Happy
As far as you're concerned right now, I'm the man.
Wade No.
H Happy
The man is me. I am the man in this... circumstance. Eh, besi-- He doesn't do this kind of thing anymore.
Wade Cameos?
P Peter
We're human beings, we crave purpose. After all, we're Deadpool!
Wade Please stop saying that; we're not Deadpool. I'm not even Deadpool anymore.
P Peter
Well, if you're gonna have a mid-life crisis, go big! A few years ago, a friend of mine got his nipples pierced with a titanium chain that goes down and attaches to his Van Johnson.
Wade Birthdays -- boy, uh, every spin around the moon is a new adventure indeed.
Wade Okay, round-earther! Where was I?
C Colossus
The adventure of life.
Wade Right, um... it's been a challenging few years. Been through a lot -- a change of life.
Wade Bitch, are you improv-ing?
Wade I'm sorry that you had to see that, Yukio.
Wade Yeah... But I'm happy. And, you know, that's be-- that's... because of each and every one of you. I guess what I'm trying to say is, how proud I am, how grateful I am to be standing in a room with every single person I love. I'm the luckiest man alive.
Deadpool [Deadpool impaled two Minutemen in their crotches with Wolverine's claws.]
Sorry! Wolverine-ing is hard!
M Minuteman
Make it stop!
Deadpool Mangold tried!
ML Minuteman Leader
You sick ****! Logan was a hero, and the only thing worth a shit to ever come out of Canada!
Deadpool [Deadpool removes the skeleton's claws out of the crippled Minutemen. Then, he throws his katana in the ground, as it bounces straight to the leader's mouth, killing him]
Get my country's name out of your **** mouth. And my sword. Gimme that.
Deadpool Oh, yes. Yes. Classic John Byrne brown and tan. Now, you fought the Hulk in this outfit, no?
Deadpool [The Wolverine variant unsheathes his claws and Hulk can be seen roaring through the reflection of his claws. Deadpool turns to see Hulk is right behind him.]
I'm Marvel Jesus, you dull creature, and I will not--
[Hulk smashes Deadpool through a fallen tree.]
Deadpool You know, from behind, you look a little bit like Henry... [The Wolverine variant turns to reveal that he's played by Henry Cavill] OH MY ****! The Cavillrine. The legends are true. And may I say, sir, on behalf of all humanity, this just feels right! We will treat you so much better than those shit****s down the street!
C Cavillrine
You were just leaving.
Deadpool No, sir! Not while the fate of my universe is at--
[Cavillrine unsheathes his claws by reloading his fists, then Superman punching him through a wall.]
Deadpool [SNIKT! Wolverine's claws slowly emerge. Too slowly.]
Oh. Whiskey dick of the claws. It's quite common in Wolverines over forty.
Deadpool You're right, I don't. And unless you wanna take a deep breath through your ****in' forehead, I suggest you reconsider. Let's go, peanut.
Deadpool One anchor being coming right up! On your left, babygirl! This Logan is the same -- he can do anything, even musicals, look! And bonus: He's actually wearing a costume like he's not embarrassed to be in a superhero movie for once.
Deadpool You said my universe is dying because this sack of nuts got himself killed. Well, problem solved.
My God. You think you can actually replace an anchor being? With this?! I wouldn't have accepted any other Wolverine, bee-tee-dubs, but you have outdone yourself and brought me the WORST Wolverine!
Deadpool What do you mean, the worst one?
Mr. Wilson... this Wolverine let down his entire world. He's the stuff of legend, but not in a good way. And what he did... Well, some things are just beyond forgiveness.
Deadpool Were you even listening back there?! We don't make it back to that Mr. Paradox asshole, everyone I ****in' know is gonna die.
Deadpool Oh, is that all you got? Is that what you said when your world went to shit?!
Deadpool Yeah, I heard all about you -- how you screwed up everything? You should be thanking me for pulling me out of that bed you shit in.
MV Mysterious variant
Hey! We fight each other, we lose.
Deadpool Dear God, it's him.
Deadpool The one. The superhero equivalent to comfort food, or molly. A white guy's answer to all the disappointments, and another A-Lister. [to the mysterious variant] Fair warning, gorgeous: You're gonna encounter some indelicate language, a smidge of assplay, but we've been prohibited from using cocaine. On camera.
MV Mysterious variant
They're coming.
Deadpool Who's "they?" [sees a group of variants in vehicles approaching] Oh they're driving angry.
Deadpool [The mysterious variant jumps off the metal rails and lands dramatically next to Deadpool]
Now THAT'S a superhero landing!
MV Mysterious variant
I got this. [takes off his hood and reveals he is played by Chris Evans]
MV Mysterious variant
Stay close.
Deadpool Aye aye, Captain. You got this.
Cassandra is gonna be giddy when she sees what we caught. You can't run. Everybody knows that.
MV Mysterious variant
You see anyone running, dick-for-brains? [Deadpool looks at him in surprise] You're not gonna love what happens next.
Deadpool Oh my God. Oh my God. He's gonna say it! Oh my God, he's gonna say it!
Deadpool AVENGERS...
MV Mysterious variant
FLAME ON!
Deadpool I'm sorry, what now?
[The mysterious variant ignites, transforming into The Human Torch, flies into the sky and attacks Pyro with his flames, but Pyro drains all the fire from him, causing him to plummet, smash his crotch on metal rails, and then fall headfirst into the ground.]
We don't know that guy.
Deadpool We thought we did.
S Sabretooth
Ready to die?!
Deadpool [Both Sabretooth and Wolverine unleash their claws]
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time! [to Logan, who has two katanas impaled through his chest and back, and a knife stuck in his shoulder] You look ridiculous! [he begins pulling them all out] People have waited decades for this fight. It's not gonna be easy. Baby knife! You shoot the double, you take him down. Side control. Then full mount, and ya ground and pound 'til he makes no sound because he's dead--
Deadpool Oh, my God... Okay, good luck! I'm a huge fan.
Deadpool [After Cassandra Nova flays Johnny Storm (Chris Evans)]
Not my favorite Chris.
You stupid piece of shit, you just got him ****in' killed!
Deadpool Hey, we're ALL grieving! P.S., do you know what he was doing to the budget?!
Deadpool You know, in my world, you're, um... You're well-regarded.
Deadpool Yeah, they don't like me much in mine, either.
Deadpool I wanted to be something, you know? I... Shit, I wanted to be an Avenger.
Deadpool Yeah. I didn't make the cut, though. Same with the X-Men. Then my girlfriend left me, and I just--
Deadpool Yeah! Vanessa. When we met, she was a dancer. We had a whole life. It was good. But oh boy, I just-- mwah. **** that right up. But you? You were an X-Man. **** that, you were the X-Man, you... The Wolverine! He was a hero in my world.
Yeah, well... he ain't shit in mine.
Deadpool Look, mijo. I know you're hurting. My blind, elderly African-American roommate Blind Al always says that pain teaches us who we are. Sometimes, we need to listen to that pain instead of running from it.
Deadpool Yeah, she's wise.
No, no, no, that's her name? You call her "Blind Al"?
Deadpool Well, she's blind.
Did you say you made an educated **** wish?
Deadpool They call me "the Merc with the Mouth". They don't call me "Truthful Timmy, the Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon". [Wolverine yanks his claws out of Deadpool's thigh]
One more word. Please, give me one.
Deadpool Gubernatorial. [Wolverine raises his fist, causing Deadpool to flinch]
You know what? You're a **** joke. No wonder the Avengers didn't take you or the X-Men, and they'll take **** anyone. I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron. I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved, jabbering little prick in my entire life and that says a lot 'cause I've been alive for more than two hundred **** years, and I'll tell ya, that bald chick was right about one thing: You will never save the world! You couldn't even save a relationship with a goddamn stripper! And mother****er, I wish I could say you'd die alone, but it's one of God's best jokes that you can't die, EXCEPT THAT'S ON ALL OF US! [Deadpool looks down, silently enraged] Oh, you got nothin' to say, Mouth?!
Deadpool [hiding his anger, calmly]
I'm gonna fight you now.
[wheezily chuckles, snorts]
Oh, are you? [Deadpool throws a punch in far more rage, violence, and aggressiveness than before, causing Wolverine's nose to bleed] Oh, you motherf-! [a very, VERY lengthy fight ensues as the two duke it out]
Deadpool [After the initial Honda Odyssey brawl, they pause]
I take it all back, the Honda Odyssey ****s hard. Too bad you don't, needle dick.[motions for a round two]
[smirking]
Oh, we're just getting started, bub.
[they continue fighting for hours, until they get exhausted and faint]
Deadpool Look at you all! You must be the others. Terrific. So, just to refresh, you are Wonder--
Deadpool Elektra, yes, who could forget? And you! I was not expecting to see you here, I thought you were, y'know... [in an impression of Snipes] retired.
Deadpool "Retired". I'm already in the Void, I'm not trying to get cancelled again.
Deadpool You never did. And who's this succulent reminder of my own inadequacies? Look at you. You look like the superhero version of Hawkeye.
[through a mild Cajun accent]
The name's Remy LeBeau. Le Diable Blanc. But you can call me the Gambit.
Deadpool It's been a while since I've seen Sling Blade. Hit me again.
Deadpool Do they? Are you sure you didn't just really, really want them to, but it never quite worked out?
Deadpool [about Dogpool]
Hey, do not insult this animal's autonomy. She can decide who her papa is. What's it gonna be, girl, huh? Original Recipe? Or Van Milder here?
Ah, that's funny! I can gently tap the fourth wall, too. [looking directly at the camera] The Proposal.
Deadpool The **** was that? [sounding slightly offended] Bitch, you think that's what I do?
Deadpool Deadpool Prime here! Our fight isn't with you!
K Kidpool
Hey! When I want your opinion, I'll take Wolverine's dick out of your mouth!
That's Kidpool, she's the dirtiest.
Deadpool Can we just be done?!
L Ladypool
Ooh, we're just getting started...
Deadpool No, no, no, no, no, with the whole multiverse thing! It's not great. It's just been miss after miss after miss! Look, The Wizard of Oz did the multiverse first, and they did it best -- the gays knew it! But we didn't listen! Let's just take the L and move on!
I think it's been steadily great since Endgame!
I warned them that they would be completely obliterated, but they went! But they went anyway, like... Like heroes. Because that's who they were. They just did what they had to do, with no concern for their own safety. The fact that we are all still standing here is a testament to their heroism! Anyway, there's nothing you or I can do to bring them back now.
Deadpool :[offscreen, very much alive] He has risen, baby-girl!
Deadpool (in a post-credit scene; Deadpool is in a TVA control room) (breaking the fourth wall)
I’m tired of these absolutely vile rumors that I got Johnny killed. Let’s look at the tape. [showcases the footage of his and Logan's conversation with Johnny Storm in the Void]
JS Johnny Storm
In the Void, you're either food for Alioth, or you work for her.
Deadpool Go on, Johnny.
JS Johnny Storm
And I'll tell you who "her" is. Cassandra Nova. A megalomaniacal, psychotic asshole. A finger-lickin', dead inside pixie slab of third-rate dime store nut milk. And I'll tell you what she can do!
Deadpool I'm listening.
JS Johnny Storm
She can lick my goddamn cinnamon ring clean and kick rocks all the way to bald hell. In fact, I don't give a shit if she removes all my skin and pops me like some nightmarish blood balloon! If the last thing I do in this god-forsaken, ****-gutter existence is light that ****-box on fire, I still won't die happy.
Deadpool Holy shit, girl, you crazy!
JS Johnny Storm
That's right, Wade. I won't be happy until I've urinated on her freshly barbecued corpse and husk-**** the charred remains while gargling Juggernaut's Jugger-nuts.
Deadpool Wow!
JS Johnny Storm
And you can quote me.
Deadpool 'kay.
Deadpool (back in present)
Gotcha, **** face.
