Deadpool (2016) · 78 quotes
Most-quoted character in Deadpool (2016): in 58 of its 78 quotes
Most scenes with: Colossus (7), Francis Freeman/Ajax (4), Weasel (3)
You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a **** kebab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex…
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool What–oh! Oh hello. I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." And let me tell you, [In an Australian accent] he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. [normally] Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix, and–oh! Bad guys to kill!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Hey, hey! Hakuna his tatas.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Maximum effort!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Ssssshit. Did I leave the stove on?
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Ahhhhhhhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool 10! Shit! 9! ****! 8! Shit-****!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool You're clowning... you're not clowning? I sense clowns.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Bad Deadpool. [casually] 7. [shoots a wounded goon dead] Good Deadpool.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break. That's, like, sixteen walls!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Hashtag, "#driveby."
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Listen, we both know that cancer is a shitshow. Like a "Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair" shitshow. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the Ghost of Christmas Me.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool This shit's gonna have nuts in it!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool You're about to be killed... by a Zamboni!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool And we all know how this turned out. [scene fast-forwards VHS-like past the fighting scene, up to Wade Wilson on a bed, masturbating with a toy unicorn in his free hand] Whoops! Heh, you weren't meant to see that! [scene fast-forwards all the way to where the actual movie left off with Deadpool lying in a pile of garbage in a truck] There. All caught up.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real [**** his pistol] blurry!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool TELL ME WHERE YOUR **** BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] IN FIVE MINUTES!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool I've never said this, but don't swallow.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. [Points to a henchman] This guy's got the right idea! He wore the brown pants.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking mother****er, on THAT DAY... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex! [after breaking both of his wrists trying to punch Colossus, causing his hands to flop around and resemble T-Rex arms]
You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. [Saws his hand off to escape from being handcuffed to Colossus] [Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [notices Wade cutting his arm off; disgusted] Oh, my God. Nasty.] [blood splats on Colossus' face] Oh, there's the money shot, baby. [Colossus gags in disgust] [looks at camera] "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret". [He finally finishes cutting off his hand, and jumps off into an oncoming dump truck below, leaving his severed hand on the handcuff, giving the middle finger to Colossus.]
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Time to make the chimi-****in'-changas!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say… it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Goddammit! [calmly] Looks like I'm gonna do this the old-fashioned way: with two swords, [cricks neck] and maximum effort. Cue the music.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Superhero landing! She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! [Angel Dust jumps down and lands in a crouch on one knee with a fist on the ground, Iron Man-style] [Claps] Wooo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.
You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him. [sends Colossus to face Angel Dust] [Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...] [Angel Dust knocks him away] I mean... that's why I brought her? [looks at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is texting on her phone, holding up the index finger in her free hand so Deadpool will wait] Oh no, finish your tweet. It's not... It's not fa... Just give us a second. There ya go, hashtag it. [she throws her phone to Deadpool] Go get 'em, tiger. [Negasonic Teenage Warhead rushes and triggers her powers, which burn off her coat as she tackles Angel Dust into a container] Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom-sex.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. There we go, that looks nice. It's gonna be about the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singin', ♪ I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you. Oh-oh-oh. ♪
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool You're still here? It's over. Go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What were you expecting? Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go. Go. [He walks away. Credits resume. Cut back to Deadpool] Oh. But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret: For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley; she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret. Shh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. [walks away, pops his head back in] Chicka chi-kaah! [End of film]
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool I'm looking for-[snaps one's neck] Francis! [in the front seat, he holds the crayon drawing from earlier] Have you seen this man? [his head is grabbed and bashed against the radio, changing the stations] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool I’m just a bad guy paid to **** up worse guys.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Someone's not counting. [shoots him] Six.
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool And please don't make the super suit green. Or animated!
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool I'm not gonna ask twice; where is Francis? [cut to Wade stabbing his knife through the picture on the corkboard] He made me ask twice. [pulls of mask] Is the mask muffling my voice?
Wade W. Wilson / Deadpool Look away, child. [N.T.W. doesn't [angrily] LOOK AWAY! [N.T.W. does, and Deadpool pulls his underwear out from his suit's crotch, groaning in pain]
Jeez, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous.
Deadpool Yeah, but this ain't a life worth livin' is it? [wiggles his katana] Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90's. [raises his fist to punch Francis, but is stopped by a loud clang, and feels something metallic, which is Colossus' crotch] [confused] Dad?
Dopinder Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Wade Wilson Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks, six days and, oh... [checking his Adventure Time themed watch] fourteen minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Wade This shit... [lifts his mask, showing his scarred face] Boo!
Wade Do you happen to know a Meghan "Orflowsky"- gettin' that right? "Orflasky"? "Orlovsy"? [Jeremy nods] Yeah? Good. 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.
Jeremy I'm, uh–
Wade A stalker. [points his knife at Jeremy] Threats hurt, Jer, though not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Meghan. Cool?
Jeremy Yes– Yes, sir.
Wade Then we're done. [puts the knife away]
Jeremy Wait, we... we are?
Wade Yeah, totally done! [to Merchant, as they both start laughing] You should have seen your face!
I didn't know what to do. I was so scared!
Wade Soft spot, remember? [suddenly grabs Jeremy by the neck and throws him up against a wall] You even look in her general direction again, and you'll learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots, too. [pauses for a moment] That came out wrong. Or did it? [kisses Jeremy on the cheek as he whimpers]
Wade I've been traveling to exotic places. Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then–
Killing them, I know. I saw your Instagram. What was special forces doing in Jacksonville anyways?
Wade That's classified. [whispering] They have a wonderful T.G.I. Friday's.
Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Wade Merchandise, huh? So, you, uh... bump fuzzies for money?
Yup.
Wade Rough childhood?
Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
Wade Daddy left before I was conceived.
Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Wade Where else do you put one out?
I was molested.
Wade Me too. Uncle.
Uncles. They took turns.
Wade I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happens to be my–
Your bedroom. Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box.
Wade You had a dishwasher? I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix, and clown porn.
Wade Hopefully you, later tonight? Hey, what can I get for, [looks at his wallet] uh, $275 and a... Yogurtland rewards card?
Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the **** you want. [takes the rewards card, sticks it in Wade's mouth] And a low-fat dessert.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but your 48 minutes are up.
Wade Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? [Hands her the Voltron ring he won] FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so...
Five mini-lion bots?! [Deadpan] Three minutes.
Wade Deal. What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds?
...Cuddle?
Wade Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sound's suspiciously made up. What is it, really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster? [speaks in British accent] Is it Basil Fawlty?
Oh, joke away. One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor.
Wade We'll see about that.
I suppose we will. [turns to Angel] He's all yours. [leaves]
Wade Oh, come on! You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
[Angel punches Wade, knocking him out]
Deadpool Okay, let's pro/con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!
You know I can hear you?
Deadpool Wasn't talking to you! [points at the camera] I was talking to them!
Deadpool And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool Negasonic Teenage wwwWHAT THE SHIT?! That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?
No, trainee.
Deadpool Let me guess. X-Men left you behind on, what, shit detail?
What does that make you?
Deadpool Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?
Can we go?
Deadpool "Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences!" So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on.
Deadpool AH-HA!
Wade McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing. [groans as Colossus drags him along] "Dead or alive, you are coming with me!"
You'll recover, Wade. You always do.
You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade Yeah.
Not gently. Like it was hate-****. There was something wrong with the relationship, and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory, and he's... gone! Poof!
Well, you gotta do something to remedy this, 'cause as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade Damn straight. Find Francis.
Wade What?
Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-**** a topographical map of Utah.
Wade Here's what I'm actually gonna do: I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull and **** the brain-hole.
I don't wanna see that, or think of it... again. But, the douchebag does think you're dead, right?
Wade Yeah.
That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade What, like, wear a mask?
Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I'm sorry, you are... haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade Like a testicle with teeth.
You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally. For others' sake.
Wade That'll do!
Blind Al Why such a douche this morning?
Wade Let's recap! The cockthistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. [Looks at his bloody stump of a left hand] Arm. Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. [walks out while holding a toy unicorn and farting on Blind Al] Hashtag, #driveby.
Blind Al Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
Wade About the size of a KFC spork.
Blind Al I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
Wade What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
Blind Al Looks aren't everything.
Wade Looks are everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
Blind Al Love is blind, Wade.
Wade No. You're blind.
Blind Al So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
Wade No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty, and then I'll come up with a whole new Christmas day plan. In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand. [ushering her out] Go, go, go, go, go...
Wade **** me...!!
Uh, maybe not start with that.
Deadpool Ripley, from Alien³!
****, you're old.
Deadpool HA! Fake laugh, hiding real pain. Go get Silver Balls.
You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Deadpool Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
Deadpool Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse! I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like... the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
[Negasonic Teenage Warhead looks both annoyed and confused]
Dopinder Who brought this twinkly man?
Deadpool Twinkly... but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy-band.
Is not boy-band!
Deadpool Sure it's not.
Deadpool Finish **** her the **** up!
Deadpool Suck a ****!
Wade Wilson! What's my name?!
Deadpool Oh, I'm gonna **** spell it out for ya!
Deadpool Yoo-hoo!
[Ajax looks down and sees that "FRANCIS" is spelled out by all the dead henchmen Deadpool has killed]
Deadpool Well, I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve - 'cause I'mma go lookin'!
I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. When I'm finished, parts will have to grow you back.
Deadpool Good one. [to camera] Yup, that was a good one. [to Ajax] Let's dance. And by "dance", I mean let's try to kill each other!
Deadpool Wh-what are you still doing--?! Get out of here, go make yourself useful! [to Colossus] You, go be a big brother to someone and tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. [to Negasonic] And you, chicken-noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinead O'Connor, 1990, sorry.
That's all right. You're cool.
Deadpool What in the ass?! That was not mean! I'm proud of you!
We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
Deadpool Y'know, for a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion-robots coming together to form one super-robot!
There's the stupid.
Deadpool Yeah...
Deadpool 41 confirmed kills; now it's 89, about to be 90.
Mr. Wilson?
Deadpool Ding-ding!
You're...looking very alive.
Deadpool Hah! Only on the outside.
This is not going to end well for me, is it?
Deadpool This is not going to end well for you, no. Where's your boss?
I can tell you exactly--
Deadpool Ah, deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh-deh. Oh, you'll tell me. But first... [To the camera, putting his hand on it and pushing it to the left, to where some civilian bystanders are watching] ...you might want to look away for this. Now, this little piggy went to--
[A loud cracking sound is heard, as the recruiter screams in pain, and the civilian bystanders give looks of horror at what they see.]
