Deadpool 2 (2018) · 58 quotes
Most-quoted character in Deadpool 2 (2018): in 46 of its 58 quotes
Most scenes with: Nathan Summers / Cable (6), Firefist (4), Dopinder (4)
All these elderly white men on the walls. Should have brought my rape whistle. [in the Super Duper Cut: All these old guys on the wall. Who lives here, Calista Flockhart?] [chuckles and knocks busts onto the floor, breaking them] Those were already damaged after they fell there!
Wade Wilson / Deadpool I know what you're thinking: "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." But that's where you'd be wrong. And believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. True story. And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7... [a guy on fire runs around screaming]
What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? And how would I do that, exactly, 'cause... where the heck is everyone? It's always just you and Negasonic Teenage-Longest-Name-Ever- [Colossus (grabbing Wade by the shoulder): Enough!] I said no touching. [Colossus throws him off the wheelchair and onto the floor] You'd think the studio would throw us a bone – one that doesn't end up in my mouth. The first movie made more money than the guy who invented pants. But they can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? What do those do anyway, huh? [cut to behind Wade; Cyclops, Storm, Nightcrawler, Beast, Quicksilver and Professor X are actually in an adjoining room. Beast quickly closes the door without Wade noticing] Carry him three feet off the ground to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? No, no, no, no, no. No.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool We're not partners or friends. This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset, it ends with me dying of cancer, and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. There's only one person in this world that I care about, and she's gone. You wanna survive? Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here, and make friends with them. Make friends with someone. Anyone but me. Maybe even Black Tim... Black Evan? I don't know. All I remember is, he was African-American.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool You're so dark. You sure you're not from the DC Universe? I love dubstep!
Wade Wilson / Deadpool In every film, there's a moment when the hero hits rock bottom. In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's prized bobsled broke. In Human Centipede, it was when those people signed on to be in that movie. But in this film, well, you're looking at it. Rock, meet bottom.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool You all know the plan. Intercept the convoy, grab the boy, but not inappropriately!
Wade Wilson / Deadpool Good news and bad news. Bad news is, the whole team is dead. The good news is, I don't think anyone is gonna miss Shatterstar. He was a bit of a prick.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It's just hard to picture, and certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut?! Probably a guy who can't draw feet! [all the while, Domino is running through traffic while a series of accidents happen around her without harming her]
Wade Wilson / Deadpool Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willie.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool YOU KILLED BLACK TOM, YOU RACIST SON OF A BITCH!
Wade Wilson / Deadpool I'll be the first to admit: this did not go according to plan. I'll also be the first to admit that that plan was written in crayon. Looks like Russell found a new friend. Turns out Domino is a bit of a badass and maybe possibly mildly lucky. But Cable, yeesh, that guy's in the mood. A mood that is about to get significantly worse.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool Hey, big guy! The sun's getting real low!
Wade Wilson / Deadpool I hope you sharpened the cream cheese spreader. [throws the spreader onto a criminal who's about to shoot Vanessa, successfully killing him] I'll be right back. [uses Cable's time-travelling device; to Vanessa] We're definitely naming our kid Cher! WOOOOO!
Wade Wilson / Deadpool What in the actual ass?! DALE! W-why are the visual effects not done?! It's a metal arm! It's not like we're trying to remove a mustache!
Wade Wilson / Deadpool Zip it, Cable! I got the stones to help you! [teabags Cable's action figure with Deadpool's action figure]
Wade Wilson / Deadpool **** Wolverine! First he rides my coattails with the R-rating, then the hairy mother****er ups the ante by dying! What a dick! Well, guess what, Wolvie? I'm dying in this one too.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool Is it just me or does "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" from Frozen sound suspiciously like "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" from Yentl? [singing] "Papa, can you hear me?" [spoken] And nobody **** realizes it.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool Nobody knows, but rumor has it that they keep a monster in the basement. Right next to [turns to viewer] huge, steaming hot bowl of foreshadowing.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool What do you get when you take eight feet of chrome, one pinch of courage, a cup of good luck, a dab of racism, a splash of diabetes, and a wheelbarrow full of Stage 4 Cancer? Answer: a family. See? I didn't lie what kinda film this was. If there's anything you need to take away today, other than the need to Google "What the **** is dubstep?", it's that we all need to belong to someone.
I want to become a contract killer.
Deadpool I'm sorry, what did you say?
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great blood?
Deadpool You kind of killed him.
And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?
Deadpool Don't want to.
When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more..." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst!
Deadpool ...I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible.
Deadpool Family was always an F-word to me. My pile-of-shit father took off and bailed. I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models to draw off of for Todd.
Vanessa Hey, look at me. You are not your father. Besides... I will never, ever let our child be named Todd.
Deadpool But here's the thing – isn't that how it always works? Like in Star Wars, men are destined to become their father, and have consensual sex with their sister?
Vanessa I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie.
Deadpool No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her.
Vanessa Baby, that's Empire. The point is, kids... they give us a chance to be better than we are. Better than we used to be.
Deadpool You're a lot smarter than I look.
Deadpool Why can't I just die?
Take your mask off, Wade. We must talk. [Deadpool does so] You need fresh start. With train, you can be X-Man.
Deadpool You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. I'm not X-Men material.
Understatement of the year. Wade, Yukio. Yukio, Wade. [Yukio waves at Deadpool]
Deadpool What in the heck is this?
She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit.
Deadpool Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends! I'm just surprised anyone would date you, especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. [winks at Yukio]
Give him a chance. [to Deadpool] It's great seeing you like this.
Deadpool Yeah.
Deadpool Hi there!
Deadpool Ha! Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber.
Come quietly or there will be trouble!
You stole that from RoboCop!
Deadpool That's RoboCop! Just stand down!
Deadpool Talk! What kind of spineless big stick tries to kill a 10-year old boy? You might wanna start talking, 'cause I got a long history with firing at times like this!
Deadpool Oh, so you're from the future? I have a question then. What Sharknado are we on? Is dubstep still a thing? And when do we stop saying "Enough with the robotic arms"?
Deadpool You're so dark... You sure you're not from the DC Universe? And I love dubstep!
Deadpool I'm not gonna abandon this kid. He's never had anyone, ever. I need to be selfless.
Yeah, but what does that mean?
Deadpool It means I'm gonna save Russell. Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa, but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand.
Who are you?
Deadpool I'm Batman.
Peter I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous about the high winds?
Deadpool Gary...
Peter My name's Peter.
Deadpool I realize that you're new to this, but relax. You've been chosen by a higher power.
Domino Did he just call himself God?
Bedlam I think he did.
Peter I'd like to go home.
Deadpool And I'd like the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don't come true! I spent ten years in Special Forces! You think we didn't jump out of the plane because of a light breeze?! YOU'RE IN THIS SHIT NOW, MUSTACHE! [whispering] I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. I'd never let anything happen to you, sugar-bear. [pats Peter on the cheek]
Deadpool Russell? Russ- where are you? [a fist punches out through one of the cells, and Russell climbs out] Russell? Russell, you're okay! [Juggernaut stands up behind Russell] Oh, thank GoOOOOH MYYY GOD!!! Juggernaut!! [gasps] I thought that was you! I should've worn my white pants!
I'm gonna rip you in half now.
Deadpool That is such a Juggernaut thing to say-- [Juggernaut does exactly that]
We don't have a lot of time. Your friend's about to make his first kill.
Deadpool No offense, but if you know so much, why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then?
I use a device to slide through time. The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. I got two charges: one to get me here, one to get me home.
Deadpool Well... [to the viewer] That's just lazy writing.
Deadpool Zip it, Thanos!
How do you know what I want?!
Deadpool Because I've been inside you... that came out wrong. I've been inside your shoes... which is also off-putting. The point is... there are people... There are people in this stupid world, besides him, who will treat you right.
Deadpool Say the f word for me. Just once. Come on, we'll do it together. It's no big deal. Here we go. One, two, three. Fu... Fu...
...****
Deadpool Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
Domino Try, uh... seven?
Deadpool Settle down, Captain Lucky, it's not gonna be one number.
Deadpool God, that's lazy writing.
Domino I still got it.
Deadpool I don't know how to thank you, but I do know how to hug you.
No.
Deadpool Yes. [Hugs Cable] There we go, bring it in, come on. Pelvis to pelvis. Let's go, tip-to-tip, there we go. The kids call this "docking". [The sound of a knife is heard] ...Is there a knife in my dick?
There's a knife in your dick, yeah.
Headmaster All you dirty mutants are gonna rot in hell with the boy! Your souls are beyond redemption!
Let's see your soul, perv! [takes out a knife]
Deadpool No! No! No! No more! We're better than that! We're better than him! No more senseless violence, no more bloodshed! We'll let karma take care of him.
Headmaster The day of reckoning is here! [Dopinder suddenly runs over the headmaster in his taxi, followed by silence; Cable winces]
Deadpool I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great.
Deadpool I could hear you coming the last thirty seconds, I could barely keep a straight face! [laughs]
I want some more...!
Deadpool I bet you do, Brown Panther.
Deadpool Good call [To Negasonic and Yukio] You guys coming with us?
No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion. Besides, we're X-Men.
Deadpool No. You're X-People. [taps her on the nose]
You're x-hausting.
Deadpool I see what you did there. Puns.
Our door's always open.
Deadpool That's kind, but I'm not ready to date again, let alone two women.
God, you're a douche.
Deadpool Bye, Yukio.
How something so small generates enough energy to reverse time...
Deadpool Ugh! Just fix it, Eleven, or I'll take it to the Genius bar.
Cable's going to kill you when he finds out.
Deadpool Never heard of him.
Why do you think I'm helping him? [tosses the device back to Deadpool]
Deadpool The Lord works in mysterious ways... don't I? Good day.
Deadpool Bye, Yukio. [waves back]
What have we done?
Deadpool Peter!
Peter Whoo! X-Force! [maes an X with his arms]
Deadpool Walk away! Just walk away!
Peter But we're X-Force!
Deadpool Nope, we're not! X-Force is just a marketing tool designed by Fox executives to keep Josh Brolin employed! It doesn't exist!
Peter All right, well... This has been pretty scary. And I need to feed my cat.
Deadpool Go home, sugar-bear. Go home.
Peter Okay, will you give Domino my e-mail?
Wolverine Wade, is that you? [he notices Wade/Weapon XI's mouth is stitched shut] Guess Stryker finally figured out how to shut you up.
Deadpool Hey! It's me! Don't scratch. Just cleaning up the timeline.
Deadpool Look, eventually, you're gonna hang up the claws, and that's gonna make a lot of people very sad.
Wolverine Huh?
Deadpool But one day, your pal Wade is gonna ask you to get back in the saddle again. [fires at Weapon XI again] And when he does, say yes.
Wolverine Oh. Right.
Deadpool Love you.
Welcome to the big leagues, kid. [In the Super Duper Cut: Goddamn, that's beautiful.] (The script is then sprayed with blood as Reynolds is shot in the head; his still-smiling corpse then slumps forward onto the desk.)
Deadpool You're welcome, Canada.
I want to become a contract killer.
Deadpool I'm sorry, what did you say?
Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu and threatened him with great violence?
Deadpool Err, you kind of killed him.
And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire?
Deadpool Don't want to.
When Tom Cruise fed 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood for the first time, and she looked up at his smooth, handsome face and said "I want some more..." Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst!
Deadpool ...I'll never not picture that. But I can't wait to never speak of this, as soon as possible. We're here.
Deadpool Dopinder? It's me again. Look, a saner man might discourage you from joining the deadly merc business, what with your concave chest and your paper towel tube arms. But you're an eagle, and goddammit, an eagle's gotta soar! You gotta grab those dreams, grab those dreams by the dick-tip and make it rain!
I don't know what that means.
Deadpool Me neither!
Deadpool I'm gonna see you — [taps his nose] Boop! — at the office. [under his breath, as he leaves] In the sky.
You're my Tom Cruise!
Deadpool And you're my Kristen Dunst! [to himself] "Kristen"? "Kirsten"?
Deadpool Russell? Russ- where are you? [a fist punches out through one of the cells, and Russell climbs out] Russell? Russell, you're okay! [Juggernaut stands up behind Russell] Oh, thank GoOOOOH MYYY GOD!!! Juggernaut!! [gasps] I thought that was you! I should've worn my white pants! You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan. Uncanny X-Men #183, Thor #411, X-Men Unlimited #12. You know, it has always been a dream of mine to see my face reflected in your helmet as you charge at me with murderous intent. I don't mean right now.
I'm gonna rip you in half now.
Deadpool That is such a Juggernaut thing to say-- [Juggernaut does exactly that]
Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy–[Walks in and sees Deadpool with Blind Al; gives a loud shout of shock]...why wouldn't you cover that up?
Deadpool A true warrior has nothing to be ashamed of.
Yeah, but you do. I mean, look at you; you're just straight up shirt-cocking it toddler-style?
Deadpool Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.
Blind Al What the hell's happening? Describe it.
Deadpool I wouldn't ask him to do that if I were you-
It's like, um...
Deadpool Here we go.
It's like he was giving birth anally, but they quit halfway through. They got the legs out and they said, "You know what? I'm done."
Deadpool Happy?
He's like a Muppet from the waist down, but this time, you can see the Muppet's dick. Grover's got a ****-
Sorry, I'm late. I had to take care of the inventory–[Sees Deadpool] Aaaaahhhh! Oh, no, no, no, DP, not again.
This has happened before? [Dopinder starts to gag] Jesus, either vomit or don't. The indecision is killing me.
Blind Al Why couldn't God take my hearing?
If you could go back... and stop the people that took your girl, would you?
Deadpool No. I'd buy them all a bouquet of handjobs. Of course I **** would! But I wouldn't kill a kid.
I'm not asking you to kill a kid. I'll kill the kid. I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids. Russel's gonna burn down that orphanage, and I can imagine your dead girlfriend would want you to do the right thing, wouldn't she? So what's it gonna be, handsome?
Deadpool Give me a chance to save him.
What?
Deadpool You said once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it. If we can get to him before that happens, promise you'll give me a chance to put him on a different path.
Define "chance".
Deadpool Wha-- I don't know. How long does it take to save someone's soul? That's not--
I'll give you thirty seconds.
Goddamn, that's beautiful. [In Once Upon a Deadpool and the Super Duper Cut: Welcome to the big leagues, kid.] (The script is then sprayed with blood as Reynolds is shot in the head; his still-smiling corpse then slumps forward onto the desk.)
Deadpool You're welcome, Canada.
Wade Wilson / Deadpool
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool
Monty
Guy
Van Wilder
Hannibal King
Chris Brander
Guy
